Enabling Counselor
My SD15 has begun seeing a psychiatrist and a therapist. This kid has completed maybe four full weeks of school at this point, and we are only eight weeks in. She has missed at least one day of the week for no reason at all. Two of those weeks she went were only 4 day weeks, also.
She began confiding in her school counselor that she has had thoughts of hurting herself. She doesn't want to kill herself, but just take pills - just enough to get sick and get attention - or to 'step out in front of a car' on the walk to school. She has admitted these things as just a way to get attention and get what she wants, not because she wants to die.
So this new counselor has been telling my husband to let her take a 'mental health day' once a month. To allow her anger and frustration and not confront her about her behavior for a day or two. "Give her space". Because, after all, she is a teenage girl and that's just how they are.
I have to go into a meeting with this jackass counselor at some point and discuss our home life and our situation so we can try to all work it out.
I think this person is full of shit and doing nothing to help SD move on and grow up. She's encouraging enabling behavior.
It's making me crazy, and i've tried stepping away from the situation. My husband is 100% responsible for her at this point which means none of my expectations or rules apply to her.
My husband travels for work. He's leaving at the end of the month for three weeks. I'm at the end of my rope and considering separation if we can afford it. It's getting dire. I'm terribly sad about it because i love my husband. We have a great relationship when his three other kids are not involved.
It's a no win situation for he and I and i don't know what to do about it at this point.
also, she only does classes
also, she only does classes on campus for four hours/day. the rest she does online classes. She doesn't even have a full day of school to begin with. She's now getting rides to school from my mother because she refuses - and husband lets her - to walk the one mile there. Did i mention this is all ridiculous ?!!
i agree. I wouldnt be
i agree. I wouldnt be attending any meeting at the school. Your dh can do that. I wouldnt worry about her having any ride to and from school. (although I'd be danged if I'd let my mother ferry the skid around)-but if your mom really wants to I guess you can't stop her. I'd also pay her antics no attention at all.
How is she to build
How is she to build resiliency? Poor kid. Come time for her to hold a job no employer will provide her a day a month for a 'mental break'. Hello? Did anyone explain to this 'psychologist' (if he even is one) that every teenager receives 2 mental health days a week...It's called the WEEKEND. This is why I refuse for any school official with anything less than a PhD and at least one peer reviewed paper under their belt to speak to my child concerning their behavior. I have an exception for doctorate students as they do have to report to a PhD holder.
My sd13 conducts herself in
My sd13 conducts herself in almost the exact same manner. We have worked with a therapist, two counselors, and now this school counselor is really getting to be a pain. She feels we are not doing enough to handle sd's issues. We have upped her meds, take her to appointments, spend a fortune, the kid doesn't want to get better because that doesn't get attention. She said as much when she got out of the psych hospital in May. She said there wasn't anything wrong.
Yuck, you have a bad school
Yuck, you have a bad school counselor. I may open up a can of worms here, but in my area, a lot of school counselors get hired because they know someone-politics. NOT ALL OF THEM, to be clear. But, there are some real....um.... winners out there. The school counselor is supposed to be helping your SD succeed and cope in the school environment. Her role is limited in that sense. She really had no business telling you that you are not doing enough. You know, I sit here unemployed bc my job got cut, and I would LOVE to work with kids like your SD. I have helped kids in the past, a lot. It is my passion. I just get really annoyed when I see people in these jobs who have no clue.
Time to find a new counselor.
Time to find a new counselor.
DH's kid was in counseling. She completely manipulated the counselor and DH the entire time.
My favorite session was the one where the counselor told DH he should bargain with his kid when he punishes her. This came after his kid was busted for screwing up in school. He punished her, restriction until her homework was up to date and her grades had improved.
However DH's kid wanted to attend a concert with friend. Counselor suggested to DH that he make a bargain with his kid on her punishment, in order to allow her to go to this concert. Apparently, the counselor didn't feel she should have consequences for her poor choices.
DH and his kid come home (he was CP at the time), and they tell me about this super, duper bargain he made with his kid. He agreed to let her go to the concert and she agreed to have all of her homework turned in and her grades up by X date. I pointed out to DH, that seems like a fine plan, however the date she needs to meet her part of the bargain is after the concert. He said he trusts her!!!! Oh DH, you poor, poor fool.
You know where this went, but I'll tell you anyway. She went to the concert, she didn't finish her homework and she didn't bring her grades up.
I laughed in the counselor's face afterwards. I congratulated her on re-enforcing Uberskank's teachings of making bad choices and being rewarded for it.
If you want to know the results of having a bad counselor for your skid, please see my blog http://www.steptalk.org/node/13598.
Sorry, my bitterness
Sorry, my bitterness prevented me from being clear. The counselor that is suggesting the mental health day is a licensed family therapist. Her school counselors have not caused any recent drama... but it's only Monday!
As for my mom taking her to school, it's not ideal. They leave at the same time and she lives with us as well, so she says it's no biggie. The only reason i agreed to that was to make my life with the husband more tolerable.
But at this point, nothing is very tolerable. HUGE fight last night that was honestly all my DH's doing. He is trying to make himself feel like parent of the year by making me feel like a crappy mom.
