How do I get 30 Y.O. SS out of our lives?
This sounds extreme, but here is the background story.
I didn't come into the picture until SS was 22 y.o.
DW raised SS as a single mom. Deadbeat Dad didn't pay child support.
As a child SS repeatedly reported DW to DFS for child abuse each time he was disciplined. DFS closed the file on him as they recognized he was gaming the system.
SS joins army. During basic training (AIT), receives blanket party from training platoon for being a snitch. Right after goes UA (AWOL) while on weekend leave. DW finds out and drags SS back to base. SS gets six months revocation of pay, six months confinment, and a other than honorable discharge. SS now claims to be a weapons specialist/sniper having seen action in Bosnia, Iraq and Afghanistan, and getting a discharge for hitting his superior officer to anyone who will listen.
SS parties and fathers a child. SS claims he was passed out drunk and raped (this guy is 6'4", 250lbs), but is quick to claim child is his w/o DNA test. Tells his "rapist" about his "child abuse," rapist is upset with DW and we have never seen grandchild.
Meanwhile SS cannot hold down a job more than a year. SS doesn't pay child support. SS arrested several times and has a criminal record. SS is "too good" for jobs he is qualified to perform. Travels around country to sponge off girls he meets on internet and get tattoos. Find out from relatives, he has also been hitting girls, breaking one's nose.
Turning 30, finally figures out he needs job skills and enrolls in a trade school hour away, somehow getting government grants for tuition. SS didn't plan on things like rent and food so has been hounding DW for cash.
How do I get SS out of our lives w/o breaking DW's heart?
He's already broken her
He's already broken her heart. Just put him on ignore.
I know what I am talking about SS34 was worse than this. Really - hard to believe isn't it. Almost all you said and more. Ex-con, prison, flee state ahead of cops, missing for years. Gangs - think of those hideous prison tv shows that highlight the lowest of the low.
No contact with him for years even now that he is terminally ill. Diagnosed last August and now chemo stopped. Even though he is DYING he is still worthless.
Do not let him in your life for even 5 minutes - seriously. Just pretend like he is dead because you know what that cute little baby that she gave birth to is dead.
tell her tough love is in
tell her tough love is in order. He needs to grow up. he is not a healthy influence on your DW and he will only bring trouble for your family. He is 30 and unless he is physically disabled he is fully capable of support himself. But he will only step up when he is forced to.
You can't. What you CAN do is
You can't. What you CAN do is set limits and boundaries that will allow you to live your life with minimal/no intrusion from SS.
I am getting married in 6 months to a man I adore, and love so very much. But, his 3 adult kids are HORRIBLE. Not quite as bad as your SS, but headed that way. They lie, manipulate, refuse to work, and only contact my fiance when they need money or something. There is no love.
They got really bad when we moved in together last year. The disrespect and lies led me to the point I am at now: they are NOT welcome in our home. My fiance can see them occasionally, but I do not want them here. I can't trust them-they would go through my things in a minute, or steal. They are also dirty and sloppy. 2 of the 3 want to move in, and that will not happen. Also, my fiance is not giving them money. He stopped doing that almost a year ago, because it was out of control.
Before he proposed, I gave him my limits and boundaries. He agreed to them. He is really annoyed now because he and I work so hard, in demanding jobs, him with a bad neck and back and me with a chronic illness. The "kids" sit home all day, eating and playing video games. His ex allows that. We will never allow that. They are 18, 19, and 22. They continue to get worse, and they have made it clear that they hate me.
My fiance finally saw how bad it was, and he stopped the money flow. He has been doing well, but he still has a lot of guilt because he married a crazy woman and never set boundaries with her or the kids. What he helped create was 3 young entitled adults who think the world owes them. They are VILE. He recently had surgery, and no one called to see how he was, but his son texted DURING THE SURGERY and asked for a cell phone. That only made my fiance open his eyes more....
