Me personally, I would cut off his gravy train. The only reason he does this is because you enable it by taking up his slack financially.

MOVE ON!!!!! YOU ARE WASTING YOUR TIME ON THIS GUY. YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY ATTRACTED TO A LOSER. HE IS TAKING YOU FOR GRANTED AND GIVING EVERYONE ELSE THE WORLD, AT YOU EXPENSE.

YOU CAN'T BE A DOORMAT IF YOU DON'T LAY DOWN.

I have been married to a man who coddled and spoiled and enabled a son for three years. It took me that long to put a stop to it. This is three cars crashed later, twenty thousand in car insurance premiums (for two years!) and thirty five thousand in student loans that netted a .02 gpa!!!!! IN ONE YEAR!

There's no getting it for these guys. You have to draw a line in the sand and DO NOT BEND ON YOUR LINE!!!

First, last, and always...KEEP YOUR FINANCES SEPARATE!!! The only reason I didn't follow my own advice here is that my fdh hands me every cent of income (after the state takes its CS chunk) and I have full and sole financial control. Clearly your bf isn't prepared to do that, so the only way to protect yourself is to keep money separate. Then, you can choose how much you help and under what conditions. He wants to consign for queenie? Fine; clearly if he's in that solid financial shape he should be able to pay 1/2 of all the household expenses including rent/mortgage! Oh wait, he can't do that? Guess you'll be making other choices with your money to benefit you and your child...not him and his spoiled entitled brat! Maybe start investing in a college fund instead of paying for his haircuts/snack foods/cable acess/etc.

I'd be livid at this! I divorced my ex because he decided one day that living off of my work was a perfectly fine way to live his life. I sure as hell would't let a man force me to let his adult kid live off of my work too!

Oh, just to tell you how I ended it...funny story.

For every penny we spent on his son, I demanded an equal share go to each and every one of MY kids. Shit stopped pretty damn quick.

He's using you. You're paying all the bills while he hands his money over to BM and his daughter.

Put him out.

In the end, the squeaky wheel gets the grease. They are squeaking up a storm. Louder than you at least. You need to get pissed and get loud and lay out the law. But, be prepared to walk, or kick him to the curb. Weak men who drag us down with them make me so sick. You work your ass off so the money can go casually to some money grubbing lazy pig? The longer you tolerate, the harder it is to stop. It's like letting a kid misbehave for years and then one day you become Helga the private school master. It's hard, but resentment and anger will kill you. He'll stop, trust me. What's his alternative? Really? Is he going to find another younger woman who's stable and kind hearted and fair? No. He will be alone.

Cut off his gravy train NOW! Why are you paying for HIS debt and then ALLOWING him to use his money to give to the idiot skid? Are you kidding? You are taking away from YOUR child for this man to give to his kid? No way! You need to wake up because he is definitely taking advantage of you. Sorry, but if he is not your kid's father, you need to walk NOW! If he is, then you need to stop paying HIS debt NOW!

WOW! "you live your life your way, and i will live my life my way"

He said that to you? Well, right there is your answer to any question you have. Read between the lines. Read what that statement really says.
Im glad your not married.
As far as im concerned he is not invested to this relationship the way you are.
"You live your life, etc.. blah blah". partners dont say that, they dont feel that.
Leave girly, that ship is sinking!

Trust me you will feel strong while you are reading all these comments but will you kick him out? You are still so young and have so much going for you...sounds like your self esteem has taken a battering in the past or you wouldn't put up with him. I can relate to you but trust me, for your own health and sanity get out. You are too nice for saving him but would he ever return the favour? If you stay you will never be his first priority and you deserve this. His rude comments will become more frequent and you will feel worse and worse for wasting your life. Besides...why go through all this hell when someone has already taken his best years and he's not willing to share anything with you.

He has a young woman who warms his bed and makes him feel good and who helps deflect his appalling financial obligation.

