I had an epiphany
I had an epiphany this weekend. I’ve been dating my girlfriend for quite a while. I’m very much in love with her. She has three children. I am not living with them. Me and my girlfriend have been talking about moving in together next year. I don’t think I’ll be ready because I realized I don’t want to be a step-parent. I have two children of my own and I think being a parent to my own children is challenging enough. I guess I’m worried about jumping into something that I don’t realize the seriousness of it. When I got married I honestly believed, “Hey, it’s like having a roommate that you can sleep with.” My marriage lasted ten years. I quickly learned marriage was nothing like that.
I guess for a while I’ve thought that it could be possible to live with my girlfriend and the kids are just a part of my life and I a part of theirs. That’s not true, is it? If I live with my girlfriend I become, by default, a step-parent right? I know these questions may seem elementary but I feel the need to understand what I could be getting myself into. I guess for a while I was thinking the kids would see me as their mom’s boyfriend and that’s it.
When I found out my then wife was pregnant I knew I wanted to be a father. I’ve been seeing my girlfriend for over a year now and I can’t sit here and say, “I *want* to be a step-parent.” Shouldn’t one want this if one wants to live with the person (with kids) they are in love with? I would think that anything less than wanted to be a step-parent could be troublesome in the future. I’ve been reading this forum for quite some time and I read some of the complaints about step-kids and such. A part of me wonders if the people with complaints wanted to be a step-parent in the first place.
I’m sorry if my post seems a bit scatterbrained. What are your thougths?
I don't think that any person
I don't think that any person grows up ever wanting to be a step-parent. It is a truly thankless job. Who in the world wants to raise someone else's kid. When your ex was pregnant, the child that she was carrying was half yours. Of course you are going to love that child.
You are lucky in that you will be a step-father. People don't really expect much from step-fathers as they do step-mothers.
And please know that the feeling goes both ways. Your gf will prob not be in instant love or ever love the kids that you had with your ex.
Technically, you're not a
Technically, you're not a step parent if you're not married. Sounds like you and your GF need to discuss what the two of you think being a "step parent" is.
If the two of you can agree on expectations for all of the kids and ya'll are on the same page with parenting styles then there is hope for the relationship.
I say give it more time to see how the five of you all get along. I dated a man for two years that had a 7 year old boy and I have two daughters. The indicator for me that the relationship was not working was the fact that we weren't even living together and yet were getting into arguments over his son.
"Step-parent" can have lots
"Step-parent" can have lots of different definitions. If there is a level of involvement you are comfortable with, and you both can be on the same page about it, things can work...assuming there are not issues with intolerable behavior on the part of her kids (you know, beyond the realm of ordinary kid stuff), unacceptable boundaries with Ex, or lack of parenting by your girlfriend. Those 3 scenarios are kind of the 'perfect storm' for step-hell. Remember, people out there perfectly happy with their step situation aren't coming to a site like this for venting and/or advice.
So that's my logical side of the argument. The other side of the argument goes something like this: trust your gut, and if your gut sees trouble ahead, you are probably right.
As far a my own situation, I am not any type of parent figure for the skids. I'm an adult of the house, so my rules go. I'm like a family member, but not a parent. And vice versa with my SO and my own kids. This part works for us. What doesn't work is that he is a crappy parent (permissive, overcompensates for guilt, etc), his daughter in particular is whiny and manipulative, and the skids BM is a crazy leech.
Good on you for giving this some serious, legitimate thought.
I appreciate your response.
I appreciate your response. I appreciate all the responses so far. Your story almost sounds like what my life could look like in a year. So I am wondering, did you always think he was a crappy parent? Did you talk about concerns on how he raises his daughter? Did he indicate he’d do things different when you move in together.
I think the biggest reason for posting here with this question (and the others in the recent past) is that my gut is telling me something. Even though my gut is telling me something (and I ususally trust it) I feel the need to define it, understand it, and find out if I can change that feeling. If I have a discussion with my girlfriend one day as to why I don’t want to move in I think an explanation would be in order and I feel the need to have something better than “my gut said so”. That’s why I want to try to define my concerns.
Thank you.
While we talked about some
While we talked about some stuff beforehand, we didn't talk about enough.
