Oh, you are in it hip deep! I have alot of sympathy for you. But,only you can decide where the line is. A new home is a great start. But, my guess is that you're very very apprehensive regarding just how great it will be. There really have to be clear cut defined rules.

And, you're so right about your husband. My family is three solid generations deep on coddling, spoiling and destroying the success of man-boys. It's rampant in society. They scream, kick, cry, wimper, smile, charm and terrify you out of every penny and nerve that you have.

His ability to bail these boys out of trouble is a total curse. If he had no means to fix their shit, they would stop getting into shit! I wonder about some people. When do they think the switch of responsibility will flip up? Nothing changes...so nothing changes.

Girl, only you know what your sanity and peace are worth. I have a sister who's been married to a total ass for thirty three years. She is only forty eight! Every day I ask her if she's finished with it. She bitches about him and as soon as someone else agrees that it's hopeless she defends him. I know the routine. And I know that there's always more to the story }:)

Heres an idea. Make a list of what the marriage does for you? What's in it for you? What are the negatives, and what's the good and bad for hubby too? If all of your answers have dollar signs, well you know.

Best of luck to you. Hopefully that hubby will salvage what's left of his last boy. It can be done. I know, I have two that are 19 and 22. Awesome, awesome men. But I hated their guts just a few years ago. The only difference is that I cut them off. With love.

Yes. Space would give you sanity and peace. Jeez, take it all back. Men have a really bad habit of taking things from us and then leading us to believe that it's normal. They will seperate us from society so we can remain in ignorance. Then as soon as we act like we're going to rebel, they toss a bone. (new home) You need to go see a good lawyer I think. Please do something, anything. And that pain is mental pain that's manifesting itself in physical ways. My sister came to stay with me for two months. She mysteriously became cured of all her chronic pain and ailments. It will really kill you. Those girls deserve a vigorous mom who can chase after them. Not a depressed, hopeless old woman. You can do this.

Please let go of your steps. Just not caring whether they thrive or even survive will help. It's not worth caring if they fail or if they succeed now that they are grown. I'm sure your therapist is telling you the same thing. Don't worry if they like or respect you - you are your own person and their opinion does not count.

No they will not ever change. Quit expecting the impossible. Obviously your husband cares for you on some level or he would not still be around. You do not need him to acknowledge their bad behavior. Don't try to get him to admit how bad they are. It is hard for men to admit that they have fathered worthless sons.

But do keep them away from your twins.

Twinmom65

You are not alone trust me and there a a lot of us on this site who will read your post and say, yep I know what she means.

Will it end, will it ever go away, well won't say it will never go away, but the only way it will go is if either you or your husband to something to change it.

My husband like yours found every excuse in the book and then some to defend his children, well I say children but they were in their 20's when I met them and they are horrid. The daughter freely admits she would like to seperate us and see us both dead, now, she means it, truly means it and her BF came her one day with the sole purpose of warning DH that he feared for my safety, he felt that my husband's daughter his GF was capable of really hurting me...........DH thinks he's a liar. So, no need to worry about my safety her BF is just an idiot as opposed to his daughter who as serious mental health issues trust me.

There is no point in re hashing it all, but if it happened to you, then it has probably happened to me also, my life was hell for 8 years. Then she had a baby, born with the sole purpose of coming between DH and myself, that for me was the last straw I could not take anymore. Without going into all the details it has ended up with me banning her from my home forever and I do mean forever. At the moment DH sees none of his 3 children and none of his 3 grandchildren the youngest two grandchildren he has only seen once when they were born and they are now around 7-8 months old. Is he happy, well to be truthful I don't give a shit.

I never wanted this, I wanted a happy blended family, together we have 6 adult children all in their 30's now, and there was no need for this ever to have come about, but for his NPD daughter and my husband's constant and consistent failure to ever say one single word to her about her appalling treatment of him, let alone of me. I am as a human being naturally sorry he has no contact with his children, but I have also recognised that he was allowing his children to completely destroy my self esteem, to destroy my confidence, to take away my sense of self and any pride I had in mysself, he was allowing them to cause me to suffer anxiety attacks, sleeplessnes, and for 6 months I was unable to recover from a chest infection, I was also hospitalised for a short while for basically what amounted to stress. Over the last 8 years I have been a physical and emotional mess.