When I married my DH he was paying $400 a month CS and the additional Medical to cover his sons. Which added up to $600 a month. He told his x that as she wanted to control ALL finances she could rip on sista. BUT he would not part with another red cent for her to use as she saw fit. At the time of the divorce they were earning asbout the same amount of money. But she wanted complete control so he gave it to her. No alimony, no extras unless it was discussed with me (and I am WAY tougher than he is even with my own kids). She had an additional tax-free $400 a month for the last 9.5 yrs. Now we are off the hook and the money is ours. Oh and she was NOT happy when DH included my daughter on his insurance because adding another child to the policy cost us nothing.

At no time would he have used clap-trap wishy washy navel gazing remarks like "You live your life blah blah blah" because the answer would have been "Um no. I live my life WITH you. If you want to live your life according to your coda I am outa here."

I get that you love him more than choclate cake. But do you love him more than cupcake vodka?
See, we think we should stay with a man who is wonderful and funny and terrific and and and... we love him to bits. BUT he has an atrocious response to finances that are slowly crippling you. And your daughter needs financial security.

As SD lives with her BF and your SO is still happy to hand over money to her mother without question says to me he is still in the 'married with children' mold with his ex. He doesn't love you THAT much otherwise he would be working his butt off to marry you and 'give you the wedding you deserve.'

And if nothing else, is this man the right role model for your daughter? Do you want your daughter to follow your example? And finally, read back over this thread and ask yourself this "If this was my best friend, what would i tell her to do?"

You know I've read and re-read all these posts from both saralee and the rest of us. I got to say, Sara, you remind of a certain type of woman. Let me explain. It's not bad, it's just sort of a personality type.

You are very successful in life. Career, money, bills, credit, you probably look like a million bucks. You are proud of your success. It sort of defines you, which is awesome. But some very successful women, for some reason, are attracted to men that they think need a good role model. Men who will look at them and say, "she saved me", "I wish I could be more like her", even "I owe her"...

I don't think that there's anything wrong with wanting to be appreciated. BUT, when you look for relationships where YOU WILL ALWAYS HAVE THE UPPER HAND, becasue YOU are more successful, or have your shit together, this is where you will always always end up. I have a sister who is exactly this personality. Now, when the hubby bows to her and accepts her riegn over him, albiet subltly, she's is satisfied. But when he rebels, or when his worldly bullshit drives her crazy, then she can't stand him and wants to kick his ass to the curb. She wants to complain about him and tell the world he's a loser and that she deserves so much better. And as soon as he starts to crumble and bow just a little...she's satisfied with him again. And the saga continues. For 33 years!!!!!

Now here's the thing, if you find yourself to be like this personality type, it's not fair to you or your partner. The only way your partner can truly win is to be a loser. If they become successful in life and surpass you, then you're no longer satisfied with them. This is a codependent relationship.

The reason I mention this is that I noticed that when you said,

"This cat isn't going anywhere. He's in MY home. He just admitted that he's got it made here. He has no plans on going anywhere he said." that seemed to calm you down and sort of satisfy you. In the end you deserve a better man. Maybe you've convinced yourself that this is good for whatever reason. Maybe you tell yourself that you're in it for his sake. Do him a favor and cut him loose. Find yourself a quality man who will give you no regrets. You will look back when he's old and cold and wish you wouldn't have wasted so much time. Hope I havn't offended you. I could be way off the mark. But it's worth mentioning.

THis one would be too much for me...Cut him off or leave this mess. It is only going to continue...

I'll tell you why. She is the only thing in the world that makes him feel useful and needed and important. Regardless of how she beat him down. He gets to feel like he rescues her. She knows this manipulation works so she takes advantage of the handi-man, atm, shoulder to cry on fool. He has some serious self esteem issues.

You represent everything he is incapable of accomplishing. Although he is attracted to you (or using you) or both, he can't measure up. The more flossy and bossy and successful you are, the more castrated he becomes.

Besides, you only have his side of the story. Maybe he drove her mad as well when they were together. Maybe he had other weakness issues. Perhaps he had aquaintances to which he would loan or give money or time that was undeserved. Maybe he had other people in his life when he was with her to which he bestowed his affections and efforts because THOSE people made him feel important and needed. Ive learned over the years and I've said it a million times, there's always a reason that these guys are single with kids. They aren't flawless.

