... Its over...I have to love me more. Thanks for all of your kind words and encouragement
My last blog entry summarized what has happened.
We had "a talk" this evening.
His point of view is that our marriage is fine and its not as bad as I think it is. He says, "so its a matter of spending more time together". I say, that is more than that. He says to me "If you were a parent what would you do differently". (as he's getting slightly defensive). I start with the fact SD12 doesn't have any chores. That she has never had chores. Not even age appropriate chores. I go on to say that she is induldged. That if she wants something, she wants it now and that she hasn't learned patience or what delayed gratification is. He says: "she doesn't ask for much. I love her, I'll buy things for her. (see the pattern of defensiveness here...). Then I say that she has no ability to entertain herself.
Then came the rant. "SD12 is a good kid. She has honors with distinction. She doesn't bully. She's fun to be around. So she's "lippy" a couple of times! Compared to other kids she's a great kid! You are wrong. You don't know about kids! (apparently living with his child for the past 5 years doesn't count).
Then his voice gets louder. "I will NEVER apologize for SD12. "
I say, then.."I understand that you and BM are responsible for how SD12 is raised, however, imagine my frustration in "my role". Its okay for me to spend money, have her on my benefit plan, look after her, but if you and i disagree about whatever is going on in the moment when it comes to her, your way "trumps".
I don't remember what he said to that...probably more of the "I will NEVER apologize for SD12". At one point he said "I'll always take her side".
Early on in the conversation, I also explained to him that my needs were not being met. I did say to him, "I know that's a very vague thing to say, but its basically that neither of us make an effort with the other. We're just roommates/friends. I said "for me, when you don't make an effort, out of self preservation, I stopped making an effort because I didn't always want to be the one to have to put myself out there all the time..so I stopped and waited for you to. " Part of the discussion surrounded that. He said that he needs very little to make him happy. I said "do you even love me?". He said, "there's love, there's respect".
To summarize, he landed on the "I will not change the way I parent, so you figure it out" stance. Then he left the room and its night number three of sleeping apart. And its 2:18 in the morning and I know that's its over.
It HAS to be over. I honestly don't see another way. He really just doesn't understand. I said to him that "when I'm in pain, or sad, or frustrated, that you don't seem to have compassion and you just leave me to "figure it out". I can't remember what his response was.
I know that we've danced this dance so many times. I've tried to disengage, but how do you do it in your own house when the kid has "adult status" and he will "always side with her" as he proclaims. I know I'm being a bit dramatic, but its not that far off.
I think that If I REALLY loved my spouse and he came to me and said. "I love you but we need to work on x, y, z together to make our relationship better" I wouldn't say. "I think x, y, z is fine. I'm not going to change so you figure it out. Do what you have to do". I think he used the term "pull of the bandaid".
Staying would be a life of "going along to get along". I'm so very tired.
Of course there is a lot more
Of course there is a lot more to the situation than that.
I've been a steptalk member for 5 years I think. Almost the whole lenght of my relationship. Together 6 years, married 4 years.
I've just realized that reading my blog entries starting with the first one to now, would probably paint a picture of Life as a Childless Stepmother.
I can't sleep. Maybe I'll read them all again and it will reinforce that I'm doing the right thing.
It sounds like you did all
It sounds like you did all you could to make it work. Your DH doesn't care to make it work. He likes things the way they are. Take care of yourself and move out. Find peace and happiness. You will never have peace in that house. I wish you the best and good luck.
Yes, saying that things are
Yes, saying that things are fine when he's told they're not doesn't make them so. Clearly, if you're not okay with x, y, & z, there's work to be done. It may take some effort to figure out how to fix it or make it better, but he has to be willing to accept that there are problems & be willing to work at making them better.
His poor parenting shines, simply based on the fact that he will "always take her side". A child needs their parents support, but they also need parents who will parent. When a child is in the wrong, it is a parents responsibility to tell them they are wrong. It's a parents responsibility to guide their child & teach them how to be decent people & make good choices. It is NOT a parents responsibility to take sides.
There shouldn't be "sides". There should just be parenting.
Life is too short to settle for roommate status. Especially knowing that in any case he'll "take her side". It's clear you'll never win with him.
I'm sorry. No doubt, the time will come when he'll be sorry too.
Fortunately for you, when he reaches that point you'll have healed & be well on your way down a new path with a bright future.
Ultimately, it's up to every individual to find their own happiness. When we can't count on others to help us get there, we need to do it for ourselves.
Only you can decide when you've had enough, & you'll know when you have. Love yourself enough to give yourself the best. You deserve it.
I am so sorry.Another sad
I am so sorry.Another sad story where a Disney dad is so obsessed with his own offspring that there is no room for his wife left.You deserve better.If he means all those things he said he will never put you first, but instead allows his daughter to have adult /mini wife status.
