OT - expectations of a spouse
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OK. I've read that the easiest way to be happy is to NOT have any expectations from the other person. Then you will never be disappointed.
So, what (if any) expectations do YOU have for people you have relationships with....
Spouse?
Skids?
Bios?
Ex?
BM/BF?
A little background for me, my DH is severely failing my expectations right now...and I don't think that mine are all that unreasonable.
Spouse: treat me
Spouse: treat me respectfully, take care of your financial responsibilities and DON'T DRINK ALCOHOL
Bio: keep the asking for money to a minimum as you are an adult now
skids: no expectations except that they will continue to hurt their dad. Nothing I can do about it
BM: no expectations, just a ferverent wish for her to fall in a deep, dark hole in the middle of a giant forest.
Sorry Draco, he burnt his own
Sorry Draco, he burnt his own bridges on THAT one.
He's on his second chance. The same second chance that I have NEVER given ANY other guy in my life! I'm definitely not one of those people who will do an on-again/off-again relationship.
I love to drink myself. Not
I love to drink myself. Not so much now as I used to, though.
I think at least one parent
I think at least one parent should remain sober until the kids reach like age 14. My dad drinks (although he is by no means an alcoholic) but my mom doesn't. Provided, of course, the drinking parent does not get shit-faced or overboard, you know?
To make a long story short
To make a long story short (for those who weren't here last year), I moved out because of his tendency to not be able to stop at a "few" and become very verbally abusive once he would have those "few." We have been working on repairing our marriage but one pre-req is that it never gets to the verbally abusive point again. I have chronic health issues made worse by stress, and I have plenty of unavoidable stress in my life.
He still has a lot of anger issues stemming from his childhood as well as his fiasco with a bat-shit crazy, lies like she breathes, slut that he chose to have his children with (or at least she CLAIMED they were his kids). But that is his issue to tackle. I can't make it better.
it is not an unreasonable
it is not an unreasonable request. if he can't control himself then he has to abstain. i would NEVER put up with being sworn at, ever. i made that clear to dh. i let him know, if he ever did i would be gone, not forever but he would have to convince me he would not verbally abuse me before i came back.
for some people swearing is as easy as breathing...if that works for them...ok, but i will NOT tolerate it, respect is my essential requirement of my husband, and swearing at me proves he has none for me.
is he in therapy or a program? because i'd say he needs it.
He went through treatment. He
He went through treatment. He is planning on going to personal counseling (but I'll believe that when it happens) and we are going to marriage counseling again. He also has a much easier time if he is on the right meds. They are still finding the one that works with a minimum of side effects.
that's comforting...it shows
that's comforting...it shows he see's there's a problem and he will accept outside help. sorry you are going through this!
Spouse - Provide a decent
Spouse - Provide a decent living for us. Mow and weed eat the yard ( I do flower beds, shrubs, etc) and take care of vehicles. Help with laundry and cleaning occassionally (once or twice a week). Treat me and bios kindly (and with love) and respect. Teach SS responsibilities and respect for authority. Discipline SS when necessary. Listen to my point of view with SS. Put BM in her place every once in awhile. (Some of these don't happen).
SS - Accept responsibilities, chores. Treat adults with respect. Clean your room and do your laundry. Do your best in school. Keep in contact with DH. Stop bad mouthing me to family it just shows how spoiled and entitled you are. Get a PT job and stope expecting everything to be handed to you. (none of these happen)
Bios - Grown and out of house so I expect independence, respect and an occassional visit or phone call! (Good kids!)
My Ex - Nothing.
BM - Leave me and DH alone. Quit talking about us to SS and other family. Quit asking us for money/help and telling DH how bad you are doing. Email us instead of calling us non-stop about the same thing over and over. Figure a few things out on your own and only call when necessary. Be independent for a change. Grow up your not SS's BFF. (oh, how I wish these would happen).
Spouse: Always try your best
Spouse: Always try your best when it comes to improving our relationship. Be gentle with my feelings for although I act strong, sometimes I need some support too. Stand next to me and walk with me, as my equal, as my partner, as my best friend.
Skids: Be kind to me, and I will do the same. Love me, and I will do the same. Be civil and respectful, and I will return that ten-fold. I am sorry for the circumstances surrounding your birth, but I will try my best to raise you as I would my own kids--with discipline and structure, support, and love.
Bios: You may be my future children but I will not allow you to be less than anything I know you can be. I will be harsh, I will be strict, but I will also be the person you can count on to do everything I can to make sure you become successful, respected, and well loved people--sometimes it will mean tough love, sometimes it will mean tears and anger and things we don't mean. Be thoughtful for your dear old mom once in a while though, I'd really appreciate it.
