Advice

Mountains's picture

I am posting in hopes to get some constructive advice on something I am thinking of doing.  Long story short, SS and SD have had issues with our marriage since day 1.  They are both in their late 50’s.  Their mom passed many years ago then I met their dad.  Recently, I found some items of SD that she had requested we find and send...in the past, btw, we have spent a lot of money shipping her all her moms things she asked for - furniture, etc.  lately, though, my DH has asked her to cover the cost of shipping since every week we got a list of things she wanted...until she had to pay then she got more picky.  Anyway, I found an antique watch of her moms stuffed in a box along with other historical family papers.  I emailed SD asking her when it would be a good time to send them, no response.  Over the years I have written several times inviting her and gkids to visit but never get a response.  

Sorry for the long intro, but I want to send the items to her because I feel they are things she should have.  It won’t cost a lot and I am willing to do it just to get them gone.  However, I was thinking of writing a letter sharing this would be the last communication attempt from me since none in the past have been acknowledged.  Should I do that or just ship it without?

My DH is supportive of me (finally) and we have a good marriage.  Thanks in advance.

justmakingthebest's picture

Ehh.. SD being rude and being in her 50's is stupid. I would probably send one more e-mail and say if she doesn't want it you are just going to trash it. I bet that would get a response. 

Once she does respond, kill her with kindness (at least at first).

Mountains's picture

I have killed her kindness for 14 years to no avail!  But thanks for the idea of emailing once more.

Merry's picture

I'd stop communicating with her since she obviously doesn't want to communicate with you. Everything should go through your DH. If he wants to send her the watch, fine. If he wants to ask her about it, fine. Just step back and let him handle it.

"DH, honey, I just don't know what to do with this watch and family papers. Your Princess didn't respond to me, so I don't know if she wants them or not. Would you just please handle it? Either send them to her, or sell the watch or give it away, I don't care. I just don't feel right about keeping it."

Mountains's picture

The DH won’t do anything about it because each time he tried in the past, she would send a laundry list of his stuff she wanted.  Needless to say, he got tired of it.  I guess I need to just let it go and not worry about it.

justmakingthebest's picture

^ That is the other idea. Start sticking all that stuff in a box in the attic and just let it be. 

SacrificialLamb's picture

Yes, anything you think she should have just stick in a box in the attic. Write her name on the box. She will get it eventually.

Mountains's picture

Thanks - I need to learn to not worry about it....I don’t know why I care about her getting these things.  Except, if it were my moms I know I would appreciate the effort.  However, I am going to try and forget about it!

NachoQueen's picture

My SD would continually ignore any text I sent. I'd send a group text to her and her brother inviting them to my house for Father's Day. So my husband would feel special on his day becasue pf course they wouldn't do anything for Father's Day without us paying for it.... She would inevitabley ignore me every time. Then she would show up for the barbeque. GRRRR. I stoppped allowing her to mistreat me years ago. I never communicate with her due to this. Ignoring texts is passive aggressive and I respect myself too much to put myself in that position anymore. Ignore, Ignore. Don't reach out anymore.

marblefawn's picture

She's not going to play nice after all these years. If you don't mind sending it knowing you won't get a response, I'd just send it without further comment. Don't beg her to "let" you do something nice for her. This type loves it when you keep trying because each effort on your part is another chance to reject you.

However, I'd only send it "signature required" because I can almost imagine her coming around in 3 years saying she'd like the watch and acting as if she never received it. It's just a smart move with anything valuable, but especially with someone hostile on the receiving end.

And if you have any notion of getting thanks or that this might win over SD, just don't send anything. You'll be disappointed and it's better to preserve your dignity. Give the stuff to your husband and ask him to dispose of it as he sees fit.

Mountains's picture

Thank to each you for your input.  I got a wide and wide set of input that will help.  I appreciate your sharing.

ItsGrowingOld's picture

My suggestion is to never care about Skids wants and needs more than their parent.  If DH doesn't care if your SD gets these items then why should you.

It is kind of you to want her to have these items.  I can almost guarantee she is seeing your kindness as weakness. 

I stopped caring about my DH's daughters (I don't call them step kids, ever) about 10 years ago.  My feeling towards them is apathetic.  I wish them no harm but stay away from them.  Just the way I like it.

Maria10's picture

Tell her you are throwing them out. Stick them in a box in the attic. Bequeath the box in your will. 

Seriously? 50 and she does things like this....I have officially lost hope for my bm now...

Exjuliemccoy's picture

Is there still a lot of stuff belonging to SD's mom in your house? If so, why not have it all moved to a storage unit? Pay for the first month's rent, then email this middle aged brat providing details of the location and the amount she'll need to pay monthly.

Be done with her.

Mountains's picture

It is mostly gone now...this was just some expensive jewelry that was tucked away in a box in a closet.  The rest of the stuff is now going to the junk pile the next time we do a spring cleaning.  We tried, she ignored, it goes.  Feels great!

still learning's picture

Hire someone for the day to help clean out the deceased wife's items. DH can store what he wants in a trunk and donate the rest.  It's not right that you have to tend to the items and are responsbile for getting them to SD. Enough is enough. 

 

notasm3's picture

One of my close friends married a widower about 4-5 years after his wife died.  He'd been transferred by his company and moved to a distant city where he met my friend.  When my friend married him she found that his daughters had moved all of their mother's personal possessions like makeup, deoderant, lotion, etc into his new home and populated the bathroom with her personal toiletries.

Mountains's picture

SD wanted everything, even wrapping paper, used note pads, etc.  She ended up selling a lot of the clothes (she took all the clothes) and other furniture she had to have because she had no room in her house.  

Mountains's picture

What finally upset DH was her asking for his stuff...

still learning's picture

That's just creepy like something out of a horror flick. What the literal *F*?!  Who would do that but Sick twisted skids.