Is This Marriage or Is This Marriage With Skids?
Is this normal marriage or are the issues with the skid causing me to feel this way? I enjoyed a pretty long single life and didn't marry until I was 35. Dated DH 18mths, married 2 years. I have one daughter I had as a teen and she's grown and on her own. Fast forward that I did get married to a man I love very much. He has no biological children but claims Father role for a SS8 brat that was born of an affair during his 1st marriage. The way that situation is handled by him and the BM has caused (increasingly so) stress in our Marriage. We are actually arranging counseling though he doesn't feel there are any issues on his-just on mine with being upset for being 3rd place in his life and forced to live with his past as if it's his present.
I *thought* I went into this with eyes pretty wide open. I'm not a naive blushing bride type expecting picket fences and raunchy sex forever more. I felt pretty able to handle the realities of marriage. But there became a major shift right after marriage that I guess I didn't anticipate. First, BM got a Lapband and lost weight, thus thinking she was hot & went full-on whore. We went from having her kid 2 nights per week & the occasional week to having him at 3-4 nights per week and having some dealing almost everyday-- running here or there, plus lot of weeks at a time for this reason or that. Also, my job became Teleworker so I became the automatic babysitter because I'm at home even though I'm working. I think both DH and BM became really secure and comfy that they for sure had a "for life" babysitter to use as they saw fit. So things did change for real after the wedding. Honestly I would not have married into this.
Sometimes I think of leaving and I feel melancholy but not destroyed. I think "well at least I won't have to deal with that". Other times I can't bear the thought & it breaks my heart. We get along so well, such a team in all aspects but not with this situation. But lately even when skid is not here, I'm feeling resentment that's not going away as it used to. I am losing respect and desire for my husband b/c I'm seeing him as a wussy for the way he caters to SS8 and lets BM run whatever agenda she wishes even when it inconveniences us greatly. I feel weary and old already, like I'm losing my "oomph". I was spunky and funny & laughed a lot. I don't know what depression is-always used to be happy and energetic but I'm definitely down. I am trying to hold on to ME. I don't know if this is normal after a while in Marriage or if this is due to the issues. Is this Marriage? 
Do normal Non-Skid marriages have ebbs and flows like this?
I think part of it may be
I think part of it may be natural adjustment to a first marriage. I had longer term relationships and relationships with men with children. None of their situations were like this and I always got along with their Ex's and the kids were okay too. Plus everyone could go home to separate homes at end of night & I didn't feel stuck. So I do acknowledge that may be part of it.
Maybe too is that we just moved 4hrs away due to DH job transfer. I thought that would make it better since we didn't have day to day dealings but I was wrong. We've almost had him just as much these last 3 months except now we have to drive 200 miles to meet her halfway.
We've had him half the summer. When we don't have him, DH can get mopey and lament about missing his buddy. Gah! This kid isn't even his buddy when he's here! He is a couch log at most. You have to fuss at him and dangle food to make him move more than the effort it takes him to breath.
I am lonely to a degree-no family near or friends yet to divert my attention. I'm getting involved with volunteering and Meetups so hopefully I'll have new friends soon. But for now, it's just marriage marriage marriage and this kid. I don't have the support of DH or even the understanding. Ugh. I don't know... If this is normal marriage... ugh.
That was going to be my
That was going to be my suggestion. Just because you work at home doesn't mean you're not WORKING! Who takes their kids with them to the office and actually is able to function and get work done?
This kid is your husband's responsibility to care for, not yours. Just because you married him doesn't make you the instant babysitter/child care provider while you're trying to get a job done.
I'd do just as curlysue suggested and let him know that you're WORKING, not just sitting on your ass at home. Kid needs to have a babysitter away from home or be placed in suitable daycare arrangements.
^^^^^^^THIS^^^^^^ Put that
^^^^^^^THIS^^^^^^ Put that kid in daycare or camp in the summer. No reason for you to have to watch some kid that isn't yours!
Day camps would be an option
Day camps would be an option but I never know in advance of more than a couple days when skid will be here. Day Camps don't take last minute registrations. If he could take that boy to work he probably would! But yes I did yell that to him -that if I were in an office he couldn't be here so he may as well assume I'm in an office and leave the kid with his f*cking Bm!
You probably feel resentful
You probably feel resentful due to the fact that this kid who infiltrates your life isn't even your husband's kid! That would NOT fly with me. It's bad enough that my skids ARE my husband's...if they weren't, they would not be around. Period.
Big part of it. I honestly
Big part of it. I honestly wouldn't mind if it were handled better. But to have a BM intruding regularly and dangling her little Ooops in our lives AND the DH being such a wimp about it all is what causes a great deal of the resentment.
My first marriage sucked, I
My first marriage sucked, I knew before I got married in hindsight - hindsight is 20-20 right?