First, we both said our kids were our main priority. Sounded OK to me. I'm a mom of two kids. They're certainly important to me. The thing is, while I meant the health and well-being of my kids was my priority, he meant that he was going to put every selfish whim of his daughter first. I don't think he meant to do this. I don't think he KNEW he was doing it. He just was clueless about being a parent and thought he was doing right by giving in to her every whim. He had the tried and true excuses about her bad behavior that you'll see over and over on here if you read long enough: "I can't help how she is- she is her mother's daughter", "I can't do anything about her behavior when I only see her XX amount of time", "I want her to be happy when she's here with us", "She's been through so much with the divorce". All just really cop-outs. If you feel inclined, you can read through my blog for the conversations that turned things around. Basically, I took it until I blew up, called him a "Six Year Old's Bitch", and from there we started talking.
I know you can't possibly imagine every scenario that might come up, but a lengthy discussion of what the house rules are going to be is absolutely necessary. There needs to be a lot of talk about literal logistics- who sleeps where, whose stuff goes where, etc. There needs to be a conversation of what you want each other to do if the other person's kids are acting up- step in and discipline? do nothing? There needs to be a discussion of what role you each want to take and what you want the other to take.
In our house, neither of us is a parent to the other's kids. It happens that my kids live in our house all the time. It naturally fell into place that FDH does some parent-like, or general adult stuff for my kids: help them with fixing stuff, cooking that is beyond their capability, occasional driving, question answering, and "does you mom know you are doing this?". SS16 moved in with us about 6 months ago and while I leave parenting up to FDH, I'll still check in with SS to see if he is hungry or needs another blanket or cold medicine or whatever. So we don't discipline, but I guess we are Helpful Adults. I know my kids are not without faults, and surely FDH is irritated by the same things that irritate me, but he takes them in stride, often better than I do. SS16 does not bother me, and in fact, I also tolerate his irritating qualities better than FDH does.
Now SD8 is a different story. Nothing has fallen nicely into place with her. Every since I've known her as a toddler, both her parents have always given in to her whining and tantrums to shut her up. They either couldn't or chose not to see her lies and mean behavior. Here is one of my biggest mistakes: despite knowing what she was like, I thought that once I got to know her better, and once she settled in with our family, that I would like her better and that maybe she wouldn't be such a brat. Man, was I wrong. I just found more not to like about her and I think my tolerance actually decreased. I disengaged, made some mistakes with that, kind of made some adjustments to my disengagement, and 2+ years later I'm in a better place. I'm basically Friendly Helpful Adult with her, occasionally stepping in with parental-type discipline if something either dangerous or hurtful is going on. Had FDH and I been on the same page earlier, maybe things wouldn't have boiled to the point where I couldn't stand her and had to disengage. The thing is, FDH had his head so far in the sand, that it wasn't until SD's behavior hit peak velocity and I disengaged, leaving him stuck with her, that he realized there were problems with her. Now that he mostly acknowledges that she is a problem, I feel better...like we're a team. That is more important to me than "fixing" SD. No kid is ever going to be perfect, and since she has 2 parents she really doesn't need me to "mold" her. I just want to be HEARD by FDH, have him have my back with how she acts, and have him at least TRY to do something about her.
FDH was extremely defensive in the beginning. If your GF is extra defensive about her kids, I would worry that conversations would go nowhere. I mean no one wants to hear bad stuff about their kids, but the parent needs to have a little reality. FDH at least knows that I know that my kids do XY and Z wrong. I might not have cured them of it, but he knows I try and that I'm bugged by it too. In the beginning, I couldn't say a peep about SD without him jumping to "You just hate her" or running through his laundry list of excuses for poor parenting. Anyway, I can muster right on along, maybe even be a little amused, when FDH is fumbling all around trying to parent SD out of doing some stupid thing, as long as he is doing SOMETHING and SD realizes it.
There is a reason there are 1000's of books about parenting out there. It's not easy. And even intact, pristine, never-been divorced families have issues with both parents being on the same page. So I'd recommend you and GF reading a couple appropriate to the ages of the kids as resource to help you determine what your same pages are.
And so the last of my trifecta of doom is the Ex. There are also stories all up and down this site of people who were told their future spouse got along just fine with the Ex. But it turned out this was true only because the future spouse in question was jumping through all the ridiculous hoops the Ex was demanding. Don't fall for this. Also don't fall for the lines "I'm doing it for the kids" or "I'm doing in order to not rock the boat". These sound OK in theory at first, until you realize these are thinly veiled excuses for catering to the Ex's whims. And then some Ex's are just plain batshit crazy and are going to require restraining orders and multiple court visits. Put the relationship with the Ex under the microscope before you decide to move forward.
I'm not even sure where I'm going with this ramble anymore. I guess making sure you can tolerate her kids' personalities, her parenting style, and that the Ex isn't going to exert undue influence in your relationship.
