I had no idea it would be so hard with kids (especially step daughter!); I feel like I am drowning!
I am really grateful to find this site, it has made me feel so much better just knowing that so many people might understand what I am going through.
I am a new step mom of 2, a girl who is 6, and boy who is 8. My husband has joint custody of them so they are with us every other week for the whole week. I love them, and I am trying to love them the best I can and like a mother. However I am realizing that I had NO idea how difficult this would be! There are so many issues.... a huge one being that my husband and I just got married and the honeymooon phase does NOT exist! People keep asking me "hows married life?" and I have no idea what to say because there is no time to enjoy it! The time when the kids are there COMPLETELY revolves around them, and there is no time for us whatsoever. Him and I both work full time, and he leaves early in the morning, and first I get him off with breakfast and lunch and then I am rushing around getting the kids ready for school, making dinner so that its ready for them later, getting myself ready for work, etc. When the kids are there I almost always forget to eat breakfast myself, and half the time forget to bring a lunch for myself! The boy wets the bed almost every night so I am constantly doing laundry, which makes all the other laundry build up. Neither of them have a clue of how to entertain themselves or play by themselves, so a task like doing the dishes which should take 20 minutes ends up taking me 40, because I am never left alone! It is so exhausting to me that when we have the weeks when they are not there I am trying to catch up on everything from sleep to laundry, then we have no time together then either! When the kids are there it gets so stressful because we are both so worn out, that we get snappy with eachother, which is not like either of us. This upsets me so much! Its so hard because I did not have kids of my own and went into instant motherhood of two kids. I used to go to the gym 6 times a week, this almost never happens anymore. The only time to myself I have is if I go into the bathroom and shut the door. It is way more of an adjustment than I ever thought it would be, and it makes it even worse thinking that him and I spent more time together when we were just dating!
Thats just one of the issues. His son for the most part is a really great kid. He has his moments, and drives me up a wall sometimes, but I as a teacher I know all kids do this. But his daughter I am beginning to realize has a problem with me, which is causing me to have a major problem with her. I didnt realize until I slept there for the first night that she was sleeping with her dad. We put her to bed, and an hour later she came and climbed in bed. He said nothing, just allowed it. This happened the next few nights until I had it, and told him either I slept in the bed with him or she did, but not both of us. Our bed is a full size bed, because thats what he wanted, he likes to be close... but there is no room for all 3, AND a parents bed is a parents bed. I do not believe in kids in a parents bed. This was months ago and she never comes down anymore, but she lets me know that she doesnt like it. When he isnt there she asks me things like " When are you going to your house?" or "why dont you sleep upstairs, and I sleep with daddy?" I tell her I am his wife, and she is his child and that is the appropriate way to do things. She says that I cant be his wife because she is. When him and I are talking, she is constantly butting in. To be honest, his son has a bit of a problem doing that as well, but its different. The daughter does it purposely. I make home made dinners every night... which the kids are not used to. I work really hard to make sure they have clean clothes, home made food, and anythign they need. His daughter tells me that my food is "gross" when I know she likes it. The problem is I have started becoming jealous or resentful towards her now and it wasnt like that before. I came home a few months ago and he was laying on the couch with her because she was sick with a fever. He didnt get up to say hi to me or anything. He just smiled at me from the couch. Later he told me it was because if he got up she would start to cry. This girl is 6 years old, to me that is ridiculous. So that really bugged me. Now its getting to the point where if he touches her or shows her any affection it makes me jealous! I dont understand that, I am not like that! He has babied her so badly that it has made this adjustment for all of us so hard. and I feel like a horrible person! I am pretty sure I understand what happened...I know there is nothing weird going on. I have never gotten a red flag like that. I think because him and his ex were so miserable the entire time they were together, he was overly attentive towards his daughter. Since he had no real relationship with a woman, but still wanted love and attention from someone, the only thing I can guess is he tried to give and receive