Help...my wife can no longer cope with my kids!
Sorry that this is so long...just alot of issues that bear upon this request.
This is has been a long, slow burn that has finally gotten the best of my wife. I fear that she is about to have an emotional breakdown because of my two teenage children (ages 16 and 17). Here's the story...
My wife and I have been married for nearly 5 years with 5 children between us ranging from ages 10 to 20. Her children live with us (except the 20-year-old is now off to college and in and out mainly on the weekends). My two children are only with us every other weekend and it has been that way throughout our marriage.
Her 3 kids were very receptive to our marriage but mine were more apprehensive about it because of the change in dynamic. Mine initially thought that they were being "replaced" by my wife's family (when in reality they were not and have not been). We've tried to include all of them in our activities as much as possible and have always let them know that they are loved and welcomed in our home at anytime.
My ex-wife, however, hasn't encouraged my 2 kids to be adaptable or to be a part in our family. She (especially early on in our marriage) threw up hurdles at every turn making it difficult for the kids to come to our house...by scheduling conflicting activities that forced the kids to choose between us. She also fed their fears of rejection and alienation (through confirmation that we've received from the kids). Therefore, they have mostly been resistant to having a warm relationship with us...you can sometimes feel their coldness whenever they come over and feel it melt throughout the time that they are here and then it starts over each succeeding time they are here.
My ex-wife uses the "guilt" card constantly to make the kids feel that they are choosing us over her whenever they come here. She makes excuses for needing to see them which drives their sense of insecurity.
Her parenting skill set does not mesh with ours and that also causes problems in our blended family. Nothing that my 2 kids do is truly their fault (according to my ex-wife's behavior and resulting discipline...or lack of discipline to them). There is always a "reason" that "justifies" their poor behavior or rebellious spirit in her eyes. She and her husband grounded her husband's daughter for 6 months for sneaking out of their house and disallowed her to come over to their house at times that my 2 kids were there. My ex-wife and my daughter were really rude and disrespectful to the step-daughter/sister because of it. Yet, when my daughter ran away from her mother's home for 2 days she was coddled and loved and only given a 1-month grounding (of which my ex-wife softened by taking her shopping and re-doing her bedroom!).
You can probably see where this is heading...
The above-mentioned "problems" have caused serious respect of authority issues by my 2 kids. They don't see that our life is worthy of their respect and challenge our rules and bend them (or try to) constantly causing turmoil in our home nearly every weekend they are here. We've been taken to court by the 2 of them over their demands for changes in custody terms (which, of course, they lost) to times that fit more into their needs. They were shocked that state law would trump their "wishes" (as was their mother). In fact, the court came down very hard against them; and my wife and I were anguished that they put themselves in such a bad situation (but my ex-wife insisted that they go forward with the lawsuit and forced them to testify against us).
The court defeat gave us a little leverage with them because they finally realized that theirs was not the ultimate authority. We were able to get them into counseling (appallingly, against my ex-wife's wishes) which had quite a positive effect upon them. However, after a few months my ex-wife told them that they did not have to go anymore and we no longer had leverage to make them to go.
Things deteriorated with them once again after they stopped going to counseling. I was forced to tell my daughter that she was not welcomed in our house because of her very bad behavior towards me and my wife...but that she would be welcomed again if she would obey our rules and be respectful of us. Three weeks later, my ex-wife called me and begged me for help because my daughter was turning her rebellious spirit onto her (shock, shock). My wife and I sat down with her and her brother to tell them exactly the terms for which she would be allowed back into our home (our son was present just so it would be emphasized to him what we expected). She began coming again to our home but it wasn't long before she (and my son) began slipping back into their "routine" of not showing up at our house on time or at all, not notifying us of their plans or intentions, lying to us, being rude to us by totaling ignoring us in public places and at high school sporting events that they were participating in, etc, etc, etc... Any disciplinary action was always under-cut by my ex-wife who enabled this behavior toward us (even in her presence).
The final straw really came about six weeks ago whenever my daughter ran away from her mother's home. It was a huge emotional issue that resulted in her coming home safely. She again had turned on her mother and step-father as she had often done to us...rather than coming to us, she decided to run away for a few days. As you can expect, that took a tremendous amount of emotional energy dealing with the period while she was gone and with the subsequent fall-out over the event. All four of us (my ex, her husband, me and my wife) were intensively involved in the event and in dealing and discussing the punishment and healing process.
