I guess your SM just can't win. I agree she is trying too hard for you to like her. But don't worry - in time, if you shut her out enough, do not recognize her as part of your Dad's life and do not honor her with the respect his wife deserves you won't be seeing much of her anyway. But then, if your Dad loves his wife enough you may run the risk of him not wanting to deal with your demands either. It's your choice.

The one rule I have for my SD is that if there is a problem, she talk to me... And I mean a real two way conversation... Have you tried talking to her and explaining that you appreciate all she does, and are very greatfull to have someone that treats you as good as she does, but that you feel overwhelmed at times and would be more comfortable if she just gave you some space?

She may just sense your ambvailance toward her and be trying to over compensate... A chit chat telling letting her know everything is ok and you Accept her if not love her may be all it takes to help her relax.

I think this is a discussion you could have with your dad in a way that doesn't disparage anyone.You could say, "Hey dad, I was wondering if maybe the two of us could go out to dinner sometime this week while you're here? I'd really like to catch up with you and talk with you." The worst that could happen is he disagrees with you. If he disagrees with you, bring your partner or a friend with you. If he agrees, go and have a great time.

I will say, though, pay attention to how you treat your stepmother. Even if you don't care for her, treat her the same way you'd want your dad to treat your partner. Apply the same standards.

My current stepmom was like that too when she first married my dad. Wanted to "mother" me and my brother really badly. She doesn't have any kids, but she has parents, so I went to lunch with her and my dad, and just had a frank chat with her.

I told her that I'm really happy that she and my dad have each other. I think she's really good for my dad. I also explained to her that I have a mother and I see her as more of a friend. I was specific in exactly what she was doing that was making me uncomfortable, and specific in telling her exactly the kinds of things I'd like to enjoy with her.

One thing I want to point out to ALL adult stepkids is the "cowgirl" factor. Stop trying to wrangle your dad away from your stepmom. You are an adult and presumably have a life. Your dad needs to have a life with someone that is available to be his life companion in every way. When you try to wrangle your dad away from her for "alone time" it's the same thing as when your mother in law invites your husband on a "family vacation" without you. It's inappropriate and overstepping boundaries, and it's rude. Nobody expects you to look at her like a motherly figure. I don't see my stepmom that way. But actually, she's pretty cool, and she could be a lot worse.
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My dad understands that I have married, have kids, and that I have obligations. He doesn't call over here and want to have private conversations. He doesn't single out my husband and try to divide and conquer. And I'm not openly available to fulfill all my dad's relationship needs, so it's time for me to take a step back and be supportive of the person that is available and WILLING to do that for him. God bless her. Lol

Would you ever find it appropriate for your father to tell you that you can visit him but without your husband because he want's father-daughter alone time? If your parents were not divorced, would you ever tell your dad to visit you without his wife (ie. your mom), because you want father-daughter alone time? Sorry, but I don't ever get father-daughter alone time with my dad because he is still married to my mother. I do not understand why it is that you feel entitled to leave her out of a visit because you want to be alone with daddy. Honestly, that makes it seem like you still have some childhood issues and are trying to "steal him away" from the wife.

I am not saying that it might not be difficult to be in your situation, but I do not agree with what you are asking for, unless again, you remember this when you decide you want to visit daddy and he says "leave your husband at home...".

I too am an adult stepchild. I actually INTRODUCED my mom and stepdad! He and I had worked together! When they got married he tried to take on the daddy role. My dad had passed away from terminal illness only a about 2 years prior. It caused some serious tension at first but as I have a tendency to be very blunt and speak my mind this is what I did. I told my mom first - MOM I like so and so, if i didn't i wouldn't have hooked you guys up but seriously, he isn't my dad, I had a dad and I grew up my whole life with a dad. He will never be that person. That said I like him but he needs to back off because I am afraid I will start to resent him. My mom then had the conversation with him that was a nicer version of what I said and soon thereafter I told him myself - You're a cool guy, you know how to do a lot of neat stuff. I like you, but I am not lacking a father. I know you are just trying to help or fill in but I'm grown now and I lived a whole life with a daddy. It wasn't you. I'm excited to see what you can bring to the table that I can learn from you but please save the fathering for my younger siblings who will really need that influence as they grow up! After my moms prep and my talk he was super cool about it and really kind. He sort of apologized and I did too for being standofish at first. I explained I knew it was hard but that trying to fill a deceased persons shoes is HUGE and nearly impossible. That it would help him to be patient with my siblings and just be himself. I defended him and his role to my siblings whenever they treated him poorly, and now i feel we have a good repor/relationship. I can't say i love him but I've grown fond of him and sometimes take his side over my moms in an argument. My mom makes sure to make the time for me with just the two of us while he watches the other kids so I am very thankful for that. I think dad is the person in your life who can bridge this together for you!