it from his daughter unknowingly. and now I have entered the picture and I am someone who he has a real give and receive relationship with, which now has caused her to be angry that she is not the center of his attention. I really noticed it a few months ago when I was around more and one weekend when the kids came over, he was hugging his daughter and paying so much more attention to her than his son. Later that night I found his son crying in his room and he said everyone loves his sister more than him. His dad (my husband) will get down to his daughters bed and hug and kiss her all over her face and say "goodnight sweetiepie" and then say to his son "night bud" and pat his shoulder. That night I gently brought it to his attention, and he saw what I was talking about and had never realized he was doing that....he said he knew he treated them different because shes a girl and hes a boy, but he said in no way did he have a favorite. He has really made a huge effort to change this now. His daughter is never allowed to sleep in our bed, he doesnt lay down with her in her bed, and he actually corrects her now when she is wrong (which he never did before). He still sometimes corrects her and says "honey" in it, which she obviously doesnt take seriously. The problem is now that its to the point that even when he calls her "honey" it bugs me...What is WRONG with me????? I feel like I am a bad person! I am never like this, I absolutely love kids, so I have no idea what my problem is and I cant help it. It is so frustrating! I was always a happy, silly, fun person and now I feel depressed and like crying all the time! This is not me, and I need to figure out what to do about it. Thank you for taking the time to read this, and please any advice is great ...even if it includes telling me what a selfish jerk I am! (cause I definitely feel that way)
Sorry if this isnt written well, I am in a huge rush 
You've come to the right
You've come to the right place! I am a stepmom to THREE SD's so I definitely feel your pain. I do have a couple of questions:
How did your DH manage to take care of the kids before you came around?? The reason I ask is because I think alot of your resentment comes from the fact that you are doing SO much for them. If you are feeling overwhelmed, you should take a step back and figure out what duties you can pass on to your DH. If he managed to take care of them before, he can certainly reclaim some of those duties again in order to alleviate some of your stress.
How long have you been married? It sounds like your DH didn't really bring them around until you guys were serious, which is exactly what mine did. You may just need some time to adjust. I completely understand how you can feel frazzled because at first I really wanted to be the best stepmom and ran myself ragged until I found myself crying at least once a day when we had them. Now we have schedules in place and DH takes his turns cooking dinner while I do laundry so it's not just me doing everything on my own.
It seems as though your DH is truly trying to change things, which is a big plus, but you may just need to sit down and have a discussion to find some mutual solutions. Good luck!
Welcome. No you are not
Welcome. No you are not crazy. No you are not selfish. I'm in no way, shape, or form an expert. But, from what I've read here and other places it sounds like "emotional incest".. The fact that you've pointed these things out, and he's working to correct them is a good sign. When fdh and I started dating he did these things ALL THE TIME! He still slips and calls the girls Baby (his name for me) or he will call for me and his girls will answer, infuriating! Its a big adjustment for everyone. Give it some time. And keep doing what you're doing, by pointing it out when he does these things, he'll get the point. Mine is, slllooooowwwlllyyyy! Good Luck!
Wow it sounds like you were
Wow it sounds like you were living exactly what I am now! When they are there I DO cry at least once a day! And instead of looking forward to them coming I dread it almost!
Its my fault that I do so much.... He was paying someone to come clean for him and she would do all the laundry, etc. As far as food, he just did quick instant dinners, and I remember growing up my mom always cooked home made, healthy food (she didnt work though). I am doing a lot, and I guess I put it on myself because I am so afraid to disappoint them. I start to get resentful towards the end of the week when I am exhausted and I feel like every minute is about the kids. We did just start a "date night" which I forgot to mention, and that is great.
We have been married now for 5 months. I met the kids about 10 months before we got married, but I didnt move in until we were married. And his daughter didnt seem so bad before then. Now she seems to want to push me out of the way. She doesnt realize that she is his child and I am his wife..... and its making me feel the same way towards her
ITs all so overwhelming and rough, and I end up feeling like no one understands, not even me!
