Please don't reply if you do not understand me
Posting to vent I think... truth has it, I need a friend & I'm scared! I can't stop crying silently here since my DH called me on a break he had earlier today. I posted under teenage step children last week & feel grateful to everyone who read/posted reply.
I got myself into a real pickle this time. From the bottom of my heart, my post was real as in I honestly meant every word of it. Was on a happy page feeling that I was going to step down...as u others label disengage. I'm stupid when it comes to words, disengage to me has a different meaning for every person as far as I know. My heart goes out to all new step parents when they discover this site & they hear "disengage". Really isn't that a bad word though its not a swear word? How is it possible to disengage when you honestly love your step kids? They may be the closest to kids I will ever have...
I was forced to disengage as you may call it being that my step daughter is a true mess. We all suffer certain emotions as a step parent of which we feel alone with cause our friends are not step parents right? The answer possibly could be no for you, its not the case for me though as well as many others out there.
I do not know how to disengage! Not from life, people, & especially the ones that I love.
Please don't reply if you do not understand me, that's all I ask.
My DH is my whole world & he said that he is having suicide thoughts though he will not act on them. Hes been rather honest with me & I do not question otherwise. On the other hand, this is what we deal with every time we go for a visit or have his teenage kids over. Its his daughter each & every time! She has physically abused me over one hundred times, tried to kill me only once, hurt every animal we have had together, came close to killing my mom, attacked numerous other kids, & more. Yet she is the victim in her own head. Now most outsiders would advise me to just leave for its not my problem but the people who do know DH & I together say otherwise. Him & I want to be together & dream of having a real family someday maybe. Hes fixed & that is why I say maybe... Should we have a real family, my SD would not be allowed over due to her past.
Why or how should we need to pick her up when she is nothing to us but nasty? He feels that's its his responsibility which I have understood for years only she is getting worse. I'm sorry but if my DH has suicide feelings after being near her, how useful is he going to be should he ever actually kill himself? I just don't get the point of having to get her too. We would rather see his son.. only under this situation, he remains being worried about being a fair dad.
Perhaps I'm being selfish but quiet frankly, I'm growing tired of picking up the pieces after this 15 year old girl! Oh its forgivin cause she has mental issues.. right now its called Aspergers. We have had her through every affordable form of help out there but she is her walking talking mini BM!
Dammit I wish I had a friend who I felt safe to talk too as in being able to relate with on this yet I do not wish on anyone a SD like mine ever ever ever!
PPS should another be following my story, I failed with trying to disengage. DH forgot to keep his SD by his side & she stayed walking behind me. I felt like I had a bull behind me ready to charge & DH does not understand that. He told me that he is maddened by me cause I harass him about her. Mind you, she has attacked me over one hundred times & admits to us both of her wanting me out of the picture. Yet he wants me there for support on his visits!
Any words of wisdom please are welcome!!! Also forget not that outside of SD, him & I are a match made in heaven.
I don't know if I understand
I don't know if I understand you or not, so maybe I'm not allowed to respond. I dunno... but here goes.
Your mom was right. You don't need to be in control of things and need to let your DH handle his children. (Last blog, I think.)
If you don't want to be around SD, then don't be around her. If DH wants to hang out with her, he can certainly go without you.
Now, if you're not just being dramatic, if SD has tried to kill you and came close to killing your mother, has she been charged? Police reports filed?
Biggest regret, no we did not
Biggest regret, no we did not file charges. Yes police were here took report & all but we had not pressed charges fearing it could hurt my husband. I wish I was being dramatic that I swear. We brought my SD right back to the mental institution after she struck my mother & they sent her home with us claiming that there was no room available for her. She spent the prior week there & we later learned that she should have been transported to another hospital. I still have her voice recordings of that night with her permission & all. SD is now residing with her BM.
Well, then... if she's never
Well, then... if she's never been held accountable for her behavior, it isn't likely to stop.
I would suggest having your DH spend time with her as he wishes without you. If you have control issues, this will be HARD for you, but so much better in the end.
If your DH is truly having suicidal thoughts, then he needs to deal with those...counselor, something. However, I personally find people who "say" they think of suicide or who "try" in a half assed way more to be emotionally manipulative. If one wants to kill oneself, it's easy to do. Talking about wanting to do it just generates a lot of attention.
If your SD has mental health issues, is it possible it runs in the family?
It is often said people who
It is often said people who "talk" about suicide never do it. NOT TRUE.
However whether he means it or not, people in a right state of mind do not threaten suicide, he clearly has issues himself. He needs professional help.
