"F you, B, I want a divorce."

I would ask myself do I want to be spoken to that way for very minor infractions for the rest of my life.

And I would wonder, if he's going to talk to me that way for something so small, what's he going to do about things that are really big deals?

You're the only person who is going to take care of you! Make sure you do it well!

My husband would react like that when i would mention what daughter did and how she disrespectful she is after 3 yrs i got fed up and want her out. he's too weak to discipline so i had to set my foot down even if it means losing him in the process I will not let my health be at risk and putting our younger son at risk with her behavior. Don't put up with anything once you do they will walk all over you and lose respect for you...Good luck to you...

I don't feel it's the enmeshment or weakness toward the daughter that would put me off, as that might be workable-on. What would really but me would be the bad treatment of myself as a wife. Personally I could not endure someone to say FUB to me and remain married to them, but setting that aside as just colourful language, what is so bad about counseling that he feels beaten up by it? Only you can know, but if you think the counseling is professional and helpful, you really have your answer, because if he perceives it as a punishment yet it is working well for you, this is not a compatible relationship. IMHO.

Sorry not "but me", "bug me".

Stepmomfromhell the SD's pregnancy was apparently over 3 years ago OP says this happened when they were first married which has now been 3 years. That aside, she asked that the daughter replace the toilet paper when she used the last of it and DH says F u Bitch. That was making sure she got more than her fair share of rest I would think.

I think OP has the same problem a lot of us have here, and I think she should keep going with the counseling on her own till she feels emotionally ready to leave. Unless the fathers are prepared to see how and more importantly why they are contributing and creating to the hurt and pain of their wives, to the breakdown of the marriages and how and why they are unnaturally attached to their daughters to the point of emotional incest, there is not much hope of things changing.

The only way out of these situations I feel is to work on ourselves, get our own mental and emotional health up to par, fix and maintain our physical well being, prepare ourselves for financial independance and if or when the time comes we go with no regrets, no what if's no if only's, no could've, should've would've. We do not have the power to, nor should we try to change another person, we just need to change ourselves, regain our health and self esteem and make our own lives better. It is up to our DH's if they want to change their lives, but if they believe their life can only be happy serving, bowing and scraping to the daughter, then we have to let them be, no matter how much we may want to smack their heads in for being so stupid.

However, the F u Bitch, well sorry but I have never had that said to me over anything, let alone something as ridiculous as toilet paper. Let's be honest if SD was so ill or weakened by this pregnancy for whatever reason, a more reasonable response from DH would have been, look, she is not very well, I know you work all day, we are remodelling the house after work and you are exhausted as well, so I will try to make sure that there is always plenty of toilet paper myself. Wouldn't have mattered if he didn't always do it, at least she would have felt supported. NOT F u BITCH I WANT A DIVORCE, that is insane. And I have never been threatened with I want a divorce, over comments I have made about SD, but if I was, then I would go there and then and work on myself later. That of course may make things a bit or even a lot tougher in the short term, but in the long term you would be a whole lot better off. F u bitch I want a divorce, because she asked that SD replace the toilet paper when she had used the last of it. Please......................What a shame OP didn't give him the divorce she asked for, then this heartache of hers would have been over three years ago.

Sunnyside, I hope you slapped his jerk face after he said that to you! Men are soooo stupid when it comes to their spawn.

If someone says they want a divorce, on some level perhaps they do. Maybe they just aren't capable of commiting in a mature way to a marriage because marriage isn't easy. Did you call his bluff?

I think its safe to assume that things have not gotten better in the years after the FUB comment and threat.

Obviously you would not be here if you weren't seriously considering leaving and since the counseling didn't work I don't see another option.

Or accept the fact that you are second fiddle to his kid(s) and always will be. That's the normal lot of a step-parent. I warned my wife a couple of times that she was on thin ice when it came to my kids. I told her she was welcome to express her opinion. Once. If I didn't take her advise then that was it. I also clearly understood that I was on thin ice when it came to hers.

Lets face some reality here - if I think my wife is wrong (and at this point I'll interrupe to say its irrelevent if you agree with her. The fact is I believe she's wrong) so if my wife is wrong do you expect me to mistreat my child? Not going to happen and ladies before you tell me I'm foolish when it comes to my children I will point out that most females are at least twice as protective as most males.

She's entitled to her opinion as am I. Once.