It's all muddled and messy right now because it's just happening. I'm trying to keep my nose clean so any and all drama can point right back to SD and continue to pave the road back to BMs house.
Follow the yellow enabled brick road back home, girl !!
YES! I have my Masters in
YES! I have my Masters in Social Work, I am a licensed social worker in my state, and I am hoping to soon start (if I can find a job-just lost mine) working on my Licensed Clinical Social Worker license. It is VERY intense, and will take me over 2 years to complete under strict supervision.
You definitely need to see what credentials the therapist has. If it is all in order, the therapist may just be a bad one. I would not ever seek the help of half of my classmates and a few of my former co-workers-they may be licensed, but they are not good at what they do. In the past, I have had doctors and dentists who were bad, too. The thing with counseling, is there are often so many opinions. Differing opinions are good for us, it helps us learn, but flat out bad advice is a problem.
For the record, skipping school is LOUSY, AWFUL advice. I have worked with a lot of teens, and we teach them coping skills. Some counselors tend to enable and coddle. Every situation is different, and when a kid talks about hurting himself, you have to be so careful. But taking a mental health day is NOT reality. Now, if she has a particularly bad day, there can be things in place to help her. That is what I did with my clients.
This sounds just like former
This sounds just like former SD’s therapists. All of their “help” was undermining DH’s parental authority and justifying SD doing whatever she wanted because it was coming from her therapists.
Former SD didn’t want to skip school but she didn’t want to do schoolwork, so she got the school counselor and her therapist to tell her teachers that it was fine for her to not do anything in class, not pay attention and that it was fine for her to sit quietly and do whatever she wanted in the back of the class because “she was going through a difficult time” and was “depressed”.
I really want to tell my boss that because of my recent divorce, I shouldn’t have to do anything at work and see what she says.
I haven’t heard of one therapist that has actually helped any of these skids from hell and all have been a hindrance to the parents. All they care about is the kid coming back for years of therapy sessions - not giving them a swift kick in the butt to actually do what they’re told and get over all this whining and complaining about their lives.
So i've been informed by DH
So i've been informed by DH that our appt to talk to the counselor is Wednesday. I am just so happy and excited to go through with this. I will certainly be checking her credentials -thank you all for that advice. I will also be challenging her on the benefits of enabling an already damaged girl versus giving her the coping skills she needs to manage a whopping 4 hour day of school.
And i'll end it by reestablishing the fact i have nothing to do with the decisions or rules set up for her by DH and im done pretending its all hunky dory.
My poor neighbor came to me tonight because shes facing a similar situation possibly happening- only much more complicated and sticky than ours- and i told her DONT DO IT!!!
At least if my own kids turn out to be little shits, itll be because what i did failed. And i will be admitting them to whichever program necessary. I wont hand them off for someone else to 'fix' and not take responsibility!
Stupidass fucking complicated no win manipulative step people and their delusional gene pools
There is absolutely nothing
There is absolutely nothing wrong with the counselor suggesting a mental health day.
As a child, school was almost too much to bear for me. Too much noise, too much yapping, too much going here and there, wanting some time to just think straight for a minute. I would have KILLED for a mental health day. After graduating in the top 10% of my class I went straight to college and got a teaching degree. After teaching two years (big mistake!) I realized I just could not handle it. Suffering all those years in school did NOT teach me resiliency...it DOESN'T. It causes depression, anxiety, real disorders for SOME children- which explains why you all think this counselor is crazy. If you were not that child, you don't get it. I'm not saying this girl is, but they are out there.
This board seems to be all about giving drugs to ADD/ADHD children, but unsympathetic to sensitive children because they must just be trying to manipulate the situation. My parents never divorced, I was not coddled, I went on and became successful member of society, but I *still* have to take "mental health" days because sometimes everything dealt with on a daily basis is just too much. And I'm a grown adult with years to get this right. Kids have not figured it out yet. And even when some do, they will still need that mental health day. Some kids don't go to school at all, and btw, they grow up to be very successful adults...
my issue is that first of
my issue is that first of all, she does not go on campus for a full day anyway. she does two of her classes online. essentially every day is a half day. also, she's made it to school for only three full weeks. Every single week she's had a day home. If the counselor wanted her to have a mental health day to use, she should have established that the kid needed to go consistently for two weeks before using it. if you give a kid a crutch without having to work at all for it, it's useless. it's just another excuse to run and not deal.
I have since met with the counselor and my husband, and i do understand her reasons regardless of whether or not i agree with them. i disagree with the way SD opted to use it. By texting my husband instead of having a conversation with him face to face. also, this was after a successful week going, and a weekend where we did a lot together and she was feeling great.
Is she classified for special
Is she classified for special education? Does she have an IEP? The solution may not be a mental health day to get away from the overwhelming school she is in, but being in a therapeutic, nurturing program that understands her needs and can meet them. Is she depressed? She is contemplating suicide...
Call student advocacy agencies in your state ( look them up on copaa.org).
See if anyone can give you specific advice about how to get you your SD into an appropriate school program. You will need a good psychiatric evaluation.
Send me a private message if you like, i can tell you more.
Good luck!