Call your local police. Tell them you will be out of the house for a period of time and ask them to do home checks. Let them know that noone is supposed to be in the home.

So glad I have a security system. If I am ever in this position, I'll change the code before leaving and poor, poor sd would be arrested for b&e.

I would not be able to go on vacation with the remotest possibility that someone would be in my home without my ok. I just couldn't do it. My home is my sanctuary, and if my husband snuck someone into it KNOWING I would not be ok with it, I don't think I could forgive that. Maybe it's just me, but the day I move my things out of MY HOME to keep them safe from someone else is the day I fill out a permanent change of address form at the Post Office.

I'm with Buffalogal on this one. No way would I go away worrying if someone was in my home without my permission ESPECIALLY a SD who didn't think the world of you. Enlist the help of a friend, give them a key, get them to check at odd times everyday even after dark and tell the local police the house is empty. Tell your husband all of this has been done when you are about 5 or 10 minutes from your destination. If he scrambles for his phone as soon as you are out of site then you'll have your answer.

If you could have a home alarm installed do so, and then change the code as you are leaving without telling DH when he leaves to go home for his admin purposes, which by the way, does he have to do, or is he making excuses to check on SD while she is in YOUR house, anyway off track there, when he leaves to go home tell him, oh by the way I forgot to tell you I changed the alarm code so the installer wouldn't know it. Still maybe she won't be there on day one, she may be coming a week or so later when he goes home.

I would hate to be in your position and I am feeling umcomfortable for you. But honestly you do not know the minute or the hour that she may move in do you, so that make it very hard. I'd go with the neigbour or the friend having keys and checking out the house. I hope your husband is not planning this and if he does, well you and he need to have a serious talk. He would hit the roof if you did it.

1. change your travel plans and don't tell dh.

2. buy one of those hidden camera so you can monitor
the property.

3. invite a "cleaning service" in (maybe a bff) to monitor the situation.

4. Don't go anywhere. Get a stomach ache and stay home.
(I know that sucks, but f it, your home. Your castle.

While it may be tempting to try to find a way to 'catch' your DH in the act of letting the SD stay in your home while you are away I agreed with those who posted that you need to tell him beforehand that it is not acceptable. Then be prepared to back up your words with actions when or if he goes behind your back. Would it be acceptable for him to lie to you and bring another woman into your home while you are away? No. Should you have to pack your things and hide your valuables and documents before you go away? No.
I had to do just that when my DH allowed his MD to move in on us for five weeks after he bailed her out of jail on identity theft charges against her BM. It is not a fun time. So if you cannot trust your DH to safeguard your sanctuary while you are not there, can you trust him at all? It will do irreparable harm to your trust in him if he does goe behind your back. Make sure he knows exactly where you stand in a firm and clear way.
If you can do so safely then make your stand. Draw the line in the sand and hold it. Some of the other suggestions are always good to do anyway, backup your computer, lock up your valuables, have the neighbor come around to check.
How will you enjoy your time away if you are worried she will be there? Can you postpone your trip till she is gone? Disengaging does not mean not knowing things that affect your life, home or marriage. It is your home too. If he gets a repulsive look in his eye when you ask him directly about this then ignore it. Whose disengagement policy is it anyway? Yours ...right? Own it and adjust it as needed. In as few words as possible in a calm, mature tone of voice simply state that no one is to be in your home without your consent when you are there or not. if he starts a defense of her and a sob story then state your consequences if he goes against your wishes. Period. End of discussion until you see that counselor.
Good luck with it all .
Personally I cannot discuss the skids with DH without an argument because of his defensiveness. But I find that the more time passes the less I care and it seems like I am talking about a soap opera or the weather. And I know that they caused this rift and I will not be made to feel one second of guilt or pity about it.
And if he ever brings one of them here when I am here or not here without my consent I will be packing the uhaul the next second and he can deal with that. As it is I am taking inventory of my possessions and planning to adopt a minimalist attitude. I would prefer to travel a lot lighter should that day ever come. Because you see the absoulute faith and trust I had in my DH was destroyed by the way he handled the disrespect and hatred his D's showed towards me when I did nothing but stand up for us. And so prior to the moving truck getting here And getting my things out, I will be tossing that SD's possessions out of the house or calling the police to say they are trespassing even if he is standing right there. Because darn it this is my home too and I won' t sit there like a deer in the headlights a second time while it is being invaded by the b@&$!s even for a minute.

I have to agree, there is a line and they may be crossing it. You don't have to be part of the drama but there is no way you should be ignorant of plans to have someone stay in your home. You should be asked about it. I'd ask him what is going on.

If DH is capable of sneaking SD into the home behind her back and clearly she thinks he is then talking to him and asking him about it is not going to be helpful because he will just lie.