So choose your bed and sleep in it with ease. Second fiddle to step-kids as most step-parents do - or live alone. Frankly if the guy is a good guy otherwise I'd ignore his kids and what he does with or for them and relax.

So what if you don't just end it all together? What if you live separate and if you like it, you know you can end it??

I think another counselor would have told you by now that you have put up with more than enough and you have gone beyond any biblical duty. You have really put forth effort here and I see him has cow towing always to his daughter.

The cheeky swine, he's one of those parents who thinks his child is the second coming, to good to do lowly domestic tasks, if she can't replace a toilet roll at her age wtf can she do? As for his comment, I would have emasculated him for that, you cannot let people talk to you like that, what an asshole, you deserve better, I would run for the hills.

OrangeCountyCa. The stepdaughter was not a child that daddy had to protect. She was (3 years ago) a married woman with a husband of her own and if her father thought asking her to replace a toilet roll was asking too much, then how will this woman cope when she is pregnant with a subsequent baby and has a toddler to lift.

For heaven's sake, it is absolutely inappropriate for parents to put ADULT children ahead of their partners especially when these adults have families of their own.

No one should have to accept the fact that they are "second fiddle" to anyone, ESPECIALLY a husband or wife. I cannot imagine you suggesting that in a marriage were mum and dad are still living together with the kids you would suggest that one of them play second fiddle, that would be an abhorent example to their children on how to maintain relationships. So, why should second husbands/wives suddenly become second best and second fiddle. Ridiculous.

Parents are supposed to have relationships with their children that are different to the relationships they have with their partners. They are supposed to be mature enough to love their children and their partners equally but differently, they are supposed to allow their children to grow up to be independent adults and to love them enough to let them go and live normal lives, not protect them from changing the toilet roll.

If you do not want the commitment of marriage and want to put your children first, and you only want a second fiddle to shack up with or to cook and clean, then be upfront and say so. Do not commit to a marriage, vow to love and honour this person above all others, then put your kids or anyone else above them.

Bet hell would freeze over before any of these adult kids allowed their husbands or wives to play second fiddle to mum and dad, won't even mention a steparent, and I bet you it would freeze over even faster before they themselves would play second fiddle to anybody.

If the OP was your daughter and this is how she was being treated by her husband, would you tell her, well you are a steparent so you'll just have to learn to play second fiddle. Would you sit back and think it was okay for her husband to treat her this way, to allow her to work all day, then work again at night, and to not expect that his adult daughter at least change the toilet roll, would you really think your daughter was living with a rational good man. Would you think she is a steparent to a grown woman and she needs to play second fiddle and if she doesn't well she can leave, because that to me is making it the OPs fault, would you see it as your daughter's fault or would that be different or would you expect your daughter's husband to treat her with a bit more respect. Would you think it would be okay for your son to treat his wife like this.

Sure younger kids have needs that have to be met, and sometimes with younger kids these needs to be fed, clothed, changed etc., have to come first. But adult children with their own husband/wife to take care of them, and to meet their needs, well no one should think it is okay for their partners to play second fiddle to the WANTS and laziness of an adult child come on, NO WAY should she play second fiddle, that is not how a marriage is supposed to work that is a joke. I am gob smacked you could even say something like that.

I just had to wait until DH saw for himself what the SKids were really like. I disengaged and pursued my own hobbies etc. I'd leave stuff undone that they were supposed to do. I am NOT Suzi homemaker but I like a certain amount of neatness but I can live with not changing the TP roll because I carry my own! Let him see what's NOT done. Please tell me she does her own laundry!?
DH picked up the slack for SKids for a while but even he got sick of it and implemented changes, tough love now that you are older and can take responsibility yourselves type thing...hey if that works for him it works for me too!
I'd outline simple tasks that even a child could do and give her the responsibility for them, in front of DH, and let him see her reactions. If he overreacts I'd suggest to him...in front of her...that he's really insulting her capabilities and that might jolt her into 'defying' him? I dunno...worth a try?

I'm just sayin that when it gets down and dirty my kids come first.

Not that they can treat my wife with disrespect - no of course not and I've verbally slapped them when they start to bad mouth her - even if I may agree with them.

I think we're just disagreeing on where to draw the line as I have no doubt you all will side with your kid over your spouse over some issue or another.