DUMP HIM NOW.

A couple things to consider. If they were both bad with money, they were co-dependent. That is a very hard relationship to extinguish. Period.

And, why oh why would you orchestrate and create his success for him. Pump him up, feed his ego, build him so he feels great, give him responsiblity to create an illusion fo success for him??? He's a grown man. This is what my husband has done to my ss for years. That's why im on this site. That will destroy a person eventually. They start to think that it's their success! But it's not, you handed it to him and did so knowingly.
If he wants to be a man, take all that is yours and separate it as yours. Take all that is his and do the same. Now take all the mutual bills (household expenses etc.) split 50/50.
Now, all that goes to his daughter and exdemon, he pays for.

Now ask yourself this sara...if this were to really truly happen, do you feel like you LOST SOMETHING? Some power perhaps?

Sounds like you're torn between wanting a man and wanting to have all the control. There's so much more to life than this drama. You start out feeling good in a relationship like this bcuz it makes you feel important. But after a while, the opposite holds true. You see other women with strong capable men who take charge and pick up the dinner tab. It hurt bad. I used to feel like why wasn't I worth that. Why can't I have a man like that. It's really a decision you've made for yourself. There is nothing wrong with letting the man take charge. I trust my husband with my life. He is the man in our house. He is kind and gentle but at the same time he's the man. I'm queen and have my territory. He's king and has his. It's a God given system that works for a reason. Men and women are not the same. Anyone who says they are is a fool. We are wired differently. We aren't weaker, we are different. Men have one long spurt of energy in the mid-day, we have balance levels all day. Men sleep like bears, we sleep like moms. Men fall asleep after sex and dinner, we are energized by it. We are different. Don't be afraid to DEMAND that a man be the man. And above all don't be afraid to be the woman. It's actually alot of fun.

He really sounds like an elegant man. I can see how you would feel he's great to have around. Probably really great to show him off. Sort of...He's probably sexy and dresses well?

"I know you are able to do almost anything needed in our house but you allow me to what I consider to be man stuff." :jawdrop:

Fair enough. I guess it depends on how much you can take...how far you're willing to go? He has put you and your daughter last. Actions always speak volumes over words, even really smooth elegant words like his. If this email were for me, I would be imagining the make up night we're gonna have. Men have such a way of doing this to us. It's like Sean Connery slapping some chick across the face, but it's for your own good baby, you know I love you madly. Not that he's violent, but you get my drift. Don't allow yourself to get wooed back in...unless back in is what you wanted all along? Sometimes venting on these blog things whatever they're called, does things to your mind. They get you fired up. Then, the magic happens. Somebody says something that strikes the wrong way, or you realize how much you've been taken, or you feel the need to suddenly defend the person who's wronging you. And that's okay. That's why we do this.

Write down the five thing that mean the most to you in life on five pieces of paper.

Now place them, face down on a table. The most important comes first.

Now staple them together like a book.

Now, everytime you have to make a decision, tolerate a wrong, or choose something, look at that book. How will your action affect what's on top and so on?

Put it in your purse or write them down in order. That way you will always have the guide that you need when you have to make decisions.

This man has such a different reality of things and not what is actually going on. Conversing with him, reason, is not going to do a thing.

His "eloquent" speech? He sounds like a smooth manipulator to me.

Please get out of this relationship - his priorities are very obviously not with your and your BD. The longer it goes on, the worse the debt will get and out of nowhere you will suddenly find yourself saddled with it all. I wouldn't be surprised if there are other money issues with him that you are not even aware of. Don't end up homeless and penniless because of this waster.

Please get out of this relationship - his priorities are very obviously not with your and your BD. The longer it goes on, the worse the debt will get and out of nowhere you will suddenly find yourself saddled with it all. I wouldn't be surprised if there are other money issues with him that you are not even aware of. Don't end up homeless and penniless because of this waster.