Last June after the baby fiasco I banned her from my home forever and was by then more than happy for DH to go with her. I too am not young, but I have no young children to worry about so that I guess made it a bit easier to let him go. However at this stage he has not gone, but I do not think it is all over, I am sure it will raise it's ulgly head again, and the moment it does, he will be gone, because I will never, never allow him to treat me this way again, I will not sit back and allow him to put his children ahead of me, and by his silence encourage his adult children to humilate and abuse me. That life I am done with.

I guess you have to come to a place where you think the impact on you, your health and your children (my children are all adults, and they saw what I was going through, this is not good), yours being younger will suffer more, however, as I said, you will in your own time get to that place where you would rather live in the street than put up with this.

You have (as I did) acted like a doormat, you have put up with this, you have never really stood up for yourself and told him your kids are out never to come back and if you don't like it go with them. You as I said have been a doormat and let them all wipe their feet on you, (as I did), everyone needs a doormat, they really come in handy, but, how many people do you know who LOVE a doormat.

Your husband like mine will probably never change, therefore the only way your life is going to change is for you to change it. You will need to say enough, you will need to say, never again in my house, and the new house would be a perfect time if you can muster the strength by then.

The illness you and I and others in our position have are a direct result of this turmoil in our lives, if you do not change this, you may not be around for those twins, and you do not want that, they do not deserve that.

You really only have to deal with one person here, there really is only one person in your life that is causing you all of this grief, and that person is DH. Sort him out and you sort out the SK's. Your DH has not supported you, and by his failure to stop his children from abusing you he has helped them to abuse you.

It truly is not worth it, it makes us too ill. I hope you can find the strength to stand up for yourself and get the SK's not only out of your home but out of your life. You really would be far better physically, mentally and emotionally better off alone than living in this hell.

Just noticed you are only 46, far to young to be living with this shit. You have a long way to go yet and you are really although it does not feel like it in the prime of your life. I know I was 46 once, I thought I was middle aged, I am almost 60 now, I wish I had those "young" years I wasted thinking I was middle aged back. If I can do this at 60 and it is scary, you can change yourself at 46, we are all pulling for you.

I have to run, so my comments are short!

But - I would not count on them EVER changing. All you can do is stick up for you, make your life good. It is not easy. People rarely ever change.

Now how to do that? That's a much longer comment...and I am in the throes of it myself. First step though for me was to NOT count on them for a damn thing and start picking my self esteem out of their teeth...taking it BACK.

My adult children have more love and respect for my DH in their little finger than all three of his do put together, because none of his have an ounce of respect for him at all. He sees this, he knows this, and he at every opportunity will point out what he perseves to be flaws in my children ie:

He had prostate cancer a couple of years ago and underwent surgery, his son and daughter came into the hospital on the night of the surgery when he was pretty much unconscious, and had Friday night drinks by his bedside. His oldest son rang the next day and asked if he wanted him to visit in the hospital DH said no, so he didn't, the daughter rang an hour or so later, same question, same answer NO you don't have to come in...So they didn't. My youngest was in another State she rang him every day, my son was working interstate, and he rang every other day, my oldest lives in Melbourne and she came in every day and dragged a 8 month old and a 2 and a half year old with her.

Husband says some 4 weeks later X (eldest daughter's husbad) who was at our home that day, didn't even ask me how I was feeling. HE HAD NOT HEARD ONE WORD FROM HIS KIDS THIS WHOLE TIME AND HE POINTED OUT THAT MY SON IN LAW HAD NOT ASKED ON THAT ONE DAY HOW HE WAS FEELING.

Yes, I pointed it all out, his kids had not bothered to come to the hospital, had not visited and had not even telephoned over the last 4 weeks,neither had his father, his sisters or his cousins, neither had anyone from work but you feel the need to say this because this one time X who was here doing work around our house for you after working all week and who should have been home doing work on his own home forgot to ask this one time.

Nothing has changed he still feels the need to look for flaws, I think the name for it is JEALOUSY.