Amazing - my DH threatened me too w/divorce "if I didn't stop creating problems" the first year. I was devastated. Remember the whole episode like it was yesterday. Feel for you b.c. you are being treated like me as a SM. I disengaged for past 3 yrs., slip up sometimes for sure, but skids are the same. Exactly. DH is very depressed having to deal with them being jerks to him when asked to do anything. Example: loading water in refrig. We didn't do it & he complained, "no water, what's up??" Told him to fill it. He didn't. Yesterday he sadly told DH, "I had to put a bottle in the ice b.c. it was warm, why didn't SM fill it?" hhahahha

"I would like to hear your opinions on why SD, who had never stayed with DH after she married, stays exclusively with us now that we are married (even though her mother and stepfather as well as her husband's parents live in this same town)."

When she married, her H was a better servant than DH. When you married DH, you trumped her husband. If and when you separate, you can bet anything it will not be worth her while staying with DH for whilst he gives her a roof over her head, he will fail on the service front.

Going on 5 yrs. I've been married. Nothing has changed since day 1. Skids still refuse to flush the toilet after themselves. I laugh when folks complain about the seat problem. They never lift the seat--prefer to pee on it. I "behave" for the most part so no more threats to divorce me. (Behave=don't say anything about them(BM/DH/skids) to him and use my master bathroom exclusively)

Very similar, SD 19 moved in after we were married less than a yr. Did nothing, brought BF over who was the age of my last BF. They ate the food I shopped for, paid for and sometimes cooked. I had a terrible pregnancy and I was doing all the cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping while she went into my things and said she wasn't into money and that's why she didn't work full time. The problem is that she would have done more if H had stepped in and said something.

Our first 2 years of marriage were spent remodeling this stupid house that dropped 100K. Don't get me started on that house! lol.

When I said something to him he bowed his head quietly like I done something wrong. She went on to do this to her grandma. Neither confronted her laziness or n.eed for contribution. This was a real disservice to her because she is the type who actually would have responded and probably changed. I read over and over that it was not my place to talk to her so I didn't.

Fast forward 6 yrs. She's married (not working, no kids, but it's okay because her H is great and takes care of her). H. admits he botched up the first years of our marriage with this type of guilty dad behavior.

My H. didn't support me by not validating my concerns and not confronting his daughter. I felt really alone and had no idea of all the dynamics of step family.

The way your H is talking to you is my biggest concern. He is really undermining the very foundation of your marriage when he talks to you like that. It is so disrespectful and toxic. He really needs to go to anger mgmnt counseling or something and learn constructive ways of dealing with his anger. It's abusive, period end.

You may want to consider separation if he continues to use this style of confrontation.. verbal abuse that is. Not to divorce but to address the seriousness of it.

I kind of wonder if spoiled brat begets spoiled brat? DH really does like things 'his way' regarding the kids so I'll just let him have at it 'his way' and let's see what happens! I disengaged a couple of years ago, rather than get into conflict with him, or them. How the kids are raised is THE only thing we disagreed on, so now no fights about anything.
I am not on bad terms with the SKids, at all, they just know better than to ask me for anything!
DH got very defensive regarding the kids, almost aggressive, and he was in denial that his kids were on a bad path.
He does the 'tough love' thing with them now though, they made 18 and are responsible for their own choices.
I do lead a charmed life otherwise...

Why don't you just tell SD yourself to replace the toilet paper and leave your DH out of it? I'm sure there is more to the situation than toilet paper if your DH is talking to you like that. No sane person would go ballistic over a simple request, but maybe it was your asking him that felt like an attack on his daughter. I know how I feel when my DH criticizes my son to me. I wonder why he doesn't just deal with it himself -- my son is an adult. Yesterday DH complained that my son didn't say "thank you" when DH paid for his lunch and took him somewhere with DH's friend. He only said "thank you" after the friend said thank you. DH also complained that I did my son's laundry (home from the military for 10 days, 21 years old). The complaints are super annoying and if it doesn't affect him, than I wish he would just shut up. But I can't see wanting a divorce over it.

I would throw in the towel. I kept trying but my husband was not abusive with me. Anyway, they are on the warpath because they don't like the way he left the trust. I would never recommend that a woman marry a man with adult children. Get out of there! Be safe about it too.

I've been at this for seven years and for one SD, it will never get better. She is getting worse. I didn't realize she thought she was the woman of the house. As they say, I wish I knew then what I know now.