In-laws Drving me NUTS!
A little backgroud... I moved with my son over an hour away from any of "our side" of the family. My son doesnt have his grandparents around. I have a bioson 8 and stepdaughter 8. My sons father left when he was an infant. SD's Biomom is a complete disaster and is really not around, when she is she's useless anyway. Before I came to live with my husband, his grandmother took care of SD during the day. When my son and myself moved in, she decided to continue to help. She takes kids to and from school everyday. I am thankful for that so my husband and I can both work, however, I notice everyday that she does stuff for SD that I think is crossing some sort of line. She fills out all of SD's papers for school/dr, she volunteers for SD class, she takes SD to get school supplies, halloween costumes, bday presents, clothes without giving me the opportunity to do these things with SD and doesnt offer to do for my son. I registered both kids for football/cheerleading, because they are the same family the team had requested when we needed to fill out forms we fill out one form (or donation, fundraisers, pictures, etc.) for both kids (instead of one each). Come to find out.. everything that I had sent the kids to practice with grandma had put in only SD's name. Championship game just passed, before I got there she text me saying she had bought a program for kids. When she gave them to me I noticed she had went through and highlighted SD's name in all but not my sons. I went to purchase tshirts for SD and BS and come to find out she already had but only for SD. Theres so much more to this, but I just feel like this is my family, my home. These are things I would like to do with my kids, but I'm not allowed to. I feel like she thinks whatever I do isnt good enough and she obviously continues to put my son on the back burner. Grandma always has to make everything about SD. Even when my son was playing in the championship football game, parents got together to make signs for football players (of course she had to be there) and she tried to make it about SD. Sometimes I feel like Im just there for no reason. I dont know if I should just give up and disengage or what. I have talked about these things with my husband and with her, but nothing changes. I feel bad, but geez.. she raised a family. ITS MY TURN! or maybe I'm just crazy. Is this stupid to be upset about? How do I handle all this?
If you want "your turn" for a
If you want "your turn" for a family, take it. Take all the responsibility that comes with it, too.
GM has basically been "mom" to this girl her entire life. Keep that in mind... and your DH (and now you) have allowed it, encouraged it, wanted it, etc.
So, be a family on your own. Find childcare that can transport kids to school. Do like most working parents do...they figure it out.
Show GM that you and DH have it under control and YOU are a family.
BTW, I don't think that will actually happen. I think DH will give MAJOR push back, as will SD, and you probably don't want the added responsibility of morning dropoffs and such.
Actually I'm fine with school
Actually I'm fine with school drop off and pick up. I did it for the first year I lived here, before I went back to work. Even then, Gma would text me about things I needed to do. Or I would go to take kids to school in am and there would be a three page letter on my windshield informing me of the things gma was doing or had planned for SD.
I try to show her I have it under control. She doesn't care. Ex. 1, I went Halloween treat shopping in AUGUST! and told GMA this. Just so I could be the one to sit down with kids and put everything together for their school parties. Come October SD is going to school to school with double treats, because GMA had to be the one to provide these and couldnt let it go.
Not to mention the fact that I raised my 8 year old on my own, until we moved in. With NO help from anybody. I worked full-time and went to school full-time, he attended daycare during the day. I have more than proven I'm capable. She just wont let me.
If you put GM in a place of
If you put GM in a place of no responsibility for the kid(s) and relegate her to being "fun GM" occassionally, your issue will solve itself.
When she's been "mom" and continues to do "mom stuff," that boundary gets foggy.
No Way! I would probably have
No Way! I would probably have already committed myself.
No Way! I would probably have
No Way! I would probably have already committed myself.
No Way! I would probably have
No Way! I would probably have already committed myself.
Sounds like she has had to do
Sounds like she has had to do this stuff for a long time. It is really hard to dial that back. Are you married to DH? If not, that may be a part of this as well. She may not think you are going to be around. Also, your son is not her grandson. Like it or not, she doesn't have to do anything for him. We can't make our parents love these stepkids. I tried that and it backfired. When I dropped it, they started to accept my SS more. Still not like bio grandkids, but better.
I don't expect her to do
I don't expect her to do anything for my son. However, when I do things for my son that GM has already done for SD, SD gets pissed. SD throws her fits and makes its a great big deal but GM doesn't care. I would expect her to have common sense in my house and not rub her favoritism in my sons face. And personally, I think SD uses all this as an advantage because she can throw a fit and make everybody feel guilty when I do something for my son, but when GM does it for her its ok.
Maybe I should explain
Maybe I should explain alittle more background. DH got custody when SD was 4. GMA watched SD for about 1 year before I moved in. I played SAHM for over a year, then DH got laid off. I went back to work and he played SAHD up until about 3 months ago. The last 3 months have been so aggravating to me. I feel as if Im not allowed to be anything more to SD than her cook and cleaner. GMA does everything for her. EX. We had an issue with SD not wanting to put her clean clothes away. She would put maybe half away and shove the other half in the bottom of her dirty laundry hamper. Yes, I was doing her laundry 3 or 4 times a week and it took me a minute to figure out what was happening. I have not had no issues with this up until lately. I found out that GMA was coming to the house during the day while nobody was home and doing all SDs laundry and putting it away for her. WHY? When I was SAHM I would get text/letters daily about what I needed to do or what GMA was doing for SD. This drove me nuts, but I dealt, assuming it was because I had just moved in. Its been 3 years now and Im still treated like nothing I do is good enough, like its not my place to do anything with/for SD. Yet, when I do something for my own son (because he has nobody else to do things for him) I'm crucified.
This lady goes so far as to tell me I need to start giving SD organic milk and cut all meat out of SDs diet because it will lead to the onset of puberty.