Over the weekend, DH dropped a bomb on me. ----He wanted "us" to invite his brothers and SIL's (the non-supportive-lynch-mob-SD/BM-ass-kissing side) over with the rest of the family (the supportive-do-not-want-to-get-in-the-middle-of-our-business side) this summer for a big "fun family" BBQ. ---I about hit the roof. There is no way in hell those demon SIL's are stepping one ugly foot in my front door, NO, NOT EVER!!!!!

So, DH "rewards me" with behaving like a 2-year old and throws a temper tantrum ---he grabs a beer, stomps outside, and completely ignores me for a few hours. ---emotional blackmail to the core ---cut off his emotional side to me to 'punish me' for not going along with HIS plan. NICE. ---and I wonder where my snot-nosed self-absorbed SD's got the EMOTIONAL BLACKMAIL TRAINING from???? hhhmmmm

Whatever. I'm not taking his bullshit anymore. ---like some have posted on here ---there's just something missing/empty with our relationships to our SO's ---a complete lack of respect is at the top of the list for sure....

I've arrived at a time in my life and our relationship where disrespect from others --family and/or friends, just isn't going to fly in my world anymore.

So since he refused to speak to me about the subject, I decided to send him an email to get my point across that they are NOT AT THIS TIME or ANYTIME SOON welcome in our home...this is paraphrased:

EMAIL TO DH:
"......Just even trying to wrap our heads around and understand the present dynamics is baffling to say the least...In the big picture, all those MINOR “individual events” (we had with your daughters) accumulated into a track record of intentional, nasty bullying, relational aggression (tag-teaming extended family members), emotional blackmail, invading our privacy, butting into our business, entitlement, and an assumed license to screw with me and my marriage at will. We are up against OTHER ADULTS (your ex-wife, your SIL ~Attila the Hun) in the picture who have been far too eager to train your daughters that your wife is a moron, and you are an idiot whom they do not have to listen to, and you are a chump who writes checks. Your daughters have been trained to dictate. And if you upset them, they run back to the women who trained them---their mother & SIL. So these pieces are what contribute to our DYSFUNCTIONAL situation. Whether or not they ever understand how distasteful, inappropriate, disrespectful and selfish their behavior HAS BEEN, is NOT my goal. Staying away from their behavior is my goal.

....My step-in-laws aren't my family anymore than I am theirs. So for me, it's no longer about wanting to be accepted into their family. I have my own family. It's about what behaviors I find tolerable and what I don't. I expect to be treated with respect, like every human is entitled to be treated. I don't expect to be treated with rude behavior, whether to my face or behind my back. If they can't figure that out, I have no desire to have anything to do with them. My goal is complete apathy and indifference. I am far less eager to befriend them, and my silence sends them a message that I am through being their patsy, their scapegoat, their whipping post. ---AND it has become more difficult for them to outright show me their disrespect, because that level of familiarity with me is now gone. I am completely removed from their lives. I am doing what is absolutely in my own best interest. I am not being selfish, I need to preserve my own physical, mental AND EMOTIONAL HEALTH. Nothing is going to change for ME here, unless I change it.

...I will never again allow anyone to assault my dignity and my self-respect in my home again. The ones who believe they are somehow entitled to determine who is not deserving of respectful behavior, are usually in need of a dose of reality, humility and introspection.

...So, you are not presenting a fair proposition. All things are NOT created equal. Inviting your hostile SIL over (along with your brothers) for a “great big fun family get-together” this summer is a setup because I can not trust all the parties in attendance not to screw with me. I do not have THAT trust. I have NOTHING to base ‘TRUST’ on. We’ve extended the olive branch over a year ago. ---We wrote letters of apology for the MINOR infractions we committed, with ZERO response. ---NO forgiveness, NO phone call, NO text, NO invitations to Christmas dinner with the family ---you name it---we’ve not been included in anything since our attempts at mending fences. The ball has been in their court for WELL over a year now, and nothings changed, because “the nothings” have changed. None of them have ever taken responsibility for their part at all. They are the victims. They have excuses for their behaviors. They justify their bullshit. I don't care about that either. Hence, there is NO reward in this deal for me, ONLY RISK.

...IF and when you have spent some time with your brothers, and have re-established your relationship with them, and bring me good news that they WANT peace with us, and you convince me that your family has had a serious change of thinking, that their demeanor is of humility, kindness, forgiveness and caring, than I will decide if I want to be around them. They no longer get to automatically excuse all of their behavior because they are “blood family” and I am not. (AND I ASSURE YOU ---your SIL is no more “blood family” than I am). Every human on this planet deserves to be treated with respect. If they can't do it, then I can absolutely continue to have them out of my life. For now these people are dead to me, at least until they are ever able to grow up. And that's a BIG IF. Life is too short to put up with haters, whether they are blood relatives or not."

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So........DH's response..........He was frustrated, but respectful. DH is always in a hurry to slam everyone together and force the "big happy family" down everyone's throats. ---unfortunately, he's the only one in the boat.

GOOD NEWS IS:

I got my point across. We are not having the in-laws over this summer. ---although I burst his big dream balloon, and he accused me of being "black and white" (---I get that a lot )----I got the respect I deserve from my DH.

Keeping toxic people out of MY life and OUR marriage, and DH respecting MY BOUNDARIES with his family (regardless of HIS relationship with them) ---that's all that really matters.

It's just so damn frustrating when they FORGET we are DISENGAGED!!!