Does any of this sound
Does any of this sound familiar?
http://www.hugoschwyzer.net/2009/10/22/princesses-princes-daughters-and-...
i agree with the other
i agree with the other comments I'm not sure why you are doing all the work here. YOU get them off to school, YOU make sure they have homemade food, YOU make sure they have nice clothes, YOU clean up after the pee mess? What exactly does your dh do? He needs to step up to the plate and take care of his kids. On the weeks that you have the kids maybe you can plan a girls night out, make a trip to the gym-think of it as time to focus on you-this also gives the kiddies plenty of quality time with dh so maybe they wont feel so threatened by you
Oh how I feel your pain... I
Oh how I feel your pain...
I became instant step mom to two kids- at the time, SS11 & SD14. I live with them full time. ugh. Now 14 and 16.
I was having very similiar issues with my step daughter and my husband. She was 14 and very angry that my husband loved me. She even said to him, sobbing, "I want you to look at me the way you look at her and hug me the way you hug her" (meaning me)!!! At 14 years old! I knew something seemed out of balance about that. My husband raised the kids on his own for 12 years, with no woman in his life. Clearly, there was some imbalance there. And as time went on, clearly she was behaving like his wife. It was very disturbing.
Someone on this site suggested to look up "emotional incest". I had never heard of it before but after looking it up and reading about it, it makes a lot of sense. It's taking a lot of reprogramming, if you will, on my husband's part, but trust me, it's worth it. The earlier you catch it, I think the better too. We are dealing with issues with both the kids that very likely came out of this.
It's tough. I did the same thing- EVERYTHING!!! the perfect step mom! Made breakfast, dinner, laundry, rides everywhere, going to every sports game, I could go on and on.
I had a fantasy of being "a family". It seemed the harder I tried, the more outcasted I felt. I hit a wall.
The best advice I can give you is find a way to take care of YOU!! And step back. Like someone above said- leave him with the kids, go to the gym, plan a girl's night! Trust me, it will make a huge difference, you'll feel more human. It took me almost 2 years to figure this one out, and if I can pass this on to you to make your life a bit more manageable, I'll sleep better knowing I could pass on the hard lesson I learned and maybe you won't suffer quite as long.
Hope this helps...
Whoa. What is DH's share of
Whoa. What is DH's share of the labor in this scenario? You need to be splitting stuff roughly evenly, and frankly he should be taking on the bulk of the childcare when he is home. I guess if you enjoy making everyone's meals, doing everyone's laundry, and doing all the childcare, that's different, but NO ONE deserves to feel this overwhelmed and taken for granted.
Don't hesitate to set some boundaries. These aren't your kids, and you shouldn't be the primary caretaker unless you are staying at home with them. You are there to support DH so HE CAN BE THE PARENT. Maybe on the weeks you have the kids, they can go to Grandma's for 1 weekend night or something so you & DH have some time alone. Or if Grandma isn't an option, get a few reliable babysitters lined up for when you need a break.
Also has your SS been evaluated by a doctor? Wetting the bed is pretty traumatic for a kid, and by 8 yrs old that is pretty unusual, he may have some sort of medical problem.
And one more thing...go to the gym and don't feel guilty about it!! You will feel so much better.
wow, I already feel more
wow, I already feel more human reading these responses! Its so hard just getting married and feeling like you completely miss out on the honeymoon and go straight into motherhood, and loads and loads of laundry, and book reports(this is torture when you have a kid who refuses to read), racing to get everything done, and then to be treated like this by.the kids. I know his daughter, even as young as she is knows what she is doing when she tries to make my life more difficult. Its so overwhelming, and hard...but it definitrly makes it a little easier knowing there are people in my shoes. Im trying so hard, and its so frustrating. I will try do what people have suggested with going to the gym or girls night. My husband is a very hard worker and I know has not purposely put all this on me, but he constantly has projects on the.house he wants to get done, and I dont think he realizes how hard this is. The dynamics with the kids tjere makes everything so much more stressful,
especially when you aare trying to establish your marriage! Oh did I mention our house is the same house he had wiyh his ex
Oops! Anyway, its not smart
Oops! Anyway, its not smart for us to sell this house now which I get but thats been hard too! Moving into their home.