YOu deserve much better than that!xx
Yep he is cheating the wife
Yep he is cheating the wife comes. First then the kids...when priorities are not in line the marriage suffers. I am a newlywed experiencing the samething. Disneydad is improving but disrepect is still happening from the kid towards. Both of us. Sd 11 rules him and he told me don't ever make me choose bcz I will choose her. They are caught in the middle between their wife and child bcz truth be told families can't blend. Its always my kids or yours. So far I have learned I can't care about how he parents or how she groes up she is his problem and that actually hes me. Disengsge she is not your business he is ytour husband if you do that and work on things you have control of which is only your relationship w ith him soon she will grown up and gone. Do ulove him if so work on being more than roommates and omg STOP giving a crap about his kid its his kid not your prob worry abt u and him draw the line with his kid. Don't make him choose its not abt his kid stop it its. A marriage between u and him nothing more god bless you now change the rules. Tell him your sorry you know he loves her. Don't leave fight for loves . Change the way u react to his kid
6:00 am still awake remind
6:00 am still awake
remind me again.
That it wouldn't matter WHO I was, that he would be this way with anyone, because I'm sitting here feeling sorry for myself thinking : "Why am I not enough for him to WANT to make our marriage a priority?
Why does he leave me to "figure out my issues" on my own"
II've been emotionally left by his man so many times?
I wish I wasn't so hurt by his apathy toward all of this. If I loved someone I would do whatever it took to make it right, but for him its "I won't change so stay or go.".
still hurts..I'm afraid that the hurt will be so much that the next time he does something nice I'll cave in and we will reconcile again.
You are right in that it will
You are right in that it will not matter who he's with...she will always find herself standing alone, neglected by her life-partner, to fend for herself against him & his daughter.
It is NOT about you being enough, or being good enough, or being understanding or patient enough, or not knowing enough about kids, or anything else about who you are or are not. The issues you're trying to address are not YOUR issues. They are partnership issues...husband/wife issues. YOU can't figure those out on your own. They are between two people. They take two people to resolve.
Sadly, he's made it clear that he will always take his daughters side. Therefore, it wouldn't matter how much more you could make yourself be for him, you would still lose EVERY time, because she will always win. HE has made it that way.
Until he's willing to recognize that it HAS to be any different...that he HAS to be willing to be open to seeing things any other way, any partner of his will be emotionally abandoned.
"Something nice" is what a loving partner does consistently. It isn't something to be handed out on occassion or offered as reward. We owe it to our partners to do nice things for them whenever the opportunity arises, just because we want them to feel recognized & loved & appreciated. If "something nice" occurs on such rare occassion that it can change your world of hurt, he doesn't offer "something nice" nearly enough to qualify as marriage material.
When you're feeling weak, remind yourself of what's he's proven life with him is about. It's about allowing his daughter to rule your home. It's about having to stand alone with a partner physically present but emotionally unwilling. It's about enabling him to be a poor parent & being scolded for suggesting anything different. It's about being treated as second-class. It's about him making the rules & decisions & you being expected to quietly follow.
Divorce hurts, but I can promise you that it's MUCH easier to handle feeling alone when you ARE alone than it is to feel alone with the man who vowed to love & respect you sitting right next to you.
You should NEVER have to feel that way when your husband is by your side.
Like I said before, only you can know when you've had enough. I think it's important to know that for yourself...to know that you've given your all, before you go. From what I read, it sounds like you have. He is unwilling & unwanting to make things better, so for you to continue pressing would be pointless.
If you can leave knowing you've given it your best, there will be no looking back when you go...no reason for regrets. That way, you can heal & move forward without the "what-if's" & "maybe I should have done's".
Don't let him make this about you & "your issues". He is clearly the one unwanting & unwilling. His mind is set. Don't let him hold you back from finding happiness.
Forever is long time. It's even longer when you're unhappy.
^^ thank you ^^. I will get
I will get through this day. I know that in a while from now, I will look back, without regret, and know that my life is mine without a constant compromise. I want to be be with someone that I value, love, respect and who is those things to me.
I have to accept that, even if I never find that man, I still have made the right choice.
Even though there were good times, the theme of this relationship/marriage has been for me to wrap my life around the needs/wants of his daughter and by extension, himself.
I desperately wanted to "belong" to this family, and I did, on his terms.
He was the kind of guy who was overly affectionate when his or my family was around. What does that mean? I always wondered that.
I found a better man after
I found a better man after leaving a loser who put his kids before me and blamed me for coming between him and his kids. At the time of the break up, it got so bad that being alone was better than being with loser. Fortunately I found someone a little more balanced, things are far from perfect, but they are definitely better.
^^^I agree. Unfortunately,
^^^I agree. Unfortunately, your husband is always going to take his kid's side and not put you first.