Room 317, my stepdaughter is 30, I met her for the first time when she was 21 - 22. She hated me before she ever met me, she hated me because her dad left her mum years ago, and then he met and married me, so it's all my fault. When she came here for the first time, I had never been so insulted or humilated in my life. However, I did as you say you want, I would actually make excuses along the lines of, I just need to pop next door for a moment, or anything at all really, just for the purpose of giving them "alone" time. We took her and her boyfriend out to dinner one night, and the boyfriend went to the bathroom, without even thinking about it I got up and went to the bathroom myself, not because I wanted to go, but I had instantly recognised that even though I had always made it a point to leave her with her dad for a few minutes "alone" time, in that second I realised they had never actually been alone, the boyfriend was always present. So, I left the table. I waited in the corridor outside the bathrooms till boyfriend came out, and I said, would you mind waiting here for a couple of minutes, I thought it might be nice for X and her dad to have 5 minutes alone if that's okay with you. Funny, he wasn't real keen on that, but he did it. Despite this girl openly admitting that she wanted to separate us and see us both dead, I continued to respect her as a guest in my home for years, whenever she wanted or needed anything she would ask dad, and dad would ask me, and despite her hatred I always helped. That was up until 2 years ago, when I guess after 6 years of trying to separate us, she upped the anti and went full on with her hatred. It was awful. She went so far as to get pregnant and bring a baby into the world. I knew in my heart of hearts that she was going to use this child as a weapon, but said nothing. Well, 2 weeks after the baby was born she told my DH if he wanted to see the baby, then he needed to leave me.

This has resulted in something that you do not want for yourself trust me. She like you wanted "daddy alone" despite being a grown woman. It would be unusual for adult daughters living with mom and dad to want daddy to hang out with them, to be 'alone' with dad but somehow SD's seem to crave having daddy by themselves. Not really sure why. She always invited dad to her house, and did not want me, he would ask me to go, and I did for a while hoping if I was respectful and polite in her home towards her, she would get the hint, no such luck. She would offer everyone in the room a drink and not me, and made no bones about not wanting me to eat or drink there because she might get germs. Please this is a grown woman. Well now she has a baby that the boyfriend was not ready to have, they are down to one income and have a high mortgage, and she no longer sees her father at all. Her child is almost 8 months and has never seen her grandfather. Well done mum. In her desperation to get daddy alone she has lost him.

You have your own life, family, friends etc., and one day will have your own children perhaps. Then you will be so busy raising a family that dad will as per the circle of life be relegated to visits when you can. You will not want to take care of him when he is sick, particularly if you have a sick child or are sick yourself, you will not want to change his incontinence pads (okay maybe over the top, but I had to do that for my mum and I had 3 young kids to look after, so it happens), and you do not want to coffee with dad when you have your friends to coffee with. That is what his wife is for.

She is one of those in your face people seemingly and that makes a lot of us uncomfortable, and dad pushing the two of you together is wrong. However, this could have been addressed very quickly and politely by you first of all telling dad how you feel, without being disrespectful to his wife. You could have buttered it up, by saying, I am so glad you have her in your life, I am thrilled she makes you so happy, and I really like, BUT I am not a feely touchy person or whatever, and I find it a bit hard to deal with, I know she means well, but it is too much for me, please do not keep pushing this, because I love you and want to see you and when you make me feel uncomfortable like this it makes it hard. Something along those lines if you get what I'm saying.

Now,it is not too late to talk to her, the only rule is BE NICE, not for her sake, but for your dad's sake and so you do not alienate your father, because, if you make him choose, you will lose.

