Yes - but it requires normal parents and children - not psycho damaged people.
People who have been brought up to be kind and considerate of others can have a good blended relationship.
But all too often (especially here) we are often dealing with exes and skids who are truly mentally ill. Seriously mentally ill. Or sometimes just mean and evil.
I've seen a 60 year old woman take in her widowed SM when her own daughters wouldn't. She loved her dearly. I've seen skids be in the next wedding (not to their dad) of their SM. I have ex step neices that I truly still think of as being my neices.
^^^^ I totally agree! My SD12 is extremely emotionally damaged due to her mom abandoning her. We rarely have times that our family feels like a real family, but those MOMENTS do happen on rare occasions. Like when SD is in a rare, non-defiant mood and decides to watch a movie with the rest of us and we can all laugh together about the movie. These moments usually only last a few minutes and only come about twice a year...but they do occasionally happen and I think "this isn't so bad". I wish I had a few of those moments every day, but I will take what I can get.
I often imagine what life could have been like with an entirely "normal" family...
Wish I had to deal with a BM that wanted her son to be happy and mentally healthy instead I get stuck with a BM that has been telling her son that he has two fathers her ex (my DH) and her ex husband. She has been also telling SS that we dont love him. I fear that she will stop at nothing. Its so hard to try and be a family when she is constantly running her ugly mouth!
In my current situation with FDH and FSD I don't think that we will all three feel like family. BM plays too big a role in FSD life and she is too much like her BM that my guard will always be up.
I'm sure it happens. It will never happen in our family. I have let that go. DH has let that go. Our son is not even aware of his "sister's" existence. Won't have him "wishing" for something that will probably never happen. It's sad, but we are ok with it at this point.
I have discovered that some of the most kind, caring people can raise the most rotten, self entitled, selfish, horrible children. Loving them to death, enabling, co-dependent, denial, excuses for bad behavior etc. are the crimes of wonderful people everyday. If you find yourself attracted to one of those wonderful people, then you may have a future with one of those damaged skids.
Decide what you can accept and what's important. The family fantasy or the awesome marriage. Sometimes you just need to change your expectations.
If the skids were "adopted" by you AND your SO, DH etc. how would you feel about them? Many times, negative feelings about birth parents interfere with feeling about skids. It's a hard thing to admit. You have to get over the ex first. Only then can you see what is left of you and your skids.
Yes, but I agree with bestwife: "it requires normal parents and children - not psycho damaged people."
Thankfully, from what I've read on here and from what I've experienced, I think that we are all fairly normal, even BM. We have our moments as a family. I have even caught FDH accidentally referring to the kids "our" children or FSD "my" daughter (it usually gets halfway out his mouth before he catches it and stops himself).
If you have a disney dad or children who are severely messed up due to crazy BMs, I doubt that such moments can ever exist except in a delusional mind.
As stepmoms, there’s so much pressure to make things work that simply won’t. A stepfamily is never going to feel the same as a real family. Once you accept that and realize that your marriage is the most important thing and the skids can jump off a cliff for all you care, things immediately improve.
It’s unnatural for anyone to love someone else's child or feel like they are their own. I will never get past the feelings that my skids are invading my home since they are not my children.
There also are a lot of very messed up people. My SD15 was a stupid mistake my DH made as a teenager not wearing a condom. Her BM was mentally ill, abused drugs and allowed her daughter to be abused by her boyfriend. She’ll never be a normal person ever and cannot function in a normal home without making everyone else suffer. I will not allow her in my home impacting my son’s life.
I truly feel the only possibility of this is if the "other" parent is no longer living and the skids live with bio-parent full time. AND if the child was a baby when the union occurred. Otherwise, we're all screwed LOL
I think it depends on the skids. Parents can overlook alot of ugly flaws and behaviors because they "birthed" a kid. If the skids are people that you might want to spend time with if they belonged to your friends or were extended family, you're okay. If they are little terrors or so stupid, it sends chills up your back to hear them talk, your probably not going to wind up a happy little family.
I really actually do like my skids. They really are generally good, respectful, fun, kids to be around. I had a very hard time late last year because I had embraced them wholeheartedly and expected them to do the same. Now that I've had time to think about it, I realize that they will never think of me first like they do their mom, but thats okay. They are really nice to DD3 and call her their sister, they introduce me as their stepmom, and hopefully with time, we'll get closer so that we do feel like a family. I think once they both get out of BM's house that will definately happen.
Yes - but it requires normal
Yes - but it requires normal parents and children - not psycho damaged people.
People who have been brought up to be kind and considerate of others can have a good blended relationship.
But all too often (especially here) we are often dealing with exes and skids who are truly mentally ill. Seriously mentally ill. Or sometimes just mean and evil.