He (husband) really tries to
He (husband) really tries to gelp and he tells me doesnt expect all this of me...but he would hire someone to come.in and do it if I didnt. Cause he has so much to.do too. I dont think anyone.can understand how hard being a step mom is, when you have never had kids and all of a sudden you have someone elses! I know I had no clue till now! My husband just wants to make me happy and doesnt get that what he.thinks should make me happy doesnt make this easier!
If he has the money or y'all
If he has the money or y'all can make it work....take him up on his offer! Hire a maid, send out the laundry, join a gym that has child care, etc.
No reason to feel guilty for making your life easier if the money is there.
3 - 5 years??!! Oh my gosh, I
3 - 5 years??!! Oh my gosh, I hope it at least gets better over that time! I dont know if I can handle this taking that long to adjust! I told him today that I didnt marry him just to become a housewife and mom, and that this is how I am feeling and feeling completely unappreciated. He is genuinely concerned and wants to make it better but I worry that we will just keep having these conversations. Eventually I will shut down and not want to talk anymore! Thank you for the support and any advice! I wish I knew what I could do better on my part to change things. :sick:
Thank you, its so nice to
Thank you, its so nice to have understanding and support. It was o hard for me to talk to friends about it, because even though I know theyd be supportive of me, I know they wouldnt really understand. Just venting and being able to see that I am not alone makes it so much easier. I decided that tonight I am going to try to talk to him about it. He is so patient with me, and he agrees with me on most things regarding the kids, so I am sure it wont cause a fight or anything like that. We really never fight to be honest. I think mainly we get frustrated when we dont understand eachother but that is just part of marriage. But when you add kids to that equation it makes it so much harder. I am going to be completely up front with him and explain to him that its gotten to the point where I dont really look forward to the kids coming over anymore, and I dont want it to be that way. I am going to explain to him the things I see that influence this, and at the same time accept things that come along with having kids (like being an unappreciated mom until they have kids themselves! haha) And I am also going to look into getting some time away at the gym on the weekends that we have them. I havent done that because I feel guilty. I guess I just need to get past that!
I just hope him and I can work together to make this easier. I feel like I've tried to talk about it so many times, and its easier said than done!
I don't know how you can put
I don't know how you can put up with this. They are his children not your own children. They are your step-kids. He's the one who the most part need to take care of them not letting you do all the things by yourself. It's so unfair and I'm so mad at guys who did this to his wife especially bringing 2 step kids along with marriage. It's very tough for you and you must love him very much to be able to tolerate that well with this.
Don't spoil him and let him be a father if he wants to brings kids to live with you guys. It's gonna get worst I'm telling you. You have long road to go with these 2 kids. You need to talk to him that he needs to be more involved to take care of these 2 kids at lease helping you in the morning with their laundry and their lunch things.
You let his go for too long, that girl will turn to be a brat and it will be difficult for you in the future and it will risk your marriage.
Good luck
Whatever you feel is so
Whatever you feel is so normal! Don't feel bad to yourself. you are not a bad person and I feel for you. Hope things will get better.
I totally get it!!!!! I
I totally get it!!!!! :sick:
I think it totally grosses us out because it has the potential to be out of balance.
check out these links:
http://debrakaplancounseling.com/articles/emotional-incest/
http://www.hugoschwyzer.net/2009/10/22/princesses-princes-daughters-and-...
BTW- Order the book
BTW- Order the book "Stepmonsters" TODAY!!!