Well if that is exactly what is going on at your house too, then it must be YOUR fault because my husband thinks it's all my fault, your's thinks it your fault, they both can't be wrong.

I don't think you should go to the graduation either. I think you should take a giant step back from the lot of them.

On a positive side for you, at least your DH has apoligised for what he has said to your kids, mine denies it.

Quick story my youngest at the age of 27, who was by the way living in her own home which she almost ownes outright, and has never asked us for a penny, came home one day and announced she was pregnant. Yes I did beat her within an inch of her life Anyway, she came here with her boyfriend 6 weeks off their planned engagement and in tears announced she was having this baby. My DH grabbed his cigarettes and stormed out. My daughter was devasted, she and I discussed it, she said she and her BF wanted to keep the baby, and I said okay then, that is all that matters. I brought DH back inside and tried to discuss it calmly. His response to me was, I don't see how you can chuck a party over this. Fast forward they go ahead with the engagement and decided to move the wedding up as they both wanted the baby to be born into a family that all shared the same surname...their choice. My DH was asked to give her away, he did so all good. The very next day she and her husband came to pick us up as by this time they had moved interstate and we had gone up for the wedding. They took us to lunch, and my husband said to my daughter, well I am not ashamed to stand next to you now as you are wearing a wedding ring. She and I, her new husband thankfully stayed out of it, said our peace.

FF another 6 months and DH father of the year gets a phone call from his daughter, not a visit, a phone call on his birthday, and let me tell you, this is the very first time in her life she has ever remembered his birthday, and she says happy birthday dad, I am pregnant. NOT MARRIED ENGAGED FOR 5 YEARS living with the boyfriend, pregnant and not even the decency to come around and tell dad to his face, no a phone call and she lives 5 minutes away. DH upon me saying, well that will teach you to say things about other people's daughters, how do you feel now, says, well, that is what young people do now. End of story.

In a conversation that took place weeks later and my shameful, sinful daughter who got pregnant because she had the morals of an alley cat was present the subject came up and I brought up this business of him saying in front of her husband the day after she was married.....now I can stand next to you.... He, says, I never said that. My daughter was, here her husband was here, we all said, "yes you did" and to this day he still denies it.

That is how he has handled every single situation where he has insulted one of my children, or me for that matter. According to him, he is one of natures' gentlemen and has never said a word or done a thing out of place. He flat out denies every single thing. Now I can only assume there is not enough room in his memory bank to remember everything and it is full up remembering every single slight against one of his kids, like the time his brother in law ate the last crumpet in the house and his eldest son who was 2 couldn't have one for breakfast, eldest is now 36, but daddy STILL remembers that, so as I said, his memory bank is too full up remembering those things to have room enough to remember how much he has hurt people.

Two of my daughters are married, both of their husbands came to us and asked permission to marry. His daughter, well he got a phone call one day saying "I'm engaged". How has the more polite, caring, well balanced children, he does. Mine are all bad, just ask him.

I sincerely hope you think this thing through and do something to change your situation. Nothing is worse than living like this, and the longer you take it, the longer it will go on. He will tell you one thing and his kids another and he will keep this going for as long as you let him away with it.

You absolutely need to do what you need to do, and do it in your own time. No one can tell you when you should make your move. Those of us who have been there, done that can tell you exactly where it is all going, and I suspect even you know the new house is not going to fix anything, along with the furniture you will take the problems, same shit, different location. That being said, you do need to to whatever it takes to make YOU feel better and you have to make a decision about how to deal with things in your own time.

All I would say as I have said before is this: He will not change, they will not change, and in order for things to change, someone has to make a move. If you all keep doing the same stuff, and handle these issues the same way, you will get the same result. So, given that you cannot expect any change from them, why should they change, they are getting what they want out of this, you are the only who has a problem with it all, so YOU will have to change. That is not to say, you have to leave your DH, but you will have to set boundaries for yourself, and standards that you will or will not accept in your home, and it is your home. DH may have to meet his children elsewhere if that makes you happy, but he, no one can, make everyone happy all the time, so as his wife he needs to make YOU happy, he needs to give you a break from all of this. If he refuses to meet you at least half way on this, and I hate to say it, but don't hold your breath, then you will need to think long term.