Poodle I agree the trust thing will take years. It will take me years also. I know sitting back and expecting DH to do all the work while I watch his every move is not going to be the answer. So when I find my suspicious mind in overdrive I make every effort to remind myself that I am creating a scenario in my mind that is driving me nuts and creating a lot of anxiety for me and it may all be for nothing. It takes time but the more I practice it the better I am getting. But it takes time.

Just the other day I rang him at work, it was quite early and his phone was engaged. My first thought 'whose he talking to' now we all know who my first thought was. So I took a deep breath settled myself down and reminded myself not to stress about this unless it impacted in me. Just then my phone rang, it was DH and he says where are you this early. I tried to call home and you're not there. So you see his phone was engaged because he was calling ME.

Once trust has been not only broken but for so many of us brutally broken it is very hard to regain it. However if both parties don't make some effort it will never return. I think our part in it is to try to learn to calm our minds and only react when it directly impacts on us. I don't mean stick our heads in the sand or ignore things that we should deal with I just mean watch ourselves and recognize when our minds are running flat out creating angst in our hearts. Our thoughts after all become our feelings so if we are thinking horrible hurtful thoughts we feel down and depressed. God knows we have enough real issues to depress us, no need to invent some more in our heads:)

So true EBU and well said. I seriously have to have a "talking to" myself sometimes.

I agree Sandye disengaging absolutely helps. Whimsey referred to a blog above written by SA on hypersensitivity. Now that hit home when I read that word. Just over 15 years ago I suffered badly with post traumatic stress. To this day there are triggers that bring back memories of the incident that caused the post traumatic stress. It resulted from a one off incident and took about 3 years to find a way to live with it. I guess we suffer so many emotional traumas due to the actions of SDs and the inactions of our DHs that suffering from hypersensivity and struggling with trust issues in regards to them would be a perfectly normal reaction.

However for our own health and sanity we must either remove ourselves from the situation or find a way to live with it. I always find the saying 'forgive and forget' odd. You cannot forget traumatic incidents in your life and can you really forgive people who would be happy to see you dead. I know that SD will never be in my life ever again. I know that after 8 years of her doing her utmost to put myself and her father into an early grave I want nothing to do with her. So doesn't sound like I've forgiven her, yet I feel nothing towards her now thoughts of her rarely enter my mind and if they do they don't stay long and I don't stress over them. Kinda just think bitch and. I move them on. I will however never forget what she put me through and I would be stupid to. Rembering things that hurt you is part of what keeps you safe. If you burn yourself on the fire you don't forget and you never get that close to the fire again. Perfectly healthy thing to do.
Still removing SD from my mind and heart is one thing I was never IN love with SD. Moving forward with DH learning to live with his betrayal learning to trust again is hard work because I was very deeply in love with him i still have feelings for him now, but nothing like the way they were before, and those feelings are what make it hard I cannot just say dont like him much and move on the way I did with SD After all that he did and the way he showed me he was a sneak and a liar and capable of doing anything at all to anyone to get his own way and he was the one who betrayed me not his daughter I think being suspicious would also be a perfectly normal reaction for me. But the one major difference in moving on with DH and giving this marriage another chance is not so much the absence of SD in it but the fact I now bring self respect and self esteem to it. I am different. I know that I deserve better than I had and DH knows I know it to.

See there we go, we all do it, we hear something, think something and then our minds run riot creating all sorts of scenarios that rip us apart inside and cause us stress and anxiety. We really do have to watch our hyper sensitive minds on this. However while this is not our fault, it is our problem to fix of course, because it is our mind, but we are not responsible for the damage caused to it in the first place, except of course for perhaps hanging in their a little, well maybe a lot, longer than we should have before we spoke up.

It just goes to show how much our DH's have destroyed our trust in them. It just goes to show how much their lying, sneaking behind our backs, and putting not only their daughters' needs, but wants as well ahead of ours. By constantly writing us in pencil on the bottom of their priority list so they can rub us out and put someone else in on top of us, they have caused us a lot of emotional damage, and destroyed our self esteem and confidence.

You said "I know I should not gloat but it's kinda pleasant seeing other people roasted on the spit of DH's manipulative brinkmanship and inability to confront emotional realities promptly, so as best to solve problems. Instead of it happening to me. Wish I had always known it was this easy"

You'd have to be a robot not to take some satisfaction from it, in the early stages at least. The first few times you see someone else get shafted instead of you, it is kinda satisfying. However in time, you really won't give a damn. You will be too focussed on making sure you are treated properly to be bothered about how he treats people who treat him badly anyway.

I am so glad you won't have to worry about her staying in your house anymore, now you can relax and enjoy your holiday as best you can.

EBU your dead on again. Our DH has destroyed our trust in them. I am happy for Poodle that the SD will not be staying in her house.

Me too, I would burn this house to the ground (with dh in it) if I though SD had been living in it without my knowledge. Having someone who despises you using your home with your knowledge would be intolerable, finding out she'd been there without my knowledge I cannot imagine the feeling of disgust it would cause within me.