Take her out for a coffe or something, tell her how lucky you feel that she is the way she is and not the evil stepmum a lot of people get, but tell her something is bothering you, and you hope she will understand, then as politely as you can, tell her how you feel. Maybe if you made the effort to coffee with her once or twice every 6 months, when you wanted to spend time with dad, she would not feel left out. You would coffee with your mum wouldnt you, that's normal. NOW THIS IS NOT YOUR MOM and you don't need to make her feel as though she is, but if you treated her as a nice woman who looks after your dad and makes your dad happy, would it hurt to have a coffee very occasionally. I say this, because the fact that you were close to asking your dad to stay with you and not bring his wife means you were about to step on very thin ice. You were going to hurt your dad, and put a gap between you, it would not leave his mind and then he would be looking closely at you from then on and watching how you treat his wife, this does not need to happen. You cannot love her, why should you, she is nothing to you except your dad's wife, but if you love your dad, you will not invite him along without his wife it is rude and disrespectful, not only to her but to your dad as well.

As one poster has said, put yourself in their position and imagine your dad saying I would love you to come and visit but don't bring your husband I want to spend time alone with you. You would not be flattered because you would be too hurt about how he had treated your husband, and you would not forget it.

All of this being said, I am glad for your sake that this has worked out well and you are going to get the time you want alone with your dad, but next time think this through before you act. Talk to dad, you will have a week to do it, don't put it off, and then talk to her. I wish you all the very best. Good Luck.

You've received some excellent advice room317! I hope everything turns out well, your step mom sounds like a very caring individual who only means well but probably does not realize she comes off a little too strong, she will probably understand if you have a conversation about it with her. Believe me, it does work! Done it before myself, not with a step parent but other adults yanno.

I have a step dad, I don't feel love for him either, he came into my life when I was an adult, I don't hate him or anything, we get along fine and my mom is so happy with him so that makes me happy, yeah I got some negative feelings but that's because he's been nasty to me behind my mothers back, I confronted him in front of my mother and we straightened everything out.

It will all work out, I'm sure of it! Good luck!

Oh and have a fun visit with your dad when he flies up! I bet you don't get to see him often.

Room 317 sometimes the written word can sound harsh when it is not meant that way. When I said next time think it THROUGH before you act, was not an accusation of any sort, it was meant sincerely and in a friendly manner. I was thinking the word "through" in that may have made my intentions clearer sorry for the misunderstanding. I just meant think it all through and the possible consequences to you.

No, you are nothing like my SD, I know that with 100% certainty when I wrote my response, that is why I was not having a go at you, just trying to get you to see that, as has happened here really, things get said (written) and there is no malice intended, but someone always takes it the wrong way, and if in the future you felt like inviting dad again, then think it through before you do it because SM just may take offence and the repocussions may fall back on you, I was aware that you had not actually done it, but as your problem had this time been resolved by your dad's phone call, I was just thinking ahead in case another similar situation arose. I was kinda trying to protect you really not trying to be a smart mouth.

As I said I know you are nothing like my SD not only from what you wrote, but just from the fact that you wrote it, and you wrote it before you acted on your thoughts, (see I did read it:), I actually admired you for that, however I read in one of your responses that your parents had taught you RESPECT and that is why you did not want to hurt your SM's feelings, after I had written my post, and that confirmed what I already suspected, you were not a brat, you were a nice kid looking for advice, again I admire you for that.

You do not come off anything like my SD, you actually are aware of people's feelings, I understood clearly you were looking for a SM's take on what you wanted, and as most posters have said, not a good idea to invite one without the other, but talk to both of them, you may be surprised to find she is more understanding and reaonable about it than your dad, because he sounds as though he would want to protect her feelings, and that is to be applauded. Most of us on this site are here because our DH's do not protect our feelings as in my case when DH allowed this to go on for so long, and it was not until he got hurt that things changed. Had my SD been anything like you, had been brought up with respect, I can assure you had she communicated once what her needs or hurts were I would be far more sensitive to that than her father, because I do get where she is coming from, but none of it should have been directed at me.