I was somewhat careful - I planned exactly what my next marriage MUST HAVE in order for me to be happy.
DH fit the bill, until the reality of his kids set in. I had kids, I know what kids and parenting involve, I am a good parent, a good mother - I never could have imagined a marriage to the perfect man be so F'ed up just because of his kids.
As a mother to my bios, I ensure they are cared for always, if I can't be there, then their father is on the hook, if seriously both of us are unavailable (I can't tell you in the last 4 years this has happened) one or both of us change things up so that one of us is available. I look after my kids.
When I got the opportunity to work from home, I was elated. I took it, I gained 10 hours a week in just commute time!!! I was home for my kids after school - OMG - the joy!! First time and my BD10 and BD6 had never been able to not go to after school care. Then it started, BM and DH decided that I could be the token babysitter - why shouldn't their kids mooch off my good fortune too? Well at what cost?!?! I arranged for my kids to go on the bus so that I didn't have to drop work and go pick them up (I am working) but not the skids, no, they have to be picked up because BM moved their schools - so how come my kids can bus and I have to drop everything now to pick up the skids. Then when the heck did it end up I was spending more alone time with the skids in a given week than either bio parent? Wait a minute...
Well, I am on the road to fix that now and its almost impossible - I am met with roadblocks every step of the way - I was so miserable last school year that I could barely walk from my low back pain - mostly from STRESS - friggin insane. I still do TOO much but I am slowly backing out of becoming everyones dumpster for the skids, their activities, their needs. I have needs and it didn't involved someone elses kids.
3families, I am heading that
3families, I am heading that way with stress. I have to take an OTC sleep-aid 2 or 3 times per week esp when skid is here. I've put on 12 pds in a year which is nuts as I kept same weight without any trouble for 10 years. I carry stress in my shoulders and neck so now I'm using a stupid ergonomic expensive chair to try to minimize it. We went from 3bds to 2 when we moved recently and the 2nd bdrm is full of skid sh*t that happens to be 'forgotten' every visit so my yoga space is gone. The stress is slowly making an impact.
Oh sorry BM and BF but I'm
Oh sorry BM and BF but I'm not the babysitter. I work and I don't take kids to work.
That's what you tell them. If the BM has custody and BF wants kid to visit then he watches the kid.
Don't let the presence of this kid change your life. You want to catch that museum display, its the last weekend and Daddy has the kid - well go alone. You two are not attached at the hip.
You're a capable woman who lived almost 20 years on your your own. You raised a kid, alone I take it, which was no easy task. If there were dues to be paid you've paid them.
You're letting this kids parents dictate your life and I see no reason for that. You owe neither one of them not one second of your time. You may volunteer as much as you wish but can exclude daycare worker from your resume.
Tell BF if he can't watch the kid and he can't talk BM into watching then the kid goes into daycare. Hopefully the two of them can make some sort of financial arrangement and split the cost but its is NOT your problem.
Part of why I am having
Part of why I am having trouble with this is because I did not have to raise my daughter alone. Her Father, who was also a Teen, stuck by and was/is a great Dad. He eventually married and had other kids and the situation worked great. I got along with his wife, sometimes babysat their kids b/c they adored their big sister. So I figured Step Families *could* work as long as everyone got along. But I was wrong...
I've definitely started disengaging. I feel this impacts my marriages overall happiness and I didn't want it to be like this; didn't want to disengage. I wouldn't mind helping when asked, when respected and considered but I've been used and I'm done with that. Even though it's going to cost DH vacation time that he and I planned to use in the Spring, I refuse to watch SS8 next week. I told him I will not be watching him every other Sunday or all of his spring break or all of Christmas holidays either as I have the previous 3 years. I told him I'm done. I am left out of any planning, my input or thoughts don't count when I do share them and I will not be used any longer.
Oh no! I feel you!! My bf was
Oh no! I feel you!! My bf was tricked into thinking his ex's kid is his, signed the birth cert and everything..12 years later he is so obsessed with this kid! And then these guys expect that we should be responsible for not only taking care of another woman's kid but also another mans kid? Ohh hell no! And these guys think they should get a medal cause they are such good ppl for taking care of someone else's kid.. But in my eyes they are just suckers and need. some Maury Povich in their lives!
How dare anybody expect u to watch some kid while u are working!
DH dumb butt wasn't even
DH dumb butt wasn't even fooled. The moment that baby was born he knew it wasn't his. He waited until kid was 7mths old and it became obvious to everyone else who didn't let him ignore it, that he did ask her and she confirmed it wasn't his kid. And 8yrs later, yes he's obsessed. What he does is above what a Real Father would do for a kid! He is a sucker and has built so much of his identity of being this kids Dad that I don't know what will be left when this kid finally realizes DH is not his Dad.