I've seen a 60 year old woman take in her widowed SM when her own daughters wouldn't. She loved her dearly. I've seen skids be in the next wedding (not to their dad) of their SM. I have ex step neices that I truly still think of as being my neices.
^^^^ I totally agree! My
^^^^ I totally agree! My SD12 is extremely emotionally damaged due to her mom abandoning her. We rarely have times that our family feels like a real family, but those MOMENTS do happen on rare occasions. Like when SD is in a rare, non-defiant mood and decides to watch a movie with the rest of us and we can all laugh together about the movie. These moments usually only last a few minutes and only come about twice a year...but they do occasionally happen and I think "this isn't so bad". I wish I had a few of those moments every day, but I will take what I can get.
I often imagine what life could have been like with an entirely "normal" family...
My daughter had a great
My daughter had a great relationship with her stepmom (deceased now). Probably b/c I didn't get all "Behemoth"
Wish I had to deal with a BM
Wish I had to deal with a BM that wanted her son to be happy and mentally healthy instead I get stuck with a BM that has been telling her son that he has two fathers her ex (my DH) and her ex husband. She has been also telling SS that we dont love him. I fear that she will stop at nothing. Its so hard to try and be a family when she is constantly running her ugly mouth!
In my current situation with
In my current situation with FDH and FSD I don't think that we will all three feel like family. BM plays too big a role in FSD life and she is too much like her BM that my guard will always be up.
I'm sure it happens. It will
I'm sure it happens. It will never happen in our family. I have let that go. DH has let that go. Our son is not even aware of his "sister's" existence. Won't have him "wishing" for something that will probably never happen. It's sad, but we are ok with it at this point.
I have discovered that some
I have discovered that some of the most kind, caring people can raise the most rotten, self entitled, selfish, horrible children. Loving them to death, enabling, co-dependent, denial, excuses for bad behavior etc. are the crimes of wonderful people everyday. If you find yourself attracted to one of those wonderful people, then you may have a future with one of those damaged skids.
Decide what you can accept and what's important. The family fantasy or the awesome marriage. Sometimes you just need to change your expectations.
If the skids were "adopted" by you AND your SO, DH etc. how would you feel about them? Many times, negative feelings about birth parents interfere with feeling about skids. It's a hard thing to admit. You have to get over the ex first. Only then can you see what is left of you and your skids.
Yes, but I agree with
Yes, but I agree with bestwife: "it requires normal parents and children - not psycho damaged people."
Thankfully, from what I've read on here and from what I've experienced, I think that we are all fairly normal, even BM. We have our moments as a family. I have even caught FDH accidentally referring to the kids "our" children or FSD "my" daughter (it usually gets halfway out his mouth before he catches it and stops himself).
If you have a disney dad or children who are severely messed up due to crazy BMs, I doubt that such moments can ever exist except in a delusional mind.
I gave up on that. I just
I gave up on that. I just focus on DH and bio kids. The skids can vanish into thin air for all I care.
As stepmoms, there’s so much
As stepmoms, there’s so much pressure to make things work that simply won’t. A stepfamily is never going to feel the same as a real family. Once you accept that and realize that your marriage is the most important thing and the skids can jump off a cliff for all you care, things immediately improve.
It’s unnatural for anyone to love someone else's child or feel like they are their own. I will never get past the feelings that my skids are invading my home since they are not my children.
There also are a lot of very messed up people. My SD15 was a stupid mistake my DH made as a teenager not wearing a condom. Her BM was mentally ill, abused drugs and allowed her daughter to be abused by her boyfriend. She’ll never be a normal person ever and cannot function in a normal home without making everyone else suffer. I will not allow her in my home impacting my son’s life.
I truly feel the only
I truly feel the only possibility of this is if the "other" parent is no longer living and the skids live with bio-parent full time. AND if the child was a baby when the union occurred. Otherwise, we're all screwed LOL
I think it depends on the
I think it depends on the skids. Parents can overlook alot of ugly flaws and behaviors because they "birthed" a kid. If the skids are people that you might want to spend time with if they belonged to your friends or were extended family, you're okay. If they are little terrors or so stupid, it sends chills up your back to hear them talk, your probably not going to wind up a happy little family.
I really actually do like my skids. They really are generally good, respectful, fun, kids to be around. I had a very hard time late last year because I had embraced them wholeheartedly and expected them to do the same. Now that I've had time to think about it, I realize that they will never think of me first like they do their mom, but thats okay. They are really nice to DD3 and call her their sister, they introduce me as their stepmom, and hopefully with time, we'll get closer so that we do feel like a family. I think once they both get out of BM's house that will definately happen.