Anyone have jealousy issues?
It is very hard to find people who can relate or understand until in this situation. I'm glad to find this place.
I have some major jealousy issues and it's to the point I would like to see a counselor. Most of the issues are from MIL and FIL. I know that sounds weird, but my DH really doesn't do anything to make me feel jealousy. He is pretty thoughtful. Well when me and DH first had our wedding plans, MIL made a comment about his wedding with the EW in comparison. Really hurt. Then she made sure to emphasis that she understood why the wedding was important to me, as it was my first. I noticed she was texting the EW and has his ex in her phone with her old married last name. What?! She didn't keep it and they have been divorced for years. Why have her name under her old married name? I realize fully this is petty crap, but it still hurts. She constantly kisses the EW's butt to get the kids on her own terms and honestly I don't blame her it is her grandkids. But she doesn't do for our child together what she does for those kids. Maybe she feels bad for them? And what hurt the most was when FIL said he wanted nothing to do with our baby. Because, he felt it wasn't right for DH to have kids with me, since he had kids with his ex and those kids needed his full attention. It's crazy to me. But I just need to vent. It's probably irrational, and maybe even natural... but it seems I'm automatically the bad guy the minute I took the position as stepmom.
I don't think you are the one
I don't think you are the one who needs counseling! If you want to learn how to deal with it, it's probably best to disengage from these nutjobs. I had a similar experience with my ex inlaws and I think it's pretty common. I think it stems from their dissapointment with their son, and they are blind (or don't care) to how it affects you. I think they really think if they pout long enough, everything will go back the way they want it... You know you aren't the bad guy, regardless of what they think. Just remember that and if they never get over it, it's their loss for not getting to know you or your child.
I think that going on
I think that going on babycenter and venting is what really made me think I was the crazy one. They all told me on babycenter that my DH was playing house with me and that his ex and kids should be his first priority. My DH looks at me like the priority and his child with me that he actually he takes care of full time. His kids with the ex have called another many daddy since the day they divorced literally. She became pregnant after forcing DH to get a vasectomy. She got pregnant with another man's child, she then filed for divorce, boyfriend moved in to DH's home, drove his car, and got to raise his kids, etc. Court get everything to her of course, and the new man took advantage. His daughter told me she didn't understand why my DH got upset when she called her mom's boyfriend daddy and then she told me she wished her mommy and my DH never divorced. Very dysfunctional. So DH feels betrayed by his family when they show so much interested in the kids and talk to he ex, but I do remind him that is his mother's grandbabies too. And sometimes it does feel like they like his ex so much- like keeping her name in the phone under their last name, so crazy. Of course my name is just my first name. Not my name + family's last name. and to be honest, every since they had found out I was even pregnant, their interest in his other children suddenly existed as to where before they were always non-existant because of his sister's kids. i still need a counselor. i have nobody to vent too about this crap.
TT28, I understand how you
TT28, I understand how you feel. I have gone through some of these same things with the IL's but at least your DH is pretty thoughtful. I wish my DH was more thoughtful about how I feel at times.
As I have heard before "feelings are feelings and noone can tell you how you should feel" and jealousy can be hard to deal with at times.
I have had DH and his family tell me at times "well you knew he had a past when you married him". Yes, that is true but it is hard to tell how you will "feel" about a situation until you are right in the middle of it.
I think it is rude for DH's family to keep pictures of BM in their homes displayed. I think it is rude at times they are more cordial and nice to her than me because they feel like they have to because of SS. They will also say that BM is always family because of SS.
They will make comments right in front of me about other family members that were only married for a few years and the man accidently died and the new wife got everything and DH and his family didn't think that was right because the couple hadn't been married that long.
The comments go on and on and yet I have "jealousy issues" that I need to just get over. When I guarantee if the shoe was on DH's foot and my family treated him that way he wouldn't and would not be expected to deal with it.
I feel like I am an outcast sometimes with DH's family because WE don't have children but even if we did maybe it wouldn't change anything. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever rise to BM's "status" to them and the sorry thing is most of them didn't/don't even like her!
