Is there a problem or is the problem me?
I'm not even sure where to start and if this message gets long and jumps all over the place I apologize now. I guess I'm looking for other thoughts on issues with the skids and their bm. I have strongly suggested dh call child protective services or an attorney but he thinks it'd be a waste.
I am concerned with the skids; sd 7 yrs 8 months and ss 13 yrs 9 months. They are both, for lack of a better word, helpless.
The almost 8 yo....is terrified of the dark. Needs every light in the house on at all times after sunset. She even sleeps with the bedroom light on when she's here and in her bm's room at home. Everytime she's here we work on the anxiety and by the end of the break we're strong and confident and sleep 8 hours in our own bed with just a nightlight in the bathroom down the hall. Then she goes home and she's allowed to start up with the lights and bed partners again. She is dislexic, that's obvious with so much (she failed 1 st grade and can read on a kinder level). She is not being treated for this and when the tutor refused to let her call home one day so she could talk to her mom, bm withdrew her from class permanently. In Christmas last year she had an ear ache the day we took her home. Ear ache, fever, headache, dizzyness. DH told bm she had an ear infection. She was taken to the doctor two months later when she lost her hearing. She was here all summer and the day before going home she complained of an ear ache. It's been two weeks, she hasn't gone to the doc yet, and tells me her bm puts ear drops in her ears every day but her ear still hurts (probably a homeopathic remedy). She calls her almost 14 yo brother "bubby". She was not allowed to here. He is going into high school and doean't need that and she's almost 8 yrs old. "Bubby" is a little too 3 yr old talk. She cannot wash her own hair (she's not allowed to). She has never used a knife to cut her own food. She cannot make her own sandwich (she doesn't know the 'order' as far as mayo, then cheese, then ham). Though she does well by the end of time here with us, she forgets by the time she comes back. She cannot dress herself, she doesn't understand colors and patterns or how to put them together. And this is all because bm refuses to teach and allow them to do for themselves.
13 yo ss is a bright kid. He has so much potential and enthusiasm for so much. He's 226 lbs. He has high blood pressure. High cholesteral. And we're waiting the results of additional blood work (I'm concerned with diabetes). DH has talked to her many times about this. She says he'll avg out with puberty. He went thru puberty 6 months ago. But despite the facial hair and crackly voice he had she swears he won't go thru it until he's 16. We paid cash at the pediatrician for him to be seen while they were here. We got a 4 page print out of diagnosis and suggested treatment. Her bm tossed it aside, convinced it's not an issue until he's 16. He was here for 9 weeks, and lost 13 lbs.
They do not have chores at home, ss did not know how to do dishes. They leave things laying around and expect me to pick them up. My 7, 11 and 12 yo dd's can switch loads and start the dryer. 13 yo ss asked me which one was the dryer.
I could go on and on but you get the jist of things. Am I wrong? Is bm borderline neglectful or am I too tough? The only time dh ever argue is about the his kids. I want them to be so much better, healthy and independent. BM wants to continue babying them both.
What do I do? Do we have any grounds to fight for custody? Do we call child protective services? Or do we just back off and let her continue to convince them they cannot do things becuz they're too young?
Your DH is right...not your
Your DH is right...not your idea of great parenting, but no judge will do a thing on this...neither will CPS. Sorry.
leave well enough alone. Be
leave well enough alone. Be thankful you deal with this only during visits and not full time. But honestly the things you have listed, while absolutely annoying, isn't enough to warrant a CPS call or custody battle.
I'm not complaining about the
I'm not complaining about the kids so much as I am concerned for their health and well being. They are going to grow up to be adult children. Not able to take care of themselves or be responsible. I fear their continued belief of being unable to do something (ride a bike) not becuz they can't ride one but becuz their mom said they can't and therefore they don't even try. And as I was typing this, DH was on the phone with ex wife who called to chew him out for us making the kids live in a boot camp while they were here. She does not agree with rules or punishment at her house so they shouldn't have any at our house either. And then she demanded to know why 7 yo was allowed to use a knife, not allowed to talk like a baby (call 13 yo "Bubby") or why she was forced to sleep in her own bed instead of on our bedroom floor?
