How would you handle living right down the road from SD?
I found out last night my husband is in discussions with SD23 and an attorney trying to get his 85 year old father's farm (actually not even his father but the man who raised him) into his (my DH) name so if his elderly father has to go into a nursing home the state will not take the property incase it's needed for payment. SD23 is already picking out plans to build her dream home there. In the will, the elderly father (my FIL) has willed everything to SD23. This entire situation is a total other issue for me, can we say GREED? (BTW, it's a 5 year period in our state that it has to be in someone else's name to protect it from this)
This property is less than a mile from my house. My DH has his shop up there along with all his farming equipment. If and when SD23 does build, she along with SD20, BM and all of BM family will be around, all the time. Along with my DH.
My husband tells me they (BM and her family) won't be around and acts like I'm overreacting. Give me a break, BM and SD's and BM's family are together every other day as it is.
I'm trying not to project into the future and I know this situation can go many different directions but my DH is going to try his hardest to secure that farm from ever being sold and being sure it's given to his DD's. But in reality my poor FIL is 85 and barely gets around as it is. We're talking sooner than later.
Would any of you be ok living that close to an adult SD, seeing the comings and goings of BM and having your husband up there every other day?
I don't know that I can do this.....I've vowed til death do us part but this may be an exception.
The saddest part of this entire situation is my elderly FIL. They are not even considering his future needs with living and healthcare, they are too worried about securing something for themselves. This entire situation has been talked about and handled behind my back, just between my DH and SD23. She even texted him the other day asking how many square feet "his house" was, I guess she is trying to size up plans for hers.
They all make me sick at this point, including my husband.
No I would not be comfortable
No I would not be comfortable with this and I'd feel upset if my H was hiding things behind my back. SD, BM living a mile away is too close for me and if you feel this is something you won't be able to live with....you should consider having a serious conversation with your H. Don't allow him to dismiss your feelings and make you think you're making too much out of it.
If the tables were turned I can guarantee he wouldn't like those arrangements either....but at the end of the day its all about you and what you feel you can live with. I don't buy into the whole "til death do us part". If I'm not happy its up to me to make it so. I won't give anyone else control over my life and how I live it.
Hugs to you. I know this is difficult and overwhelming all at once.
I could live with SD living a
I could live with SD living a mile up the road and BM and family visiting her there and being there often. It's still a mile away. What I could not live with is my husband being up there with them. If his shop and his equipment are on that property and he goes there frequently, I would NOT be happy. If the property is ultimately going to belong to SD23 and your husband uses the property for storage and is there on a regular basis, he's going to be somewhat beholden to SD23 and will have to stay in her good graces so she allows him to continue to use the property. I wouldn't like that, either.
I wouldn't really care for
I wouldn't really care for having relatives at all.. live that close to me.
But.. I do see your DH's point of not wanting to lose "family" property... it sounds like he might end up having access to it himself to farm possibly? so while it may seem a bit ghoulish to think about estate issues.. it is important for people to plan these things out. If it is important to people to keep family property.. then as you can see planning is needed.. and now may really be too late.
there is apparently are some exemptions to the lookback.. primarily one that might work ( but would probably be an option you guys would want to do) is if your DH (he is a son or adopted child?).. became a full time caregiver to his father.. for 2 years. but... of course there are stipulations that must be met.. so this isn't something to do lightly if you aren't following through.
Another option might be alternatively a reverse mortgage that might allow for him to have income to pay for care when he needs it.. and the home would be inherited with the obligation to either pay off or sell the house to pay the amount of the mortgage.. or take out a mortgage themselves.
Perhaps this last option would allow this gentleman to have his care met while still preserving the option for his GD to inherit if she is willing to take on a loan for the value of what is left "due".. which is likely to be lower than the property value by a decent amount.
oh.. and back to the "too
oh.. and back to the "too close" thing. I guess my thoughts is that while they will be a mile away.. it's not like they should be congregating on YOUR property... it might irk me that they would be around my DH though.. since he currently works from that property some... but if he can come and go without interacting.. maybe it won't be too bad.
I also am really bothered by
I also am really bothered by the fact my DH has kept this from me and it's been this discussion and secret between him and SD. I feel betrayed. There is nothing at that farm I want. My husband grew up there farming, I get it. But in this instance, aside from everything else, I feel like SD23 is the wife and I'm the roommate who is not allowed to know family business. It just makes my bitterness and resentment grow. I'm so angry I could explode.
I would also be mad that my
I would also be mad that my DH conspired to hide something like this from me. Whether you had a dog in the fight or not.. it would seem that he would share something about this in some general fashion...
Is there a reason why your FIL isn't wanting to pass it down to your DH.. or if to the grandkids.. why only SD23?
Unless you have a history of going "balistic" every time you hear something about your Skids.. I don't think he should have said nothing about it.