Then, this past week was when they were supposed to be at our house for spring break. Well, I called to ask and remind them what time they were to be here. I ended up going to pick my daughter up because my son was working on a research paper and said he would be there later. Well, it ended up being 3 days later even after I had insisted that he come and work on the paper at our house. But, again his mother didn't force or encourage him to come. The first weekday of spring break was a date that my ex had scheduled them to have dentist appointments. I was working and couldn't get them there and she volunteered to take them because she also had a dental appointment. I said "ok' and she then asked if she could keep them a little longer and take them out to eat (of which I didn't have a problem with). So, they left the house at 8:45 am and didn't return back to us until 9:45 pm that night (and then only after I texted my ex asking when I should expect them home). The next evening, they again "needed" to go see their mom at almost 10 pm for a few minutes that turned into nearly 2 hours. I finally got my son to answer his phone and they came right back.
None of this is or was new. Total disrespect for the need to be accountable to us and be responsible to us for their time and actions. However, this was the tipping point as my wife was completely fed up and gave me an ultimatum. It was that she was leaving or they were leaving...
So, I sat them down and laid down the law telling them the situation and that I must uphold the stability of our home and that their continued disrespect and devaluation of us and our home was intolerable (as they have been told numerous times in the past). This time, I sent them packing and said that we would tolerate this no longer. They would be welcomed back if they could be civil, responsible and loving kids to us...but under no other circumstances. They seemed to undestand and acknowledged that there were issues that they instigated and fed. They also seemed to grasp (as well as 16 and 17 year-olds can) the need to protect our marriage.
It's not that my wife hasn't shown them love, grace and mercy because she has...more so than they deserve. She is at her wits end with them because we cannot control them no matter what actions we take with them. We've tried soft love, tough love, everything to no avail. She has spent an enormous amount of emotional energy on them and is completely bankrupt. I'm not bankrupt only because they are my children. We both love them but it has taken a tremendous toll upon the both of us.
Realize that I only want thoughts from those who recognize the sanctity of the marriage first. I do not believe that my kids should come first because they have been here longer than my wife. My wife will be with me for life...the kids will choose a mate for themselves at some point who will be their top priority. What I am looking for is how to reconcile the two sides and be able to create healing that will be beneficial for all.
So, can you help me?
You have tried time and time
You have tried time and time again to reconcile the two sides to no avail. It is not possible at this time. I suggest that you retain contact with telephone, email and occasional (but not especially lavish) lunches and dinners. It is up to them to come to you and PROVE that they can be a productive member of your family. I strongly commend you for putting your marriage first. I wish more than anything that you could sit down with my FH and explain the simple facts of life to him as it appears that the marriage I had so long dreamed of is not to be. My choice - not his.
I have a hard time with your
I have a hard time with your last paragraph..... If marriage was truly forever, you wouldn't have an exwife and two children with a broken home. Long and short, you are choosing your new wife over your own flesh and blood.
Monkeys, I never said I was
Monkeys,
I never said I was perfect...I am trying to learn from my mistakes in life. And, yes, I am choosing my wife over my kids. She should be for life. They will choose a mate for themselves at some point in life who will replace me as their #1 priority. I'm trying to model what a good marital relationship should be to them.
Monkeys, I'm sorry that you
Monkeys,
I'm sorry that you feel the way that you do. It is basically because of this attitude with my kids right now and your attitude that the kids should come first as the reason for my divorce from their mother. I tried putting the marriage first, but she wrapped herself into the kids' lives completely which was the catalyst that caused our marriage to fail. So, what I learned from the failed first marriage was that the kids do not (and should not) call the shots.
Kids do not call the shots.
Kids do not call the shots. Agreed!
Does your x w have a good relationship with her kids?
As a b m I would never abandon my kids.
As a s m I would never ever want my d h to abandon his kids. For me, loving him means loving all of him... Including the fact he was a father before I came around
"Does your x w have a good
"Does your x w have a good relationship with her kids?"
Obviously you did not read any of his post but just jumped to the conclusions that fit your agenda on here as a mostly CP BM SMINO.
I agree one hundred percent.
I agree one hundred percent. I have been the "second wife" for seven years and it has been implied by everyone that I am "the second choice, the second in line, and the second best". I give everything to DH and SK and receive the X's wrath, the DH's dismissal and the SK's silence. I have nothing of my own. No house, no children. I would give anything to hear from my DH that our marriage comes first and that it should be respected. He has stated it once 5 years ago, but all actions since say the opposite. I am impressed with this guy's comments as well. He needs some support for making a difficult decision in a no win situation. He also has the right to move on into another loving relationship and a right to be happy too. Your Wife will thank you in spades!