Oh, and another biggie is being on the same page with how much of a priority your relationship is. Different circumstances and scenarios will sometimes put the kids first and sometimes put you first (hopefully), but just making sure the relationship IS a priority.
In defining your issues, I don't think you're going to want to come right out and say something that boils down to "your kids are unlikeable". But it might be true, and less hurtful to say, that your parenting styles and/or goals are mismatched or that your priorities are mismatched.
Again, good on you for thinking about this stuff FIRST.
I understand you probably
I understand you probably love her and may even want to spend the rest of your life with her. From one stepdad to another potential stepdad.
DO NOT MOVE IN TOGETHER.
Unless you plan to get married there is no good reason to move in together. If you move in together and you figure out that you don't like being a stepdad, you are STUCK. You are already having doubts, so you already know the answer deep down inside.
Stay away from the light
Stay away from the light CarolAnne!! Seriously though, I wish I would have listened to those doubts a year ago when I first moved in with my gf. Love is truly blind, and when in love, you cannot see 2 inches in front of you. I agree with the others that say to really sit down and discuss expectations and issues that may come up in the future , and try to think of resolution now. If I had it over to do, I would, and I would have stayed in my own zone.
"If I had it over to do, I
"If I had it over to do, I would, and I would have stayed in my own zone."
I'm sorry, I do not understand what you mean by staying in your own zone if you would have had a do-over.
My own place, sorry wrong use
My own place, sorry wrong use of the word. I would have stayed at my own place. For one, we did not have a thorough discussion about expectations and future issues. It was a whirl wind type of thing. I wish I would have had one ounce of the intelligence that you possess and asked questions from others that experienced it and took the time to find out expectations before rushing into that type of situation. You are totally on the right track.....I'm kinda jealous!
Stay away from the light
Stay away from the light CarolAnne!!
***********
OMG I laughed so hard I choked. Thanks for that!
Have you considered spending
Have you considered spending the rest of your life with her, but never living in the same house?
if you are not willing to put
if you are not willing to put your relationship with your gf first, please don't move in with her.Love alone will not help to make it work.
You sound hesitant to commit which is understandable ,especially after reading all these stories here.
In my experience stepfamilies can only work if the adults go strong together and put their rs first, doing decisions together etc- if one partner is not 100% committing to it, it can't work.It also takes a lot of trust in your partner to back you up in regards of her children and vice versa.
Put your adult rs first is something that many parents regard as something negative for their children and they get defensive and fearful.Provided you have a partner you can trust it doesn't need to be anything bad for the children though.In many divorced families the children are decision makers and ruling the homes because their parents feel and act like guilty Disney parents.In a way , provided that there is fair play between all family members, the step family can recreate a healthier balance and allows kids to be kids again instead of playing mini-adults.
Also, it is important to talk about expectations in a step family.If your gf expects you to love her kids as she loves them, those expectations are unrealistic.You are not the father of her kids and she is not the mother of yours.In practice it means that you will be mainly responsible for yours and she for hers, even though you can and should help each other.
If you can talk to her about all those things you will know if it s a good decision to move in or not.
But, as said before, if you are not prepared to commit 100% and put the adult rs first, don't do it.
Don't do it. As a DATE,
Don't do it. As a DATE, there's less expectation of you and an easier way out if things go South. But Married, well that's going to come with some financial responsibilities, child-rearing help expectations and new 'storms' of blending that you don't know of yet as a Boyfriend who can come and go easily. You can talk about expectations and that'll help some but ultimately there will be new expectations of you. Plus you have kids to consider--a family of 5 kids all of a sudden is not a light deal. Who will live where? If they move in with you, will they be 'at home' or 'at your home'? What will happen to your kids bedrooms? What will happen when your kids feels put out by her kids? All of that is worth a fight to work through if as committed as marriage, but dating--hmm, not so much. See how heavy that's getting?
If in time you decide it's worth the jump, marry her first. Be a stable and strong unit that says to her and those kids "I am in it for the long haul as best I can be". To be dating only leaves either the expectation of marriage OR leaves things constantly feeling 'unstable' as if it's all a test. Considering your doubts and your gut, I think maybe you should not marry...and if it's not going to lead to that, then maybe ... well, you know.
Good luck!
