Exactly! Who will be holding their hand and helping them take a piss, at 80 years old? Kids today put their parents away. IF you neglect your spouse, that is a big mistake? *facepalm*

If my DH didn't like my kids (or couldn't stand, or hated, or...) and allowed those feelings to come through his actions...
You can bet your sweet bippy I'd show him to the door. I can focus on "me" and a relationship when my responsibility to my kids is over with... but I will not sacrifice their childhood because DH wants to be an ass.
Matter of fact, I'm on day two of not speaking to DH because he opened his mouth to my daughter when he shouldn't have. Reminded him what he would do when I tried to do that to HIS daughter. He wasn't having it. Neither am I. He can either unbunch his panties and knock it off, or move out. I love him dearly, but I will not sacrifice my kids for him.

When DH and I first got together (12 years ago) my boys were 14, 11 and 2. They lived with me full time. He didn't have any issues with the 2 older boys but my youngest, bless his heart, was a terror. Even I had a tough time swallowing the kid and he was MINE. As my BS grew so did his bad behavior. He's ADHD with a hint of ODD splashed in there so as you can imagine the kid was outta control. Thing is, my DH was not very nice to him and my BS started sensing it and began verbalizing how much he hated DH. One time in particular, I flipped out. I remember telling my DH that NO MAN ON EARTH would EVER be more important than my boy and that if he couldn't treat my child with kindness and caring then he and I could not be together.
It might have been the turning point because that was about 6 years ago and ever since than my DH and my BS14 are closer than ever. My BS refers to him as his dad when he is speaking to his friends. He does however, call him by his first name. My sons behavior has done a complete 180. He is a much kinder young man, he is way more disciplined, he hasn't completely grown out of his diagnosis but he has changed dramatically.
I can admit that I spoiled him a lot and that might be why his behavior was so awful but as soon as I got a grip on what I was doing that was making his behavior so bad, we were able to turn a new leaf.
I care about my Skids. I treat them well. Do I love them as if they were my own? No, but I do treat them with kindness & affection. And because I do, they treat me with the same.

If my spouse/SO said he hated/couldn't stand my child, I'd have to ask WHY he felt that way.

I mean, MOST people like kids. It's the rude, disrespectful kids that we can't stand. I dated a man for two years that refused to parent his 7 year old son. I didn't hate his son, I didn't want anything bad to happen to the kid, but at the same I couldn't tolerate his son's behavior and could not like his son because of his behavior.

If my spouse/SO said he couldn't stand my daughter, I'd sit down with him and find out WHY he felt that way. People don't just hate for no reason. And then if he had legitimate reasons for feeling that way - i.e. she's always interrupting or throwing temper tantrums, I wouldn't leave him, I'd correct those behaviors in my child.

Think about it - if a teacher told me my kid was misbehaving and she was right, I'd correct my kid, not take my kid out of the classroom. The reason my last relationship failed was not because I couldn't stand the child, it was because the father refused to correct his son's bad behavior.

I have never outright told DH I cannot stand ss15, but he knows it. So does ss15, he knows I cannot stand him and he is disrespectful as hell. I am at the point now where I am not sure what to do - stay and know ss moves out in 3 1/2 years - stay and boot ss15 back to bm - leave and know that I will lose a very wonderful man over a little giant shit - leave and HOPE dh will come back to me once ss15 is grown. Whatever happens I don't think I would move out if dh didn't like my boys. Actually I know dh doesn't love my boys but he likes them and wants the best for them. If he outright disliked them, as long as there is a respect for their space in this home I'd be ok with that. I guess that's where I am with ss15, I know he needs a home and food in his belly, nothing more or nothing less from me is sufficient to get this kid graduated and out the door. Maybe that's just good enough. Actually my DH has said that in not so many words - just get him raised and out the door. At times b/c ss15 is so much like bm I think dh actually feels the same about him, get the kid graduated and out the door.

Ahh then bliss with a man I love dearly! (hopefully lol)

Depending upon how he was acting toward my child(ren), I would probably leave.

I think I can truthfully say that I still treat SD in a way that she doesn't know I don't like her. She just thinks I'm really busy so I'm not always at home .

My disengagment is a combination of making myself scarce, or when I am home it means letting go about what she eats, wears, does, says, and doesn't wash on herself. I'll still fix her something to eat sometimes or listen to her. I plaster a big ol' smile on my face and bust out my best Customer Service 101 accomodating voice when I talk to her.

So if my DH continued to act pleasant and not argue with me about the kids...it might still work. I don't know. It would depend on what he didn't like about them, I guess. I can see many of my kids' shortcomings. I certainly don't expect FDH to be thrilled about them.

It has kind of come out to him that I don't care for SD. He now sees what it is about her I don't like, so he is actually pretty understanding. In fact, most of the time he complains about her more than I do. But every now and then he'll throw it up in my face, so it must bother him to an extent. Then, if I feel like bothering, I might point out how his 'parenting style' (lack thereof) isn't helping matters, he remembers it, and I'm back off the hook.

hmm im 22 and my fiance is 39! he has 2 kids girl 7 and boy 8- we together have 2 daughters 1 and 2
i HATE his kids yes strong word but i do, im honest about it to him and told him it will never change until he sorts there behaviour out. and he threatens to leave me all the time if i dont make a effort with his kids, i made a effort for 3 years until my daughters came along so now i have my own family to worry about. not his, not to mention their mother is 50!!!! gross shes a spastic moo and says jump and he jumps tries to make him feel guilty because they dont have a family. inturn making him agress toward me. grr so OVER it!!!

thank f for steptalk.org im not crazy! and im not alone!

