Step daugther
Hi all
I'm new to the site and I think it's really great that there is a forum online for people to discuss issues they are having with step kids etc. I have found that none of my friends/family locally really understand my situation and it's good to have a site like this where you can talk to people who have similar issues.
I just married a man who has a child from a previous relationship. I got married because I love him however there are a lot of issues in the relationship because of his 12 year old daugther from a previous relationship.
She has always lived with her dad because her mother is a manic depressant, schitzophrenic and alcoholic.
We all lived together for over a year (myself, my now husband and step child) before we got married. At first her dad did every tiny little thing for her including turning the shower tap on and off (for a then 10 year old) and pretty much every tiny little thing, over compensating for there being no mother obviously. I have managed to make some positive changes and the child is a lot more independent now.
The childs grandparents refuse to do anything to help our relationship so they will have the child to help with my husbands job but they will not look after the child so that we can have time together. My parents have been very good and helpful and have had the child so that we can have some time alone together.
I guess my biggest concern is that the child is starting to show a lot of signs of being like her mother. She is lazy, ungrateful, hyperactive...the list goes on. She gets into dark moods for absolutely no reason and people don't know how to handle her. She is a very difficult child.
I suspect she may have ADHD or aspergers. She has a lot of social and behavioural issues and no resilience whatsoever.
I am 29 years old and have no kids of my own. I don't feel like I have the resources to handle her mental issues heading into her teenage years.
I want my marriage to last but I really don't know what to do with her. I feel like there is nothing I can do to help the situation as much as I want to.
Any ideas?
Glad you found this site, yea
Glad you found this site, yea i thinks its pretty cool here too. l do relate with you on your story. Would like to learn more on where your DH stands with these issues. Do you and your DH have an open & honest relationship? lf you & your DH have a healthy relationship, your SD behavioral issues should not end your marriage. Being a step mom will feel like hell on wheels at times but that is when you & DH need to hang on all the tighter for the ride. My 14 yr old SD too has aspergers..well according to her doctor this year. Only it can be hard to give an accurate diagnoses when dealing with behavioral problems that seem to worsen by the year. So many questions i want to ask yet assure you that you are not alone! Where does her BM stand in her life & does SD talk about BM much? As i hope to hear more from you, i would educate your DH on how girls think & encourage him to treat her like he would if she were a boy. Sorry it may sound weird but it has greatly helped my DH deal with his daughter. lf you don't mind my asking, does your SD have any friends? lf so, are they her age, or by chance younger?
Yes my dh and I have an open
Yes my dh and I have an open and honest relationship. We both know how eachother feels about everything. I'm glad the comminication is good cos if it wasn't the situation would be far worse.
What symptoms of aspergers does your sd have? I would like to hear more about your story too.
Her bm is not in her life at all anymore which I believe is the best for everyone considering what her bm is like. sd does not talk about her bm much anymore, only rarely. I think about her bm a lot though as sd is exactly like her in a lot of ways and looks a lot like her too so I am reminded every day. It's hard not to see her bm every time I look at her.
When you say dh should treat her like a boy could you please give me some examples of what you mean? I think you might be on to something here.
sd has a few friends, only about 4 though as she tends to drive ppl away from her with the way she is. She is very full on, hyperactive, does not give ppl personal space or privacy, interrupts ppl every time they talk, she never stops talking, just babbling random crap ALL THE TIME. the list goes on. Most ppl can't stand her personality and behaviours. Her friends are a little younger than her, about 1 - 3 years younger I would say. However sd seems younger than all of them. She is quite a few years behind in development.
I really appreciate you replying to my post and reassuring me that I am not alone. I would like to hear more about your story and chat to you more.
Thank you so much.
She needs to see a
She needs to see a psychologist but I'm finding it impossible to get a referral for her to see one.
Your sd does sound a lot like mine. Do you mind me asking if she has much to do with her bm?
