It is undoubtedly harder to disengage if you have the SKID full time. We have SDs EOW, and I have been disengaged 8 years. However, I am not sure I would manage it if one or both lived with us full time. I would get too angry - it is easy to have nothing to do with them two days per fortnight but not sure if I could hold back if the little wretches were wrecking my house every day.
However, as rayven said, I think you could scale back the parenting you do and get your DH to do more. If you can give us more info about the situation it would be easier to advise.
In your other thread you say you suspect SD has ADHD or aspergers - you do need to get a proper diagnosis - push for this as much as you can - and if she has ADHD maybe some treatment. Both my SDs were diagnosed with this a few years ago, but they have not had medication as my DH and BM are against it.
Try and get your DH to step in as much as possible and maybe enrol her in some sort of activity or sport at the weekend so you and he can have some alone time.
Ive disengaged from SD as much as I can. It is harder when they live full time with you. SD does.. Right now we are not even on talking terms.. and i couldnt give two hoots either... i can honestly say im starting to HATE her and despise her. UGH
I am pretty much totally disengaged and my SD11 lives full time with us...I gave up on any normalacy a long time ago. This child is much more than I can deal with.
i disengaged from my SD12, she lives with us 100% of the time. it is not easy, and it is bitter sweet.
DH is doing very well on all the daily things, he is not doing well at covering her emotional needs (a guy thing i guess) so the girl is a bit of a pain and nobody is really there for her. like THERE emotionally, you know?
so hte sweet part: im not doing her laundry, worrying about her homework, nothing! it is all daddys problem. it feels great!
the bitter part: DH is resentful bacause SD is acting up and he does not know what to do and looks around and wonders why?, and hte answer he finds is that is my fault because i took away the love and care and now the girl is a mess.
note: it was my falut before too aahhha. while i was doing everything , SD was a mees because of me, when i dont do anyhting SD is a mess because of me
oh well
I'm trying to disengage but it's causing a lot of issues as it's obvious this kid expects me to be her mother and I just can't do it. She is already acting out and attention seeking because of it.
I love the idea of disengaging, but my two SKIDS live with us full time, and if I'm not there to remind, remind, remind about picking up after themselves, the house looks disgusting within the space of one mealtime. They drop their belongings everywhere, and then complain when they can't find something. They hand their stuff to their dad to carry for them (and he does it, grrrrr)and then get upset because he put it somewhere, so it's his fault they can't find it.
They complain because they have no clean pants, and yet won't put their stuff in the laundry. I'm not of a mind to looking for work to do, so I don't go and pick up their dirty clothes from their bedroom floors. I wash what's in the laundry.
I load the dishwasher when the dishes are stacked on top of it. If they're left scattered around I just leave them. But then I have to cook a meal, and there's no counter space to do it. Do I just tell them I'm not cooking because I can't find the kitchen counter?
They drop their coats and shoes when they come in the door, in spite of there being hooks for coats and shelves for shoes RIGHT THERE. I've asked them, reminded them, and nagged at them to put up their shoes when they come in the door, for well over three years now. Ever since we bought the shelves to put by the door for that purpose. Last week I tripped over a pair of runners that were lying in the middle of the doorway, when I had my hands full and couldn't see the floor in front of me, and hurt my back quite badly. I've been laid up for a week now, and they are still expecting me to do for them, in spite of the fact that it was kids shoes I tripped over. Their dad has not bothered to speak to them about the situation on my behalf. I yelled for a moment at the time, but then have just been trying to rest as much as possible so I can recover.
I work full time, then I'm home cleaning, cooking, doing laundry, repairing clothes, repairing/troubleshooting computers, grocery shopping, supervising children and riding herd on them. I'm exhausted. And their dad is as bad as they are. He's a packrat, and a slob, but wants a clean tidy home. He wants me to help raise the children, but doesn't back me up or require them to speak to me or treat me with respect.
I'm at my wits end, and this latest thing with the shoes and my injury has really given me a jolt into reality. I look to the future and can't honestly see that it is going to get better. We've been together 5 1/2 years and have lived together for 1 year. I've been supporting him in parenting these kids all that time, and I'm ready to throw it all away. I hate to give up, and I don't consider myself a quitter, but I don't know how to disengage without my home being destroyed and upping my stress level beyond redemption.
How does one effectively disengage from the people that live in your house, and survive?
:?
Do you mind if I read your
Do you mind if I read your blog? Is it online? If it's private don't worry, just wondering.