As you know girlfriend, i cannot STAND my stepkid. hubby knows I am not 'fond' of his kid, but really doesn't know the extent of my dislike. Hubby was a single guy raising this kid at his mom and dad's house, with no mother. Kid has autism, which they ALL chose to ignore, as you know. So, I consider myself somewhat SAINTLY in taking this on. I provide basic needs for my skid, feed him, make sure he's at school on time, make sure drs. appts are made, therapy is attended to, and many many other tasks that nobody ever took care of for this kid before. I WILL NEVER LOVE HIM...I WILL NEVER LIKE HIM. He is NOT MY KID and you know i question whether or not he's actually husband's kid. He's a 9 yr old kid but equivalent to a 4 year old. I think hubby took the best he was going to get for his kid (me), an ADVOCATE, and lets himself be the one to give the kid LOVE because that won't ever come from me.

Now, I have 2 brats of my own. I think hubby likes my little man quite a bit, but I KNOW for a fact he's not as fond of my older son. does he dislike him as much as I dislike his kid, i doubt it. But i have to remember, they are not HIS KIDS either, so how can i expect him to love them like his own. so I don't expect it. I make sure my kids get tons of love from me, their mother. if they get any affection from him that's just a bonus.

Although my husband adopted my daughter at age 14, she was his stepdaughter for seven years and he was not very nice to her. He was always finding fault in her and comparing her to his two daughters (my stepdaughters), which was ludicrous; my daughter was a G.A.T.E. and honor roll student while his kids were in special programs at school because they were lazy and didn't to their school work. About a year ago my husband told me, during a heated argument, that he hasn't liked my daughter since he met her. He says he's grown to know and love her over time, but that she was a "brat" when he met her. I was furious because his children were 10 times worse in their behavior than my daughter was when we met. They constantly threw fits, screamed and cried if they didn't get their way, tattled on my kids, and even hit my children as well as adults. My daughter never did any of those things because I would not allow it. I raised her and my son to be respectful of others, especially adults. To this day, my husband believes that his brats are precious angels and that my daughter, THE ONE HE ADOPTED AND WAS ORDERED BY A JUDGE TO TREAT AS HIS OWN(!), is the problem child in the family. The only thing that keeps me from going insane is knowing that I only have to see my stepdaughters 50% of the time and that they only have approximately 2 years left to live in my house. I am just waiting until they turn 18 so I don't have to deal with them anymore!!

"I have told my DH how much I dislike his son and have told him that I don't think I will ever like him. My DH has witnessed me shut his child out for years and seen the love I show my bio son...but he just deals with it. He says that he won't leave me just because my feelings for his son! What?!? I don't get that...if my DH felt this way towards my son, my bags are packed and I am out the door in 2 seconds flat..."

Sorry but this is.....hypocrisy at its finest. You're admitting it yourself. So you expect your husband to treat your own kid in a certain way and if he doesn't, you're ready to leave him over it, but you treat his kid like crap and he lets you get away with it? Hypocritical. Unfair. Double standard. Fuckin what the fuck?

You've also admitted that your actions must be damaging to the boy's mental health and damaging the relationship with the father. I don't care if people on here are going to call me "shit stirrer" or whatever but if I were your DH, I would have left you ages ago.

What annoys me about people is that they can't find a balance. Some DHs put up with their kids' disrespectful attitude towards the new partner without trying to discipline them, and there are DHs who go to the other extreme and put up with a wife whose actions are clearly causing the child problems and who, (note the irony) wouldn't want her own child to be treated in the same way she's treating his son!!!!!!!!!!! Hell, both attitudes are wrong. It's no wonder blended families become dysfunctional most of the time.....people just go from one extreme to the other and one day or another, the shit hits the fan and it all goes awry leaving everyone unhappy, depressed, drained and the list goes on.

"So you expect your husband to treat your own kid in a certain way and if he doesn't, you're ready to leave him over it, but you treat his kid like crap and he lets you get away with it?"

Yeah, I have to agree with Myself. It seems like the OP wants her husband to leave. She is doing everything she can to push him away because of his failure to parent his son.

Instead of taking the initiative, she seems to think that if her husband would just wise up and see how much she can't stand his son he would leave.
OP, instead of waiting for your husband to leave, if you can't stand his son, why don't YOU leave? And please don't say because you love him. Love does not pay the bills, or make your SS stop beating up on your BS.

To me it's a given that its a mothers job when there is kids to have them in her custody after all she dud the 9 months and labor ... Lol so I feel it's natural that if a man is with a woman he needs to be civil to them he don't have to love them like his own but not show hate and if he does then he shouldn't have chose a mother. Where as a woman can do the total opposite cause in reality those kids have a mother and her ass should have them. My ways of thinking are probably all wrong but mothers need to do their jobs. I guess cause I've been without a Bio dad for my kids for so long I feel they are not needed. Most are deadbeats anyways

One of the reasons I left my now-ex about two months ago was because I was sick of the way he treated my older son. He'd jump down my son's throat for any little thing, but just pat his kids' heads if they did the exact same thing. VERY obvious double standard. He treated his kids very differently and was extremely harsh with my son.

I realized one day not long before my kids and I moved out that never once had my ex said anything nice about my older son. The only time he ever mentioned him at all was to criticize him or tattle to me that he'd done something wrong.

I don't want my kids - either one of them - growing up in an environment where they're made to feel unwanted, and like they can't ever do anything right. Are my kids perfect? No. Are my ex's kids perfect? Hell no, but he certainly treated them like they were. No matter what horrific thing they did, my ex always had an excuse for it, or he'd jump up and shout that MY son did blah blah blah one time, so that makes his kids' behavior okay. Total bullshit. So we're outta there now.

I never cared even a little bit about his kids and didn't lie to my ex about that, but yeah...It never seemed to bother him. I disengaged from them almost from Day One, and he seemed all right with that, too. It's weird, but yeah, he never seemed to have a problem with me not liking his kids.