Defining the relationship with the BM
Hi there, I'm new to this forum, and so happy to have found it! 
A quick background to my situation. I've happily been with my man for two years, he has an 8yr old son who lives with the BM in a different city. We have SS every school holidays for roughly 3 weeks - & longer at Christmas. I met the SS 6mnths into the relationship and as you can imagine it has all been quite new and trying at times. SS and I get along quite well, but yeh, I still find it challenging. I think it's a little easier because the BM & SS live out of town.
My question: Ive never met the BM, and have no personal contact with her (only ever seen photos which were from SS 5th bday). I leave all contact too my partner, including flying to pick up/drop off SS from BM and wondering if anyone else is in the same situation? I am aware that there is obviously contact to organize flights between cities, and that's fine, more contact between them is rare, from what i understand. I'm just wondering what it's like for other stepmothers out there? Do u have contact with the BM? Does your partner have much contact? And what would you consider a reasonable amount of contact between the BF and BM?
Thanks for your time everybody. I don't have any friends in the same situation so it's easy to get caught up in my own thought sometimes!
My SD is now 21 so we have NO
My SD is now 21 so we have NO contact with BM. She is a horrible person and my husband cannot stand her.
When SD was younger, DH had only the necessary phone contact and pick up/drop offs.
As SD got older and able to call for herself, DH had even less contact with BM, just pick ups and drop offs.
In 16 years, I myself have only spoken to BM a handful of times and been in her presence even less.
Some people get along better with their exes than others, but my husband's ex is evil personified.
old dart, I only hope I'm in
old dart, I only hope I'm in the same situation as you in years to come. You're my hope!!!
It's really hard, not having
It's really hard, not having anyone to chat with.
I've spoken openly about this situation with DH, and he's asked if I'd like to go to the airport the times when he' dros off/picks up SS. My gut instinct had been no. I guess I'm more worried that if she actually sees me it may affect things for the worst.
My partner and I have discussed our future, and marriage, and I'm definitely sure he is the man I'll be spending my life with. This ex partner situation is obviously something that is never going away, and tha I need to deal with.
I actually thought that maybe one day I'd call her, or email her a similar letter to the one you described, but now I'm thinking otherwise. Your partners ex sounds like a nasty one!
I'm thinkingill have to do the airport meeting one of these days. :sick:
Well my DH and I are long
Well my DH and I are long distance from BM and SS3.5; and i have 'met' BM once-- we didn't really speak at all. Had a couple of email interactions, none of which accomplished anything positive.
I think at some point down the road BM and I could develop a relationship; we have lots of similar interests, and I think if I weren't "The SM" we could be friends. But at this point my DH and BM still struggle to maintain a tension free co-parenting relationship. Aside from arranging flights, and drop offs they don't speak too much. About once every 4-6 weeks, they will have an in depth conversation about what things they want to do in regards to raising SS3 (schooling, development, etc etc)
Other than that, they are pretty hands off regarding each other, and that is working the best for us so far. Any time they try to communicate more often than that they start to argue and it goes downhill quickly.
I would love to have a cordial/friendship type relationship with BM, but that is definitely a long time from happening--- if it ever does. I don't want to spend the rest of my life having tension in my SS's family and at any event we would all be at for him.
bethl22 "THIS CRAZY WOMAN IS
bethl22 "THIS CRAZY WOMAN IS NOT THE KIND OF PERSON I WOULD EVER, EVER INVITE INTO MY LIFE AND YET I HAVE TO DEAL WITH HER FOR REST OF MY DAYS WITH DH!"
You're reading my mind!
It's quite hard even getting
It's quite hard even getting my head around that fact I have to deal with my parters ex, who unfortunately I know will be in my life forever. I think in my mind, because she is so far away, and i dont formally know her, it's my way of somehow brainwashing myself like she doesn't exist.
From what I understand, she's not the nicest person. In my experience, she's very controlling when it comes to the dates that my SS stays with us, and often extends the dates with a couple of days notice (obviously already tricky considering all the time BF already has to take off from work every school holidays). And if the dates don't perfectly fit the schedual of BF (nothing extreme, just give or take a day or two) rather than negotiating, her strategy is to chop our allocated time with SS by a week as revenge!!!
She tried to rekindle the relationship with BF about 6mnths prior to me coming into the picture, however he didn't want a bar of her. Not long after she found out he was in a new relationship (with me), she took him to court to organize more childsupport, made him sell his apartment etc. They were engaged but never married.
She does currently have a partner, and was actually with her current partner when she wanted to get back together with the BF!