Don't let him hold you back. Life's too short to live in misery. Don't be unhappy.
Hugs!!! I do hope you find happiness. You deserve it.
I really feel bad for you. I
I really feel bad for you. I looked back at your blogs and it is a sad tale. A lot of your post start with "DH and I have not talked for three days" OR..."I am finally getting out of this relationship"
Dang girl..you almost called off your wedding 4 years ago because of all of this mess. I really think this time should be for you. You need to take care of you right now. Do you really want to continue this way?
This is not about you. These
This is not about you. These guys would do this with anyone they were with. Cut your losses and move on. You will find someone that is worthy of you.
Typical example: When SD12
Typical example: When SD12 is at our house, its all about her. What we eat, what we watch on TV, endless games played with her. If I excuse myself, I would feel like a jerk for not participating in "family time". Or he would give me the "impression" that he was fine with me bowing out, i.e.: "Brightside is tired, leave her be, you and I will go play Othello". But I'm sure he was dissappointed.
Anyway, I'm tired. 4 hours of sleep, if I'm lucky. I'm at work. One of my reports came into my office this morning and told me she has a brain anurysm. I cried.
Last night DH talked about his Mother's BF (his mother left his father 8 years ago for this man). Anyway this man is dying of terminal cancer. He's been given about a month to live.
DH says "Ken is dying! Life is short! We have it good. Better than most. I could be diagnosed with Cancer tomorrow! Or SD12 could be diagnosed with Cancer!". He kept saying that its all about perspective. That my issues are so minor compared to a dying man.
(Note, all of us, are very fond of this man and I adore MIL and it really is devastating news).
I think, that past behavior is an indicator of future behavior. Will things get better or worse. If I stay, its a good chance that these issues will happen again, and again, and again.
If I leave, I may find myself alone, lonely..etc, or I'll find a man thats worse than DH. But at least there is a chance that might not.
If you leave, you may find
If you leave, you may find yourself alone. Yes, however, you will be in a position where you can make your choices for you. You won't be tied to a man who's mission in life is to be a "yes-man" to his child. You'll be able to be emotionally available to persue other relationships, should those opportunities arise (& I'm certain they will).
If you don't leave, you're completely cutting out those options.
Who you get involved with is completely up to you. You have no obligation to be with or stay with a man worse than DH. That is ALL up to you.
I guarantee you will be more cautious getting serious with anyone going forward, & that's good. We make foolish choices when we're not. I'm sure, looking back, you can see flags & signs you wished you'd have seen & taken heed to sooner. Use those to your advantage moving forward. You know what to keep an eye out for with new prospects.
Life is what we make it. You know what you're looking at if you stay with your DH. That doesn't sound like life to me.
It's easy for him to suggest that life is about perspective...that you should just be happy with what you have because what...you're alive???
Life is all about growth & progression. There is no growth or progression in settling. Therefore, there's no life in settling.
There isn't a "good chance" that the issues you're dealing with will happen again & again. They WILL happen again & again because your DH isn't open to anything different.
I'm sorry you're facing this challenge. I really do hope you'll love yourself enough to see the value in your happiness. Your DH clearly doesn't. His interest lies only himself & his daughter.
I know it's a difficult decision to make. (((Hugs))) to you.
"It's easy for him to suggest
"It's easy for him to suggest that life is about perspective...that you should just be happy with what you have because what...you're alive???"
The other way to put this is: life is too short to be unhappy because of piss poor parenting!
Getting out for good is going
Getting out for good is going to hurt. It will hurt bad for quite a while.
But staying will hurt you again...and again...and again....and again.
No wife wants to play second fiddle to anyone in their husband's life. Especially another woman..or woman-CHILD! Let him have his mini-wife. He will soon realize that she can quasi-meet his emotional needs - the physical, well, let's hope he's not that depraved.
I'm sorry for what you've
I'm sorry for what you've discovered regarding your marriage.
You feel so alone at this particular moment, just imagine when this child gets to an age where she doesn't want anything to do with dear ol Daddy anymore and he's lonely wondering where he went wrong?
You know it's going to happen, time just give it time.
You said: "Why am I not
You said: "Why am I not enough for him to WANT to make our marriage a priority"?
So its your fault, you failed in some mysterious way?
What he wants is for his kid to love him and I suspect like most dad's in a divorce situation he lives in fear of losing his kid to the BM. Losing you is less painful so forcing a choice leaves you out the door.
He's made it clear - he cannot/willnot change his parenting style if one can call it that. Since this is something you cannot live with then you have no choice.
Lets talk about disengagement. You say its impossible or at least hard when the kid lives with you. I don't see that as a impediment. Unless this kid is using up your property, taking perfume for instance or stealing money, or, using up your time such as you being required to transport or amuse the kid I don't see the problem.
