Crying
Im crying again, I have lost count of the times I have cried since I moved in with bf and sd, anger, misery, helplessness you name it I've cried about it, Im not a crier either believe it or not, I've tried my best and put more effort in that a lot of people would have, at what point will I admit to myself that things are not going to get better? Just as his parenting improves it starts to slip again, sd6 is like a dictator, bf just kow tows to her, I know Im rambling but I need to, Im going to try one last time tonight, for my health I have to try to change things for the better or move out, I have to take the advice I give to others, I've got an incurable illness I don't need this stress, I can't handle things like I used too, yes I love my bf a lot, I would'nt still be here if I did'nt, Im starting to consider disengaging I know bf will hate that, I always have to be the parent, its like he's scared that she won't love him anymore if he disciplines her or even says no. I really need some advice and support.
Sounds like you are the only
Sounds like you are the only one who cares
Thank you for that, the thing
Thank you for that, the thing is at first it was hell, I put down some ground rules and told him that things had to change and they did, things were so much better, now things are sliding again I will give him one more opportunity to address things, I love that little girl and she loves me, so I want to help her all the more, her bm is slapdash and seems to worry about her loins more than sd, she is allowed to run around the streets by herself when shes with Mum, thats happened since she was four! You are right I can't change him, but I have a right to change how Im treated in the home, its my home too! Thanks again bluebelle
I do worry about her future,
I do worry about her future, her family let her run wild, I truly care about her, but she needs proper parenting, all kids deserve that.
I agree with you, being
I agree with you, being raised to be a decent member of society is important from the start. I do not know very many parents who do not indulge their kids at some point but the spoiling, nay, ruining, of kids is totally wrong in my opinion.
There are some kids who are beyond help though, and I attribute that to the insanity of their mothers and the lack of proper parenting by the fathers.
I hope this does not scare you too much but these are things we've lived through.
For instance, we have twins, boy and girl, who are now 18. They were 10 when I met them.
Their mother, by her own admission, has done some 'horrible' things.
The SKids have both been arrested, SD more often, and through the juvenile justice system and the only consequences they have really had are the ones being given them by a judge.
I tried, I gave consequences, grounded them, took away privelages but I was EVIL! They tittle tattled back to daddy and I was just plain wasting my time and energy. It was causing huge fights between DH and I and the little brats were lapping it all up, encouraged by BM to cause me as much grief as possible. Yeah, it sucked!
Finally a juvenile judge ordered evaluations and family therapy, before awarding us legal custoyd of SD, who was incarcerated more than she was at liberty! BM abandoned both the SKids to us, in favor of her new victi... erm I mean boyfriend. Husband #4 who would also be taken for every cent he owned.
A lady counsellor and I had an interesting conversation, love that lady! She asked me some questions and made me see things through a totally different lens. For instance she asked me what difference would it make if stopped wasting my time and energy on the kids? I love them more than they'll ever know or deserve but I am not their bio parent. I also stopped letting the kids push buttons with me, miraculous changes!
After one more time of the kids saying ''you are not my mom and I do not have to do anything you say'' I quit being their parent! I referred them to their daddy at every turn, they wanted me to do the running around that a mom does? NO CHANCE buddy, ask your dad! You want money kiddo? Ask your dad! You want me to ride to collect and babysit your friends staying over?? Ask dad!...and so on. Daddy pretty soon got sick of it all and realized what I actually did for them and he instigated some tough love. I decided to pick my battles, only if they stepped over the line of respect with me did I mention anything to DH. Life was sweeter for me after that!
I really do get a parent defending their kids to others, I would do it with my own too. I have three of my own who are adults now and I raised them on my own so I understand the comments that parenting with two is not what I am used to, I accept I made a couple of errors with SKIDS, the most important one, in my belief, was my delusion in believing the plausible stories I heard from SKIDS. They are born liars, tarred with the same brush as their mother! SD has borderline personality disorder, diagnosed before she became 18 which is unusual. She committed a felony as a juvenile and got a two year sentence! Drug court was offered her as an alternative and she failed that so had to complete her sentence in a secure facility. She's now dancing and turning tricks, still doing drugs and had better NOT come near our house. We had a scare once before when she cut off a tracking bracelet, ran away from her mother and was hiding out with drug dealers. We had to pick her up from the place, bring her home, let her sleep one night and we were out of town next day on a job site so we had to take her with us, huge risk on our part, however the juvenile judge fully understood our position. While we were out of town, SD joined was at the hip with us The house she left was raided by the police, they found drugs and weapons and the people were arrested. They believed that SD was back in juvenile custody and had ratted them out, they were literally GUNNING for her! I got a call on my cell phone from one of the people involved, SD had been using my cell phone (big no no) and the guy wanted to clue SD in. I told him that I am her step mother and that this was my personal phone and he should speak directly with her father, DH was driving and he pulled over to talk to the guy. DH assured the guy that SD only just that morning went back into custody and was with us the entire time after we picked her up. The hunt was called off but we came so close to being the victims of a drive by shooting. It seriously would not have taken these people long to find out where we live! I still do not know for sure if SD did, or did not, use my phone to call the police on these people out of some revenge motive or other, she's so sneaky and underhanded.
