Ugh, need advice. First relationship w/ a 14yr old son involved.
I've been with my BF for 3 yrs. We do not live together. He has full custody of his son, which I greatly respect. My problem is that he lets his son treat him more like a roommate than his father. The son curses at him, throws things at him, hits and kicks him too, and the son will NOT call him Dad, but his mother is referred to as Mommy. My BF pays for EVERYTHING for his son, the mother doesn't do jack, she may take him for the weekend, but that's it. The son completely disrespects his father, yet his mother is treated like some angel. Go figure.
Now his son is physically mature for his age (tall, facial hair, masterbates furiously) but my BF acts like he's just still a little boy and doesn't know better. He throws fits when he doesn't get what he wants, he'll even bang his head on the wall until his father agrees to something. If I tried this on my parents, they'd smack me and send me to my room.
I get upset when I see bruises on him because he won a video game and his son beat the crap out of him out of anger. I just don't agree w/ his parenting. During the school year he develops these mystery illnesses that only effect him during school hrs, come 3pm he's fine. Then we hear he just didn't do his homework/project. This happened a handful of times last year where the teacher said he was failing.
I know he's not hard on his son because he has guilt issues because the kid never grew up with a mom & dad in the same house. I say he never knew that life so he doesn't know what's it like and therefore it's normal for him.
The son also completely ignores me. He will never say hello, he'll barely look at me. My BF doesn't correct this to teach him manners. Which also, I disagree with. I say this to my BF and he says the son is just shy.
So now my BF wants to get engaged, which I'm afraid I may have to live with this child. I keep thinking, well, hopefully come 18 he'll move away to college, but that's a long 4-5 yrs off. Any advice to help me understand my BF's thinking? I love him dearly but it's very hard on me.
"Masturbates furiously?"
"Masturbates furiously?" :jawdrop: Why the hell do you know this?!?!
Strangely enough my BF and I
Strangely enough my BF and I are neighbors. We live across the street from one another. His house is very close to the street, while mine is set back. One night (about a yr and a half ago) I was on my porch having a cig (I have very good eyesight). I could clearly see into the house since my BF would keep the blinds up (even at night) and I would always see the son playing video games on the sofa. This one night I clearly saw him (without detail mind you) making the motions in front of the tv! The next day I told my BF, which he was surprised to hear, to start closing the blinds in case some weirdo walked in front of the house. Other times my BF told me he has since walked in on the boy in the bathroom, and more recently I was there and there was lotion all over the bathroom wall, not near where it's kept.
Also my BF knows the son watches porn online when he goes to bed, yet he won't take the measures to block that type of content. He says it's a boy thing. I think it's wrong to knowingly submit a minor to something like that.
Ok, while masturbation is
Ok, while masturbation is totaly normal for teenage guys, watching porn online is not something that an adult should be ok with. Online predators, viruses, and legal problems would make most people say NO. If he's ok with it, he needs his head examined. What if the kid downloads child porn on dad's computer? You seem way too normal and intelligent to be involved with somebody whose thought process is that screwed up.
Oh, his computer is always
Oh, his computer is always jacked up due to this. I say, it's because "someone" is downloading/clicking things they shouldn't. The boy only uses this computer, so you know who's to blame. If he gets jammed up w/ something, he'll easily lose his job since he's in law enforcement. Then I'd just laugh and say I told you so.
The child isn't watching kiddie porn, he's watching adults having sex, which is wrong on so many levels, especially at that age. When I was that age I had no idea what a penis was. Maybe times are different now.
Oh, I didn't think he was
Oh, I didn't think he was actively looking for illegal porn, but when he's fooling around on porn sites, he could find himself in some that aren't legal accidentally. And being a teenage male, he's probably not going to be too worried about wondering if everybody on the site is 18. But it could cause all kinds of problems for the adult who owns the computer.
More importantly, WTH is his dad thinking, being that permissive?
And poor you seeing it - you must have wanted to wash out your eyes with Pine-Sol!
Do not get married until the
Do not get married until the kid is squarely gone. Remember so many kids come back after trying to "fly" they're called "boomerang kids". Throw them out and they come right back.
If you think he treats Dad bad wait until he has you under the same roof. Frankly I'd find a guy without kids. Kids never really go away and Dad's guilt will last until he dies. He'll be sending money and rescueing this kid forever.
Your best bet is to decline his proposal and run.
Not to be mean, but I'd be ok
Not to be mean, but I'd be ok with the kid moving back with his mother. In fact, I'd love it. She is actually better at setting their son straight than he is, and the son would benefit from that. Kids need discipline. He rarely ever dishes it out, because.....he feels bad! The son already ignores me, unless I address him directly. My BF would never correct his son's bad manners and it irritates me. Maybe we were just raised differently.
I'm definitely rethinking things at this point.