When you figure it out...let me know. I think it takes a really strong person to do it, and you have to have a great support system - I have neither, and I'm stuck.

Do not let adult steps live with you --ESPECIALLY IF THEY ARE HOSTILE towards you, even if it is not clearly visible to your DH.

Things escalate with these self-centered narcs. They will try to tear your relationship apart, and they can do it with such little ease...you know "blood is thicker than water"?

Keep your emotional distance. Don't go overboard with gifts to try and get them to like you. They see that as being weak, and they treat you even shittier because they think they can be bullies to a 'weak' individual. It's such sadistic fun for them. You will lose your mind and your sanity, and possibly your marriage. Treat them you would any stranger --it takes awhile to get to know someone and trust them. Don't jump in wagging your tail and panting expecting the welcome wagon. You'll be wounded every time.

Always, always, always keep them at arms length. Never reveal your weaknesses and vulnerabilities. They eat that shit up and spit you out for breakfast.

You are marrying their father, you are not marrying them. They are not your children, they are your husband's children ---get that mindset NOW. You are not a blended family, you will not be a blended family, you will be a mixed family --if they even 'allow' that status.

"...he hangs up the phone with all the color from his face drained) and doesn't tell you what they talk about to make him so visibly unhappy?

These two "adults", especially the SD, have an iron-grip hold on your fiance, especially emotionally. The fact he won't tell you what they discuss shows that the SD is expecting him to be "loyal" to her and her concerns and not talk about issues with you.
That's pure bullcrap.

"Hinting" that he'd like his son to move in means that he has already discusssed this with his son, and your DH has probably already agreed to it. He's just waiting for the right time to break the news to you. So where are you, your dependent children, and your needs/desires in his ultimate priority list? Answer: You're not. His "kids" are. Always will be.

I would be very concerned about your future - especially for your two minor children. I would advise getting some couple counselling before you decide to get married. You need to hash this stuff out COMPLETELY before you make a full, legal committment to this man.

I agree with all the above posters. The dinner is a brilliant idea, with plenty of company, there is no need to be so extreme as to ban social visits at this stage. As for the son, I agree with the poster who has suggested he has probably already offered to house him. The "hinting" is not good. Things have to be out in the open. Equally, "out in the open" does not have to mean that you hear the daughter's crappy words. I agree that it is best you not. For the marriage to work, FDH has to realise that that is not to be shared if it is just her venting. However I would say that in addition to couple counselling or planning between you the boundaries as to what the intentions of each of you are as regards extended family, it might be worth suggesting he enter into solo counselling first in order to deal with his guilt etc feelings or whatever feelings the daughter's calls are triggering for him. He can then vent safely in your absence and come in a matured state of mind to the couple counselling/arrangements.

FDH should be stopping SD from spewing her hatred and negativity in the first place-boundaries! She can feel any way she chooses but he should not be giving audience to those feelings. Let her tell a friend how awful she thinks you are. FDH needs some loyalty to you-by stopping her and refusing to listen. This is one instance when hanging up is appropriate if she won't stop talking $hit about you.

I married H with 2 adult steps. I did not disengage for 5 years and instead tried to please them, SDIL and MIL. I really, really regret it.

The only way I can describe disengagement is to give his kids the same amount of consideration you would a stranger (polite, kind, & agape love (for Christians) but don't try to be close unless warrented). In other words, just b/c they are his kids, don't treat them differently than anyone else you hardly know. Don't try to bring the family together. View his kids as his responsibility to relate to not yours. Don't let them treat you without dignity.

The moms that seem to do the best are the one's with no expectations to begin with. No desire to relate to the the skids unless there is some special connection (like to any other person they don't know). When the ground is level like this, you have a healthy start to possible relationship if it works out. If you do otherwise (try to please), they will likely sense your need to please and despise you for it. This can also lead to bitterness for you.

My 21 yr old SD moved in a few months after we were married and it was pretty bad. H. did not treat her like any other adult who was irresponsible. Everything was minimized while I had a irresponsible adult stranger in my home I was cleaning, cooking and buying groceries for. It was a real recipe for resentment.