I'm worried that meeting her will open a new can of worms, while I'm still trying to build a relationship with my SS. Im just not sure.
This is just it .. you don't
This is just it .. you don't have to deal with her. She's HIS ex. I would say, very simply, to not initiate contact with her.
You do not want to open that can of worms. You really have an ideal situation right now .. she's not local and she has limited contact with DH. Why stir the pot?
Let him deal with her. DO NOT give her space in your brain or your relationship .. it's not worth it.
I've been with DH 10-ish
I've been with DH 10-ish years and have seen/talked to BM twice. DH only talks to her if it directly involves their kids. It's been over a year since they last spoke. It's worked very well for everyone.
I haven't even seen BM since
I haven't even seen BM since Janaury sometime. Fine by me.
I won't invite that level of toxic into my life.
I'm a SM and a BM. My skids
I'm a SM and a BM. My skids mom lives a couple houses down, so I can't dodge that bullet.
My ex and his wife have always lived far away, so we have not really met. I talked to her on the phone once when there was a flight delay and she answered the phone. We had a polite conversation and she said a few nice things about my daughter, so it went OK...but let me point out this is the woman my ex cheated on me with, so our situation is more than a little different. One other time I saw her get out of the car to go to the bathroom while we were doing a kid exchange when they happened to have been in our state. She avoided eye contact and slipped back into the car.
I guess what I'm getting at is that over the course of time, opportunities will come up to speak or meet without having to manufacture them. Eventually you might go to the airport and stuff, but I think it's pretty early on to jump right in.
As others have said, as long
As others have said, as long as things are going smoothly I would not initiate any contact with BM.
Since in the past she has expressed wanting to get back together with your BF I would keep my eyes and ears open for how often BM and BF talk and also is SS the topic of conversation. Do they talk about the past or does she ramble on about her issues/life? BM's are notorious for this.
IMO, BM needs to know from the beginning that she has boundaries and SM's usually have to encourage the BF/DH's to maintain those boundaries with BM's because BM's will almost always push the limits.
My DH did not set any boundaries with our BM before I came along so when I realized she was calling DH at least once a day and talking about her life and her issues I was the one that had to have a long talk with DH to set up some boundaries for BM.
Mind you, SS was 14 not 2, not involved in sports, they had a set schedule and SS had a cell phone so there wasn't anything that needed to be discussed every single day or really even once a week.
At first my DH didn't get it and DH sometimes still has a hard time shutting her down when she starts getting off of the topic of SS but he is getting some better after 3 years.
I am sure that at some time in the child's life the opportunity will arise for you to meet the BM but as long as things are going well I would avoid it.
Thank you for the advice, i
Thank you for the advice, i think i really do need to talk to my BF about these boundaries. We've had plenty of conversations, but you know men sometimes, if its not clearly stated as a 'boundary' then later down the track ill probably be the one upset over something that he "didn't even realize he did wrong".
I guess everything needs to be transperant and that way i won't ever feel the need or desire to have to officially meet her, or even talk to her, because ill have that peace of mind. i dont ever hear them on the phone, because when ever she contacts him its during the day while he's at work, and sometimes on the off chance that she answeres the cell to speak to his son, and its only ever a two word conversation.
*deep breath*
i love him more than anything, and he is the sweetst man (which im sure we all believe of our parterns), but this situation (which isnt so bad considering some of the things other SP have written) causes me so much anxiety sometimes.
DH and I have been together 2
DH and I have been together 2 yrs, married just a couple of months. I've NEVER had any contact with his ex, she refuses. She has never spoken to me on the phone, in person, through text or email. You'd think she'd want to know who was spending every other week with her daughter, but not her.
I'm happy that way. In the beginning, I was shocked and upset, like "why? I've never done anything to her, they were split a year before I even met him - it's not like I stole him from her!" And then it was relief that I never had to listen her her voice on the other end of the line.
I've only seen her a few times and it's brief. We live in the same town so I see her driving or at a store, but she's never really looked my way or if she recognized me, doesn't show it.
I'm also very happy that she and DH have very little contact. Usually it's less than once a month and he is very open about telling me details of their conversations that usually last less than 5 minutes and only involve SD. So I'm lucky in that sense as well.
I hope when we move to the east coast next year, there's no big issue with SD and BM. I'd like for it to all run as smoothly as possible!
~Mel
Thank you for the help
Thank you for the help everyone, it has cleared up a lot for me. And im sooooooo thankful for this website!!!! finally i dont need to spin thing sin my mind and wonder if im being logical, or being crazy!!!!