Ex: FDH is my first, so... uhh... thanks for... not existing and screwing me up... I guess?
BM: As long as you know your place in our household, which is nowhere, I will deem you fit to continue living as comfortably as you have. If at any point, I feel like you are threatening me and my family, I will take whatever measures I consider necessary to thoroughly ruin your life. Trust me, I have the capabilities of doing so, and that is if FDH doesn't get to you first. For what you have done to FDH, to SS, to everyone around you, I cannot forgive you for as long as I shall live. What goes around comes around, and you are now getting your due karma--and guess what? You had a good thing going--the EXBF would have married you had you not decided you wanted FDH. Where are you now? Mid 40s, single, infant in tow, living at your mom's, still batshit crazy and pining over a man you will never have. No one wants you. It'd be pathetic and sad had I not known what you tried to do. Stay away if you know what is good for you. Being the "mother of his child" will get you nowhere with either of us.
Edit:
Oops, forgot to add the in-laws
MIL: I will treat you like my own mother, which means I will take care of you on your deathbed, provided you give me due respect as a daughter-in-law. Which, in my language, means that the things related and affecting my household is my and FDH's problem alone, you do not get any say in what we do or don't do if it does not directly affect you. As long as we have that understanding, I am more than willing to have a second mom. If you don't and go behind my back in anything in regards to my and FDH's life, please understand that you may lose the relationship you have with your son and your other grandchildren. I will give you a few chances, but once those run out, it's gone.
Ugh truly, what goes around
Ugh truly, what goes around comes around. Honestly, they seriously outdid themselves. Quit while you're ahead, BM!
Spouse : Take care of me, and
Spouse : Take care of me, and my BIO, continue to treat us with love and respect LEARN HOW TO DEAL WITH MONEY!! (hes rubbish with money and that frightens me!!)
Skids : STOP WHINING!!! Sit in the corner and do as you are told! STOP CLIMBING ON THE FURNITURE!!! - Especially the dinner table!! Little SH**s
Bios : Just do your best. I know sometimes things are tough and school is hard (shes dyslexic and about 4yrs behind her peers with reading and writing) But I love you no matter what
Stay happy, stop chasing the friggin chickens! Oh and cut up your food before shoveling it into your mouth!!
Ex : Stay in the cupboard where I left you....hmm actually thats starting to smell, maybe nows the time think about getting a new patio....
BM : DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE!! ...hmm actually that means i'll end up with the SKIDS.... LIVE LIVE LIVE... oh and emegrate (with SKIDS) someplace far far away!! (is that a little too mean?)
Spouse: You're gonna miss me
Spouse: You're gonna miss me when I'm gone (all those bills I paid etc adds up despite your opinion to the contrary)
Skids: I'm sorry you were RUINED by a BFF PASinator MOTY-type stay-in-bed, narcissistic, free ranger BM and a guilty disney daddykins. I hope you are productive members of society but I SINCERELY doubt it with that level of entitlement.
Bios: (grown) Just keep up the good work! Continue to be fiscally responsible and make good decisions.
Ex: Well the last one is passed on so his sins are forgiven; the first one? MEH!
BM (and the BM clan): I hope karma bites you in the ass HARD with your best seller parenting book "How to Raise A Sociopath, Alienate the Father and Bankrupt Him For Life"
Spouse - treat me like a
Spouse - treat me like a partner and an equal (he does), but understand when I want a little less of an "equal" role with your kids - ie let me back off without making me feel guilty (he's working on it). Keep being the loving, although sometimes dense, wonderful person you are.
Skids - respect me and realize that I don't have to do a damn thing for you, and I do a hell of a lot more than your actual mother does (they are figuring it out). Please turn out to be productive members of society. Appreciate your father more. You have no idea what he put up with to get where he is and what he's done for you.
Bios - don't have any, but I do have a dog and a cat. So, don't chew up, pee on or puke on anything. Come at least half the time I call you. Remember that you are the only two creatures in this house that never make me cry and I would choose you over the skids (well at least the dog. Cat, you may be on your own) if push came to shove.
Ex - grow up. Not that it matters to me anymore, but for your own sake. We're friends and I appreciate that and really hope you get your life figured out.
BM - stay on your meds, please. You're somewhat tolerable when you're medicated, and a freaking bitch when you're not. The Jekyll/Hyde routine is getting old and as much as I hate to admit it, if anything makes me thrown in the towel it will be your shit. You walked out on your family, continue to treat a good man like crap and can't get it through your head that you are f-ing up your kids. If you can't get your crap together, than at least leave us alone.