Walk. Away.

If they think you're selfish...who cares? You think they're selfish (you're right!)

They think you're unreasonable? Who cares? You think they're unreasonable (you're right!)

See...two can play at that game. Don't worry so much about what people who you don't respect think about you. I'm glad you spoke your mind...now back it up and get the heck out of Dodge.

15 years from now when their son/brother/son-in-law hasn't been able to find anyone to accept the 'mommy' role and is alone and miserable...and little precious poopkins is a failure-to-launch 22-year-old thorn in the family's side...maybe they'll realize their mistake. NOT your problem.

Go you!

I don't think speaking your mind is wrong, or telling the truth as you see it. Your DH is in for a rude awakening every time he finds a new GF or wife. Very, very few women will step in to PLAY Mommy, which it sounds like is exactly what he wanted. He wanted someone to do the not-fun Mommy stuff while not rocking the boat of "his family ideal". Relationships don't work that way. Having a kid doesn't make one the "more" half of partnership.

My suggestion? Take your stuff and your life and move on.

They just proved everything you wrote by dismissing you outright. Eff 'em.

See if any of them will be willing to step up and be "mom" to the kid.

They are pissed that you did not take on that role, and now, your husband will probably be needing THEIR help.

Just be willing to accept that years and years from now, everything will be your fault. SS's continued issues will all come back to you. Your H's inability to parent, will be your fault. Your in-laws never accepting another woman to take the "mommy" role, will be your fault.

Take a deep breath and be ok with that. You said yourself there were things you would do differently. Take that knowledge and make sure you don't make the same mistakes twice. Learn and move on. This is not a supportive family. If they were, you would not be feeling the way you do. Respect yourself and know your value and also your emotional limits. With no support, this is a disastrous situation that you were thrown into.

TwoOfUs is correct.

It does not matter that they think you are selfish. Isn't it funny how there are some people who go about their business looking our for themselves and their own interests all the time, and yet no one calls THEM selfish? And yet the second you decide to take a time out and think of your own needs, you are called EXTREMELY selfish...

It just goes to show that no one involved really cares for you (sorry)- it's about what you can do for them. And if you don't do your job, you're out!

With a "family" like that, you don't need enemies. They are perfectly happy to let you run yourself into the ground taking care of their child/grandchild, and do the things they won't do themselves, and then discard you when you've been used up.

It's so tragic that the child lost his mother. You DID step up to the plate when you didn't have to, and they should be grateful for it. What is this about NO preschool or childcare? Just with you all the time? That is too much for even a bio parent!

You were correct in everything you wrote in your text. I think you were right to send it. You hit them in the face with the truth, and they'd rather dismiss you than to treat you properly. So be done with them.

Ouch, I'm so sorry they brought you to this point and then dismissed you this way. That whole family can suck it. That's horrible. I'm glad you spoke your mind. As others said, after woman #? does the same thing they may realize they are a tad unrealistic.

I'm wondering? When you and DH exchanged wedding vows, did your vows include anything along the lines of "I promise to be a mother to YOUR child that I did NOT birth"? I feel that the most anyone can expect of a step mother is simply to be supportive of their spouse. So your DH had a kid. Kid lived with you. your "responsibility" if you will, was to help your spouse maintain a roof over his child's head, basic necessities for his child and a respectful relationship with his child (so hello, goodbye, please don't kick the cat, etc)

They all sound like a bunch of ignorant mouth breathing fools. I know it hurts now, but I think after a while, you will see this as a blessing to not have these people in your life.

I disagree with CG- it seems to be ladled with hidden 'guilt trips' to the OP-of which I think she's had enough. It's ok sometimes to act out of anger or hurt-nothing was insulting. She was a part of their family and she had every right to speak up for herself.

I disagree that his family's opinion/thoughts don't matter- IMO in-laws/family carry a big responsibility in society to help support marriages and encourage them to stay together and help BOTH people in the marriage to succeed. The reason stepfamilies fail so much does come IMO directly from an extreme lack of societal support-mainly and including in-laws.

"There is no shame in being honest about your interest and expectations. Your husband failed to
be clear about his expectations and clearly you did not articulate your limitations prior to the marriage." If he never shared this why are we calling her position a LIMITATION? It's not a limitation-it's a very typical/normal position for a step-parent- and IMO his UNREALISTIC expectations are what caused a 'deficit' in his head-but certainly this was NO limitation of HERS> A parent has NO RIGHT to expect a PARENTAL role from a step-parent. It's not realistic, it's shameful and it's a BIG part of the problem in stepfamilies.

"There was a child involved so it was reckless of both of you not to discuss so important of an issue prior to the marriage. When there are children involved there is always the possibility that the parent may become the full time parent." Disagree again-because what person in their right mind would ever expect to act and BE mom and homeschooler with a disordered kid???? I don't see ANY wreckless role from her end.

You're doing the classic twist on 'blame the stepmom' you do all the time on this board. She has enough to deal with, I find it very evil to 'dance on ones grave' though.

I applaud you for telling the truth. That is what matters. And you know that deep down in your soul. What other people think and say doesn't matter. They are not living your life you are. Everyone deserves to live a happy life. Give yourself credit for your resilience. You matter to. This is a turning point for you and take it. Walk away with grace and know that this life was not for you. Go live the life you want.

Good for you for speaking up for yourself!
I hope you will walk away from him.
She didn't fit the mommy role?
Omg I can't even...
Why was he pulled out of preschool...?
24/7 with the kids thats not tyours (your title should be saint).
I can't wait for the teenage years. Ooh yeah...I can see precious doing all sorts of things...
Also not everything can be decided and discussed prior to marriage.
Next time you will do better with drawing the boundaries.

