SHORT RECAP:
YSD finally made contact with DH after 2 years, only to surprise him with "I need you to co-sign on a car loan for 11.5k because I don't make enough money and BM doesn't have a job....", which he responded with "so you expect me to risk OUR CREDIT for you, when you haven't had anything to do with me for two years?!?!?!"

SOOOOOOOOOO, instead of me flipping out and getting all stressed out and yelling at him over the fact that with the FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) she's presently dumping on him, he'll eventually cave into her "demands" and co-sign the loan for her.....I decided to write him a letter. I used the very same tools he uses in life to base his decisions......LOGIC. Rather than have him get defensive, I'm getting him to realize what he does from here on out will define their relationship (if ever).

Now before some of you flame me for being "soft" with him, let me tell you, if I were to be brutally honest like I can be on here with all of you, it only backfires and blows up in my face, and I end up looking like the bad guy, and it truly affects whether we have a solid "team relationship", or one full of chaos (like the BM and the adult brats like, so they can break us down and destroy us).

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Dear DH;

You (and we) are doing the right thing, and I want you to know, your decisions and recently established boundaries with Katie will be far more of a benefit for your relationship with her in the long run and you WILL GET the "real reciprocal relationship" you desperately desire from her. - I love you - Janice

Emotional blackmail is a powerful form of manipulation in which people close to us threaten to punish us for not doing what they want. Emotional blackmailers know how much we value our relationships with them. They know our vulnerabilities and our deepest secrets. No matter how much they care about us, they use this intimate knowledge to win our compliance. Knowing that we want love or approval, blackmailers threaten to withhold it or take it away altogether, or make us feel we must earn it. If you believe the blackmailer, you could fall into a pattern of letting her control your decisions and behavior.

Blackmailers create a thick 'fog ' that obscures their actions. FOG is a shorthand way of referring to FEAR, OBLIGATION, and GUILT. Blackmailers pump up an engulfing FOG into their relationships, ensuring that we feel afraid to cross them, obligated to give them their way and terribly guilty if we don't.

Blackmail takes two: it is a transaction. Following clarity comes change. It's easy to focus on other people's behavior and to think that if they change things will be fine. The change has to begin with the blackmail target. Our compliance rewards the blackmailer, and every time we reward someone for a particular action, whether we realize it or not, we're letting them know in the strongest possible terms that they can do it again. The price we pay when we repeatedly give in to emotional blackmail is enormous. It eats away at us and escalates until it puts our most important relationships and our whole sense of self-respect (including the respect or lack thereof from the blackmailer) in jeopardy.

When you see other people trying to get their own way regardless of the cost to you, you're looking at the bottom-line of the emotional blackmailer. There is very little interest in compromise or conflict resolution.

Emotional blackmail flourishes in a cloud just below the surface of our understanding. Our judgment becomes hazy. In the midst of the FOG we're desperate to know: How did I get into this' How do I get out' How do I make these difficult feelings stop' When blackmailers pressure us, there is practically no time between feeling discomfort and acting to get relief.

You already know what needed to be done and are seeking validation rather than advice. That is, you want to hear from another that it is okay to stop caving in to your daughter's demands and force her to fend for herself. The reason you hesitate to end the manipulation is because of guilt. The one thing manipulators are good at is weaving a web of guilt to ensnare their victims and suck them dry. Once you understand all their tricks, you won't feel guilty about standing up for your rights.

First, stop giving in to your daughter's emotional blackmail. When she says, "If you don't help me pay my bills, I'll end up living in the street," then you say, "Not if you get another job." If she says, "If you don't help me, you're a terrible father, and I never want to see you again," then you say, "I'm sorry you feel that way, If you later change your mind, I'm always here to give you emotional support, but I will no longer act as a bank." When she says, "I can't believe you're so selfish. Don't you care about what happens to me?" then you say, "Of course I do. I love you. That's why I refuse to allow you to grow into a weak person, dependent on others. The more I cave in to your demands, the more I stunt your growth and encourage you to become a helpless victim. It's time for you to learn how to take care of yourself, and it's time for me to take care of myself and my wife."

Of course, your daughter is not a bad person. After all, we all cope with life in the best way we can at the time. She's just looking for the easiest way to meet her needs. She thought of asking you for help and based on past experiences that worked to manipulate you (guilt and emotional blackmail), she will continue doing so until you stop.

Once you force her to fend for herself, BOTH of you will be surprised by the progress she makes.

To strengthen your resolve to do the right thing, consider the negative consequences of not acting and the positive consequences of acting. First, let's look at some of the negative effects of continuing to give in to your daughter's unreasonable demands.

1. As long as your daughter leeches off you, she is failing to take responsibility for her life and as long as you cave in to her demands, you are failing to take responsibility for your life. This is not a dress rehearsal. We have only one chance at life. The time to do the right thing is now.

2. As long as you give in to her demands, you are enabling her. That is, you are encouraging her to remain a victim, rather than become a victor.

3. As long as the situation remains unchanged you will not be able to respect and admire your daughter or yourself.

4. She doesn't respect and admire herself.

5. She is growing increasingly helpless.

6. The situation is stressful and has a negative impact on your family's mental and physical health.

7. The situation is ruining your relationship with your daughter.

8. If the situation is left unabated, negative emotions such as resentment, frustration, anger, and hostility can lead to a serious rift.

9. If you don't look after yourself, who will? It's important to learn how to set up boundaries.

10. If you allow your adult daughter to depend on you to get by, what will she do when you and your wife are no longer around? How will she survive?

Now, let's focus on some of the benefits of standing up for yourself.

1. When you start acting assertively, besides cutting stress and ending negative emotions, you will develop courage and gain control over your life.

2. You will develop pride and respect for your daughter as she learns to cope for herself.

3. Your relationship will heal.

When rejecting your daughter's pleas for handouts, keep in mind three points. First, be empathetic. That is, let her know you understand how she feels. Second, explain the problem clearly –this is HER responsibility. Third, explain what is expected, and provide some alternate solutions.

I'll end with two more points. First, as I wrote earlier, the chief weapon of a manipulator is GUILT. But if you must feel guilty, feel guilty about encouraging your daughter to become helpless. Refuse to cave in to her demands, not for your own convenience, but for her own good.

Finally, the second favorite tool of the manipulator is persistence. That is, they keep making demands, wearing you down, until you finally give in. So, to successfully break free, you must be equally persistent, never backing down, until they finally get the message. It may take time, so please be patient.

______________________

DH~

For now, you've done everything you can. You've advised her, you've offered your time and wisdom, you've done a lot of research in the hopes that she will come around and contact you for mentoring assistance. The ball is once again in her court. You pretty much now need to patiently wait for a response in the hopes that she is willing to compromise and work with you on alternate solutions, and go from there. I wouldn’t keep pushing it, or she’ll assume she’s found another weakness or soft-spot in you that she can manipulate, and the vicious cycle will start all over again. She’s being silent for a reason, and without you having a chance to speak with her directly, you can not assume how or why. If she doesn’t respond, there WILL BE another day and another opportunity for you both to try again.

END
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FELLOW STEPTALKERS........all of you AND I KNOW, YSD is silenced, because she's playing the emotional blackmail game again with DH. Hold out long enough to make him suffer enough, and he'll eventually cave into her demands. She's SURE she can manipulate him again. It's only a matter of time, and he'll break down.

I've just positioned myself at the head of the table with DH, and after sending this letter, he will be stronger than her resolve, and either she'll have to put her big girl panties on and behave like an adult, or simply, she'll just fade away, because he's not going back to being their door mat. He said so directly to me himself.