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Need help with disengaging!!

luvu542's picture

Submitted by luvu542 on Sat, 02/25/2012 - 11:30am

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I want to try the "disengaging" technique...I've gotten to where I stay stressed out with my SD10 all the time. When doing this, do I totally let go all responsibility for her...do I go on about my business as if she weren't here??...It's gotten to the point where I just feel like I don't want to take care of her anymore. She lives with me...her dad..and my 9 yr old biological daughter. I also have a hard time letting things go. Things she has done in the past...ways she acts towards me...I can't get past it all........

Delilah's picture

Submitted by Delilah on Sat, 02/25/2012 - 2:15pm

Yes completely abstain from any and all responsibility - all except her safety.

Does your OH know he is now going to be in charge of his daughter and everything that comes with having her i.e. cleaning up after her, entertaining her, cooking for her, her laundry, ensuring she does her homework ect?

I think you need to forewarn him before hand and then let him get on with it. If your sd makes a mess for example in your kitchen then I communicate this nicely to OH "darling sd has made a mess in the kitchen. Can you clean it asap please...". If anything impacts on you regarding things she does, then let DH know sweetly without criticising sd - just present it as fact and let him get on with it.

If sd approaches you for something e.g. "SM can you cook me my favourite cake..do my laundry...take me to my friends...do x for my birthday..buy me x...give me a lift..." then your response should be "you need to ask your dad...", if OH isnt in the house then she has to wait until he comes home/has time for her regardless if this means she misses out on doing x or y. This is the consequence of her behaviour. If sd questions how unfair you are being/why you are being like you are or throws a fit because she has missed out on wearing her fave top, seeing her friend or her having to wait for dad means she cant do something as she needs an immediate response from an adult then tell her "sd, I am not doing these things for you anymore. I am tired of you disrespecting me. I dont like you when you act horribly as I know you are capable of better. I dont HAVE to do these things for you and in the past I choose to do these things because I care about you and want to have a good relationship with you. However relationships are two way streets, you cant and shouldnt expect to treat someone badly and then expect them to continue being lovely to you. Thats not how you would treat your friends, the same applies to me. So until you learn to respect me, treat me with courtesy and consideration, behaviour appropriately then you will continue to miss out from my time and effort. This is your loss."

Then walk away, do not engage if she screams/tantrums. Close the door and ignore - even if she follows you. If she escalates then ring DH and he needs to address her behaviour.

p.s. I wouldnt even babysit her if DH needs to go do something, he will have to take her with him. Not your responsibility.

luvu542's picture

Submitted by luvu542 on Sat, 02/25/2012 - 3:45pm

It makes me feel bad for wanting to do that, but what you're telling me to do sounds soooo good to me!!! Her dad and I have been married for about 4 years now...her BM is not in the picture at all...and I think I have just gone way too overboard with assuming the "mom" role this whole time. She just goes from one extreme to the other...she can have such a nasty attitude towards me and my BD and then turn around and try being all affectionate and sweet with me. What burns me up is how she is to her dad when he comes home...and he has no idea how it was 5 min ago towards me. He is very well aware of the problems now and I have told him I need to back away and he'll have no choice to to step up with her.