Ultimately we have suffered and are suffering abuse, mental abuse, emotional abuse and verbal abuse. If your daughter were living in this situation, even your son who had a wife who treated him as you are being treated, what would you advise them to do. If your child felt as miserable as you do right now, what would you tell them. I pray that you will find the strength to stand up and make a change for yourself sooner rather than later. The longer it takes you to stop this craziness, the harder it is to stop it because it takes away your confidence and your self esteem. I wish you all the very best and I sincerely mean that. Read some posts on steptalk, you will find your situation over, and over, and over, and over again. So at least you know it is not you and you are not alone with this crap. Good Luck.

When I refused to go to SD's house some two weeks after she had the baby because the night we saw baby in the hospital was the straw that broke the camels back for me. She believed she had delivered not only a baby but a trump card, she let it all hang out that night. So two weeks after the birth SD ringss DH at work, he calls me and states (not asks) we are going out tonight the evil bitch from hell who wants you dead (oh, no that's not true sorry), he used her name but I can't it sticks in my throat now anyway she wanted him (he said us) to go around and see the trump card, and I said, no, never again will I allow myself to be treated like that. I tell him you ring evil bitch from hell (lying again, sorry), and tell her, no more I will not come to her home and be treated the way she treats me. DH says, you can't talk to her I'll ring the BF, as you can see my husband is not in the least afraid of his daughter. So, he rings BF and BF says, SD will continue to treat me anyway she wants, nothing is going to change, and DH needs to respect the feelings of his children. Further to that if DH wants to see his grandchildren then he will have to leave me.

DH and SD continue to communicate via phone during working hours despite what has just been said and DH does nothing about it, except play happy families with her. More stuff goes down when she involves sick 88 year old FIL and causes more trouble. Ultimately this led me to say to DH, look your daughter has made it clear she will never accept me as part of the family, she will never accept our marriage, and she would sooner stick forks in her eyes than be part of my family, she has made it clear that it is me or her. I will never go back to putting up with this so you can talk to your daughter, so, you need to decide where you want to live, not where you will be the happiest because you will never be happy anywhere now, not with me, not alone and not wth daughter, but you do need to make a decision because I will not put up with you living here and being angry with me because I will not take your daughter's shit.

To date he is here, can I guarantee he will be here next month, NO. The less contact he has with her the more settled and happy he is, but he is not happy. Who would be never seeing your children or your grandchildren. However, I have come to realise this:- He and he alone created this mess, he lied to me, he lied to his kids, he told me one thing and them another. He failed to teach his children even the most basic of manners please and thank you, hell my grandchilren could say ta and make a noise like please when they were months old, but worse than failing to teach them manners, he felt they did not have to have manners, they did not have to say please and thank you to anyone if they didn't want to. He taught them to be rude, arrogant, selfish, greedy self centered people and that is all falling back on him now. As a human I feel sorry, as his wife, I feel sorry, but I feel no shame or guilt, any shame or guilt should be and I beleive is fairly and squarely on my husbands shoulders. Where it belongs, he has done tremendous damage to his relationship with myself, my children, his family and his evil brood and he needs to suffer the consequences of that NOT ME.

I am only 7 month sinto this and have a long way to go, if he left next week or next month I would be terribly hurt I know that, but I also know I would survive because my choices are, put up with being abused by him and his children or make a life of my own. A life of my own with confidence and self respect are much more appealling thank you.

I will not say I do not love my husband, because if I did not have some love for him I would have been gone long ago, but I will say this. He was estranged from this lot when I met him, and I fell in love with a man that clearly I have not lived with for years, he was the love of my life, my soul mate a man I looked up to and respected. Now, yes I care, I do not wish to see him hurt, but I no longer look up to him, I have seen weaknesses in him that I do not admire, I certainly do not love him in the same way I once did and unfortunately (well maybe not) I never will, but then again that unconditional love I once gave him allowed him to get away with all of this for years, it was only when that blind love died that I saw what he was doing to me, so perhaps falling out of love with him that way is a good thing. As for respect, well I treat him with as much respect as I would any other human being, even a stranger, but he does not have the respect he once did from me and why should he, he sat back and by his silence was taking part in and encouraging his children to abuse me. He did not care if they hated me, in fact it suited him for them to hate me, that way he tought that meant they loved him....Weird, weird, weird.