What the heck! does that even mean: "She knew you had a kid going into this." Who tries to use that line anymore? That is like telling a divorced person, “You knew when you went into this (marriage), it could end in divorce.” And considering that just about ½ of all marriages do end in divorce, that line could be used. But it isn’t, and why? Because it would be rather insensitive. But, throw the SM word in there, and suddenly, "She knew you had a kid going into this," becomes a so-called reasonable line to justify why SM is supposed to put up with shiatsu up the wazoo—she, gasp!, married a man with children!

But, let’s face it. There is a bunch of nutso “advice” out there for SMs. Most of it revolves around archaic assumptions. The assumption is that SM cheated with dad on BM; that dad left BM for SM; that the children are so damaged from their parents’ divorce or mom’s passing, that SM had better accept that her and dad’s marriage will never really count to anyone; that SM is some kind of gold-digger; that SM is a much younger trophy wife; that SM brings nothing to the table financially, so if dad wants to buy his kid a Maserati, SM had better butt-out even if it will affect her financially just as much as DH; that SMs are supposed to provide dad with bedroom time and servant-type duties, but not much else; that once dad passes, SM is supposed to fork over all of “his” money to the kids, who maybe showed up and did things for dad once or twice a year, for the past 10+ years. And, the list goes on and on.

How incredibly sexist is that? Very few, less than 10% of SMs cheated with dad on BM and then went on to marry DH. SMs come in all shapes and sizes nowadays. Some earn more money than their husband, and some even have no problem helping out their SKs financially. All they want is a little appreciation in return, but some even seem to think that is asking too much. Some SMs may be older than their husband. And, this incredibly asinine advice given to SMs over and over, that she more-or-less needs to roll over and show her belly anytime anyone from the “initial” family is around. It is almost like the only thing worse than being a SM is being a SM asking for advice or help or assistance. Even here on Steptalk, a site for step-parents to vent, it happens where a SM will be shot down just for stating her concerns. And, for about 95% of the posts here, if they were on some generalized mom forum vs. SP forum, I can pretty much guarantee ya', every single one would be answered with something like, “How dare you even ask! Butt out. You knew what you were getting into.”

Anyway, your group text response was beautiful and accurate, to the point that I hope many bookmark this or use this if they ever find themselves in a similar situation. Everything you said is relevant. You have nothing to be ashamed of. I agree this is why most step-situations fail: “Lack of consideration and understanding is why it failed so badly.” This is the reason much more so than Evil SM. That’s for sure.

I think your text was great. They’re going to take his side no matter what. You said your peace. Brush it off and be glad you are done and have a ss free world ahead of you!

Good for you. You needed to get those things off your chest. And, I think you now see that you don't need any of this in your life. You were taking care of a child full-time that wasn't yours. It's hard enough for me as a SAHM with my own toddler, plus dealing with skids with multitude of emotional issues, so I understand your pain. Honestly, your DH and his family should get it too. The fact that they don't is very telling.

Recently I told DH's mom about stuff that was going on in my household with the skids. I was also getting to a breaking point and didn't have people to talk to. She was also a step mother at a point (her husband passed away and she eventually stopped contact with her step daughter) and this is what she said to me..."Being a step mother is the worse, the absolute worst. I told myself after my husband passed away that I would never love someone enough to make them a stepparent."

She did eventually remarry. But, I was really grateful that she shared that with me. It felt like this weight off of me because someone in my life understood my difficulties with the life that I chose. She didn't judge me or assume that her grandchildren were complete angels. She understood what I dealt with on a daily basis. I think that most people who haven't lived it don't have a clue.

Wow I just read more of your blogs and saw where BM had a son prior to being with your DH and that your DH couldn't stand him and to this day has no relationship with him? What a gigantic bunch of hypocrites he and his family are! I also read about how DH pulled SS out of preschool and wanted YOU to home school him?? The writing is on the wall here dear.

DH and his family will coddle and Disney parent, and cripple this kid. Mark my words. Everything will always be everyone else's fault.. the school, the evil SM, the mean boss etc. SS will NEVER do any wrong and heaven help the person who implies that he does.

Yuck. Not the kind of people I would want to be associated with for 10 minutes much less 10 more years.

"Do NOT respond to that text. Disregard her"
------------------------------

They said this to your H because they know that everything you said is true.

Sorry, I haven’t read through all of the responses.

I’m glad you stood up for yourself. I think if more SMs did and did it right at the beginning they would have a lot less problems.

Honestly, who gives a fig what these people think of you? Yes, they are DHs family but if they can not accept you then he needs to find a new tribe. They will always be family but he chooses how close he wants to be with them.

Now, you and he might work this out. Lots of couples go through really rough times and in the end they make it through together to the other side.
If you do happen to be one of those couples, please don’t back down in the spirit of taking the high road or being the better person.
They have shown you who they are and if they can not come to you and ask you to help them understand what life is like for you as an SM, then let them go.

It seems to me that you are a wonderful person. You stepped up and took over the care of a child who is not yours and did so to the best of your ability - that is called selfless not selfish. These people should be applauding you.

DH discussed your private life with those outside the relationship, whether friend or family is not appropriate, gives an unfair view and invites opinions. Then, as families do they stuck up for him which he relayed to you. You must feel betrayed and ganged up on by them all as though maybe this is how they were feeling the whole time. The way I see it you have gone above and beyond the call, I don't think I could do what you did, so hold your head up high.

WEll you where not far off about your statements and it was not harsh at all,

good riddance to bad rubbish JustMe , go out and enjoy your life, in a couple off years when this kid is a drug addict, stealing from his own family and end up in jail, they will say... she was so spot on why did we not listen... but too little too late, might not even take years, might be weeks lol, when they have to deal with the crap..