Been married for over a year.
Been married for over a year. My Hs adult SKs ( SS 22, SD 24), have not called our home or visited our house since we married. They refused to attend our wedding ceremony and have not acknowledged our marriage to my H as far as I know. They pretend I do not exist. Before we married they visited, but it was awkward and they were passively rude ( dirty looks, etc.). Over the past year, my H has invited them to visit us on numerous occasions, but they're always busy, or the drive is too long (they live an hour from us), they're tired, etc., etc. Last year, because my H missed them, he made the trip to visit them ( he picked them up at their mother's house), but I told him this needed to stop and insisted that the next visit should be here. Enough already.
Recently they have been insisting that my H visit them, without me, of course, at their mother's house! Lol. It's really insane. My H of course told them no, but he wants to drive to pick them up again. Am I wrong for telling him HELL NO? I've really had it. These young adults are really lost in lala land. Their patents have been divorced for five years!!!! They just refuse to get over it, and H continues to say their behavior is understandable!!!!!
No, you are not wrong. They
No, you are not wrong. They are adults. God, what is wrong with people? They will never grow up if he keeps catering to them.
Tell your DH to stck to his
Tell your DH to stck to his guns & dont give in. What he does next will set the tone for years to come. His choice as to how he handles this will determine how they behave toward not only him but you as well. Seems odd to still even think of meeting at the BM's house. They will eventually come around & then good luck to you!
^ THIS ^
^ THIS ^
Wow, how did you luck out??
Wow, how did you luck out?? LOL Just kidding (sort of) At least your DH is 'somewhat' on board with you. My DH would of rolled out the red carpet for his cretins, pick them up, give them gas money, feed them, you get the picture.
Not so fast, that's pretty much the plan. Lol Reward them for acting like idiots!!!!Z
I have been telling my H for
I have been telling my H for a year to stick to his guns, but every now and again he comes to me with his sad eyes and tail between his legs and a new reason why he should go visit them. I always say NO. if they can drive home to visit mommy, they can drive to see daddy too. They're blackmailing him emotionally. It's sickening. I sometimes wonder if he will never see them again for simply marrying me!!!!!!
I really would not insist on
I really would not insist on them coming over to you if I were you. Just read the posts on all the other threads about this kind of topic, when you have to ban a SK from your home because they've been so awful, your DH does not like it and it can damage your marriage. If they don't like you then don't let them in your territory but leave the responsibility theirs not yours. If he goes off, do something fun whilst he's off. If he goes too often, have an affair }:)
AWESOME response!
AWESOME response!
I would ask him go BUT he
I would ask him go BUT he should meet them at a restuarant a few miles closer to you than their mother. This way he is calling most of the shots..."SD/SS How about we meet for dinner and a catchup at Red Robin on Hway xxx? I am thinking August 28th works for me. We can do lunch or dinner, you choose. Just the 3 of us. What do you think?"
This way it is on neutral territory and he can ressurect a relationship with his kids. They do not need a relationship with you because they have a mother and if they are still living with her she is likely to have poiisoned their minds. Of course if the kids turn up and bitch him out about you he can say "Stop now. Either say something nice or don't say anytyhing at all." If they try again he can say "OK, I warned you. She is my wife and I will not stand ANY disprespect for my wife or your mother. Check please!" And he pays and leaves. Now adding 'their mother' means he is making it clear they should not talk badly about ANYONE and not just you.
If it works out fine he can tell them to contact him the next time they want to get together. He waits until they make an attempt. If he has to leave due to their crappy attitude he give it 5 mths and tries again warning them that if there is a repeat of last time he will stick them with the bill.Ha HA...NOT!
It is up to him to reign in his kids. DH had to do it with his boys and I had to do it with my DD. Until then keep out of the picture until things settle down. I still think their mother poisoned them against him. She may well have told them that they were getting back together until you turned up in his life.
I agree, they do not need to
I agree, they do not need to be picked up at BM's house. Like oneoffour suggested the meeting needs to take place on neutral turf. Also would not be begging them to visit you. Count your lucky stars that they don't. They have already demonstrated what they think of you, and they have been nasty. Believe me, they WILL nastier in the privacy of your home.