So my FIL and MIL raised my
So my FIL and MIL raised my DH as their own. Long story short, my MIL (btw passed 2 years ago) was actually my DH's babysitter and my DH's biological Mom gave him up to them to raise as she was young when she had him. FIL & MIL, have 1 biological son who has no children of his own. This son has been dishonest with some of their money so when my MIL passed my FIL changed his will leaving everything to my OSD because at that time she was the only grandchild of age. My YSD is now of age. They are the only 2. I guess in my FIL's thinking, if he left everything to my SD's there would be no argument between my DH and their bio son.
I don't know.. leaving a
I don't know.. leaving a family property to someone when they are young is a bit risky... nothing to say she couldn't decide to sell and blow the money... and not leaving it to his other granddaughter seems odd too.. her portion could be protected for her until she reached age of majority.
Personally, I wouldn't be worried about whether the bio son got mad.. I would put in the will some minor thing for him and state that I was doing that for a reason...lol.
Yea, the bio son is a pretty
Yea, the bio son is a pretty loose canon as it is. There are some mental health issues I believe with him and to my knowledge I'm pretty sure he is not aware of the will change 2 years ago.
FIL has not avoided arguments
FIL has not avoided arguments. Bio son is still going to be hurt. And YSD is going to be hurt also as FIL left everything to get sister.
I hope DH has a backup plan for his shop and tools. Otherwise h e is going to be beholden to his child.
I would hate it. Different
I would hate it. Different note...I don't understand this new trend of people leaving their assets to their grand kids. lol
I mean it is their money and they can do what they want with it but still...why by pass your kids to leave your life saving to your grand kids.
I agree with this. I am a
I agree with this. I am a little worried that my Inlaws will end up doing something like this and if they do.. it will be a train wreck. There are 3 grandkids on one side.. and two on my DH's side. The only inheritance of note are two houses (side by side).. and all along his parents had been intending to pass these homes.. one to my BIL and one to my DH.. we actually live in one of the houses part time (we are paying for that privilege right now lol). His brother lives in the inlaw suite behind the other home that his parents currently live in.
If the grandkids inherited.. it would be most likely just sold out.. and the money split up and squandered 5 ways from sunday. At least if we inherit one of the homes.. we would preserve that for my husband's two girls and it could be an asset that could benefit them as they near retirement. The house we live in is older and less valuable.. but there is an extra amount of land where a 2nd home could be built.. so in the end.. between the two SD's... they could technically both have a place.
Unfortunately, most of my inlaws grandkids would not be great stewards.. and they don't get along well with each other.. so fighting would likely ensue.
And.. I actually don't understand why a parent might not want their bio child to have the benefit of the asset in the event that they have a hardship or medical issue where they need that help at some point.
I know that what we have will eventually go to my SD's.. but if I need it? or my DH needs it?
I figure that what's left is left.. if we can leave them a legacy.. great. but if it isn't in the cards.. that's the way it works.
I would be really upset
If DH was going to be around his ex everyday. Time to think about DH moving his things off that property to some other place. Or move totally away to another location
We have had the SDs and BM
We have had the SDs and BM living a couple of miles up the road from us since 2002 when I moved in with DH. It hasn't exactly been a barrel of laughs - and we're finally moving an hour's drive away hopefully later this Spring.
I don't know how things work in the USA, but here in the UK, if you don't have sufficient funds to pay for nursing home care, (few people do as it's over £1000 per week) then you have to sell your property to pay the fees. So I would suggest SD doesn't start planning her inheritance yet.
Same here in the US!
Same here in the US!
I think that is what her DH
I think that is what her DH and his daughter are trying to do.. get the property transferred before he needs nursing home care.
Unfortunately, there is a 5 year lookback period on that.. so if they do it now.. and he needs to go into nursing home in 2 years.. won't work.
I'm a little unsure if putting it in her DH's name would really make things work out.. then it is no longer in the FIL name.. and wouldn't be going through his will any more... since he technically would no longer own it.
So.. it actually sounds like it's more likely that her DH would really own the property.. though he may try to give it to his daughter (s).
I think they would be very wise to speak with someone who really understands this.. because there ARE differences in basis of an asset etc.. that may be changed by doing this.. they need to understand what the best way to deal with it really is.
Read posts from she's driving me...
Her DH talked her into moving closer to SD and it was an absolutely nightmare. It doesn't appear your DH and you are totally agreeing on expectations, and this could get a bit tricky. Communication is the key. Let DH know your concerns and don't agree to anything you don't feel comfortable with. Contact with BM is not necessary. He can move his shop down to where he lives.
I would have no problem with
I would have no problem with SS living a mile down the road. I would also not have a problem living a mile down the road from my parents, or even closer. Neither would my wife.
She nor I would want to live anywhere hear her family.
It is all about the choices people make I think. Those who make good choices are worth living close to.