As for the daughter, well you absolutely should stay away. Why would you antaganize her by being in her face anyway. She has harmed you in the past, said up front she wishes you weren't in the picture, so don't be. Let your husband visit her elsewhere,your presence only seems to make her angry anyway. You also say he would only he would rather only see his son and basically only sees his daughter to be fair. So if he feels this way about his own child, how can he expect you to want to be around her, especially after all you say she has done to you.
Clearly he isn't coping with her, you are not coping with her, and she isn't coping either. Your whole family needs to be in therapy to sort this out, and if seeing her gives your husband suicidal thoughts, then he needs to get himself sorted out, get professional help and not see her till he does. Surely a father in this state of mind is of no use to this troubled young girl anyway.
Even when they are family you
Even when they are family you must purge your life of toxic people. SD-15 is toxic. I am not one to disengage either. In fact I take the opposite tack. I confront idiocy rather than shirk from it or tolerate it. Idiots in my life either go away, change their behavior or suffer every wrath I can legally visit upon them. These are the only choices they have and I am the only one who decides when and if they are worthy of being relieved of suffering the wrath of Rags.
If your SD every gets aggressive with you again knock her ass out and have her hauled to jail in hand cuffs. If she ever assaults anyone or any pet in your home then you defend those who she attacks and have her toxic ass thrown in jail.
I have no tolerance for this kind of crap even from a kid. Particulary from an adult sized 15yo kid.
As for your DH and his thoughts of suicide. He needs professional help to address his feelings. Though I have no common experience to what he is considering I can understand the feelings being overwhelmed by a toxic person in your life and can not immagine the difficulty of dealing with a toxic child.
However, IMHO the solution is for your DH to come down on his toxic 15yo spawn like a ton of crap in a 10lb bag. She needs to know that she changes her behavior immediately or she suffers far more than the suffering she puts on others. That suffering should start with an immediate trip to jail or a lock down mental institution and that suffering relieves only when she purges herself of her toxic crap.
I have an extreme bias for action that tends to work for me. Your DH may find that a similar strategy may work for him as far as gaining control of his family, his toxic spawn and his own feelings.
All IMHO of course.
Good luck.
I get it. Your mind does
I get it. Your mind does not turn off and thus you cannot disengage. I wish it was just easy. I have to say that this happened to me for a long time. I started taking Happy Camper natural pills, because they helped me relax without making me sleepy. Little by little I no longer needed them, although occasionally I do.
You need to at least find things to distract yourself, so that you think about them less. I would NOT go anywhere with them. As for your husband's stress and thoughts of suicide, I have to say that he has told YOU because he knows that you will stand by him. Sorry, but as far as I am concerned, he is just like his daughter...manipulating. I would seek counseling, but NOT bend over backwards for them. He is blaming YOU for something HE has control over...and you have none...that is cruel for him to do this to you...If he has suicide thoughts he needs to put his daughter in some mental facility for evaluation as SHE is the cause of his troubles, not you.
I agree with the other
I agree with the other posters, DH is manipulating you with his 'suicidal' thoughts. While I agree it should be taken seriously when someone threatens suicide it cannot be a permanant shadow over you. I suggest that you say, gently without sounding condescending, that you are so sorry he feels that way. Suggest to him that he spend time alone with his daughter so that they can re establish a bond, let him know that you are there to support them (you can be at a spa while they are somewhere together and still have 'supportive thoughts' LOL shhh...
I know the feeling of being 'ground down' by a mentally ill SD, trust me! I have been attacked too, SD got two years in a secure juvenile facility for assaulting her step grandparents! They might have needed it but that's beside the point?
You could reiterate that DH is responsible for his own self, let him know that if you could take it away from him you would gladly do so (pass me a bucket now please), however, he does need to get some help with that.
Be your sweet self! What parts of the day can you switch all that crap off? Can you develop stuff to do just for you? It's a horrible situation and I know how it feels but I had to stop letting them push my buttons, I had to become my old self again and do stuff I enjoy doing. I wish you luck.
I agree, it actually sounds
I agree, it actually sounds more like borderline personality disorder to me...not Aspberger's. I discovered that not letting them push my buttons, ALL of them...including DH! It was not easy but I got back to my old self, I knew I was in there somewhere amid all that bullshit that is step family drama. I stopped buying into it, for the sake of peace? Who's damned peace? Certainly not MINE!