I'm in Australia and I have
I'm in Australia and I have to get a referral from a gp (dr). I asked my dr who said she wouldn't do it as she didn't have room for more patients. I asked her old dr who said that she had to be displaying these behaviours across all areas of her life to give me a referral, and from what we have heard she isn't too bad at school. So I guess you could say it's just falling through the cracks.
l'm responding with my DH
l'm responding with my DH this time on your post for better accuracy on answering your questions you posed to me. We both feel much relation with your story that we decided to address this together. Ok to answer your first question on our daughter/ my step daughters aspergers symptoms, him & i are not sure we agree with that diagnosis which was made by a social services psychologist. My DH suggests that i share with you that my SD at this time does live with her BM. We feel that this girls BM will accept any given diagnosis if it makes BM's job easier & or does not require any inconvenience on her behalf. So as far as the symptoms that she does have... we see displayed; inappropriate social behavior, obsessiveness over any one thing that may be on her mind, poor motor skill development, & very much so behind in development. How much of this is aspergers, we do not know. Other signs we see; she could not care less of hygiene, a total bitch to everyone, i should say no empathy for anyone, she bangs her head into walls, a big one- will not stop humming, acts like she is maybe two years of age, bitches non stop but so does her BM, physically abusive to all animals & younger children, physically abusive to the elder, steals, beyond lazy, claims any kind of movement hurts- whatever that would be called, refuses to try in school, gym class especially, & the list goes on.
Treat her like a boy. My DH will now type this answer for he will be far better with words than i! DH here, my wife kept kicking my butt for treating my daughter with kid gloves. She told me that girls are crocked in their thinking and that I should just treat her like I treated my son. By this I mean to just lay out the facts and if she starts to cry just tell her this is not something to get emotional about. My daughter was to the point that if she was in trouble she would lay out a sob story, usually not true, to get off the hook. You gotta stick by your guns and say you mean and mean what you say. I found to my surprise that this works.
My sd has all of the same
My sd has all of the same behaviours except that she is not abusive to animals or younger children. She actually loves animals and younger children too much if that's possible to the point of obsessiveness. Actually she is not physically abusive at all. Other than that she sounds the same way as your sd which is why I suspect aspergers. My dad was the first to say it was aspergers and after I looked into it I have to say I agree with him.
DH and I had a serious talk with her tonight about all sorts of things. Homework not being done, interrupting ppl's conversations, the dark moods she gets into for no reason. The list goes on and on. We were on our honeymoon last week and she managed to have a 4 hour tantrum while my parents were looking after her. 4 hours of extreme sooking, whinging, whining, crying and god knows what else over absolutely nothing. She does this all the time. Does your sd do this? She is 12 years old and acts like she is 2.
I understand now what you mean about treating her like a boy. Saying what you mean and meaning what you say. I think for the most part my dh does this. He definitely didn't used to but since I have been in the picture some things have changed.
Thank you so much to you and your dh for replying. I found this very helpful.
Thanks for your comment
Thanks for your comment Starla...I have always suspected that my Sd too has an issue that goes beyond just being spoiled and coddled. She shares many of the behaviors of your SD as well as starbucks. BM has PTSD and bipolar...so who knows. I do know that my DH and his family think that SD is normal and she is just difficult because she is so spoiled. They also think that her behavior is "cute" WTF people...I have 3 children of my own and a SD from a previous relationship and I can tell you that my children did not act anywhere near this way even on their very worst days and I am definately not parent of the year either
It sounds likely that your sd
It sounds likely that your sd also possibly has something like adhd or aspergers. Can you get your dh to agree to look into it further?
unfortunately my DH would
unfortunately my DH would never allow himself to admit that there is anything wrong other than that she is just being "daddy's little girl" :sick:
I think you need to put your
I think you need to put your foot down here. There is no room for improvement if he won't admit that there is anything wrong with her. My dh on the other hand has always known that my sd has issues but has just stuck his head in the sand cos he has not known what to do about it.
