Christmas eve alone?
Hello,
I need to run this by someone that doesn't know us.
We were married 4 years ago. His kids are now 26 son and 22 daughter. Each Christmas eve they spend 1.5 hrs away at their Grandmother's (his ex-wife's mom). The 26 year old or the mom would drive to the other city.
His ex-wife committed suicide 2 years ago which is so horribly tragic. She was bi-polar and those kids have been through hell. Both are doing well now. One out of college, the other graduates in May.
Our Christmas eves have been making new traditions and we make a specific meal and watch a Christmas movie. The kids come over Christmas day and we go see his side of the family and spend the day with his kids.
My husband tells me last week that he's driving his daughter to the other city so she can stay overnight with the Grandmother. His son will already be there and is staying 2 nights. I mentioned that it should work since he'd be back by 6 since he's dropping her off and coming right back. He says the kids want him to stay so he won't be back until 8:30 - 9:00pm.
I have gone back and forth between mad, sad, hurt. I am amazed he can't see it. But then I feel selfish saying it outloud... "you're leaving your wife at home Christmas eve to spend it with your ex-mother in law and kids... who will be with us all day Christmas day."
He drives the daughter to the other town all the time. I've mentioned he should let her drive to get experience but that doesn't happen. She CAN drive, she just doesn't want to. His son should come back and get her and take her back. We shouldn't have to give up our Christmas eve tradition for this. Or, because he wants to spend it with them, I should just be quiet and find my own things to do.
We have a very healthy, loving marriage so this is throwing me for a spin. I am going to say something this week to him and tell him how I feel, but really want to hear someone's opinion on this.
Thanks! Shar
There are other options other
There are other options other than him driving her and the fact that he's going to stay for awhile....
I get that his "kids" want him to hang out, but they are not children and should understand that it is not even really appropriate that they ask him to.
And, if you and your husband have made your Christmas Eve thing a tradition, he is being very inconsiderate and insensitive. It doesn't even sound like he talked to you about it, just told you what was happening, and only when you mentioned it that he would be back by 6:00.
If he doesn't take your feelings into consideration when you talk to him about this, I would be tempted to not only find my own thing to do Christmas Eve, but Christmas Day, as well.
He's being very inconsiderate
He's being very inconsiderate in doing what "the kids want" without talking to you first, and on a holiday to boot.
What?!
Changing your christmas eve tradition, and only telling you because you mentioned it? These kids are adults and will see daddy on Christmas day. What part of this does your DH thinks its ok to ditch his wife on Christmas Eve, where clearly that isnt the norm?
I would be expressing my dismay and hurt immediately.
Um, how's the 26yo getting there?
Why can't SS take SD?
Why can't SD take a bus?
Can Gma come get her?
Why not just let them stay there and spend Xmas day without them?
Unfortunately I don't have a lot of advice. I deal with this with my DH all the time. He won't do things I ask, but he jumps the second there's a peep from one of his kids to do something with/for them. And it even can be a similar thing.
He's being inconsiderate.
He's being inconsiderate. Probably doesn't realize it. I'd definitely talk to him about it and let him know how you feel.
A 22 year old is perfectly capable of driving a couple hours to her grandmother's. Your DH is enabling her dependent behavior--and it works out very well for her so she'll never quit.
I'm sure Christmas is hard for these kids who lost their mom so tragically. Heck, I miss MY mom and she lived to be 99! But your DH abandoning you won't make them miss their Mom any less.
I would make plans for a
I would make plans for a tropical vacation leaving Christmas eve...alone lol
Sd needs to hit someone else up for the ride.
Alternatives
Agree with alternatives suggested by others. Also, if she is responsible, can't dad loan her his car?
Do it!
Say this to your DH; "-- you're leaving your wife at home Christmas eve to spend it with your ex-mother in law and kids... who will be with us all day Christmas day." Then add that it is not appropriate for a Husband to leave his wife on the Holiday, you will not put up with it and it is non-negotiable. This is one thing my DH knows is a hill I would climb. The least he could have done was invite you to come along.
Id never say this. Spending
Id never say this. Spending time with me should be a choice, not out of guilt. I would find something better to do. If i had a choice between skids and no skids, I'd choose no skids even if it meant no DH. I have family & bios that Id much rather spend time with skid free
I would! So would the OP and most of the posters
We'll have to agree to disagree. You could find something else to do while your DH was celebrating a holiday and leaving you at home. Not me OR obviously the OP. The Skids are going to be there the next day anyway. It's absolutely ridiculous to make a special trip and DH is very heartless to leave his wife at home for something that looks very much like manipulation. If this was any time except the holiday I WOULD find something to do. The holiday is non-negotiable.
"Okay, I will find someone
"Okay, I will find someone else to spend Christmas Eve with. Let me know when you will be home. Buh-bye." End of conversation.
And find somehting to do for Christmas Eve that YOU will enjoy. See how that tunes his behavior.
I am sorry you are having to deal with the interference of a dead XW. I could maybe see this as marginally reasonable if he was actually married to the woman when she passed. Maybe.
I had an interesting
I had an interesting conversation with my dad this AM. He has a long time friend that he served in the USMC with. They are both 76yo. The friend has an 82yo GF and they spend a ton of time together but live apart. They each have their own home, their own transportation and their own friends. That does not keep them from enjoying each other's company as well as living their lives to the fullest.
That has something to say for itself I think. Particularly when one or the other person may have baggage that they are incapable of managing to keep from interfering in the life of their SO.
I went through something
I went through something similar last year when my SO wanted to forgo our «tradition» of spending an intimate Christmas Eve together just the two of us. SD then 17 was scheduled to be with her mother and was supposed to celebrate with her mother's family, then we had her on the 25th for 2 weeks.