Has there been any
Has there been any improvement in the relationship with the SD since you cut ties with her? What contact does your husband still keep with her? Those are some of the things that I a wrestling with...do I make complete severance of the relationship or still keep minimal contact?
My wife knows that I have put
My wife knows that I have put her first. I've told her that and tried to demonstrate it to her. I understand where she is coming from because my 2 kids have given her a sense of alienation that she cannot deal with any longer. She does care for them very much (and has poured her heart into them) but doesn't feel that it has been reciprocated by them...and, it hasn't (either toward her or me) and she resents it. I do, too, only I'm their father and show a little more grace and mercy because of the "blood" connection. If her kids acted the same way, I know that I would feel the same way that she does.
I know that alot of these issues stem from the "Parent Alienation Syndrome" but I expected that the kids' maturity at this age would begin to neutralize that effect in them. I don't know if I can wait much longer if it will.
Got that...just see my post
Got that...just see my post above with my questions going forward.
Agreed! Too bad GG doesn't
Agreed! Too bad GG doesn't see if from this point of view as he'd rather play into the PAS by kissing his children's netherquarters and being non-confrontational with the PASinator BM than have a real adult relationship.
Thank you...I got that.
Thank you...I got that. Everyone has said that this is the correct course of action. It just doesn't feel "right" yet. I only pray that one day they will come around. I like your avatar, by the way!
How long ago did this happen?
How long ago did this happen? It will take a while to feel "right". See my post below about my SD. She is my SD and it took several weeks to stop feeling guilty. I am sure my husband still fights those feelings. BUT...we are much happier now and starting to find our new normal. We take the kids to the park more, we spend more QUALITY time together now...before we never did much as a family because SD would hijack the time and turn it into a negative experience. Now all of our family time is positive...SD no longer has the power to ruin every one else's day.
You will start to see a difference in yourself, your wife and your other kids...when the bad influence...the constant turmoil...is gone...everyone else feels at peace and can relax and enjoy each other. THEN you will feel the difference...THEN you will experience healing...THEN it will feel "right".
And in reconciling the two sides...it will take time. Your side has to heal and the kids have to grow up and realize what they did wrong...and mature enough to realize they have bridges to mend. Once they realize all of that (could take years), then the reconciling can take place. You need to be ready, your wife needs to be ready and the kids need to be ready. When you start reconciling, take baby steps. If the kids are positive...take one step forward. When they are negative, it will be two steps back. When they start the negative crap again...you make sure you take those steps back or you will be right where you were. Your wife needs to see you react to the kids negativity and the kids need to see you react so they don't think they can get away with it again.
It will all work out in the end, it will just take time and patience.
OptimisticMe, Good screen
OptimisticMe,
Good screen name. The ultimatum occurred last Tuesday night and I sent the kids back to their mother's. I know that my ex is probably really angry at me for doing it, but I don't care what she thinks. I did call my mom to get some moral support and suggestions and she said (like most of you) that it was the right thing to do. However, she wanted to come get the kids and spend some time with them herself, and so she drove up and picked them up from my ex's the next day and they spent the rest of the week down there with my parents.
I flew down on Sunday and picked them up so they wouldn't have to make the 10 hour round-trip drive again. It was an enjoyable day for me and the time spent with the kids. I again had the discussion about why this had to happen and the things that I needed from them going forward. We spoke about attitudes and their need to be much more respectful and responsible to us. I just reiterated to them the need to give more into this relationship than they had put into it thus far. I also reminded them that there would be a period of separation for us all. If they wanted to spend time with me, it would only be me for a period of time until my wife had some time to heal and get grounded again. I emphasized the point that I love them (and so does my wife) and I gave numerous examples of how she has gone way above and beyond with the love and compassion that she has shown them in times of need and otherwise. I left them at my ex's house on good terms.
Your children will respect
Your children will respect you more in the end for having PRINCIPLES opposite to your PASinator ex-wife who will eventually come off as juvenile, petty, jealous and vindictive.
Most definitely.
Most definitely.