The reason for my post and story was just to warn you of what could happen if these things do not get aired and resentments build, and you will resent her if you keep feeling like this, and that is not fair if you do not give her a chance to understand what you are feeling, and allow her the chance to work with you and at least meet you half way. If you tell her, NICELY and she does not respect your feelings, well then you may look at things differently. However, I think if treat her the way you would like to be treated in her situation, put yourself and your partner hypothetical partner if applicable) in the same situation and again treat them both the way you would want the man you loved to be treated it will all go well. I also think you are more than capable of doing this and doing it well. You do not come across to me as a selfish, spoilt, ill mannered brat with an over inflated sense of entitlement, you come across as a caring young woman who loves her dad because if you didn't you would not have wasted your time trying to work this out in the best way possible, you would have just let fly the first time you got upset about it.

Sorry for the misunderstanding, no offence was meant, and to be honest I actually respect you for asking the question, which is why I was trying to warn you to tread very lightly. Better to have her on side if possible than off. I think this will work out better than you think, go in wearing slippers, not work boots and it will all be fine. All the best.

Agreed with most of the above posters. I think it should happen when it naturally happens, but no one should ask another person to leave someone important to them at home just because they want to spend some one-on-one time.

I liked the comparison with intact and non-intact families--I don't think it should be any different--alone time doesn't happen planned in intact families. That said, I do spend time alone with either of my parents but only when it pops up naturally. Like my dad has work, my mom doesn't so I go eat lunch with my mom. Or my mom's travelling with my grandpa (my dad hates to travel and can't leave because of work) and my dad has no one to feed him (totally useless in the kitchen.)

This is just something I noticed (and not directed to anyone here)--but it seems as though in intact families, the daughter and father don't really spend much time together nor do they crave it (mother daughter alone-time, and father-son alone time, seem to be much more prevalent). I could be wrong but this is just what I noticed among my peers and their parents. However, in non-intact families, the daughters seem to desire one-on-one time much more with their father's. It's a bit strange to me. (I dread spending time alone with my dad... it's SO AWKWARD. And he's always trying to give me advice and tell me what to do, which annoys the bejeezus out of me--like a father instead of a friend.)

I suppose in non-intact families, the line between friend and parent blurs a little too much?

Anyway, that was just a weird though. I have friends from both sides and this is a comparison that always struck me as strange. (I have a COD friend who delights when other people ask if she is her father's girlfriend when she goes to visit him in the country he currently lives in. Freaky.)

when I first became a SM my SD was 16. She had been estranged from her father for 10 years. She was visiting him for the first time. I went with DH to the airport to pick her up. OH MY, she didn't like that one bit! I honestly never even thought about the fact that she would want him to pick her up alone. I guess that I should have but, honestly, the thought never crossed my mind. I wasn't trying to come between them, in fact, I was a major contribitor as to why he was seeing her again after all these years. I was just anxious to meet her, that's all.

So a little communication would have went a long way in our situation. If she had just mentioned to her Dad ahead of time that she would like for him to pick her up by himself.

I think you can handle this very lightly and not have your SM take any offence. She genuinely wants to be in your life. You like her. You want her in your life. Maybe just a few well timed comments that you know she means well but you are sometimes overwelmed with her kindness. Keep it light, almost jokingly. Thank her for trying so hard to take you into her life. THank her for being a great partner for your dad. I think just letting her know that you get her intention might allow her to stop trying to over compensate.

As for 'nice' ways to get a little time alone with your dad........maybe when they visit you could do something nice for your SM, schedule her for a massage or manicure. And while she is enjoying your gift you can enjoy a short personal visit with your dad.

Maybe since fate worked with you for this trip and you will have him alone on this visit, you could follow up with a note or conversation later and let her know that you missed her there but how much you enjoyed the unexpected time alone with your dad and that you would like to have an occational day like that now and again.

Hmm, I think that if you were a teen this would be more of a concern, but since you are in your late twenties, does it matter? I'm assuming that you have a full life away from your parents now (college, work, friends, boyfriend?) so unless she texts you constantly or posts annoying things on your Facebook wall constantly, I would just appreciate that she obviously cares and is doing her best. You can show her that you appreciate her intentions and care about her, but still set good boundaries without hurting her feelings.