I wouldn't say sd goes
I wouldn't say sd goes bonkers when she doesn't see her dad for 30 seconds however it does come out in other ways. She plays up if her dad and I do anything alone together as she feels 'left out'. If we have anyone else looking after her she will have tantrums that last for hours, worse than what a 2 year old would have. Maybe this is her way of showing that she is unhappy not being around dad 24/7. I have no idea how we are still together the shit she has caused our relationship.
Yes she does have melt downs over minor things ALL the time. I find the melt downs too be far worse on weekends when she has more time and energy and less routine. She lives with us all the time and I can normally suffer through the school weekends but weekends and holidays I feel like I'm going to have a mental breakdown.
She seems incapable of remembering anything. She loses things at school frequently and she loses things almost every time she goes anywhere that her dad and I aren't there to remind her to look after her stuff. She never seems to have much awareness of anything. Even what time it is etc. We are trying to get her to get a bus home from school as she goes to school half an hour away. At the moment her dad is driving her to school and back and spending over an hour a day just driving her. It's ridiculous. So I'm trying to get her to get a bus home and you wouldn't believe the issues trying to change one minor thing. A 12 year old who can't catch a bus GOD HELP ME.
She has a few friends but they are younger than her. The scary thing about this is that they are all far more mature than her even though they are younger.
At the moment I'm trying to get a referral to a psychiatrist but I'm finding it really difficult to get a dr to refer her. I live in Australia.
Her grades are average. She seems to get school work done ok when she is made to (in the classroom) but trying to get her to do homework at home is very difficult.
Do you mind me asking how old is your ss? How do you feel his behaviour has impacted on your relationship?
OMG...I can so relate it
OMG...I can so relate it seems like you are describing my SD11 in this comment..I can honestly say that I have never encountered a more difficult situation in my life. I live for the times that she spends the night at a friends or on the rare occurence that she goes to see her mother. I have gotten to a point where I can't take the drama and immaturity when she is being really bad...I just leave the room. Asking the same question 15 times or more in row and whining every word gets on my nerves so bad...
omg, I think you are living
omg, I think you are living the same life as me. Freaky! Well I'm glad I'm not the only one subjected to this BULLSHIT!
My dh actually told my sd
My dh actually told my sd tonight that if she continues with this behaviour that this family won't stay together (I presume meaning that she will drive me away) and that he will never forgive her for it.
I'm not sure if this is the right thing to be saying to a child but I had no idea he was going to say it before he said it. I don't neccessarily agree with this as I think he would let her get away with anything and forgive her for anything. They call it unconditional love I guess. I feel like I'm the only one who can lose here. She will always have her dad and if she keeps acting like this it's very likely that I won't have him. It seems so unfair cos all I have done is tried to help her and work so hard every day to make us work as a family unit and all she does is act like a demon. I really hate how it's always the step parents who are made to look like the bad guys and the step kids are always glorified. I know within myself that I have done the right thing in this situation and she is the one causing all of the issues.
DH of Starla here, I believe
DH of Starla here, I believe that it was not a good idea for your DH to tell SD that she could break up the family, regardless of his unwillingness to forgive her. In doing this he has handed the power over to SD. ADHD and Asperger children have a tendency to only hear and retain parts of things spoken to them. If SD is at all fixated on driving you apart to her the message would be clear that her strategy is working. Children should only be given as much power as they have shown themselves capable of handling and clearly your SD has more than she can handle now.
Your DH should be keeping in the back of his mind that SD is going to grow up and leave one day. He should be working hand in hand with you to manage these challenges that you BOTH face and appreciate the sacrifices that you are making on his behalf.
Good luck and god bless you.
I believe that what he has
I believe that what he has said has given the power to sd. I also believe that he has been giving her all the power whether deliberate or not for 12 years.
I wish my dh could see things like you do. Then maybe things would improve.
There are 2 things I'm putting my foot down about.