Your DW will never let her son out of her life, but you need to sit with her and tell her how you feel, and what you will and will not tolerate. At 30 years old, your SS needs to grow up, and your DW needs to stop enabling him. She needs to stop the cash flow. If she has been handing him money, and stops, it may get bad for awhile, so be prepared for her guilt and SS to possibly get worse/nastier. That is what happened with my fiance, but he stayed strong and they rarely bother us anymore. They are not even invited to the wedding, because they are so awful.
Good luck....this is NOT easy.
i have no advice, but i can
i have no advice, but i can commiserate. he sounds like my exbf. he went to the army at 26 (a decision made during a manic phase of his bipolar disorder that he refused to take meds for), whined and cried all thru boot camp, got to AIT and he thinks he "fooled" them into thinking he was unstable and got discharged. he didn't fool anyone, he is unstable. he gets out and starts telling everyone that he "just got out of the service" and he's a "veteran". made me sick. there are boys getting killed every day to defend his right to be a lying POS, and he's gonna try to make people put him in the same category as the men who sign up and keep a commitment, when he cried until he was released? sickening. he would have killed himself before going to war or even just to another country for stationing, because he's a COWARD. and he was abusive as well. couldn't stand up to men, but he sure could beat on me! people like that are cowards with no self esteem. they will never amount to anything. and they know it.
Cut him off. If he is FORCED
Cut him off. If he is FORCED to do it, he will - that seems to be the consensus
First Of All, I am a Veteran.
First Of All, I am a Veteran. I spent 4 years active military. You CAN NOT BE CLASSIFIED as a veteran until you have successfully completed your first contract.
Secondly, don't you have the records of his discharge? If not, they are really not that difficult to get. Call him out on his lies and his Bull Shit.
Thirdly, PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU THINK YOU MAY BE BREAKING HER HEART, you have a life to live. and you can not condone his behavior in any fashion and you should not have to.
Next time he calls, or you find out he has made contact, return the call or call him back and lay down your laws. If he is 30 then there is absolutely no reason in the world he is mooching off momma... and tell momma your intentions. The only thing that will hurt more then what he is already doing is being blindsided by something like this.
I have a copy of his DoD
I have a copy of his DoD DD214.
I have documentation of his stay in the infirmary following his blanket party.
I have a copy of the DFS report from his childhood.
I have a copy of his criminal record - only one state so far.
I have copies of several of his arrest reports.
I have explicitly excluded him from my will and left instructions that should I die a violent death to look at him.
I have already called him out on his bullshit. No more calls to the house. However he still calls wife on cell and at work. Wife tells me and doesn't answer phone. When I answer her phone he hangs up.
Wife is aware of where I stand and what I've done. However, the next step will be him leaving messages crying, threatening homelessness and suicide.
I need to gently get wife to agree to block his calls. I'm just not sure how to do it without hurting her feelings or seeming like a bad guy coming between a mother and her son.
SET BOUNDARIES! His problems
SET BOUNDARIES!
His problems are NOT YOURS! I know several people almost identical to what you described, and was married to a female version for 15yrs.
He sounds like he has NPD or BPD from what little you described. He is caustic either way and will never change.
He has already shown that anything that comes out of his mouth is just NOISE, you should not absorb or acknowledge anything he says other than surface niceties. If he calls for money, say NO, if he calls with dramatic stories, tell him you are busy and get off the phone. People like this FEED off the validation they get from people buying into their concocted stories, either sympathy, pity, martyrdom, or "WOW you are so COOL!" types of feedback is what they thrive on. If you give them none, they move on to new victims. They are like emotional vampires, they will use and manipulate people until they are drained and move on.
Don't be surprised if after the first time you start telling him NO, or refusing to listen to his bullshit stories that he "paints you black", he will concoct a scenario in which you have done him some great WRONG and therefore you are BAD and cannot talk to him or see him anymore. This will of course change after a few months and usually when he WANTS something, then he will have some new story that elicits sympathy and needs help so that you or mom feel guilty and want to help him "just this one last time".
Or I could be way off, but I have seen the above MANY times.