I must be the only one that agrees that Biokids should have alone time with their parent. That is how special bonds form. Even in intact families parents spend alone time with each kid individually. There is absolutely nothing wrong in grabbing 2 hours of dad's time for yourself. An entire vacation I don't believe you are entitled to that and is asking much (Glad it turned out great for you), but a couple of hours yes.

Building relationships is inclusive only for those building them and you do not have to build upon them as a couple.. why do people need to be so co-dependant that their spouse cannot do anything without them?

The SM is not being shut out if the BD wants to spend some alone time with her Dad and she should be able to, just like Dad may spend some "alone" time with a male friend. It doesn't matter what age they are.

Her relationship can still be respectful of the SM, but she doesn't need to invite her to every outing.. I did a lot with my Mom as an adult, not so much my Dad, but he didn't feel left out and we continued to have a great relationship with each other.

Well done room317, you have taken the message well and decided to scratch ever asking your dad to come alone. So glad because that is in YOUR best interests.

Now you have the week with him I do hope you can work out some things that are bothering you. As I have said before, I do not think you are a selfish brat, and I admire you for trying to work this out through this site before saying anything to your dad. The fact is you were being mindful of someone else's feelings here, not your own, but what we were all trying to show you is how your actions were possibly, well more than likely going to hurt your feelings in the end and everyone wanted to stop that from happening to you.

Now, if things don't work out between you, your dad and SM - can we make some arrangements whereby you can come over here and be my SD for a while, or a lifetime, and I will send mine over to your dad and SM A SD like you is a rarity. NOTE TO OTHER POSTERS - I ASKED HER FIRST OKAY SHE'S MINE Enjoy your week and congratulations on your wedding.

I add my voice to the chorus of those who admire that you came here to get a SM's perspective, and for wanting to find a middle ground that's fair for all of you.

I'd probably be your perfect SM because I actually encourage my DH to go to my SDs by himself (she's in a different state). I don't want to go! No offense but there has been too much drama. It's also too expensive for us all to go anyway. She is your around age and I have a 4 yr old so the plane tickets for 3 is too much to do often.

I also really encourage him to take her out one on one. I'm a big believer in one on one time and I feel that I only met her 6 yrs ago (she's actually 26) and they need their time alone. I don't think it's fair for me to always be there and I really don't want to be. I enjoy the rare time by myself, esp if they take my son.

I think it may be too hurtful to ask him to vacation alone (I volunteered it) but I think you can do other things. You may want to tell her and your dad that you like one on one time and then proceed to do it with both of them. e.g. you could go out to coffee with her but have a dinner or day with your dad. I encourage my H to go out on an outing and take photographs of old buildings with his daughter.

If there is a similar interest you and your dad have you may ask if you can have one on one outings for this. As for vacations,I've suggested my DH go one on one with my child and his son's children camping (with his son). That way the wives are out of the picture and they get some time together. You may want to suggest a "daughter/dad" camping trip.

I think the smartest thing is to be upfront and really affirm his wife but let them both know (letters work really well if this is uncomfortable) that you need one on one time with your dad. It's very legitimate and I think she will understand this. Sandwich your request in affirmation for her. She is your dad's wife and is probably picking up your cues to not be close as rejection. A little one on one time with her may help your relationship with her.

By the way I read some of these other posts and seriously disagree with SMs who don't recognize the need for SDs or SSs to have alone time with their parent. One on one time is crucial in any relationship. I do know some people who don't want alone time with others outside their spouse, but most of us do.

Stepmonsters discusses the need for SM and skids to have alone time too. That this is the way to build relationships (I'm past that in desire b/c too much has happened). I wouldn't withhold my H from having alone time though.

If the kids insisted I not be there, that would be totally different And unacceptable. My H and SD just make time on their own (which I encourage) and I'm glad for it. I know she also is willing to spend time with me. Perhaps some of the hurt is from SMs who sense their skids only want time with just dad and want her out of the picture altogether.

