My SO has been divorced for 8 years. He and his ex (BM) co-parent 50-50 and she has her own SO of six years. I get along with his ex just fine. I am child-free by choice. I have never liked, nor enjoyed the company of children for a variety of reasons. His children are now 10 (boy) and 13 (girl). They are not mean kids but they are extremely spoiled and misbehaved. When SO and I started dating I knew he had two kids. He told me up front that his children are his #1 priority and that they are a package deal. Okay. He also said that I could be as involved or uninvolved with them as I wanted. Fair enough. He said, "they have a mom" so they don't need another. Good! At first, things seemed great because he had them every other week. He would spend a week at my house and the next week he'd go back to his apartment and was a full-time dad. Meanwhile, I had a week to do what I wanted, when I wanted, etc. I met the kids and they were fine. I started spending the nights on Saturdays on the weekends when he had them and got to spend more time with the three of them. He was an involved dad, etc. I then started coming over for dinner on Wednesdays on the weeks when he had them. They used to all eat on the couch watching TV. I suggested that when I come over, we should eat at the dinner table (what a concept!) This is when I noticed that the then 8 year old boy couldn't use a knife and fork and only ate with his hands. None of them (including dad) used napkins, nobody washed their hands before dinner, the children didn't know how to set a table nor did they offer to help bring out dishes or clear the table. (Yes, I was raised to do all those things). I became annoyed and started noticing the lack of rules, consequences, etiquette, and basic hygiene in the house. 

Mind you, when SO lived with me during his off weeks, he did dishes at my house, ate at the table, used napkins, etc. He used to offer to mow the lawn at my house and scoop litter boxes, etc. This hygiene thing only happened at his house. On the nights when I spent the night, I noticed that the children were never told to wash up or even brush their teeth...so they didn't. The SAME bar of soap sat on the bathroom sink for months! I kept taking mental notes but not saying anything. The floor at his house was always icky, the rooms were in disarray, the couch had dirty blankets, there were socks everywhere, it was gross. When the kids would bathe, they asked their dad to "run the tub" for them. They only took baths, no showers...After a few months of this and when I grew a little more confident in my position there (I was probably going to stick around) I brought up some things: I told him that I noticed that his kids were always missing school because they were "sick". They missed about 4 school days a month. I suggested that they are missing too much school and that maybe if they took showers they wouldn't be wading in their own germs...I also pointed out that his then 8 year old had a speech impediment that should have been outgrown by now (a heavy lisp that made speech almost incomprehensible). I said that some of my best memories were of family dinners and that it was a good time to model behavior such as "please" and "thank you". I felt like "super nanny" had just shown up to point all this out. He was gracious and thanked me. He implemented sitting at the table, etc. 

It has been two years. We have remained living separately but have been considering moving in together. In the past two years, I've spent more time with the children and the hygiene has only slightly improved, the speech is being treated by a speech pathologist, both children are being seen by psychiatrists because the 13 year old daughter has anger/rage issues and the boy has anxiety. Yes, I pushed for professional help after his daughter started cutting herself, getting into trouble at school, started refusing to go to school, broke a glass door, destroyed her room, broke furniture, threatened to run away...and the boy is hypersensitive, throwing crying fits, sleeping with the light on, being really clingy and a hypochondriac (oh, I am a psychologist. I didn't mention that).

I've read a lot of your blogs. I know that some of you have evil SKids and evil BMs. These are alright kids with behavioral problems, but I know that even though they are both getting treatment, I don't know that I want to go through teenage years with kids who already have serious psychological issues. I divorced my first husband due to his bipolar disorder and my second, because of his severe anxiety disorder. I like my space, I like things a certain way, I have worked very hard to have my own things, my house, I collect antiques, I like privacy, cleanliness, and most of all, no drama. My biological family lives in another state and I moved out about 20 years ago so I wouldn't have to be sucked in by that. I keep my visits short and once every couple of years. I like it that way. I am not about to move in to a "family" with known psychological issues, the potential for huge drama, broken furniture, suicide attempts, who knows. Both my SO and his ex wife are ex-addicts, both in recovery. The kids were taken by the state way before I showed up in the picture and before they sobered up. Bottom line, I have built just the kind of life I want. On the weeks that my SO is with me, we are really good together, but as soon as I am around the three of them together, I get tense, angry, get migraines, notice that he doesn't set boundaries, they are entitled, both have better iphones than either me or my SO do, they don't clean up after themselves, they don't respect property, etc. And this is PRE-ADOLESCENCE. 

Would you move in with clear rules into a house or keep the status quo until??? Do I have the "dream" arrangement??

Oh, SO wants us to go on "family vacation" and his ex wife and SO just took a two-week vacation with the children and when she came back, she told SO that "she's done" with the children. That they were so "horrible" the whole time and ruined the vacation for everyone. The daughter locked herself in the bathroom and refused to come out, she and her boyfriend fought over the children's behavior all the time. He told her she was a terrible mother and that no wonder the kids hate her (??) and she says they're probably going to break up because on the weeks when the kids are at her house, her boyfriend avoids the three of them and just plays videogames in the bedroom or sleeps on the couch, leaves early, comes late, and just avoids their company altogether. It seems that living with the children (granted he's done this for 6 years now) is tearing apart their relationship. 

I have made rules when they come to my house that my bedroom is off-limits and so is the "cat room" where the cats go to run away from the dog because that is their "safe space" from the boy who is always trying to handle the cats and trying to hug them or pick them up or pet them when they clearly want to be left alone. He is just very overbearing with them and even my dog hits her limit of cuddles when he's around. He still can't use a knife or fork, he doesn't say please or thank you, neither clears the table (they just get up like it's a restaurant). The one time I made a meal for thanksgiving and even made dessert they said it was gross and it tasted like play dough. You're welcome!! I never cooked again at their house. I am afraid that living together will ruin our relationship but I don't know that I can avoid them forever. I met his extended family over the holidays and let's just say I know why nobody uses napkins, nobody says please, thank you, excuse me, etc. There is burping and gas-passing and all the kinds of things that were non-existent in my house. I just want a partner with whom I can grow old with and who is not having to be "trained" to brush his teeth, wash his hands, behave at the table, fill up the gas if he borrows my car or at least puts gas in the car when he borrows the car (which he does often). There's so much more, but that does it for now. Sorry.