No, she doesn't want me to
No, she doesn't want me to completely cut them off from a relationship with me. It's just that she doesn't want them to be disruptive of our home. So, until they calm down and be become respectful of us in our home (or elsewhere) she doesn't want to be a part of that dynamic.
I am trying to see this from her perspective because I know how much she has tried to be a wonderful step-parent to them. She has insisted to them that she is just that and is not trying to "one-up" their mother.
I wish you could talk some
I wish you could talk some sense into my DH. He doesn't understand that allowing his kids to be disrespectful to me sets a bad example.
If you do cut-off contact, then you have to be in it for the long haul. My skids all decided to pull the complete no-contract routine and were estranged for 5 years until Dh finally cracked and went begging for them to take him back and to help them with a family crisis. Now he's essentially their "bitch" and he lets them dictate their relationship - they won't have any contact with him unless he pretends I don't exist. I wish he would grow a pair and tell them that unless they're prepared to accept me and act like adults, he won't have anything to do with them or his grandkids. But he's too guilty over their mom dying to do that.
It's awful isn't it? GG is
It's awful isn't it? GG is always at the ready to play into the PAS and be taken for as a fool even though they PASed out almost 4 years ago for the oldest two and almost 3 years ago for the youngest.
Relationships are a TWO WAY STREET not the one way BM PASinator mantra:
"we are divorced so you abandoned your children" nonsense that only hurts the CHILDREN in the end. How narcissistic to think that because the BM divorced the father that the children have NO RIGHT to a REAL parent/child relationship PARTICULARLY if biodad DARES to move on!!!
Good (no great) advice, all.
Good (no great) advice, all.
Especially, Sueu2, thank you for directing me to this forum. Yours sounds like the most sensible advice to not abandon them completely so they don't have even more things to be resentful about.
I will use your suggestions to schedule regular contact times with them and hold them accountable to it. I pay child support regularly (in fact I asked the courts to increase my monthly calculated amounts by 20% when I divorced and it drafts into my ex's account 10 days prior to it being due each month). Somehow, I misguidedly thought that would "buy" their forgiveness of divorcing their mother.
Im standing up and applauding
Im standing up and applauding you!!!! Im so happy to hear from a man's perspective about putting his Marriage first!! You have SOOOO got it right!! In just a few,very short years your kids will be off on their new 'adult' adventures.. they will learn and grow.. they may make alot of mistakes, but its on THEM when they do...not you, your wife OR your ex.
BRAVO to you!! I only wish more people would realize this.
About your wife, and possibly how to help her thru all of this. Well, as you are aware..your Wife will be the woman by your side thru the rest of your time here on Earth (God willing). Your kids are just about grown. Sure they will need the guidance of their parents thru this time..but atleast for you..that part of your life is about to its 'raising them' closure..& they will be off to college, work, whatever. Your wife..she is the one you have realized to put first. Your kids are going to have to simply Accept that!! Thats probably not gonna happen for awhile...but until they do (accept your marriage & your wife)..there are things they really need to do...which is Show your wife Respect. This doesnt mean they have to grovel at her feet, no...but they DO need to be nice, curteous and above all....respectful.
I think it wise to separate things out at this point. Your wife has been put thru alot. I know somewhat Im sure how she feels.. I have a stepson who tries to make my life a living hell...and he is always trying to make DH 'choose' between me or him..and its pathetic..there really is never a 'choice' to be made..as there is always a side you will loose... my DH knows Id never ever ask him to 'choose' per se...BUT... with that being said.. I DO have a right.. to be in my own house without walking on eggshells to upset him..and so does your wife.
Im sure it took her awhile to get to this point, right? So its going to take a good bit of time to get over the hurt, resentments, etc. Its so hard as a woman, to put your heart & soul into cultivating a realationship with the stepkids..to only have your heart stomped on, your pride stomped on ..and you self esteem goes to the crappers.
Your wife right now probably needs ...space.. Space to be able to go on about her normal duties as both a your wife and a mother to her own kids. Im sure she has shed alot of tears, read a ton of articles and books about how to make this 'all work'..Im sure she has tried things from different angles and in different ways to 'try' to make it 'work'... but ... sometimes even the best of attentions..gets stepped on to a point...that there is nowhere else to go.. know what I mean?
Id say you probabaly would be wise to separate these relationships...