The problem I do see is you can't stand to see a kid being raised "wrong". Well let me tell you woman billions of kids are being raised right now in ways you would consider wrong. Sure some of them will end up in jail but they would have ended up there even if you were on the scene and had full control. But most of them will turn out just fine. The point being that you have yet to disengage.
All you have to do is stop caring about this kid. Remember you'll get none of the blame nor none of the credit regardless of how engaged you are. This kid is not your responsibility. You can drop the kid from your insurance policies or at least make sure your husband pays the premiums.
Finances do get tricky however. Eventually you're going to see money being spent inappropriately on this kid for proms, cars, college, maybe even rent. This money could have been used for vacations or other items needed in your own household. This I have no answer for other than to completely seperate your incomes. You provide for your own retirement and you buy your own vehicles and pay your share of household expenses.
What's left over each of you can spend as they see fit. You can go to the Bahamas while he pays for her college or rent.
But if you just can't stand by and watch him mess up his kids upbringing then your choice is limited.
Re: issues other than his
Re: issues other than his parenting style and my not "having a voice" in decisions.
She lives with us 50/50. He coaches her competitive sport, so on the off weeks, she spends another 4 evenings/days with us/him. So another issue I have is that he's spread so thin that I really don't get quality time with him. Neither of us make the effort to "connect" anymore. There's no passion in our relationship any longer.
In our conversation last night I said "if we could fix that part, make more of an effort, then maybe the rest of it would be fine because I would care less about the other stuff because I would feel your love and passion". He was stuck on the "parenting thing". "I won't change, she's a great kid, blah blah blah".
Counselling: I went to a counsellor before we were married. We tried IVF twice, failed twice. We had some counselling around that time. [just a note. before we were married I told him i wanted kids (he had a vasectomy). He said, lets try. It failed. He admitted to me later that he didn't want more kids, adoption was off the table. So, I either accept it or move on.
The last time we separated I asked to go to counselling. He said, "there's no point". He was "done" so we separated for about 6 weeks, he asked to reconcile the day our house sold.
Here we are again 2.5 years later.
DH stated to me: 1. "I will
DH stated to me:
1. "I will not change the way I parent my child, nor will I apologize for it".
ME:
I refuse to live in a home, in which my hard earned dollars pay for, where I don’t have a voice on how the children in my home affect me.
I refuse to be in a marriage to someone who has only a small amount of time and energy to put into it.
That, in a nutshell, is where I am.
Counselling has not helped in the past, and I don't suspect it will now. DH will refuse counselling. I'm not sure I want it either.
He is telling you that it is
He is telling you that it is his way or the highway. Which will make you happier?
He would rather have your relationship be over than change to make you happy. Doesn't that infuriate you? You will always be second best (at best) in this relationship. And his disney-dad guilty (NON)parenting is NOT going to stop at age 18.
Don't you think that you deserve better than the scraps he is willing to give?
I don't want him by default.
I don't want him by default. I want him to WANT to. He doesn't WANT to, or he has little time and effort for it.
Since his daughter was born, he gave up his entire being to ensure she never feels a moment of pain/hurt/sadness/boredom/hunger...anything adverse.
How can I fault him for that? I'd probably do the same thing.
It just doesn't make for a happy second marriage.
Its been almost 9 months
Its been almost 9 months since the decision was made to separate. We've been living separately since Mid December. All documents are signed.
We still share our dog and I still spend time with SD12.
We are currently on friendly terms.
I needed to re-read this just to remind myself why this was the right decision. Lately he has been telling me that our separation is not a divorce..just time to think about whether we should get divorced.
I still love him. He claims to still love me.
9 months later and I'm still confused. But I no longer live with the anxiety of living in the same house. I've dated. But they've turned out to be douchebags...lol.
One day at a time.
I wish I was as brave as you.
I wish I was as brave as you. I too cannot stand to watch the decline of this child because I care. But I am coming across as picking on her instead and wanting her punished. I want her to grow up happy and she won't. I am in the process of disengaging and it's so hard. I honestly don't think things will change and I hope I have the strength to go when the time is right. If he doesn't turn me mad from his gaslighting so he doesn't have to parent. So much easier to blame me
I wish you well whatever you
I wish you well whatever you decide. But I do think that you still beings confused after 9 months as to what you want to do could in part stem from the fact that you are still seeing DH. I would think you need a complete break. DH has the best of both worlds here. He still has you on the side, but gets his daughter all to himself whenever he wants and doesn't have to deal with your concerns. One of you, after 9 months apart, needs to make a decision. It's not going to be him. Hs life is right where he wants it. You however, are still miserable and confused. Do what is right for you. The reality is, you two have separated over the way he parents SD. Yet he still hasn't changed has he, because if he had, you would be back together. If he hasn't changed after all this, he's not ever going to.