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uninvolved partners

12yrstepmonster's picture

Submitted by 12yrstepmonster on Thu, 02/09/2012 - 10:05am

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General Discussion

As I was reading posts the one thing I keep wondering. Do we prevent our partners from being involved with their kids?

I grew increasingly tired of last miniute notification of events. Soon dh stopped going if he received the info late.

I was tired of all the running between skid town. Not because I didn't want them to go to friends houses. But because we simply didn't have the gas money,

I was tired of all the emails creating drama.

Dh was too. But once I quit participating and caring if skids are a part of my family his relationship suffered

DeeDeeTX's picture

Submitted by DeeDeeTX on Thu, 02/09/2012 - 10:12am

In some cases, yes the partners would step up if we got out of the way. In other cases, it is only our involvement that is keeping them involved, and if we stepped back, nothing would ever get done.

not2sureimsaneanymore's picture

Submitted by not2sureimsanea... on Thu, 02/09/2012 - 10:23am

I'm so sorry I was laughing when I was reading this--how can someone, unless they're holding a gun to their partner's head, prevent them from being involved with their kids by NOT being a maid, chauffer? That's the funniest paradox I've read in a while. What would they have done before their partners came into the picture then?

We are not enablers, not instigators, not mediators and have NO RESPONSIBILITY as such.

DeeDeeTX's picture

Submitted by DeeDeeTX on Thu, 02/09/2012 - 10:35am

If I don't arrange activities, DH doesn't do it. It's like his brain doesn't think that way or he's lazy, or something....I don't know. So after I stopped arranging activities, I noticed the quality time has gone down a lot. W/E.

Disneyfan's picture

Submitted by Disneyfan on Thu, 02/09/2012 - 10:40am

These dads are adults.

They don't get to blame their SOs for the choices they make.

My refusing to attend a SD event shouldn't keep DF from going. Those are his kids not mine.

12yrstepmonster's picture

Submitted by 12yrstepmonster on Thu, 02/09/2012 - 11:02am

I do think a partners attitude can affect a person.

My husband is a great father to our daughter. Highly active in most things.

But she's ours - my attitude towards his kids is different now than 12 yrs ago. He knows how I feel. That has to effect him some way. It would me. If my dh checked out of a part of me I would have to question our relationship.

I do only what dh NEEDS me to do because I am his partner in ALL aspects of his life.

duct_tape's picture

Submitted by duct_tape on Thu, 02/09/2012 - 11:43am

Fake incompetence and watch a woman pick up your slack? I call my husband on that one and he laughs and gets up off his butt. He knows he's guilty. }:)

my.kids.mom's picture

Submitted by my.kids.mom on Thu, 02/09/2012 - 12:11pm

As a bm, whose exh does not have a gf or wife, I can tell you that the decision to attend an event of a child is directly proportional to the other plans he may have at the same time. Or, sometimes sleep is more important. So it's about how much the father wants to be a part of his children's lives. Now I do know that a new gf or wife can magically make the father start caring about his kids and showing up for events. You know...the SuperDad phenomenon to make themselves look good for the new woman? Yeah...

hismineandours's picture

Submitted by hismineandours on Thu, 02/09/2012 - 1:38pm

I get what you are saying. My dh goes to all events and does all the appropriate dad things with MY/OUR kids-becasue I make sure and direct him to go (yes I tell him what to do), remind him, drive him there when necessary, etc-all the guy has to do is show up. That sounds awful-i've got to admit there are times he goes way above and beyond-I "encouraged" him to volunteer for MY son's 7th grade class. He ended up being a chaperone on a campout with 15 boys in a cabin. I suggested and he took it on-so he does get some credit there. LOL!

However, I dont really encourage him to do anything for ss. I did at one point, years ago, but it seemed he took it poorly, I disengaged in general at some point, so now I dont worry about that. He does not know anything about what the kid does at all. At one point i heard he signed up for band. I'm not sure he actually ever did-because dh never checked into it or followed up. He signed up for basketball-just found out he quit last weekend. He is talking about signing up for baseball. My mil gives NO information on school trips, events, extracurriculars-nothing. And my dh does nothing to obtain the info on his own (I have suggested he call school, etc), nor does my ss, who at almost 14 is old enough to share himself, say anything about it. If I was "in charge" of ss-I would know ALL this info about it-I'd share it with dh, suggest things for him to do, etc and help facilitate it.

I think the other factor at this point, is dh knows I am not interested in going to ss's extra's, I'm not interested in giving him a ride, etc so if dh goes and participates it will be without his wife and other kids. He could possibly go with my mil, but he doesnt seem interested in this either.

While i understand this dynamic, I dont use it to cut dh any slack. If he really wanted to be more of a part of ss's life, he could easily do so with or without my support. Even if my dh did not attend MY kids extra's with me-I'd still go-if I wanted to be there I would-hell, I spent about 5 years going by myself to EVERYHING as he was in teh military. So again, I understand it, but ultimately it is his choice how involved he wants to be with his own kid.