This is an interesting thread. I am wondering room317 if you have ever given any thought to how dad’s wife perceives you. Perhaps she sees you as cold and uncaring in response to her demonstrative nature. Are you prepared to makes changes in your behavior too and become more responsive, or do you believe that dad’s wife is the one who must make all the changes to accommodate you? When you have your conversation, what concessions are you willing to make?

The situation has been handled this time by a most unfortunate circumstance in that dad’s wife has lost her job. Perhaps it is more considerate that dad should also not be coming, as finances will be difficult in their new situation and perhaps they should be saving their money in this poor economy.

Ps: I agree there is a huge difference between wanting alone time with dad and excluding dad’s wife. Too often it turns out that alone time with dad, means time with dad, and fiancé, and friends, and other family members, and basically including everyone but dad’s wife. Quite a different thing isn’t it.

I hear you Stepaside, got the same thing myself.

Room317 I am not saying you are cold and uncaring as I don’t know you from Adam and neither do I know your dad’s wife. That was a supposition only. I am asking the question have you ever thought of how she perceives you to be? Not how you think you are, but how she thinks you are. We all come from culturally different backgrounds that can cause huge boundary issues.

For example, what I perceive as an invasion of personal privacy, someone else may perceive as bonding and sharing. You need to reach a happy medium, which may mean you have to share more, and she has to share less. If that is done from a position of caring and concern, not division and exclusion it can work but only if there is a huge dollop of mutual respect and an equal stake in the outcome.

Quite alright room317. I got a good chuckle from your response. All the best to you! It sounds like you are on the right track. Oh and as a motherly type, Red Bull isn't good for ya you know.

Cheers,
Donna

No Donna123 Red Bull is indeed not good for you, but if it hypes room317 up to a point were she is more hypo and over the top than SM it may make SM calm down, and go into another room to get a break from her so room317 just might have a plan there

The more the thread goes on the more I think I get what she is saying about SM and understand why it bugs room317, I am the affectionate type (just ask my poor grandkids), but even I know when to back off the grandkids and they are my blood. We all have a personal space limit and usually people instinctively get when they have crossed into it, SM does not seem to have picked up on the clues, and in fact probably has gone to extra lengths to make room317 feel welcome. Maybe a complete misunderstanding on her part.

317 seems to have it all sorted out now and I have no doubt it will all work out.

Just to the posters who said that kids should have one on one time with their parents, I think we would agree on that, but as StepAside says, there is a big difference in and let us use 317's case as an example, asking dad to come down and help her get the classroom ready, and asking dad can you come down and leave your wife at home. You cannot ask your parent to leave their partner out of things and not expect some not so nice fallout from it.

Kids having one on one time for most of us is not and never has been the issue, kids who isolate you at every opportunity, deliberately and cruelly exclude you and in no uncertain terms let you know that you are not accepted as part of the family, and they would sooner stick forks in their eyes than be part of yours, therefore, they jus want to be with daddy and you are not welcome, well that's a whole different ball game.

asheea, don't disagree with you at all was just being tongue in cheek with 317. However, in my earlier posts I have said that while my SD has openly admitted she would like to seperate her father and myself and wants to see us both dead, I did in spite of this make it a point of giving them alone time. I showed SD every ounce of respect I could, I did many, many things for her and as I said in earlier posts on this site, even if she came over just for a visit here I would always, every single time, make a point of either leaving the room for a few minutes, or making the excuse of just needing to pop into the neighbours for a second. I did this because I realised this girl had problems, and therefore she needed this more so than SD who have no real issues going on. However, nothing, nothing, nothing was ever enough for her. I could have sent her and her father on a 3 year world cruise together and she would still not be happy, because she really did not want "alone" time with her father at all, what she wanted was her father to divorce me and nothing else would or will satisfy her. Now, this is not because she loves daddy so much that she want him for herself, because her disrespect for me was horrendous, but there are no words to describe her disrespect for her father. She had a relationship with her father for one reason and one reason only, she has made it clear when he dies his retirement fund is HERS, now she has prior to my husband and I getting together already had money from this fund as have her brothers, so there is not a lot left for us to retire on yet not that long ago she asked DH for $8k from it. Here in Australia superannuation for women was not compulsory until the late 1990's so I do not have a lot, his children have already spent whatever he could access from his, one son getting $10K for legal fees out of it and never paying it back. Two years ago they asked for $12K to bury their mother. Now seriously dad left his ex some years earlier with around $15K cash, a fully paid for fully furished brand new house and an education fund for the SD as the sons had finished school. The house on the mother's death became theirs, given that they estimate it is worth $500,000.00 to be shared between 3 kids, asking dad to pay for the funeral from his retirement fund was just an attempt to empty this fund so he will have nothing to retire on.