I thank God, for one particular poster on this site who messaged me privately one day, and for the people on this site who by their posts have helped and encouraged me, for the strength that I have now acquired. For the friendships I now have from other people on this site. For my friend in Utah who I found on this site, so many wonderful people who have helped me save my sanity, who have helped me regain my sense of pride and my confidence, who have helped me see I was not wrong in this.

I am now planning my future, getting my little ducks all lined up in a row, starting to put money aside for me, for my future and planning for a happier life, with or without him, doesn't matter now. I have the strength to go it alone. With him, if he can respect me and treat me as his wife not as his cleaner, with him if he comes to the realisation that I was not born and bred to be a punching bag or a doormat for his precious off spring, with him if he wakes up and becomes a happier man in himself. Without him if he doesn't, but he does not get to call the shots any longer, I am no longer afraid of upsetting him, of getting him mad, and I no longer feel the need to put up with shit so he can speak to his kids.

You will get to this place, in your own time, I'll keep the kettle warm for you You'll love it when you get here.

Joint checking account? Banks open on Saturday? Get my drift?

Sandye21, I guess I am biding my time. My DH has his "moments" shall we call them too. I know that he gets mad sometimes for what seems to be no apparent reason, and I am sure that there is a reason, my kids come here and his don't. I love my kids, they are my children I carried them in my womb and fed them at my breast all for around 15 months each, I raised them by myself from 2, 6 and 8 until their 20,s. However no how much I love them, I would never, never allow them to treat anyone the way his kids treated me, let alone treat my DH like that. I WOULD SEE WHAT THEY WERE DOING AND I WOULD STOP IT DAY 1.

My youngest was here one day (22 at the time), she had broken it off a few weeks earlier with a chap she was seeing, and the next morning he killed himself. My daughter was in a very bad place. While she was here an elderly couple who were visiting their daughter down the road, popped in to say hello ( I knew this couple well), my daughter did not speak to them, did not say hello and when they left did not say goodbye.

As soon as I closed the door on that couple I said to her, I understand completely what you are going through and I hurt for you probably more than you hurt for yourself, however, you are never ever to treat anyone in my home the way you just treated that couple ever again. If you were not up to being social, fair enough, leave the room excuse yourself say you are not feeling well and leave the room, but I will not put up with you being rude to people in my home. I saw what she did, I understood she was in a great deal of pain, but I still did not accept her being rude to people. So, can you imagine if she was just plain rude because she wanted to be. I would never let it happen. I guess that is why I am so dissapointed and disgusted with DH.

I don't think there is anything we can do to change them, in fact I am convinced of that. But it doesn't matter to me now, because he killed something in me and now I see my feelings as coming first, I realise there is no compromising with DH or his family, there is no middle ground, no shades of grey, it is all their way or no way. So, as per the old saying, if you can't beat em, join 'em. That is what I am doing in this home, I am joining the "It's all about me club, the I want my own way, and I will not accept anything else' I find I have no trouble in doing that with DH now, something I have never done in my life with anyone and I am almost 60 now, I was not brought up to be a selfish brat, and my parents were alcholics, so if they can bring up selfless kids,who all had manners, why the hell couldn't DH. It's not that hard.

I find now that I have stuck up for myself here not only am I happier here (happier, not happy) but I am far more relaxed and happy in my relationships with friends and family too. So, it is lose, lose for him and win, win for me.

I have swapped the spark and unconditional love for confidence, self esteem and pride, I win he loses and he did it all to himself.

I have also noticed he has pulled back a bit from my grandchildren who adore him. Sure, when their parents are around he is all over the kids (gutless is the word I use for that), but when I have the kids here by myself, unless the kids talk to him, ask him to play, make the first moves with him, he just plays on his computer, these kids are babies, 18 months, 2 and almost 4 and he thinks it's okay to do this. It's okay to use them to punish me. He I believe thinks that if he cannot have his grandchildren here because of me, because I banned his daughter, then I should not have mine. HE still does NOT GET IT, the reason his children and grandchildren are not here, is not because of ME, but because his daughter made a decision to not accept me, not accept our marriage, to hate me before she ever met me, and to say she wants us seperated then dead, separated so he can see what is like to be left, just like he left her mum, then dead because she hates us, she is the one who did not want to be part of this family, she made all the decisions and she called all the shots, she bred a baby to get him away from me, and she then issued the ultimatium, if you want to see this child, leave your wife, and he punishes me through my grandchildren. Yeah right, way to go DH, that'll teach me a lesson, that'll make me love you more, that'll keep me.

