20 yr old SD...drama.. drama.. drama...
I have tried to approach this subject many times with DH...he is very defensive when it comes to his "mini wife".. Around this time every year, SD comes up with some elaborate plan to play a sport in college.. she previously got books for an in state D1, but quit in the first 2 weeks (wasn't the favorite), then the next year DH spent hours and days with her going to colleges, talking to coaches, etc...she ended up in December of that year, saying my knee hurts too bad, I don't really want to play softball etc...NOW it's that time of year and here she goes again, I miss softball, I want to play in college.. Ok, go play. But last year, her and DH got into a huge fight over her not playing and I, yes ME the SM, had to go talk to her!! And now, since this is happening AGAIN, he thinks I should not even voice my opinion...HELLO! I was the one who talked to her last year and told her to make her own mind up and not to keep BLAMING DH for her decisions! She has said over and over again, the only thing my dad is interested in is softball...really? So tonight I sit alone cause SD. wants to go play softball with DH, cause she might be playing in college.. mind you has not played for 2 years on a team...seriously???
I just don't get it, if as a parent, you have bent over backwards for your kids and time and time again they do the same thing.. when do you stop and say hey, if this is what you want, go get it, just let me know when it's done...
On another note, SD lives with BM, who they say is crazy...she wants out badly, unfortunately, we don't have room (SD 16, BD 20, and BD 17 is living with us) (actually thank god!) and he almost goes into a state of depression when she is upset! WTH?? I have kids and I don't do that.. yes I feel bad when BD is an ass, but do I let it affect me on evey level? NO!!
So, now she is looking for a roommate to live with...and it's a hour convo daily with DH about this to her! Which whatever anymore...
When do you seriously know it's time to go? Or do you just hang in there? When I say she is a "mini wife" I mean she comes over 3-4 times a week and spends 4-5 hours here and he can't leave the room one minute without her following him! Go to a family function, his family function, so her relatives, and she does not leave his side for one minute! It's almost like I am not the fiance.. she is...gets so old...
Thanks for letting me vent.. just needed to get it out!
Do you live with your fiance?
Do you live with your fiance? If so you need to set some ground rules before the subject of marriage enters the picture. Let DH handle her. This means sports, school, everything. Another thing - there has to be a limit to how much time she can take away from your together time with DH. 4-5 hours for 3-4 times a week is unreasonable. His priority has to be your relationship. Otherwise, it will not get better - only worse.
Tammie, I work with some
Tammie, I work with some people who let their biodaughters control their whole lives too. They come to work and can hardly function because their 20 year old college daughters are calling all the time with drama and coming home with some new crisis and they take it way too seriously. There has never been one actual crisis to really be upset about. Seems parents have become way too soft. Intact, two parent bioparents. Must be an epidemic!
Hi there, I have lived the
Hi there, I have lived the mini-wife experience. Can I tell you what hurt the most? My long lost dignity. Finding the man of my dreams to look after me and then finding he already has someone who thinks she is his wife. His daughter! It still stings right now to think of the shear embarrassment I felt. Imagine you are at your 3 year old son's friend's party and your SD15 is dolled up in shorts and lace top (tasteful, youthful yet slightly sexy) and does not leave your husband's side. No attempt to go near children which was her possible explanation for being there. How does that make a woman feel? Not so great. All the other parents of 3 year olds just doing parent stuff in a parent way. I felt embarrassed and horrible.
Having shared this story, what I have to say is when there is love, there is always hope. At that same party I simply walked over to him and said, "Could we have a quick chat?". He was also looking awkward and a bit uncomfortable I must give him credit for that. Minutes went by to negotiate with SD15 where she might go but I stood my ground. To DH "Hey I feel embarrassed and sad right now. I had hoped that you would be at my side today because would make me proud. What possible benefit is there in the scenario that is playing out here?". To his credit he went and said to SD15, "Here are the house keys, I know you said you have a lot of study to do. Feel free to go home."
So it is not your perfect dream. I get you there. It takes heart and soul and confidence in yourself as a woman. The big question here is is there love? Real love that is determined and understanding and strives for answers and how to love eachother inside and out. if so then find your inner lioness. You will benefit everyone.