Here is what I suggest you do
Here is what I suggest you do if you have any suspicion of being a blended family, but you really love and want to be with your girlfriend all of the time. Find two townhouses that share a wall. Or a duplex that is empty on both sides. Or a property that has two houses. Both adults are allowed in both houses when they want to be together, but your house is yours and yours kids' and hers is hers and theirs. I promise you, if you have to be the head of a household that involves children that you don't have that special parental bond with, it WILL be a headache. If you don't plan on having children with the woman, live as close as you can to provide you and her that fulfillment, but don't live directly on her children because they are going to get on your every last nerve having been raised differently than you raise yours and they are definitely going to try to shove you away because after all "You aren't my daddy!" But, if what I suggested isn't possible, just be ready to bite your tongue, A LOT, and make sure you and her have a cut and dry step-parenting plan. And hold on, because you have a tornado coming straight for your life.
PS... I am in no way being sarcastic... it just sounds SO DARN GOOD!
I laughed at your comment
I laughed at your comment because I have strongly considered this option. After all, I think many people move in together because there is an economic advantage and to make it easier to see the person (naked) every day. Apart from that it's really hard for me to make a case that there's truly something to be gained living under the same roof with 5 kids, 3 of them who aren't mine. I brought this up to her once and she didn't exactly shoot down the idea. We are not ever going to have a child together. I can be there to help her with whatever and not be directly impacted (I.e. kids won't go to bed). It's only a problem if I can't get to sleep for work the next day. We're not jealous or distrustful of each other. We can still cook meals together and such....
You just emboldened me!
That is exactly what I would
That is exactly what I would do as well. If my bf didn't pay out the ass in cs he would be living in the empty for months now duplex I'm attached to, but instead, he just moved to a cheap apt right next to his former cheap apt. He has 3 kids, I have 2. No way on this planet would I ever consider moving in together. We are in love. I am not in love with his kids, his past, his baggage (aka exw). I am particularly not in love with the way he raises his kids. Life goes by so quickly these days that seeing him once a week feels like daily and it's working out just fine for us. We spend eow together, and then just about every Fri night. It's plenty. If that's not enough, find a hobby. But a duplex or something...perfect solution. Everyone has their space. I don't know why Dr. Phil doesn't talk about that! LOL
Amazing isnt it. We all are
Amazing isnt it. We all are here for a reason, writing and asking for advice on this site. We have either been married or with a loved one in the past and have children who we would give our life for. We never wanted to end up here separated or divorced but here we are. After going through this experience, for me I was married for 16 years, and unhappy for approximately the last three to five years of my marriage. When I separated, I was so excited to have the hope of meeting another man to fulfill the gap of what I was missing in my marriage. So when I met my new partner it was so wonderful. We have been together now for 2 1/2 years, still dont live together and I dont think we will live together for a long time to come due to the ages of his children very young, mine teens. When you first meet, it is wonderful, then you meet and become involved with their children and they mine. Well, can I explain it like this - the beginning of the relationship is like mixing a custard on the stove, it blends beautifully, you have a beautiful smooth consistency, then all of a sudden it starts to go lumpy, then you mix quicker, trying to get rid of those lumps, but they just wont disappear, and no matter what you have to choose whether you chuck it out and start again, or continue to try and get rid of the lumps. Strange way to describe it, but that has been exactly what its like. To put it simple, for me, the moment of introducing the children was like walking into a glass door. No matter what it will never be simple, always have moments you just want to run away, say I cant do this anymore. But, when you think about it, no matter who you meet, majority will have their own children and you will have to try and blend. So if you love this lady, I say wait, let the children get older, but still with you being in their life, but just not under the same roof full time. That way as they grow older, they will have had the opportunity to really get to know you and her your children. There will be more respect on both sides, with you not being their stepfather or man in their mothers life, but more than likely their friend. It will allow them to get to know you without rushing in and taking away the focus of their mother. In time you will know when its right. For me their is no rush. We still get to be part of each others lives, our childrens but without the major decisions of how we bring up our own children. Its working much better for us that way. We have moments even not living together where I want to throttle his children, and he mine. But we can say - hey - I need some time out I am staying at my place tonight and have some space to re-group. Plus there is a bonus, the passion lasts longer, as you cant wait to see them again after a few days, and you tend to tolerate their children again for another few days. Good luck
A part of me wonders if the
A part of me wonders if the people with complaints wanted to be a step-parent in the first place. :sick:
I don't think it's as hard
I don't think it's as hard for step dads as it is for step mums however if you are unsure about this then don't do it.
It sounds like you really don't want to be a step father so it would be a bad idea to get yourself into that situation. Believe me from my experience if you live in the same house you are a step parent from day one.
If I could go back more than 2 years I would of made very different decisions.