With your wife: Do something super duper nice.. take a beautiful vacation..just the two of you.. Send her flowers 'just because'.. draw her a warm bath on a day when she looks stressed and tired. Show her how much you love her..and show her your love is unwavering. Treat her like the Queen of your home... allow her to walk in her own home and FEEL respected. I can only speak for myself here.. but I feel rejected..and like I have 'failed' alot when it involves my stepkids..I didnt take my relationship with them lightly.. I took it on full blast and Im sure a day will come...where Ive had enough. Ive tried enough. Ive had my heart bleed enough.
My point is, show your wife that she means the world to you. You sound like you have..but right now is truly a time to 'step it up' and show her, that just because her relationship with your children isnt what either of you wanted (or deserved).. you REALIZE and acknowledge there was nothing more you could have done..and nothing more SHE could have done to save it from BM's claws of PAS. Im there too,, with the PA
S..its a tough & exhausting thing to deal with. Just cherish your wife..and show her in every way.. that Your heart belongs to her..that YOU respect her enough to NOT let your children hurt her in that way anymore...that you have seen what she has gone thru, in all of this..her struggles and that you ADMIRE her tenacity to keep trying even when it blew up in her face.
I truly feel you CAN have a relationship with All of them...just maybe in a different way now..
Your kids... They have sadly proven to you all that they will NOT accept your marriage and the covenants of the household. You sure have tried here, and my hats off to you on that!!! But, with that said..if your wifee is truly at her end of the rope... I feel you ought to separate out these relationships. Is there a family members home you could 'use' when spending time with the kids? Its a suggestion.. Im NOT saying spending like a whole weekend like every other weekend with them there, definitely not (that would be showing the kids that you will exclude your wife) Im thinking baby steps here...like for a day here and there. If not.. then I think lunch with the kids or dinner with the kids would be a good thing (not at all suggesting expensive places tho).. that way you could also see them, talk to them, etc. You could also continue phone time with them as well, and texting (if you all do that) them, but only during normal daytime hours, and the texts need to stay just about you all...not a way to talk badly about your wife. Nip that in the bud..dont allow them to do that.
Your kids perhaps will never change too..and its a sad reality when these things happen. PAS is real, its a monster, and it ruins lives. I HATE to see all these stories about the non custodial families being wripped to shreds at the hands of an evil BM! Our BM does her PAS in waves..they come and go..BUT they are always about Me..not my DH as much or anyone else...the woman just cannot stand the fact that she lost 'control' over my DH..and she hates me being in the kids lives. Funny thing is..she is now a stepmom too!! & the BM on that end wont put up with her shit!!! HA!!
Sorry .... duplicate post
Sorry .... duplicate post somehow
Stepmom, Wow...you sound like
Stepmom,
Wow...you sound like a bundle of love and joy!
Ironically, I have set into place several of the things you have suggested with my wife. Just used airline miles to get a ticket for her to Destin, FL for a week with her girlfriends in early May. Been doing the "wifely duties" of cleaning the kitchen and "running the roads" for her with the 2 kids still at home who live with us full-time to give her some relaxation.
I will plan on scheduling regular contacts via text and phone calls as stated in my post to Sue2u. When we do visit when they aren't here, I never talk badly about my wife, their mother or their step-dad. Quite the contrary, I only discuss good things about them with them if they are brought up at all. And if they start being critical in any way, I always stop it or try to turn it into a positive.
Thanks again for your comments and suggestions.
I am new here, but I think
I am new here, but I think I'll be on here A LOT in the future. I'm getting married in July (I think) and I get to go home tonight and have a discussion - again - with SO about SS8 and SD6. Outtahere, I've copied your paragraph about "loving children is not spoiling them" and will present it to him, along with a few other excellent statements I've found here. He may feel guilty about the divorce, but he's not doing them any favors by letting them grow into self-centered brats with an overdeveloped sense of entitlement! Thanks to everyone here for talking me off the ledge for today. I'm sure I'll be back tomorrow ...
I haven't read all of your
I haven't read all of your responses, but I wanted to let you know that I think you are doing the right thing.
You have not done this to them, they have brought this on themselves despite repeated warnings. If you did NOT take a stand, they would go through life thinking there are no consequences for their actions and perhaps wind up in jail.
I do think it would be wise to continue to reach out to them at times to show that you do care and you do not intend to abandon them...like send a birthday card (no money necessary) or call from time to time to check in with them.
