You can engage with tham as much as you desire. Disengagement is mostly if not all about discipline. I taught one step-daughter how to drive - another I sent a monthly check to support her somewhat in college when she screwed up a grant application. But if they didn't empty the trash or came home late it was Mommy that threw the sh.. in the fan not me.

By all means give this girl the love she is asking for. Do you love her - go ahead say so. I told one of mine that I loved her and it didn't matter if she loved me or not. She had no choice about my love for her. I just didn't ground her when she deserved it - her mother did. When I saw them about to do or say something foolish I gave advise, once, then let them go their way. They soon learned that listening might be a good idea. Of course they never said so - kids never do.

You don't have to be rude, to ignore them. You can do nice things as long as you feel they're appreciated. There is no reason to hurt their feelings. Be nice - you're a nice person - let it show.

I remember one time the teen girl asked me if she could go to the Mall. I said I don't have that authority to ask her mother. She said mother said never to call her at work. Sorry I said I can't help you. I was sorry because there was no reason for her to not be allowed to go but I had disengaged. Why - because once before her mother had said no to a request and she came to me and I said yes. She did what her mother had said not to do and used my permission is the excuse. Well that wasn't going to happen again. She then realized she had lost an ally. Sorry too late. The world is tough and mean.

But there was no anger, I wasn't mad, just disengaged. She wasn't mad because she knew she had screwed up and now could not be trusted. She was disappointed but nobody had any reason to be angry.

So be yourself, help when you can, care and even cherish them if its appropriate, be proud when they do good and look at father when they've screwed up. Life can be good.

My rule of thumb is that I don't do things that will cause me to build resentment. That is why I disengaged, I was building resentment towards the skids and DH.

For example, many on here only cook for themselves, I can't do that - I have 2 of my own bios - so I choose to make a family meal - but I make what I want and everyone eats it, if others are displeased with my choices of what I made - it no longer bothers me because I didn't make it for them, I made it for me and enough for them. = no resentment.

Before I disengaged, that situation I would bust my ass chosing things specifically based on those that were going to eat it only for them to bitch whine and complain and it made me resentful because I was doing it for them and they were ungrateful.

I don't dicipline unless I see a situation where someone can get seriously hurt or its effecting one of my bios. I only discipline my own bios. Unfortunately, unlike Orange above, my DH doesn't discipline either - so the skids just go along with no rules - this in itself has moments of resentment - but I now feel that I am no longer responsible for their outcomes and its not my problem that has greatly reduced my resentment.

Another large resentment issue for me was that DH was all about school work like I am for my bios but he doesn't enforce homework, he doesn't follow up on school events and he pretty much detatches completely - I was killing myself and fighting with DH about check their homework, they didn't do their homework, they are flunking, you have an event tonight - DH was pissy about me reminding him all the time despite him 'saying' he was all about school work - I realized his words and actions didn't line up - and it hit me, HE DOESN'T CARE - so I stopped. I don't check grades, remind about homework, remind about upcoming school events and EVERYONE is happier. I only follow up with my bios - I remind DH of nothing. SS7 almost flunked first grade last year, DH missed majority of the school events for both skids and SD12 didnt' score well on any tests - lucky for her it seems majority of her grade was based on showing up and classwork otherwise she'd have cut it close too - but if that is 'good enough' for DH, then its not my problem. My resentment level and arguments with DH dropped drastically on this one too.

Its different for everyone.

i find, too, by disengaging brings my resentment done to a minimal. I concentrate on my bio kids and let him deal with his kids. I do do things like cook enough for everyone, but my choice of foods, which is what my kids like, not his...I take them to school, make sure they are up for school, have lunch money, etc...but I do not engage with them on a "social level". They are brats..they intentionally bother each other to where the sd8 will start yelling and hitting and the ss12 does it right back...I hibernate in my room when they are here. When the the sd was 6 she screamed "I hate you I wish you would die"...UGH! Just recently I was shopping and heard this kid come out of the store screaming the same thing....It was her with her BM!! When she did it to me, I said, get in this car now!! You will go to your room when we get back! She made a stance..I am not getting in the car, get your freaking hands off me!! OMG..I was soooo pissed off and have never experienced such with any of my kids before! When I heard her do it to her BM, she just rolled her eyes and said, O just because you didn;t get what you wanted....Seriously??

My DH tries to make it seem that they have it soooooooo bad at BM house, but I can see who rules the roost there!

I can not be around children who act like that..that is when I started to disengage. I8 am so tired of hearing Mommy said this and Mommy said that....I do not care what Mommy says....this is our house and our rules!!!