I've got to ask. Should I be hurt? Advice please!

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Because I am very hurt. We have a beautiful, BS 12 mth. old who loves his daddy. I'm the one with BS1 all the time, but you know how "that" goes. This is what is literally eating me up inside though. We were having our normal argument that seems to come with random "visits" from BM and SS8 (SS8 hates it here, even with BS1) and I demanded that his ex-nasty STOP hanging out here, running her fat trap, at "random", "let's see if daddy still drops everything for only me, visits by ss8 and BM". It is like a circus when they show up. I'm VERY nice, but BM tried to start her normal, "Oh, I'll use the, the two boys need to see each other act", to which SS8 does not like to even speak to BS1`.
Anyways, here is what my husband, and father to OUR BS1 said to me;

" Don't EVER ask me to chose in between the two boys, because I NEVER will." :jawdrop:

WTF?!!! Okay, one of them is NOT even MY son. And listen up dude, BS1 loves YOU and you are with him, everyday? hE IS A baby! What? How can you not love him an itsy bit more when your 8 yr. old who doesn't even care if you are dead or alive? Not to mention that BS1 is OUR son, together?! I'm sorry but, I also have another child that is much older, and to be honest, YES, right now, I DO favor BS1 over my 1st?!

Was this wrong for him to say to me considering we do have a very young baby boy together? IT STINGS.

I'm not a parent, but I do

I'm not a parent, but I do have to say that I feel I'd love all of my kids equally. Even if one of them wished me deaisd. I think this boy's wishing his dad dead is more of a scream for help than anything else. I don't think you were wrong to say it. Hopefully it'll open up a much needed discussion between the two of you about enforcing boundaries with bm and getting ss help.

So...you want him to tell you

So...you want him to tell you that he loves your son together more than his other son. Did you ask him to do this? ?!?!

That is even a crazy thing to think he would say. Why do you wnat him to choose?

I think he was harsh!! My

I think he was harsh!!
My BF's S10 is the same way....he could give a fuck less about his father but my S8 who is NOT his kid gives more of a shit about my BF then his own son does!!! Sad but true!!! I know it isnt the same but I totally see where you are coming from...it isnt like you asked/told him to choose between the two of them but his 1 year old definitely needs him more as he is little, and if his son doesnt give a fuck about him other then for money, presents, entertainment, etc than I myself would be more inclined to love my other child more, I know they are both his kids but seriously if his kid already at 8 is acting like a little asshole then I can see how he might be a bit more loving of his younger son. But thats just me.....

with all do respect, it's not

with all do respect, it's not fair to say that S1 needs dad more than S8. They both need him equally, in different ways. I understand DH not wanting to choose. No matter what our children do, we still love them. We love each one differently, but equally. Now BM hanging around is another story. I think everyone would feel more comfortable if she would just leave SS8 there for these short visits. DH needs to set boundaries with her!

He sees it as a choice

He sees it as a choice whereas it is a priorities issue.

When children are littler they need more attention because they are not able to take care of themselves. When they are 8 they don't need a parent to feed them or change them. 1 yr olds do. So the issue isn't 'choosing' but rather putting BS1 as a priority due to his age (and incredible cuteness but we will keep that one between us for now!)

What concerns me is this woman dropping by and hanging out. THAT has to stop. So maybe he needs to choose between you and BM. And the '2 boys being together' story doesn't wash either. 8 yr olds do not play well with 1 yr olds. He has to choose. You or BM.Whose feelings does he want to protect the most?

oneoffour...bingo. You nailed

oneoffour...bingo. You nailed it. Thank you! I feel like I live in a harem, literally. He needs to put his foot down about his "ex." You nailed it, why does he care if she doesn't like what he might say to her? The woman has REMARRIED also. As in, has another name now? It is over, so why do they both continue, YEARS later, playing these childish games, back and forth? I don't get it.