The reason I am teling you this story is that I hope you let your husband read it, assure him that this is extreme but true, also that it started fairly innocently by not dealing effectively with bad behaviors when SD was a child. Ask him to take a look around at juvenile delinquent statistics, ask him if he wants his daughter stripping or dancing or doing drugs? It's breaking DH's heart right now but he knows he is part way to blame and he has to live with himself.
BM really does not give a s#!t and blames DH and I all the way down the line. I know that DH is a good man, a good father in every other way and a good provider. I also know that the SKids are sociopaths, just like their mother. I got caught up in it all and almost lost my sense of self but just by disengaging I saved myself from going down the road so many step parents have walked. It sounds harsh and cruel but the reality is that they are NOT my kids and any acts of kindness are done if I feel kindly disposed towards them. I love them both, I stayed on good terms with them but I am NOT their scapegoat. I am not responsible for what they do iether!
Good luck my friend.
Thank you for the reply and
Thank you for the reply and its so true, the trouble is mine and bf's standards are very different, I believe in teaching manners and respect, he just wants to be "fun" Dad, now sd is very strong minded and bossy, he just lets her get away with disrespect all the time, well I've had enough, Im going to lay the law down tonight.
Thank you I appreciate that,
Thank you I appreciate that, Im prepared to be a Mother figure to SD6 and that is what she wants, but I see the "Guilt Parenting" from Daddy and it makes me crazy, I think I need to relax a bit though, its not doing my health any good I know that, I still don't know if Im going to stay, we are having a talk tonight, then we shall see.
I did not want to bog down
I did not want to bog down the blog iether. I put that one, of many incidents, it in a nutshell as well as I could! I had to take care of ME, ultimately, and preserve my own sanity.
That sounds familiar, Im the
That sounds familiar, Im the parent and he's the fun person.
I read that you have just
I read that you have just been diagnosed with an incurable illness, may I ask what? I cannot even begin to imagine the shock to your state of mind and I urge you to put YOURSELF first until you have wrapped your head around what you have and how best to deal with it.
Have a frank, honest, chat with him and let him know that you really do have to consider numero uno for a while. I am sure he does not want you to be ill, I bet SKid doesn't iether. You said that he is capable of being a good parent, urge him to follow through until you feel more comfortable with what's going on with you. I dunno, something along the lines of 'can you please make sure that SD does (insert positive action) well in school, or brushes her teeth, or whatever issues she needs to improve on. Let him know that you need some time out and you'll be back supporting him as a parent soon, but in the meanwhile you'd appreciate his commitment and dedication to this little girl who you both love very much. They might surprise you!!
I've been ill for sometime, I
I've been ill for sometime, I have good days and bad days, bad days mean I can't even stand up, I am just actually asking bf to teach his daughter some respect and some manners thats all, I try but it gets tiring being the only parent, we are having an in depth talk tonight so I will blog whats happening.
Being ill can compound any
Being ill can compound any bad feelings. Sometimes 'the last straw' can be something really trivial but it's the last straw nontheless. Again, I urge you to take care of YOURSELF on good and bad days! Figure out what you want to be able to do and how you can go about it, regardless of them! It's horrible to see a child go that way but if there's nothing you can do to stop it, and you've tried all you know to try, then what more can you do?
Janey - I can completely
Janey - I can completely empathize with you. I live with my BF and his four children and my emotions are on the largest roller coaster in the world. There are WONDERFUL days and then there are days where I want to crawl in bed and lock all of them out. If your days crying outweigh your days of happiness, then you definitely need to make a decision for you and only you. Not for the SD and not for the BF.
I have learned that my BF will never change. He is an amazing father, but we don't always agree on things...Letting the 9 year old stay up until 11:00 on school nights - letting him watch PG13 movies - letting the 12 year old roam the neighborhood after dark...but we agree on the fundamental things. Morals, manners, whining, sports, school, etc. You will have differences with EVERYONE on parenting and that is okay. You just need to decide if the differences are too great for you to handle.
Best of Luck to you.