You are here

How do you deal with the jealous/comparisons?

GodHelpME's picture

Submitted by GodHelpME on Sun, 04/22/2012 - 8:57am

Forums: 
General Discussion

So my SD12 compares herself to my BS9. She's said I love him more (which I have never denied). Sometimes I think she wants me to be her mom, which I repeatedly proclaim, "I'm not your mom!" I know it may sound horrible but I chose to have one child for a reason. SD and her mom have a rocky relationship. That's not my fault and I've finally learned not to get involved. I'm so much happier for it. I just don't want there to be a wedge between the children.

How can you explain to a pre-teen/teen that things ARE different because you have different moms?

:?

PS Why does everyone expect the SM to love all the kids equally even the ones that aren't ours?? The kids aren't expected to love the stepmom the same as the biomom, so what gives?

FeuilleMorte's picture

Submitted by FeuilleMorte on Sun, 04/22/2012 - 10:06am

You can't control how you feel, but you can control how you act. Obviously the SD is starved for affection and a mother figure. Avoid comparisons, but it wouldn't kill you to treat her in a kind and loving way.

GodHelpME's picture

Submitted by GodHelpME on Sun, 04/22/2012 - 10:38am

I am kind and loving thanx. But I also make sure she follows the rules her parents setup for her so there are no issues between houses. We have different parenting styles, not better or worse just different.

Invisible Woman's picture

Submitted by Invisible Woman on Sun, 04/22/2012 - 2:24pm

I've wondered the same with my SS(11) which I've never bonded with and don't feel any affection for. My biokids are almost 3 1/2 and 9 mos and of course I related to them differently because they're my kids and they're younger. I have to do more for them and they have to take up a lot of my time.

SS probably feels jealous. It's natural for even siblings. DD was jealous when DS was born. But I love each of them equally and with my SS that's no true and I can't treat them all equally since they're at such different ages.

my.kids.mom's picture

Submitted by my.kids.mom on Mon, 04/23/2012 - 7:34am

You are in a tough situation, because you already know you can't win. Adults understand the difference between skids and bios, and even if you *could* explain it to a skid, he/she will never get it. I know how you feel. Except when I had a sd she would NEVER open her mouth and express ANYTHING. So I didn't have to account for my feelings. I can't fake well, either, so I just did the best I could. Be friendly, be nice, be rational, listen to her problems, and offer advice. Don't flaunt how you feel about your son in front of her. And do things that they can do together and bond over. Although, I have to say those are tough ages to work with. There is even a HUGE difference between 10/11 and 12. So much happens during that age and it's a different world the 9 yr old hasn't stepped into yet. But I bet you can find something they both are interested in. Good luck!