The hardest part is, if it's a true stranger your H. would kick them out and be indignant. Because it's his child, he turns a blind eye and you get the feeling everyone thinks it's your fault. That's because people tend to project their negative feelings at stepmom. Very fun indeed.

I think your first responsibility is to your children. I don't feel you could possibly know this young adult man well enough to have him living with your kids.

I think the sadness is understandable because for my DH anyway, a part of them when they fall in love again and are so happy so soon after a failed marriage, wants to use the new marriage to make it OK for the kids. It's also immature though because it shows they don't really want to face up to the consequences as a parent of being part of a broken marriage, the fact that by taking the step of divorce you do break your children's hearts. It's terribly easy to want out of the pain arising from that and to try to buffer the whole family using the SM as a human pillowcase. Well done you for setting out your boundaries so clearly for at least now he sees that, if he tries that, he will not have any unwitting collusion from the other adult but will continue to need to adjust the expectations of the children alone (or even as an ex-marriage parenting team with the ex-wife). This looks a really fantastic solution, I wish you all the best with the endeavour!

Hi everyone,

This is my first time posting here. I am married with 2 teenage kids of my own and 3 step kids
(16,20,22). I love my husband dearly but i'd like to say to the original poster that if i had known the amount of discomfort and stress my relationship with the skids would generate, the kind of fights we would have as a couple, i would have waited for a childless guy to come along. You must be thinking, i am going to be different, i am going to set my own boundaries - and so was i. Now i feel stuck and sad.

My situation is made worse by the fact that my ( sweet and wonderful) husband does not have a normal father-children relationship with his kids; they have been brainwashed by their mother to despise him, kick him when he is down, and pretty much bleed him dry. They are poster children for Parental Alienation - i felt like giving them Amy Baker's book for Xmas. He says he feels like he is on trial every time he speaks to them. No wonder: they have had 20 or so years of heavy-duty brain-washing. His ex came out as gay 2 months after she kicked him out of the house ( after telling him and anyone else who would listen - for years - that he is an awful husband and father; i think he believed it). So i waltzed into this cauldron of dysfunction and without understanding all the details decided that i was going to make it all better. Ha!

My question now is: after you disengage, do you ever engage again? My therapist says, if you react to them not the way you typically react to normal people it would mean you are allowing them to change who you are, your true nature. So if i am hospitable, i should not give up being hospitable, cooking for them, etc. but according to her i should expect nothing in return ( which is pretty much the case - i get very little in return). So she believes the usual, you can only change yourself stuff: change your expectations and be fine with getting nothing from them.

Does it ever get better? The oldest SD is about to start a grad program in mental health. I wonder if she is going to recognize the dysfunction that she grew up with a little better or see her own narcissistic personality for what it is.

Her going to grad school instead of to work to pay off her growing ( at 8% a year) loans that DH took out for her 5 years ago is another source of stress. Has anyone dealt with that? His credit history is going to be ruined by all the debt they have collectively piled on him, but he continues to enable her. And I am the bad guy for wanting her to take the responsibility and work instead of doing what she wants - to have fun in school ( she is a star student).

Do you have to get married though? I am wondering if you can all be together without making it legal on the chance DH is just placating you now? Sometimes I've seen DHs try to behave so nicely about all this but then when you are married, the motivation to keep you happy dips significantly and you may hear things like "they are my family too-you are asking me to turn my back on my family" (unspoken-what kind of woman would ask that?) My DH hasn't said these words to me because he is not a direct person but the meaning has been there loud and clear.

Do not ever think that you are going to have a wonderful relationship with these children, adult or not, then, if ever it runs smooth, be grateful. I raised two sets of stepkids whose mothers had just handed them over to their fathers to raise, no doubt in hopes of it destroying their ex's new marriages. The children were fine until they became adults and then it was just dad invited over and I could not have anything or even see grandchildren. Just make sure your husband makes his kids respect you. If he does not, you're in trouble. I don't even have anything to do with mine and I am much happier that way. I wish you the best.