He was off work due to ill health for 7 months and we had no income and needed to live off our savings and pay $20K in medical bills for him, not one of his kids offered a slice of bread let alone come over for a meal or asked how he was coping financially, in fact that 7 months we didn't really hear from them, only once say every 6 to 8 weeks, as soon as he returned to work, back they came.

So, while I agree if SD and their dads had alone time who cares, but two things, as in my case, alone time was never enough it had to be divorce time or nothing for SD, and the issue with room317 was from her initial post not so much about alone time, which I agree is a good thing, but about her asking if it was acceptable to ask her father to visit and leave his wife at home. There is a big difference between dad and daughter say just catching up for a coffee while SM was doing whatever, and dad being asked let's catch up for coffee but don't bring SM. No one denies her or anyone else the alone time there is just a way of doing that without making the SM feel isolated and excluded and unwelcome in the family. Which 317 has accepted and agreed with to her credit. I fully admire her and understand where she is coming from.

My situation is not unique and from what I read on this site almost normal unfortunately. So, you see it is not always about SM think SD should not be with her dad and have alone time, sometimes nothing we do is enough for some SD's, and when SD is terriffied that SM is going to get dad's money which she believes is rightfully hers, and is hell bent on spending dad's money while he is alive to make sure she does get it and sees me as nothing more than a block between dad and his retirement fund, she will never accept me, and when the retirement money is gone, she will dump her dad like a hot potato.

Now 317 living in perfect caffeinaed harmony with SM - if Red Bull is the answer to that, bring on the RED BULL

I have to agree emotionally beat up. There is a difference between alone time and wanting your stepparent out of the way. I know for sure that my SD doesn't like it when I am around and hates me simply because I came between her and what she considers to be her dad's checkbook. (She's 29 by the way and has a very well paid job). She thinks it's all HIS money. She even had the nerve to say she has a right to it. Not on my watch little missy! I think that room317 is making a great effort though and kudos to her for trying!

Asheeha

Asheeha, does my husband allow it. YES. For 8 years he sat back and said nothing to her, even when she made it clear that her intentions were to separate us and see us both dead, he said she is just upset, when her boyfriend came her on his own with the sole purpose of warning my husband and myself that I was in real danger, that SD was so angry at not being able to break up this marriage he felt she was capable of doing something to me, husband said, he's making that up (not to is face mind you, to his face he said NOTHING not one single word), so YES by his failure to say anything and to pull her it to line, he not only allowed but encouraged it. It is a long story, but as I said on page 2 of this post, it has ended by me after 8 years of her abuse and his failure to say one word to her about it, that I finally banned her from my home FOREVER last August. This was 3 months after she had a baby which DH has only seen once in the hospital and at which time when I offered her a gift for the baby she turned her head and looked at the mattress totally and completely acted as if I was just a germ in the room to be avoided not a person, and after BF rang DH and said if he wants to see his new grandaughter then he needs to leave his wife. My SD has done what she always did when daddy did not give her what she wanted she has withdrawn her LOVE to punish him. Just a quick note this girl upon hearing he had lost his job, and knowing he had prostate cancer, asks him if he had a payout, (not how are you), he says yes, 7 months, and she says, GOOD, now you can buy me a boat I have always wanted a boat. So, this and a million other incidents along the same vain have ended in the current situation. I to be honest blame my DH and him alone for the whole mess, she is what she is, she was raised to be that way, but he knew how it was hurting me, I told him for years that I could not take it, and that he needed to fix it, and his response was always the same, if I say anything to her she will not talk to me. So setting boundaries was out of the question for him. Her live in boyfriend also asked my husband a couple of years ago to help him get to her to see a psychiatrist as he felt she had a serious metal disorder and he said he would not marry her or have children with her until she saw someone, DH No, I will not ask her to do that she will get mad. SD went behind this boys back and got pregnant, not to have a baby to love and cherish but to breed a weapon to use against daddy, hence the if you want to see this child leave your wife demand.