1. She needs to be diagnosed with aspergers and adhd (or whatever is wrong with her).
2. Someone has to help us with her sometimes. She is too much for us to handle all the time.
If he can't do these 2 things the marriage won't last. Not that hard to understand I wouldn't think.
Her dad and I work
Her dad and I work ridiculously hard every day to make this work and she just tears it apart. It is really hard too cos I know her dad doesn't want her with us 100% of the time but there is literally nowhere else for her to spend any time cos she is difficult and noone wants her around. My parents help as much as they can and that's all the help we have. Every second weekend without her would be bliss! Thanks to everyone who replied, knowing there are good people out there who have similar challenges in their lives is somehow reassuring.
I have ordered co dependent
I have ordered co dependent no more on the internet and I plan to read it. Thanks for mentioning that book. I didn't even know I was co dependent until you just told me so I have learnt something about myself.
Sounds like you have been through a lot. Are you still in the relationship that you spoke about? I hope you are happy now.
l'm sorry im not familiar
l'm sorry im not familiar with the word sooking but yes my SD sulks, it seems the norm for her.
When she sulks, we have told her upfront "well it looks like you have a bad attitude" than we get her going on a project such as dishes or something that is going to contribute to the household. As she works on the given project, we keep her in check assuring its being done correctly & after its complete comes the verbal compliments. lt seems to redirect her attitude all together.
This is really neat how many people have replied on this page starbucks29 posted & has been assuring to learn of the many who are dealing with such similar issues. lm interested in hearing of tactics that have been help full in dealing with the issues that has been talked about. Here are some things that are working for us.
1) During alone time, husband & wife each grab a notebook. At the top of the page write down the same question. Giving one another as much time as it takes, write down your own answers without any conversation. Compare answers & talk it out. lf another question arises, repeat this step until your both satisfied.
2) As a step mom, i found a great connection activity that my step kids, DH, & i try do do often together. Ours is karaoke.
3) When the kids mess up, have them make wrong right keeping it short & sweet. We talk things out as they are correcting what is wrong than move on after they dealt with their issue.
4) Be happy that you are not the one who pushed out the little monster or monsters! (DH laughed at this one)
5) When all else fails, i have turned on the camera to my step kids until their behavior changed & it really worked being they felt they had to put on a sweet face.
I really like your idea of
I really like your idea of putting the camera on your step kids when they play up, I might try that one lol.
Not many tactics work with my sd as she is extremely difficult. However the only thing I find works is rewarding good behaviour. Even punishing bad behaviour doesn't seem to work as she keeps on repeating the same bad behaviour 1000 times.
It's a difficult age. If she was 4 I'd smack her. If she was 18 I'd throw her out of the house. I'm stuck.
My dh has been pushing to get
My dh has been pushing to get his parents to help on some weekends so that we can have some time together, his father has no problem with this but his mother is the issue. The woman is an absolute bitch. So anyway last week my bratty sd told her dad and nan that she wants to be at home every weekend and never wants to be at nan's house on the weekend. My dh lost his temper walked out and slammed the door. sd then refused to come home for 3 days cos 'dad might be mad' and stayed at nan's house for 3 nights.
We then had a round table conference at dh's parents house (dh, myself, the in laws and dh's sister) in which we were basically told that there is nothing wrong with the child and that we are bad parents lol wtf! It is obvious that this child has major issues but they are in denial about it and think we are to blame for all the kids issues.
I was also told that my sd has the maturity of an 18 year old (most ppl would say that she is 12 going on 6). Also said that we are not doing enough to meet the childs needs. My dh has been turning inside out for 12 years to meet her needs. Neither of us were given a scrap of credit for anything.
His mother even told me that I should have no kids of my own as sd would be very threatened by this. Can you believe it ?!?!
So that's the latest here. One big mess. Something tells me marriage should not be this way.
If dh's mother wants to have this much say the kid should be living there. She is the most controlling manipulative woman and the reason for a lot of the problems we are having with the child.