Will I have to have a child with DH? (not happening)
Will we have to be married for 40-50 years? (at my age, UMMM)
What will it take?
So yes, I have jealousy issues. I work everyday to deal with them.
I didn't have a child with DH
I didn't have a child with DH for two years and always wondered the same thing as you. I wholeheartedly believed when we moved in together, when we married, when I had his kids they would suddenly magically want to be part of my life and know me and treat me with kindess and warmness the way my family treats him. Nope. And I think that has been the most disappointing of all. I always believed one more milestone and I would reach the goal. For me, when FIL said he wanted nothing to do with this baby, it killed me. My child coming into this world won't have in laws fully accept him because of their devotion of the skids. It hurts me so bad. But the like yours, mine had pictures of the BM with DH's arms around her in a family pic. He made them take it down. Stupid me, didn't even realize they were in it until one day a year into relationship I saw it and teased him about it. But he actually was hurt more than me. I never looked at it like, maybe they still consider her family. I have noticed that she seems to defend her. Which makes no sense as she ruined DH's credit and life for a while to the point he lived in in laws basement until he got on his feet two years after the divorce. For example, she said his ex got a new van and I had a stunned look on my face. Afterall, me and DH both work full-time and can't get a new car. She on the other hand, refuses to work, never had and fully lives on support and state aid, welfare, food stamps and won't marry her 2nd baby daddy or they would lose their aid. So I said, "really a van?" And MIL goes, "it's really nice you know" and always sticks up for her. The woman who screwed over her son! This is why he is about to cut off his family and I'm the one that always settles him down and tells him to let it go, but I'm about to say F it and let him do it. DH has said to me" you knew I was married before" but he doesn't like go on and on about her. He used to in the very beginning, but he definitely cooled down the more serious we got. I think he was just still so burned from it all and would say things here and there not realized it could hurt me. But he knows now not to talk about her and their old life together or it hurts me. Same with me, I don't talk about my ex fiance or he would get jealous.
Wow Im so sorry you're
Wow Im so sorry you're dealing with this. I've experience this slightly with my fmil. (a little back history: fdh and bm were never married, they accidently got pregnant when bm was 18 and fdh was 20). When fdh and I got engaged she asked me if we planned on having children. When I advised her that yes we were planning on having children after getting married she started in on me, and still does sometimes, about how It's sooo important to stay together once we have a child and that once people have babies they really should seperate, mind you, this woman is divorced. To me it felt like she was basically telling me that she feels that fdh and bm shouldn't have split up. Although you situation is a lot more extreme than mine, all I could really say is keep your distance. I have other issues with fmil because she is VERY controlling so my solution has just been to avoid her. She's made some progress by not being as rude/controlling as she usually is and it's totally because we just don't go over there anymore. Now if she's up bm's ass just ignore it, they can be idiots together. If she and fil want to ignore/neglect your baby so be it, baby doesn't need people like that in his/her life. How does your DH feel about all this?
I too can relate to this...my
I too can relate to this...my MIL has said straight-up that no other grandchild, current or future, will ever mean as much to her as SD, because somehow she has gotten it into her head that SHE raised SD (she babysat once in a while for DH while he was at work). She even puts down DH's brother's kids (one of whom is an adorable 4 year old girl) and calls them bratty and spoiled but is in total denial when SD manifests some of the exact same behaviours she complains about from the other grandkids. She also continues to get her hair done by SD's BM and talks to her on the phone regularly, maintaining a closer relationship with her than with me. MIL started out not liking me because I have an education and she felt threatened by that (accused me of trying to make her feel stupid when that was totally not the case), but she later apologized and we have gotten along fine for many years. Still, I can't help but feel a little annoyed that any child I may have with DH will be seen as less important to MIL than SD, and also a bit annoyed that she carries on with BM even though BM and DH were never married and were together only a few years (because she got pregnant in 3 weeks) whereas I have been with DH for almost 10 years and we just got married. I basically just try to ignore her when she says these things or her relationship with BM is thrown in my face. I know if I have my own kids they will be loved and most likely won't know how MIL feels, so if it's just me that it affects then I can get past it.