If it makes you feel any better, we had to do something similar with my SD12. She was repeatedly breaking rules, verbally and physically attacking our toddlers, getting in trouble at school, sneaking around behind our backs and stealing. After multiple talks she would not change or even say she would try to change...so we sent her to her mom that had abandoned her 7 years prior and never seen her since. She is happy to be with her mom and we still see her several times each week...and our lives are SOOOO much better now. Our toddlers are happy again, WE are happy again. My husband saw that I could not handle his daughter anymore, he saw that she was being detrimental to the development of our other children and he did something about it. I commend you both for being brave enough to take a stand to protect your marriage.
Auto, if you look at my
Auto, if you look at my biography, I'm the mom in a nuclear family. I've stepped my nephew. And even from where I sit i think the time is overdue for you to see your kids on your own and give your wife a break. You're there already, I think you just needed to hear it from other people.
When us women tell you guys we've had it, it means WE'VE HAD IT, and she really needs a respite! You're smart to know your marriage could be at stake. As OP said, take them to lunch, dinner, or a movie, maybe 2-3 times a month, nothing too lavish. I would also add to that, if they bad mouth your wife or your marriage, pay the tab and excuse yourself. If YOU respect your marriage and wife implicitly, THEY will follow suit. It will never be perfect, but nothing is, right? Good luck and God bless.
Stepmomma, She didn't end up
Stepmomma,
She didn't end up in juvenile detention, but the school system did put her into lock-down for three days. As you've read in my earlier posts, my ex took her clothes shopping and re-did her bedroom as punishment for her behavior (pun intended). She was supposedly grounded for a month but my ex couldn't hold up to it and the only thing that she ended up being grounded from was her cell phone and computer.
I do try to pamper my wife as much as I can. This late post is because we just returned home from a Dallas Stars NHL hockey game that a friend gave us tickets to go watch. We had a blast. I also have been much more attentive around the house and have been doing the best I can in that arena (because I am not a very good homemaker). She really appreciates the effort even if I don't always do a very good job. I've agreed that she needs to get away and so we've made plans for her to go to Destin, FL the first week of May with several of her girlfriends so she can just kick back and relax.
It has been emotionally draining. My wife cried all day last Wednesday about this. She was emotionally spent and needed to release her anger and pent-up frustration and the crying and talking about it helped alot. Afterwards, she has been much more herself and I feel much better knowing that she acts as if she feels better. She was partially upset because she thought that I wouldn't understand where she was coming from and would be angry with her for breaking down. Once she understood that I was not angry with her and did understand what she was going through (by explaining what I thought was going on with her and she said "Yes!" as if she was surprised that I "got it"), she was much more at ease with me and has been very open and frank about her emotional issues regarding this.
Welcome, I hope that you find
Welcome, I hope that you find this to be a good place to vent, contribute and get some useful perspecitive from others who are living the blended family dream.
I will start by suggesting that you not waste your time trying to reconcile the two sides.
You have a CO so use it. Roll it up and beat the snot out of your XW and your children with it each and every time they deviate from the CO. This is your best tool for getting the oppostion under control and for protecting your marriage from the drama of your toxic children and XW.
Children do not chose to visit or not to visit. They do what they are told when they are told or they are held accountable for that decision. Your XW follows the CO to the letter or she is held accountable for her decision to deviate from the CO.
Though I completely understand your justification for evicting your children from you home and family, you basically gave them exactly what they wanted. Rather than kicking them out you shuold have confiscated their car keys put them in a room to write 10,000 sentences each about their behavior.
"I will follow the visitation schedule outlined in the Court Order."
Sentences work, and the humiliation of having to be punished like a 6yo will make a big impression on your 16 and 17yo.
I would strongly suggest taht you go to a total accountability platform in dealing with your children and their mother.
Good luck.
Rags, I understand the Court
Rags,
I understand the Court Order issue, but we've already been down that road with our local court system and they did absolutely nothing except to send us to mediation. In mediation, my ex walked out of it after the mediator realized the full extent of her behavior with the kids towards us. Then the judge did absolutely nothing except to slap her on the wrist (and me, too) about why we could not work together for the kids' best interests. He didn't care one bit about the repeated violations of the court order. We were, therefore, left with nothing except a piece of paper which has really become unenforceable because she does as she pleases and has done so for the many years that it has been in place. My attorney has told me that he has never seen anyone as devious, manipulative and narcissistic as is my ex in all the years that he has practiced family law...and he is the best family-law attorney around here! The only legal victory that we've managed is just to put up a defense of our custodial rights which my ex tried to have altered and limited from the standard possession order.