I am in a similar situation-I
I am in a similar situation-I am actually getting married this weekend. My FDH's kids are so horrible they know nothing about the details. They know it is coming, but all hell is gonna break loose when they find out. I plan to sit back and ignore all of it. I am dealing with 3 of them, ages 19, 20, and 23. Like you, I am hated. They want their mom and dad back together bc they consider FDH their wallet. All he means to them is cash, of which we do not have much. They do not contact them unless they want money. He stopped the cash flow last year, and they got nastier. They call me vile names.
His kids are NOT allowed in our home. FDH rarely sees them, and for that I know I am lucky. He has the guilt, but he no longer allows them to emotionally abuse him. They and BM did that for years. FDH is healthier than he has been in 25 years, bc he is away from the toxicity. They are ALL BM, they only look like my FDH. It is amazing he produced them. Anyway, I will never stop him from seeing them, but they are never to come here. If he picks them up, it will be at a local park. No way is he going to BMs, as she is unstable.
I expect your DH is very much like mine in the guilt department. We cannot do anything about that, but we can make sure we are protected, and watch out for our guys, too.
I would NOT allow them in your home unless they change dramatically. I would let your DH see them, but he does not pick them up at BMs. NO WAY. That is ridiculous. I know how you feel, and how frustrating it is.
I'm in a very similar
I'm in a very similar situation but it's been going on for nearly 9 years now. My adult skids will not acknowledge I exist. The only way that my DH is allowed to see them (and his grandchildren) is if he visits them on the other side of the country. They have not visited our home in over 8 years. SD moved out when she went to college and hasn't been back since.
It started out that they always had excuses. They were busy, they had other plans, they needed to go see their grandma and spend Christmas with her. then it turned into a total lack of any communication.
Then OSS got married and DH wasn't invited. Then there were grandkids. DH was devastated. He figured they'd eventually come around but the estrangement got worse as they got older.
Then his family started getting on him about what his kids were going thru and him not being there for them and he finally broke and went crawling back begging their forgiveness. Now he's their bitch and he does whatever they ask so he's allowed to have contact with him.
If he told them that he wouldn't visit without me or they had to visit us instead, his kids would go back to being estranged. So he won't force the issue. It's like he lives two lives - one with his kids and one with me and that's what works for him.
If you stand your ground and say that they either accept you or there's no contact until they do, then your DH has to be committed to being estranged and not wuss out as soon as theres a crisis with his kids.
It's all guilt. Dh thinks
It's all guilt. Dh thinks he's never going to make up to them for his so-called sins, which includes marrying me so soon after his first wife died.
His kids guilt him over him not being there for them while they were adults in college and make a big deal over him doing things with my kids. He missed his son's graduation from college (on the other side of the country) because he already was committed to doing something that weekend with my son.
They also will never let him forget that SD was being a wild child in college and was in the hospital for binge drinking and her brothers had to fly out to help her. They guilt him over having to parenting their sister while he was being a dad to my kids.
They never will let any of this go. He really is like their slave and they have him feeling so bad over choosing me and my kids over them that he will do anything they say.
Wouldn't it be great if skids
Wouldn't it be great if skids could wrap their brains around the concept that "We didnt get to choose any of our kids spouses they dont get to choose ours." Oh. Yeah. Right...they can't think outside of themselves.
Do. Not. Let. Them. In. Your. Home. That's your sanctuary. Do yourself a favor and do not allow the chance for them to slap a bad memory in a happy space for you.
That is exactly how I feel-my
That is exactly how I feel-my home is my peaceful space, and I do not want toxic people in here.
I agree with those who say to
I agree with those who say to keep the toxic SK out of your house. I was fine when my husband went to visit them. Just don't let them in. Who cares if they meet at BM house? He married you and he supports you when you complain about their treatment of you. Just try to let it go for awhile. Try to enjoy yourself when he's out of town; I sure did.