Am i being unreasonable
Am i being unreasonable??? I have read so many other peoples issues and situations on here and mine seems so petty in comparison. However i am still feeling alone and unheard. My partners ex calls all the shots, we get the kids (2 teenagers), then we dont, there are set days but they are often changed around all when she says so, my and partner and i have argued about this over and over he swears things are going to change but i need to be more flexible, so if im to be more flexible then is that the changes he is talking about??? One day he says he will make sure the set days are stuck to and if there are any changes he will speak to me first and if i am not happy with them then they wont go ahead, Fine!!! but not so and when im upset cos he didnt stick to his word i am then being unreasonable. This happens with money issues also. I guess im just not sure where i fit in, i understand that the kids are theirs but i live here too we are a couple and engaged so shouldnt i have a say also at least some input? It is getting to where i am wondering if he still has feelings for his ex, cos she gets far more consideration than i do, he would and does rather hurt upset and/or disappoint me than her or the kids, im tired of it. I read a comment on someone else's post about couples putting each other first, even before the kids, kids first when it comes to basic needs, health and safety, but each other first in every other way. I think it is great advice, when we first got together my kids were at home and teenagers, there were problems but i put us first just like teenagers put themselves first, it had to be fair and balanced, now my kids are grown and out of the house it all seems different, i always considered him his wants and needs and i still disguss anything and everything about my kids with him and I dont go ahead with anything if he is not comfortable, i dont always like it but i respect his feelings, i think you have to but i am not getting it in return, only apologies and empty promises whenever he stuffs up, until the next time. HELP!!!!!
What does the CO say about
What does the CO say about visits?
No CO just an agreement
No CO just an agreement between them, every second weekend.
Thank you so very much. I
Thank you so very much. I know all too well the words "you cant change anyone else you can only change yourself or the situation" I have said these words to others many many times. I dont want to change him i would however like him to see what this is doing to us and hear my pain and want to make the changes needed himself, but as someone mentioned im the easier one to let down upset disappoint, cos im not going anywhere. You know i keep hearing these words of late over and over in my head, "everyone is someones fool" he is hers and his kids and unfortunately i am his. But i know i am for as long as i allow myself to be. I really want to make more changes i have started i go out on the Saturday night when the kids are here, i dont cook or tidy up after them, i do clean before they come of course but i stopped doing for when i wasnt being respected. He is not happy with this but he still wont or cant make any real change to consider my wishes or include me in discussions and/or respect me when i am not comfortable with any change made. I am thinking about removing myself altogether while his kids are here, (his kids are great boy a bit cheeky but nothing i cant handle)it's not the kids at all it's all about me not feeling apart of it all. I am not certain i will be able to live this way as I am very much a boots and all type of person, if i am in a relationship it's about sharing our lives, every aspect of it. I have told him no more do i want to hear about how "she" pisses him off or anything about anything but now im affraid i wont know about anything at all. Im not sure im cut out for all this.
After his promises last time
After his promises last time and allowing changes yet again this weekend we are now hardly speaking and i am unable to sleep beside him, i either stay up all night or sleep in the other room. I am really not happy i was a fool for 20 years stayed with a man who promised all sorts but went back on them and swore i would never do that again, i always thought i stayed in my marriage for the kids, but my partner now and i dont have kids together and mine are grown and out of the house, i just cant believe i find myself here again. He is kind and caring, affectionate and considerate in every other aspect of our lives but when it comes to his ex and/or his kids it's almost like i dont exist. I feel wrong about asking him if he would/could be able to put me/us first before his kids, i just want to be considered some of the time. He said "what difference does it make to you if they are here or not?" I didnt know what to say, other than "well i could walk around naked if i wanted" lame i know but i didnt know what to say, i guess i just think i live here too and have the right to know whats going on and when.
You have every right to know
You have every right to know and have a part in the comings and goings in your own home. Life with SKIDs and ex's are definitely not easy. But without some kind of standard agreement must make it a 100 times worse! There's got to be some way to get something more set in stone as to visitation. DH has to realize that the two of your lives are not what they could be if there was more structure where the SKIDs are concerned.
Thank you stepmomma i do
Thank you stepmomma i do understand what everyone is saying cos i cant change him he has to want to do it for his own reasons, cos honestly he is not happy about the changes either he complains constantly, it's only when i complain he suddenly find reasons and excuses for what has gone on. Also i am very outspoken about my needs i just didnt know my place here with the kids issue but you have all helped me to see that i should be put first or at the very least considered, i now have the confidence to put this forward so thank you all so very very much.
Thank you all so very much i
Thank you all so very much i feel a lot better now. I will with confidence be speaking with him when he wakes up, (shits me how he can sleep like a baby without a care and i cant) I will be telling him not asking how it need to be and i will also add that if i am let down yet again and not put first i will be leaving, cos i have lived a pretty much unhappy life i was a mum before i was an adult and was with a dreadful man for over 20 years for my kids sake, i am not about to continue on that path, i want a happy life and i am most of the time with my partner but like i said when it comes to his ex or his kids i am last place, well that just doesnt suit me so if it is not something he is willing to or is unable to change i have to end it cos there is no room not even a corner in my life for ever again being ignore or disrespected. I am certain he will jump at the chance to be back in my arms and agree to it all, but the true test will come whenever there is a change and i dont agree, it's not like i carry on every time i dont, but whenever i have had an issue it just didnt matter, well i matter and he has to show me that or im gone. Thank you again all so very much.
stepmomma its funny you say
stepmomma its funny you say that cos thats what he calls me "his Queen" and dotes on me most of the time, but im feeling more and more like cindarella fed bullshit and ignored and then the evil step mother whenever i speak my mind.
you are not asking for too
you are not asking for too much. Don't be a me.... years down the road and broken engagement and skids and BM controlling your life. Feeling entitled to all your money and calling whenever its convienent for them for you to take the kids. Ours lives 6hrs away and she won't ever answer us but when she wants free time she calls the DAY she wants him to drive down there. Like we don't have WORK or lives.....
Don't be me.....
Thank you so much for posting
Thank you so much for posting this! Very similar issues to why I came searching for help today and your post and the answers have made me realise that I AM NOT being unreasonable, selfish or "too needy"!
I dnt think ur problerms are
I dnt think ur problerms are trivia. The hole fact tht an ex and ther kids have the right over how you lead your life has a greatly bad effect on your mind. I have been going thru it for 6yrs. It the fact tht u dnt have a say in ur life and ur fellas relationship with you. For an adult to be controled by an outside influence other than those tht care about you well I feel for you. But like you have just sed. Dnt ask for what you want TELL. I did 6 weeks ago wen my SD21 used the same head game oh im leaving cus she was found out on another lie tht she had made up over me or my S15. HA well now this house tht I moved into 3 months ago is mine and like I have told my husband. SD21 will nevr be living under my roof again. After enuf proof to sink a submarine tht I have kept quiet for missiles hubby has now seen the proof of what his SD mum and sister have been upto to cause arguments between him and me and make him dislike my son. He has now woke up smelt the coffee and the kick between his legs and realised tht wot he has with me is worth allowing his D21 to go and live with gran.
Stand your ground dnt let ur life be ruled because like you i lay awake all night listening to him snore. every snore he let out I grabbed hold off and kept it as strngth to do what I want in life and if you wanna be ther then these r the rules...set the rules get your life back to being controled by you and those tht love you.