I'm sorry? $4700? Who does that? He must be a millionaire? Really?

You have been together for 6 effing years and this is just now happening? I've been around for 5- girls were 2 and 4 when we met...the younger one never went through that gross "daddy, daddy hanging all over him stage" like the older one did...she started that at about a year we'd been together...I think it lasted for about a year - then he got so sick of it and thought it was gross - he had to actually tell her she was NOT his wife...I kinda sorta was - and we have very different relationships...has he ever said NO to her? And what happens if HE does?

I am not surprised your username is tired. After reading your post I felt like I needed to lie down in a darkened room. I also have a DH who pays an obscene amount of CS - about the same as your DH, but in our case it is for 2 spoiled teenagers.
I would suggest that you look at disengaging. It is what a lot of us have done who have DH's who will not discipline, or who are Disney Dads.
Info on this at: http://www.steptogether.org/disengaging.html
Good luck!

Don't medicate yourself to deal with this. Ask DH to sort out a parenting class. Have a read of Stepmonster, and find him some books on drawing some behavioral boundaries as a parent. Practically speaking, do some clear quick actions for starters, like: hide your Ipad, go out with friends when she is visiting, DO NOT COOK a thing when she is there, do not clean her room and if daddy won't, insist he gets a cleaner and pays for it, keep her away from your dog, if you go out to movies and restaurants at all with them (which sounds too boring, I wouldn't do it) then insist in advance to DH that he sits beside you, and apart from reporting to BM and DH that she does not use soap in the bath, then don't worry about it any further unless and until the child smells. Take each problem and find a practical solution because at the moment, it sounds to me like your back is to the wall and you have a big pile of crap in front of you. Treat it like a pile of dirty washing and dismantle it one item at a time. Please don't take medication unless you are sick. Here, the situation is sick and you need to keep your wits about you.

I feel for you.I can also relate to the suck up voice that Dadddddyyy is the best in the world, lol.
But what's wrong with that guy that he doesn't say no ever to her and where is your emotional space in all this??Yes, verucas dad was doing that, too.

I was going to ask why you stay with the him, but

Well he must have enough money to make this bearable. But when does the financial compensation become less important than your respect for your FDH? See to me I will not sell my soul for anyone. Not for money, not for love. And having my respect is important in my relationship with my DH. Of course a healthy income works as well but being a spineless wonder really doesn't cut it.

I would start with locking your iPad in your trunk when you go out. She will up the ante and attempt to do something evil to your cosmetics and bath products so I would make those a little more secure as well. Then I would disengage whenever she is around. LEt her occupy the entire weekend with DDAAADDDYYY. When he asks if you want to join him just say "Well no thank you. I have other plans." And walk away smiling and humming to yourself.
When the mini-wife makes some crappy comment you just ignore her. Don't let her 10 yr old opinions matter one buit because she is a reflection of her parenting.. Still in love with the guy?

He allows her to be rude.
He allows her to manopolise all your weekend.
He allows her to destroy or damage your property.

Personally I would find him extremely unbattractive and he would never share my body until he got his act together and became a father and not a BFF.

ugh, she sounds a lot like sd19 was when she was 12 and fdh were new to each other. she did the hanging on him thing, too. she would more or less leap on him and throw her arms around him and say "i love you, daddy!" then she would whip her head in my direction so hard that i don't know how she didn't get whiplash, just to make sure i noticed. i never even looked. i just saw it out of the corner of my eye. i wasn't going to give her what she wanted.

she never deleted any of my pictures, but she was constantly asking fdh if she could use my camera, which he let her. i don't know why I was never asked, but i wasn't. it just wouldn't be where it was supposed to be if i wanted it. i came unglued when i was looking for it the day of my baby cousin's hs graduation and couldn't find it. i eventually found it hidden in her room. that was the LAST time she EVER touched my camera. she was using it to take pictures of herself in 3 inches of MY make up and her bra stuffed, laying on my exercise ball in a very trashy position to post on her myspace page. :sick:

she also did the panicked "where's my dad???" every time he left her field of vision. i got so sick of hearing that hundreds of times a day when he was here. if he would be in the bathroom, she would stand outside of it and say "dad? are you pooping?" :O

same thing with food, too. if fdh made something, it was always gushed over and she would tell him how "amazing" it was. if i made it, she didn't like it, no matter what it was.

she is now 19 and on her own. i hardly ever see her. so freaking grateful for that.

I wholeheartedly agree with SA. And, if he learns to discipline her and adjusts the relationship, make sure you are both clear that this is his decision and that the relationship between them is built on that. Watch to see how the relationship develops and be sure that any changes are not being attributed to you and causing resentment against you -- or that if they are, DH keeps regularly giving SD a reality check. The situation I am dealing with now with an adult mini-wife is that, she stormed out of our home during her teens because of some limits laid down by me -- and never came back. I was fine with the disengagement but did not predict the trouble it would lay up. Thus the guilt driving DH's relationship with her was put on hold, and now that she has re-emerged into his life I am being asked to pay back for all that guilt triple fold and in arrears. Oh and I can relate to you on the $ front. I too have been a big earner, bigger in the last years than DH -- although in my business there are lean and fat years so I have experience of a rich and poor life -- and, for SMs who earn, you would not believe how embittering it can become to hear the older SK assert she is entitled to the proceeds of YOUR hard work. Well at least this solves the housework aspect of your situation Make sure they know the maid is the maid not you.