I know I am binding my time, and as each day passes I know I am more in control here than he is. I am this year planning my future, saving for me and my future. Because you know what, waiting for them to change, to see who caused the trouble, is wasting your time.

I believe what is meant for you will not go past you, that things will happen in their own time. So, in the meantime, I have warned him to back off and treat my grandchildren the way they deserve to be treated, and to be honest, once he knew I knew what he was up to there he smartened up. But again he added to the list of things that disappoint me about him, and pushed me back another step, well a few steps there, who uses babies to get even with someone who did nothing to you, in fact to get even with someone YOU yourself hurt.

It will all be okay for me I know that, however, he whether he is with me or on his own, has ruined his life and prevented himself from being a very happy man. All I asked for Sandye21 before I finally banned her from my home for good, was for him to ask her to apologise, and he refused............So, here we are. What did I lose, a man who loved his daughter more than his wife, okay no big deal, what did he lose, a woman who adored him, who put him above all others, who pr-empted his needs and his wants, waited on him hand and foot, kept his home clean, had his meals on the table when he came home from work, treated him like he was some kind of God. I guess that was the trouble really, what I saw as loving him and wanting to make him happy above all else, I saw as a woman loving her husband, he saw as a master servant, or perhaps slave relationship, and he took advantage of it, so he lost it all, and I lost nothing.

It's called narcissistic personality disorder. If he can be arrogant enough, there's a shock and awe effect. Basically leaving you speechless. It's a defense mechanism of some people especially men. Sorry guys.

If I act as if I've done nothing wrong, she will question herself instead of me. Guilty is as guilty does, right? He's got it bad. Deep down inside, he knows that he's not being diplomatic. But he probably thinks that of all the people in the world, you love him the most. Because you care the most, you're least likely to leave him. That translates to you get the brunt of the shit that's rolling, unfortunately downhill on top of your pretty little head. The only reaction you can have with this type of person is to not explain anything and just walk away (leave him). He'll know you figured him out. OR CALL HIM ON HIS BULLSHIT. If you call him on it, you already know that he'll talk his way out of it, walk away and act like you're over reacting and unfair, selfish and demanding. After fifteen years of dishing shit out and you eating it, he has no reason to believe it won't be served up again and again. Been there, done that sister.

My husband is not the conversatin controller, has not a clue about reading people, but I have to say absolutely thinks he knows exactly what everyone else is thinking,feels and reacts accordingly, but as he has no clue what makes anyone tick that is why he always gets it wrong, and he does not control the money other than that it is him as I have always suspected. NPD and NPD daughter who because she was raised by an NPD and an only child very spoilt gimie, gimmie, gimmie mother has I think crossed the line and is a physcopath.

Just have to change my comment before about DH not controlling the conversation. That is not, now that I have thought about it true, when he is in the room, no one really has much of a conversation, he doesn't like to talk much so no one else gets to talk either. I have had many in depth discussions with family friends, hell, even an hour and a half on the fron lawn with the neighbours husband who had just returned from Afghanistan. Yet when I tried to engage my husband in that later that night, or in any conversation at all really.......nothing, therefore he doesn't want to converse, so nobody will converse = controlling the conversation, or lack of it Reading people as I said, he does do, but he is so bad at it, it is unbelievable, he has no clue how people think or feel, because he has no empathy at all, that is not sarcasm or nastiness, it is a sad fact, this poor man was born without empathy. Controlling the money is still in though and he will never get control of that. All our savings are in my name, the car is in my name, only the house is in joint names. Gonna have to work on the house

Just don't waste too much of your precious years. Revenge really is not as sweet as you'de imagaine. It's sort of an empty feeling, like you only tricked yourself. All the time, effort, money and energy into obtaining revenge...and all for what? Just don't be surprised when it doesn't satisfy you as you expect. I really doesn't. This is from one rightous woman to another, it just doesn't.