IT WILL CHANGE YOUR LIFE!
And to "NIV", you and I have similiar circumstances and given what I've been through with my husband and SD and all the reading I've done- this behavior with your husband and his daughter will only create so much imbalance from so many directions. Not so appropriate. Check out these links...
http://www.hugoschwyzer.net/2009/10/22/princesses-princes-daughters-and-...
http://debrakaplancounseling.com/articles/emotional-incest/
You are so welcome Niv!! I
You are so welcome Niv!!
I also, had never heard of this before and someone on this site posted to check it out and boy am I glad I did! It has made such a difference for me. I brought it up immediately to my husband as soon as I read the link. I was definitely worried about how he would handle hearing it, but he was already starting to see some things on his own and really in the moment he had to courage to take a look at his behaviors/actions. He saw it right away. I would bring it up very lovingly and not from a space that he will feel threatened, you know? I brought it up from a place of serious concern. And that was really genuinely how I felt.
I TOTALLY GET YOUR EXPERIENCE!! Especially of being an intruder and feeling so grossed out and or jealous of husband's affections. And it feels so good to have a safe space on this website to express our feelings and have support and no judgement. I always thought it was me that must be the only person in the world having these thoughts and feelings and what a jerk I was for having them!
WE ARE NOT ALONE!!
Thank goodness for that
Im sorry I havent responded!
Im sorry I havent responded! Busy weekend, but I did talk to him a bit and it really helped me! I will explain later when I get to my computer! Thank you for all the support!
Here's a scary thought - one
Here's a scary thought - one of my step daughters is 21, she still sits on her dad's lap and calls him "daddy". This has been going on for the past 4 years. His 15 year old daughter calls him daddy still but is not near as clingy. Whenever they use to come over, I was a ghost. I was very jealous of his girls too. I had to tell him time and time again that I didn't appreciate being treated like I didn't matter when his girls came over. He has gotten better but it still happens. Bottom line -his girls will always be his number 1 priorty. I have learned to live with it.
Ewe, that is gross. I do
Ewe, that is gross.
I do understand though. SO acts different with me when SD is around. I even notice he isn't quite as affectionate. I now just make myself scarce when she is around with him. I NEVER want to be around them together. He isn't like this with SS.
Ok well I ordered
Ok well I ordered "Stepmonster", and from what the reviews say it looks like a really great book. I cant wait to get it, I will for sure let you guys know how it is!
I did talk to him Friday night. I told him that I needed to be honest with him about how I have been feeling, and that even though I dont dread the kids coming over, it looks like its heading that way. He told me he was of course willing to do whatever he needed to do to make things better for me. I told him that the first thing is they need to respect me AND our relationship. If they feel like they are always first to him, they will never respect our marriage. I told him that if him and I are talking we need to not allow them to interrupt us. And there is nothing wrong with him and I needing a few minutes to ourselves while they entertain themselves. Up until now, both of their parents have catered to them. They have no idea how to entertain themselves or anything like that.
I told him that when they are there its gotten to the point where I dont feel like I am married, I feel like a worn out house keeper and thats not how it should be ever. I explained that I used to look forward to them coming, and now I dont at all, and I find myself having to mentally prepare myself for the week a few days before they come. He definitely was upset because he feels responsible for how I feel and for these issues, but I told him I dont want him to be upset, I just need his help changing some things. He still has no idea of how hard this really is, and I wish somehow I could make him see that. I dont blame him, and I know hes trying to understand but he cant unless hes been there!
Hi my name is Nazia I am an
Hi my name is Nazia I am an associate producer with a talk show in NYC we have a celebrity host and we are looking for blended families. Are you in a blended family and need help? we have a great expert that can help. This is a great show with a very well known host who is caring and heartfelt. This is for real people with real stories who want to share their experiences! please call me for more details: 212 275 8925.
-All expenses paid.
Thank you!
Nazia