OMG I knew I would be asked

OMG

I knew I would be asked if I had said, "Do you expect him to love "YOUR" son, more than his?" YES, to be honest but NO, I would never SAY such a thing to him nor would I come out and tell him not to love his own child. I AM A BM too, for god's sake but we do have this lil guy together who deserves to grow up in a semi normal enviroment without his ex-nasty literally w3alking in my door blurting out, "It IS MY son's home here!" It is NOT your home though and it was rude of her to just barge in while I was literally trying to take a dump in my bathroom?

And, no, he should NOT let a

And, no, he should NOT let a huge 8 yr. old kid jump all over a baby's toys and roll on the floor and wear out batteries and break things. I would NEVER allow my children to act out this way! DH needs to learn to tell the 8 year old, "NO!"

This is the mindset that

This is the mindset that creates crazy BMs.

So, you think he should love the child he has with YOU more than any other child he has.

He should not let BM just drop by whenever she wants but that has nothing to do with him loving one child over the other.

They are different ages and have different needs. Again, nothing to do with loving one more than the other.

It seems the real problem is with BM and the fact DH hasn't set any boundaries as far as her random visits and such. That is what you need to address.

we do have this lil guy

we do have this lil guy together who deserves to grow up in a semi normal enviroment without his ex-nasty literally w3alking in my door blurting out, "It IS MY son's home here!"
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TOTALLY agree!!! Put a stop to that right now. Or have DH put a stop to it. She is only doing it because she is allowed.

I agree! It really has zero

I agree! It really has zero to do with the boys. It IS driving me nuts though the way he has allowed her to just barge in and invade this home, at whim. I KNOW he is afraid (and BM knows this too) THAT if he were ever to put his foot down, he is afraid she would cut off visitations, period. Men need to learn a few things, IF you decide to remarry, have more children, etc. Keep your damn ex-wives at bay. You will run off your current wife, in a NY minute. I do NOT allow my ex-husband to bother the crap out of this home, nor would I ever allow him to come in our home and make himself "comfy." That is just rude. Listen if SS8 were an infant/toddler still, I could understand how she would have to get out of the car, etc. But this woman gets out, rolls a freaking suitcase up the driveway, full of things that could kill BS1, and just waddles around like this is still her home. We are talking a suitcase, for an afternoon visit. We are going to have a word of prayer, the next time she tries to pull this "stunt." IF DH does not have the balls, I will.

Honestly, I do NOT even know

Honestly, I do NOT even know why DH said that. All I did was ask politely, "Please, do not ignore BS1." I should not even have to ask him that, period.

was thinking it LOL

"How can you not love him an

"How can you not love him an itsy bit more when your 8 yr. old who doesn't even care if you are dead or alive?"

Don't expect him to choose. It would create more drama and jealousy between the kids. Favoritism never works IMO. You're wrong in expecting him to love his younger son more than his older. There's absolutely no valid reason why he should.

I definitely agree - wrong

I definitely agree - wrong move!

DH needs to set some

DH needs to set some boundaries with BM. There is no problem in SS visiting, but BM should not be allowed in your home.

As for you thoughts on favoring one kid over the other .. change your way of thinking. It doesn't matter if you say it or not, feeling like and thinking he should be choosing your son over his first son will build resentment in you. Sure, babies need more attention, but just because you're his wife NOW and you have a new kid, does not mean he should feel something less for his FIRST son with his FIRST wife.

I think if DH would put BM in

I think if DH would put BM in her place it would put you at ease...He is causing your pain and if he handled this which I hope he will by putting up boundaries I think you are a good woman and this thought would have never even crossed your mind...It is hurtful to have this BM enter your home as if it were her own...DH needs to put her in her place not you...believe then it will be you fighting his battles...I feel for you and that is a very uncomfortable position to be placed in....look into changing the locks and or those chain latch locks in the mean time.

WTF?!!! Okay, one of them is

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He should not have to chose between his two kids so asking him to do so, or suggesting he love the baby more than the 8 year old is fruitless. And how do you know the 8 year old doesn't care if his dad is dead or alive? He's 8.

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I've got to ask. Should I be hurt? Advice please!