Then of course, if the sweet revenge is around the corner, not requiring a whole lot on your part? Well then.. }:)

Elizabeth7, When I read a post yesterday from secondwife64 about relational aggression (RA) this definitely describes what you and your Daughter have been going through. (I really had an epiphany after reading her post.) It is plain and simple bullying with the objective of excluding you and your daughter from their family group, clawing away at any self respect and to ultimately destroying you as human beings. I know - I've been there too. It is so unfair but you are right. To save your sanity and protect your daughter all you can do is separate yourself from them. The thing about bullies, no matter what the age, is when you are no longer in their lives they will find a replacement for you. The 'HATE' you mentioned really has a life of it's own, doesn't it?

TwinMom, my stepsons are 28 & 30. Their bio mom walked out on them when they were 2 & 4. I met their dad 3 years later. I was the one who mothered these boys and made sure they had a constant parental figure in their lives. Tehir mother had no interest until she found out another woman was in the picture and then came the claws and she did everything under the sun to get the boys to hate their father, me and my daughters.....it was very ugly and very obvious to me that this women cared nothing about her children, this was all about what she wanted of herself.

The boys were a handful and husband always wanted to please them and so was not a real strong figure. Infact, I think he thought I was unfair in some cases as I would be hard on them but no harder than I was with my bio children. I saw the boys as mine and I cared for them like my own sons. I think treating them differently woudl ahve been a mistake.

What happened though is that the boys knew how their mom felt about me, they could see the weakness in their father and so the blame fell directly on my shoulders. I given the biggest role of anyone to parent these children and told by my husband to make the decisions myself and then was not supported when I did, it was a cath-22 which left me feeling devalued, unheard and worthless. I was on anti-depressants a couple time, probabaly drank a littl too much at times to dull the pain.

A very bad sitaution broke out between stepsons and my daughters as they turned adults and all but one was on their own. This forced me to support my daughters and boy did I have my husband's whole family judging my every move and every word that came out of my mouth. As it turned out I seperated myself from husband's family as well as stepsons. Lots of rediculous, awful things were said, rumors flew about things I supposedly said and did that never took place.

The younger boy and I sort of mended our ways at one point but he had not stopped with his lies and I drew a line with him, this was only a couple years ago. He exploded and told us that we would never see his daughter or know her as our grandchild. He told us what terrible parents we were and have not heard from him since.

Husband and I have gone to couseling as a couple, and I spent 10 months in counseling on my own. What I can say is the counseling was the best thing we could have done. Counselor let us know that the boys were suffering from the abandonment they receioved from their mother leaving and that the things the boys did were typical of this. She told me to have absolutely nothing more to do with them as I could not do anything right in their book. I could ahve done everything by the book and been Mother Teresa but I would have still be marked as the bad guy because they could not face the reality of their situation. They wanted to believe their mom. She encouraged to try and keep contact with the boys to see if they would open their doors to him but helped him to realize he had no reason to feel guilty for the choices they made for themselves.

My health suffered from all I went thru. My husband and I nearly divorced more than once. As I look back now I would never have put myself what I endured had I know what was in store for me to get involved with a step family.

My advise to you is counseling as a couple so your husband can understand where you are coming from and you can both get some direction. I personally would wash my hadns of the boys completely. This is not about you and it is not your problem. Their behavior is about what they have endured and what they have been allowed to do but that doesn't mean they have the right to destroy your life.

My heart really aches for you.

It's great that you're in therapy with a wonderful therapist.

I think your husband was probably raised in an era where men didn't do much housework (inside, anyways) and didn't go to therapy. This could largely explain why he won't do housework or go to therapy with you.

What I do think you need to do is work with your therapist on developing an exit strategy for you and your kids. Like another poster said, if anything were to happen to you, your husband would wind up raising your kids. This would give him one more set of kids to screw up. You deserve to lead a happy life surrounded by people who love you, and your kids deserve to have the comfort of knowing that their mom is happy and healthy.

My best wishes go out to you.