Have just started visiting this whole forum and at least now don't feel so crazy for the feelings I've had regarding stepkids. At least I know I am not alone! As far as SD is concerned, the mini-wives term is an interesting one, as it defines a behavior for me that I couldn't quite find the word for before. I used to say to my sister that SD treats DH like her boyfriend. But it really goes beyond that. She was always the alpha female in the house and with that was given too much power. She basically ruled the roost and beside being materially indulged, was also allowed to make decisions that were far beyond her age and maturity level. So why would she want to give that up? Power like that for a child is like a drug and Daddy is the dealer. They will continue to demand more and more because their need for attention and to see how high they can get Daddy to jump becomes an insatiable need. He creates the junkie because it brings him endless adoration, which is a powerful drug for him. It's the type of adoration that he probably could never expect to get from any mature adult woman. So it is a very codependent type of relationship, that I have not seen any signs of stopping.

That being said, my SD got so out of control, putting naked photos of herself on the internet, stealing, cheating in school, etc, that finally she was sent to live with relative where DH thought she'd be exposed to better friends. God forbid he would have ever set any limits for her. He will just not say NO to this girl ever! So for four years he's been flying to visit every other month and she comes here for holidays. If she hadn't moved to her aunt's when she was 13 I can assure you we'd be divorced. But I do have to say, when she's back here for visits(she's almost 18 now) the behavior still goes on. Her basic personality certainly wasn't going to change with just a change of location. And believe me, after all the trouble she's gotten in, Daddy still lets her do anything she wants and caves to every demand. Especially now that she almost 18. So it's truly party time when she comes for a visit.

I too make a very decent salary from my own business, so could leave this relationship at any time. What keeps me here is 1. I'm still so extremely exhausted from the toll this whole stepparenting thing has taken on me that I don't have the energy to move. 2. My DH is actually one of the nicest guys you could ever know. So now that we are finally here alone (his kids used to live here full time) we get along great. Though at this point it is more like roommates, as I really don't feel the same way toward him anymore, due to this endless issue with the SD.

Everything goes along nicely, and then she shows up for a visit and I get to see the whole dysfunctional, creepy interplay begin once again. She doesn't date, yet dresses like a hooker. She says she only wants a guy that is just like Daddy as he is the most exciting man she's ever met.

NOTE TO SELF- Get some of those airplane sick sacks and keep them handy for these enlightening moments.

When she walks past him she has to either rub her hand across his chest or run her fingers through his hair. When sitting next to him she rubs his leg. When she was living here I actually walked into the BR and saw her kissing him goodnight by kissing his inner thigh! He was laying on the bed watching television in a pair of khaki shorts. She couldn't kiss him on the cheek, she chose to kiss him there instead. She was 11 at the time. These type of incidents go on and on. And she hates me of course and I don't see any signs of that ever changing. One therapist told me it was an "elecktra complex". Whatever.

Have spoken to DH about it a few times and he agrees she is overly obsessed with him, but he does not stop the behavior. It's gone on so long now, he either enjoys it or is too embarrassed to confront her on it. One thing I did realize finally is my husband is very good at saying things he thinks I want to hear, then doing exactly as he pleases when it comes to her. These mini-wives have a hold on these Dads that is like nothing I've ever seen. So I'm sorry to tell you, don't be surprised if it doesn't end. Perhaps I'll get the energy back to move someday. Right now I'm planning on going away next holiday she visits. She'll be so happy to have her Daddyhusband all to herself.

Oh yes. There's no doubt everyone accumulates baggage through their life. It's just that some people carry suitcases that are bigger and heavier than others:) And the baggage you're familiar with now is often better to deal with than taking a chance with someone else's that could be worse!! Just like every decision in life, you have to look at the pros and cons to come to the decision of staying vs leaving. If the bad starts to outweigh the good, then you've answered your question!

Hi,new to site. Just to say I've printed off 'StepAside's post,this is the voice I couldn't put into words. I will keep this for sanity reasons. I'm 8 years in now and getting tougher, mini wife is now 17. Been following this blog and today have decided to take back control (only in my life),my self respect after years of trying to fall in with 'mini wife' and not to be emotionally bullied by DH or my SD, worm is turing, stay tuned!!

My husband is pretty much the same way. He is a pathetic mom's boy too, so go figure.
I have two "other" women to deal with, my sd7 and my gross looking MIL.

I love my sd7 though we really bonded the last two years. She is not as halfway as annoying as your step daughter, but she is really getting there.

When my husband ignores my and my son's needs I really resent him. I think I don't have one ounce of love in my heart for him anymore.

Thanks for the link Coconut, freaky, another print out! I think there should be groups set up around every city and town for us victims of 'mini wives' (like AA meetings)! It can feel very isolating.

Not saying a SS is easier than a SD but sometimes I'm glad skid is a boy because I think if I had to put up with a little biatch competing for DH I'd go even more insane than a vindictive boy..
Either situation is shit!!!

It is even sicker when mini wife is 18 and demanding wife be put in second place. It does happen.

o