blended family dysfunction
My wife and I have been married for just over 3 years. We have a son together (2yrs) and she has a son from a previous marriage who is 10 yrs. When we first moved in together after we were married, I noticed right away that my wife's emotional relationship with her son was a bit out of whack. She had given him all the control. Primarily because she felt guilty for her divorce. Guilty in how it affected him. She runs everything by him first, makes plans with him, then asks me if I want to come along...and if I don't want to, she accuses me of not being involved enough. Her child definitely calls the shots in the house, much to my displeasure. She never administers discipline and when I suggest it, I am accused of not liking her son. My wife is very emotional and not a communicator. This makes any change almost impossible.
I am no expert at relationships, but I do try to do everything I can to make her and her son feel secure and loved, but she consistently goes to her son to get her emotional needs met.
I am human and not perfect by any means. I have reacted by detaching myself, to some degree, from the situation. I know this doesn't help, but I don't know how to get through. We have gone to counseling, but the emotional dynamic between her and her biological son, I believe, will never change. I have rationalized my detachment as the lesser of two evils. When we are all together, the dynamic is so dysfunctional, that it is better to remove myself from the group and do my own thing (which is not ideal either). Kids can sense the slightest dysfunction between parents and I seek to minimize it, but I would rather have a healthy relationship with my wife and family. Discussing it with her is interpreted as dissent and all I get is defensiveness.
Help.
Thank you for the feedback. I
Thank you for the feedback. I agree with you that it is important that children be treated as children. I am not a shrink, but I do think, due to her divorce, she has seemed to turn to her son for emotional support - which is not healthy role for him to play as a child. Now that we have another son, her son seems a bit confused. It kind of seems like he is trying to act as a father figure to our toddler. It's very strange. My wife doesn't see (or refused to) any of the adverse affects that raising her son as an emotional equal is doing to him.
Is she guilt parenting the 2
Is she guilt parenting the 2 year old too? The rules should apply to both boys even with the age gap. I honestly don't know what to tell you except wish you luck. And at least you found us and you'll be able to vent away and see that you're not alone in this Stepparenting mess. Maybe one of our male posters can help you out. Rags? Draco?
Not that I can tell. Yes,
Not that I can tell. Yes, venting helps :O)
I also believe she is not
I also believe she is not dealing with her emotions and yes, I am frequently the bad guy in her eyes. This keeps me feeling like an outsider in my own home. She does have trust issues and this is part of the dynamic as well. The funny thing is (not real funny) that I am considered the dissenter because I don't join her in her dysfunctional parenting. The sad thing is, since I'm a bit detached (for my own sanity), she is even more distrustful. I agree, she does need to work this out (we do).
This sounds like emotional
This sounds like emotional incest. My sister in law has the same thing going with my father in law. Unfortunately it not only affects the kid as a kid, but it keeps them from having healthy adult relationships as adults.
Do a little internet research on this topic and think about bringing to your wife's attention how damaging this is to kids in the long run.
Yes. I agree with this too.
Yes. I agree with this too. The kid will suffer from being put in a situation he is not equipped for, that is, being my wife's emotional support person. I can see it all playing out before me, but I cannot seem to get through to her.
I did do some searching on
I did do some searching on this topic and this is exactly what it is. My wife is doing this to her son and ours. I believe this is the environment my wife grew up in and she is passing it down to our kids. I can already see the results beginning to appear in her son and I am desperate to keep it from happening to our son. Thanks for the info.
Thanks for all of the
Thanks for all of the insights.