My goodness, every one of you
My goodness, every one of you guys/gals are truly amazing & smart! I really had no one to talk to last night so there for, I posted here. I'm going to have to listen to your advice & stay behind during those visits. He wants me by his side when we visit them. It just back fires when I do go being I'm the target in SD's eyes. I just can't turn the anxiety off before going, during the visit, & long after we had the visit. It's turning into me being the bad cookie here cause I do allow SD to get the better of me. I lack coping skills when dealing with her.
To give you a better picture of how I drive my DH upset before the visit.. I insist of her walking by her dads side so she won't shove me around in the stores, I ask that he has her sit behind him in the car so she can't pull my hair, & that type of stuff depending on what we are doing that day. This takes a toll on my husband mentally & I just want others around us, her older brother, & I to be safe. She doesn't give strangers space when they are shopping in the same isle as my SD's in.
The only people that she has not physically harmed are her mom & dad & school authority's that I know of otherwise she goes off on who ever she feels like going off on. She is begging for help from her dad I think. The last example..she ripped a brush through my hair & had maybe 50 strands of my hair & proudly says "look dad, that's almost how much hair comes off me when I brush my hair". Well I brush my hair 5-10 times a day everyday & my SD's BM is threatening to cut her hair to about an inch long cause she won't brush hers & it gets washed once to twice a week at her moms place. We believe in daily showers & have them do so too when they are with us. SD will complain of her mothers threats to her dad but she doesn't do anything to take care of herself. DH had to have both kids wash their hair last Sunday before leaving their moms cause it was a few days since they even took a shower.
I understand how it may seem that DH is pulling my strings with these thoughts of his "suicide" & no its not the case here. He said he won't & doesn't want to scare me but wanted to be honest with his feelings. He has started medication for this about a month ago & has another appointment this Thursday. He has always had bouts of depression for as long as he can remember. He does not want to die but did admit that he feels hopeless about this stuff & is having a hard time handling the anxiety of all of this. This guy is at a no win between his daughter & I.
In my honest opinion, I believe that my husband is dealing with so much quilt of his own daughter. Like he blames himself for all of the problems that she has. He feels rotten that he had kids with this lady that should of never had any kids to begin with. Only he can't turn back time or feel like he can fix his daughter. We have got her so much help & she fought every step of the way.
That is very true that SD has Aspergers/other stuff & that it is used by her for her excuses. She does grab onto any excuse if the other person is willing to accept it if it can get her out of having to try in life or behave. I understand that there are certain things that she has problems with only I don't buy it when she blames every action of hers on a diagnosis. She needs tough love & help & if she still can't use any self control, yea be placed in some place where she would be monitored.
I dunno..what do you guys/gals think? Thank you & hugs to all
One more thng ..... Web cams
One more thng ..... Web cams and cell phone cams. Video of her assaults will provide defense if you defend yourself the next time she assaults you and will put her ass in an institution for an extended time when she harms anyone else or animals.
I may sound a bit agressive in how I reccomend you deal with her but it would be in her best interests and the best interests of your family for her to be held accountable to the fullest extent of the law for her criminal behavior.
You are right & footage don't
You are right & footage don't lie! Must admit, we had not invested in surveillance which would be ideal but I had turned on the cam corder on her when she was being a lil b****. Within one minute of capturing her behavior, she starts acting really sweet. Its been great for changing her mood.
Now on the other hand, she will not be coming around where I could capture the aggression/attacks. I had a heart to heart talk with my DH last nite & told him that I don't want to see her nor go up during the visits. I explained to him how she is toxic for me & I just want to support him but how I can't if I am to be around her. He was understanding, respected my feelings, & agreed. He too apologized for putting me in the middle, leaving me feeling guilty if I were to stay home, & he honestly did not realize the spot he was putting me in.
I think he is going to be clamping down on her & he deserves a good wife, a friend, plus all the support he can get. It will be stuff I can give him now that I can disengage.
Cheers to a new start that couldn't happen if it were not for you & everyone else that took the time to listen & care.
No he is only going to the
No he is only going to the doctor.... Thank you for giving a hoot
Yes he is on medication that sex can not fix & should be getting a stronger dosage. Anyone in the right mind would if they had a daughter like his & nagging wife like me.
Its all good cause if he don't kill himself, I will have to kill him...- only a joke!!!
I'm one of the few that can crack a joke about depression but depression is depression & it sucks when anyone is dealing or just living with it. This I know cause I have been locked up myself a few times back in my days of misery. I want to be locked up again just for another week but I can't cause I'm not wanting to harm myself or die. I just enjoy the peace when being locked up, meals served n all, people there to listen to you, & its still close to home
Great now everyone knows that I'm looney..oh well