My SO was going to take SD17 on the 24th because she «didn't feel» like being with her mother's family. He had told her we would take her out on the town and entertain her, which was not what we had planned at all. It took a few conversations for my SO to see that it was wrong to disappoint me in order to please her, when we were getting her anyway the very next day.
I had to fight for it but SO finally saw my POV. I hope your does too!
And of course, it's even
And of course, it's even worse for you, as your DH is planning on leaving you ALONE on that evening, which is totally unacceptable.
Replies
WOW! Thanks for the amazing support. I was hoping for a little but y'all are over the top. I am talking to him tomorrow night and your replies reinforces all of my feelings... also gives a little "kick" in the confidence department too.
I'm so glad I found this site and plan to spend more time here. Thanks!
I'd compromise. He can leave
I'd compromise. He can leave earlier than he planned to deliver his daughter at her grandmother's, go in , eat a few cookies and a cup of coffee ,wish them all a good evening and a Merry Christmas and be home by 7pm.
You're willing to give an hour. Spend the hour getting the table set for your special dinner and last minute pampering yourself (relax with a glass of wine).
If he still insist on the 8:30-glass of thing ... book your room at the nicest hotel in the area (on his credit card,of course) assuring it has room delivered dinner, champagne and a hot tub. If you're going to spend Christmas eve alone, might as well spend it in style pampering yourself. He can arrive home to no dinner and an empty house.
Ha, ha. Well, the daugher
Ha, ha. Well, the daugher works until 4pm and wants him to drive her and stay for a couple hours. She has her own car btw.
So, yes the compromise will be brought up.
If I do have find my own things to do, that's not a problem in this big city but I'd prefer to have our tradition.
Thanks again!
I would tell him if his DD
I would tell him if his DD has her own car, he is enabling her by being her driver. He may feel he needs to coddle her because of the tragic way her mother died, but she is an adult and he needs to treat her like the adult she is.
Enabling adult children does them no favors.
DH and I had an episode a few years back regarding the holidays and since then it is clear that a married couple spends the holidays TOGETHER. His princess DD wants everyone to go to her place to pay homage to her and her children and the roads do not go the other way. The enabling has stopped.
Past experience
Not this year, but the year before, I suggested that DH let SD22 (20 then) take an uber/lyft from the train station to our house so he wouldn't have to leave us for the 1+ hour round trip. DH lost it! He went off on me about how I was irrational, cold, and cruel... that he would never suggest we ever do that to ANY of our family members, especially during the holidays. DH rarely reacts that way, but clearly this was not a fight I was going to win.
Remember what's important to you, and what your goal is. Boundaries are so incredibly important... best of luck in being able to communicate effectively and for your DH to be receptive!
What is wrong with
What is wrong with someone taking an Uber or taxi from a train station or airport? You didn't suggest hitchhiking or strapping her to a donkey! Isn't that just something that adults do?
Thank you!
Exactly what I was thinking! SD22 had NEVER taken an uber/lyft and still didn't have her license yet so she couldn't drive herself at that time. But come on! She was an adult! Chronologically at least lol. My DD was 15 then, so I used her to show my DH that it was fine. I had DD take a lyft to my parents' home later that evening so DH would be forced to focus on DS2 while I was working, and not pawn him off on my DD15. I also had DD spend the night at my parents so he couldn't force her to watch DS when he "had" to drive SD20 to the train station at 0500 because heaven forbid she take some form of taxi that didn't involve DH. Our son HATED the car, and is still NOT a morning person. Needless to say, last Christmas Eve SD finally drove down and back on her (she got her license a mere months before my DD got hers, and they're 5 years apart!), and DH said she needs to figure out transportation on her own lol.
Lol. I would fly across the
Lol. I would fly across the world unaccompanied when I was 15yo.
These coddling ball/less parents and their adult sized infants make me wanna puke. *bad*
Exactly! My parents were
Exactly! My parents were divorced and once I was an adult, I was able to take a taxi form the airport to get to his place, Sheesh!
lol.
lol.
I take Uber or Lyft all the time to my mom's house if I want to go see her and a car isn't available. She only lives about 15 minutes away...but she works full time and helps care for a 94-year-old woman who is a long-time family friend.
My mom always gets perturbed with me for Ubering or Lyfting over. Tells me she could have easily come to get me and frets about the money I spent. My mom's not frail or anything...but I just don't want her spending an hour of her limited time picking me up and driving me home...30 minutes round-trip for her. I want her to have some time to relax. That matters more to me than the $20 or so I spend getting there and going home.
It's amazing to me that skids never think in these terms about their parents. At least not that I've seen. In skid world...parents exist to serve them and make their lives easier. It must have something to do with being from a broken family maybe? Online and in person...especially with dads...their kids think they're just there to give them attention, time, and $$$...even as adults. It's so weird to me as I would never dream of treating my mom this way (or my dad, if he was still alive).
She has her own car and
She has her own car and works but he has to drive her to granny's house? And then stay to what? Read "T'was the Night Before Christmas" before tucking her into bed in her footie pajamas when she is going to be back at your house the very next day? Give me a break. That screams of manipulation. Sugar plums are not dancing in her head. Thoughts of daddy having a romantic daliance with stepmommy with champagne and caviar in front of the tree have occurred to her and she is not having it.
Hmmm. My answer
I would GO. I am sure they expect you to sit home alone but why should you? You tell your husband that you will be happy to accompany him there. I don’t know about his ex MIL, but then SHE has a choice. She can say Ew....no thanks to the kids. Which means you and DH off the hook and get Xmas eve in peace. Or she and the SKids can realize that you are a united package deal.
Where you invited??
I am wondering if you were invited or were you just kind of left hanging? It sucks either way but I think it makes a huge difference if you were at least considered.