Does he give her money, he did initially, we paid her cell phone and covered various other things for her for a while, and then when she started nursing I said, she has a job, no more. But then she came back asking for a brand new car because she had to work nights and needed to be safe, exact words from her to guilt daddy, so of course daddy at least did tell me she needed to have a car and he wanted to buy it. At that time there was a second hand car in the paper, only 4 years old and not much mileage it was a small car but would have gotten her to work and back, grandfather had already given her $3.000 towards it and she needed anothr $3.500. So I agreed to give her the $3.500 but my own daughter was putting cement paving in her yard and the cost was $3,400, now this second hand car was not good enough and she wanted a brand new one, and for years has berated DH for not paying the whole amount of the new car and therefore causing her to get a loan for $8,500. I told DH your kids have been getting money for years while mine have worked their butts off saved their money and bought their own homes and cars, so if this is going to continue, from now on what she gets, they get. Well he agreed to that, so I took $7,500 out of the bank and that hurt us a lot. I gave him the cheque for his daughter and said no more, the following month DH asks what the $7,000 showing on the bank statement was for, I tell him, $3.5 for your daughter $3.5 for mine. He hit the roof, said we could not afford to give away $7.000, I reminded him of what we had discussed and he said, I didn't think you meant it. So, from that day on, none of his have been given a cent.

I as a SM have no problem with my guy spending time with his kids without me.

Again I say, no good deed goes unpunished. You have done the right thing by your SK's and your DH and this is the thanks you get. You have shown your husband and his children respect and support and in return your husband allows them to exclude from events, worse still have a SK invite DH only. I'm guessing he went. I sincerely hope not, but I would notbe surprised if he did.

I agree the Karma bus will hit and hit them hard one day SA but I doubt it will be in the way of problems with SK. These 20-30 something women think too much of themselves and are quick to put everyone in their place. So the first time one of their SK's open their mouths, it will be the last time, and if their SO has anything to say, they will let him know in no uncertain terms they are too good to put up with that shit. They dish it out, but they will never take it. So, I imagine the Karma bus for these guys will be carrying a lot of broken relationships, Bio kids that will either hate them because of their selfishness, or turn out to be not only like them, but worse and will take them to the cleaners. But, yes the Karma bus when it comes around is going to hit very, very hard.

When I look at my SD's life now I think the bus is coming. She used to say terrible things about every wedding she ever went to, no one had a decent wedding according to her, and constantly talked about her ROYAL wedding. Not gonna happen, current BF father of her child still hasn't married her 7 years and 1 baby later. Her master plan to bring daddy back home has for the moment back fired and she doesn't see daddy. The biological weapon she stuffed down his throat the night we say her in hospital is now 8 months old and still hasn't managed to get daddy over to the dark side for her. She appears to have become sick of having to drive 4 hours to see FIL, or maybe just thinks she only had to go there a couple of times and her effect would be everlasting, so now it appears she hasn't rung him for a while, FIL is not that loyal, so if she is not careful she will lose him too, if she hasn't already. There are a lot of other little bruises from the Karma bus too, and those above may just seem like life to us, to her, they are unbearable suffering, because they all add up to - for the very first time in her life daddy did not give her what she wanted no matter how much she screamed at him.

Footnote: Karma bus seems to be out the front of our house too looking for DH. His selfish little world seems to be cracking. Guess when you get on a leaky boat you can expect it to sink, and he not only got on that leaky boat carrying his shaky relationship with his kids, from where I sit he sailed it far out to sea. Appears the boat is sinking now. I'd swim on out with a life buoy for him, but shucks - while he has been away desperately trying to get the monsters into his life to love him, I went out and found a life of my own. The only swimming I will be doing is in Hawaii next month.

Special thanks to P. :)For opening my eyes.

To answer StepAside....no I wouldn't mind being left out because his kids are jerks and I don't want to be around them. If he wants to waste time hanging out with them, he can do so without me.