The first few weeks are always hard on our relationship. He's so happy to finally see them that for awhile anything goes and they get away with murder. But he realizes it and catches himself and things are peaceful and I see the self esteem rise and hear the can do attitudes they have realizing they can do so much more than they thought they could and that some actions do have consequences. But all in all I do love and cherish these kids and I want what's best for them.
I'd rather it be full time instead of part time. The future for them scares me. If bm doesn't see the error of her ways these poor kids will have a rough adulthood.
"If bm doesn't see the error
"If bm doesn't see the error of her ways these poor kids will have a rough adulthood."
well at least we know they will fit in with all the other screwed up adult children skids.
So with the things you have listed, (while I DO understand you point and think you have a good one. But I'm being objective here for ya) and then the things that you just said BM said to you about your house, would you say that SHE should be concerned? Enough to call CPS or such?
Probably not. I would say that the children are not being abused or neglected (in a true sense) that it is just a matter of two separate household's with clearly different idea's and ways of parenting. Unfortunately.
i forgot about that one.
i forgot about that one.
Thank you, I hear where
Thank you, I hear where you're coming from. I guess we are both just scared for the kids well being. It's hard knowing things are the way they are and there's not much we can do. We are going to start seriously documenting things better. Their physical health is most important. A 13 year old boy should not be 100 lbs overweight with high blood pressure, high cholesteral and be at risk for a heart attack. That's just wrong. And for her to hear a pediatrician say your son is going to die and brush it off as no big deal is just beyond me. And a 7 yo should not be laid out all the time for a simple easily treatable ear infection just becuz her bm doesn't want them on man-made medications. :?
Dh did call his attorney, so we'll see what happens.
yes indeed. Physical health
yes indeed. Physical health is most important. The best you can do is document and follow the advice of the attorney.
Keep us posted. and good luck to ya
Is the boy brave enough to
Is the boy brave enough to tell a court he wants to live with Dad - assuming he does. Courts will consider that often enough with every state being different.
No, he wants to live with bm.
No, he wants to live with bm. He could care less about coming here. When he comes here he's expected to clean up after himself, shower daily (he admits he only showers once a week at home and bm has said she can't get him to shower when she asks him to). He's forced here to wear clean clothes whereas there he and bm have both admitted it's not uncommon for him to wear the same clothes for several days. His food intake is monitored and he's not allowed soda, kool-aid, candy, cakes or the like here. There he's served cheese eggs, bacon, 2 donuts and a pepsi for breakfast. Here we eat dinner together at the table, there he eats in his bedroom with the tv on. We have rules, expectations and consequences here. There bm says he's still too young for responsibilities or to understand consequences. They are allowed 1 hr on the computer, 1 hour on video games (xbox, wii) and one movie per night. Otherwise they play outside, read, ride bikes, hike, etc. There bm admits she allows him to hybernate in his room. Here he is expected to do for himself (clean his room, clear his plate off the table, etc), there she does everything for him. There life is a teenage boys dream. A woman waiting on him hand and foot 24/7. Here life is hell and he hates it.
Now the sd on the other hand would rather be here than there. She says here she gets to do lots of stuff (making a pb & j sandwhich was the coolest thing in the world to her). Riding her bike, going swimming, bible study, gymnastics. At home she's not allowed to do anything, and bm admits she feels sd is too young for stuff like what we let her do here.
It's a pretty jacked up situation. I wanted soooo bad to get along with her and make life here as close to life there as possible becuz I want them, my kids, dh and I all to be happy. But her mind is just so out there that she's destroying her kids and our family and doesn't even realize it. Ugh. I hate that woman. Someone out there may say she is a great friend or an overall wonderful person. But I think she is one shotty parent.