It is undoubtedly harder to
It is undoubtedly harder to disengage if you have the SKID full time. We have SDs EOW, and I have been disengaged 8 years. However, I am not sure I would manage it if one or both lived with us full time. I would get too angry - it is easy to have nothing to do with them two days per fortnight but not sure if I could hold back if the little wretches were wrecking my house every day.
However, as rayven said, I think you could scale back the parenting you do and get your DH to do more. If you can give us more info about the situation it would be easier to advise.
There is more info in my post
There is more info in my post titled 'stepdaughter'.
Thank you for your reply.
In your other thread you say
In your other thread you say you suspect SD has ADHD or aspergers - you do need to get a proper diagnosis - push for this as much as you can - and if she has ADHD maybe some treatment. Both my SDs were diagnosed with this a few years ago, but they have not had medication as my DH and BM are against it.
Try and get your DH to step in as much as possible and maybe enrol her in some sort of activity or sport at the weekend so you and he can have some alone time.
I've done it with a SS...btw
I've done it with a SS...btw why does it seem there are more complaints with SDs than SS here?...
Ive disengaged from SD as
Ive disengaged from SD as much as I can. It is harder when they live full time with you. SD does.. Right now we are not even on talking terms.. and i couldnt give two hoots either... i can honestly say im starting to HATE her and despise her. UGH
I am pretty much totally
I am pretty much totally disengaged and my SD11 lives full time with us...I gave up on any normalacy a long time ago. This child is much more than I can deal with.
i disengaged from my SD12,
i disengaged from my SD12, she lives with us 100% of the time. it is not easy, and it is bitter sweet.
aahhha. while i was doing everything , SD was a mees because of me, when i dont do anyhting SD is a mess because of me
DH is doing very well on all the daily things, he is not doing well at covering her emotional needs (a guy thing i guess) so the girl is a bit of a pain and nobody is really there for her. like THERE emotionally, you know?
so hte sweet part: im not doing her laundry, worrying about her homework, nothing! it is all daddys problem. it feels great!
the bitter part: DH is resentful bacause SD is acting up and he does not know what to do and looks around and wonders why?, and hte answer he finds is that is my fault because i took away the love and care and now the girl is a mess.
note: it was my falut before too
oh well
I'm trying to disengage but
I'm trying to disengage but it's causing a lot of issues as it's obvious this kid expects me to be her mother and I just can't do it. She is already acting out and attention seeking because of it.
I love the idea of
I love the idea of disengaging, but my two SKIDS live with us full time, and if I'm not there to remind, remind, remind about picking up after themselves, the house looks disgusting within the space of one mealtime. They drop their belongings everywhere, and then complain when they can't find something. They hand their stuff to their dad to carry for them (and he does it, grrrrr)and then get upset because he put it somewhere, so it's his fault they can't find it.
They complain because they have no clean pants, and yet won't put their stuff in the laundry. I'm not of a mind to looking for work to do, so I don't go and pick up their dirty clothes from their bedroom floors. I wash what's in the laundry.
I load the dishwasher when the dishes are stacked on top of it. If they're left scattered around I just leave them. But then I have to cook a meal, and there's no counter space to do it. Do I just tell them I'm not cooking because I can't find the kitchen counter?
They drop their coats and shoes when they come in the door, in spite of there being hooks for coats and shelves for shoes RIGHT THERE. I've asked them, reminded them, and nagged at them to put up their shoes when they come in the door, for well over three years now. Ever since we bought the shelves to put by the door for that purpose. Last week I tripped over a pair of runners that were lying in the middle of the doorway, when I had my hands full and couldn't see the floor in front of me, and hurt my back quite badly. I've been laid up for a week now, and they are still expecting me to do for them, in spite of the fact that it was kids shoes I tripped over. Their dad has not bothered to speak to them about the situation on my behalf. I yelled for a moment at the time, but then have just been trying to rest as much as possible so I can recover.
I work full time, then I'm home cleaning, cooking, doing laundry, repairing clothes, repairing/troubleshooting computers, grocery shopping, supervising children and riding herd on them. I'm exhausted. And their dad is as bad as they are. He's a packrat, and a slob, but wants a clean tidy home. He wants me to help raise the children, but doesn't back me up or require them to speak to me or treat me with respect.
I'm at my wits end, and this latest thing with the shoes and my injury has really given me a jolt into reality. I look to the future and can't honestly see that it is going to get better. We've been together 5 1/2 years and have lived together for 1 year. I've been supporting him in parenting these kids all that time, and I'm ready to throw it all away. I hate to give up, and I don't consider myself a quitter, but I don't know how to disengage without my home being destroyed and upping my stress level beyond redemption.
How does one effectively disengage from the people that live in your house, and survive?
:?