I think this happens quite often in stepfamily relationships.

We say "in intact families..." all the time. But the reality is that things like parents holding kids in their laps, and the parent's not sitting next to the other parent, happen in intact families every day. I think the bracelet is ok too, so long as its not an ultra-expensive one and it's from from one of those storebought kits.

What isn't normal is the sleep. I was sleeping on my own by age 6. I think once this stops, and she's learned to sleep on her own, you will feel a lot better about the other stuff.

Having a talk with DH about this can help. Make sure to begin by telling him that you love that he is close with his DD and you want that to continue. Then calmly segway into talking about your feelings. Be very careful to not take an accusatory tone. Listen to what he has to say, and focus on the areas you both agree on so you can find a fair solution for everyone. Maybe you both could share a special glance a few times a day. Maybe you both could say "I love you" more often. Maybe you could take 10-15 minutes a day to just talk to each other when the kids are there, and don't let them interrupt you unless it's an emergency. In turn, you can tell them that you'll show them the same respect when they're having one-on-one time with their dad. Kids need to learn that good relationships are two way streets.

There's nothing wrong with you or your SD. Dad has a problem. I'm all for dads showing their kids affection, but your husband is taking it too far.

I couldn't agree more with the others! Therapy for him, and maybe all of you. I'm new to all of this step-parenting too. But, it sounds like he needs some one to tell him his father/daughter boundaries are a little out of whack.
I understand the jealousy issues you are having, I go through them also. I have 2 sd's and the constant hugging and "I love you, Daddy" drives me insane! I felt like the worst person on the planet, then I found this site! I thought I was the only one who felt this way.
I'm not, you're not, from what I've read on this web-site its normal. Good luck.

I think your feelings are completely normal, and you are NOT wrong for feeling that way. I would recommend talking to your husband and just explain how you feel and give him examples like what you wrote here. Maybe also explain that it is not healthy for her to be so dependent on him, especially the sleeping part. At some point she needs to be in her own bed. Just think, she may be 6 now, but does he still want her in his bed when she's 12??

I'm new to the forum. Been reading it for awhile, but when I read your post, I felt compelled to create an account and reply...

Real quick - I've been with my boyfriend for 15 months, and he has a 12 year old daughter that he's extremely close with, and a 10 year old son. I don't have any kids, and I've never dated a man who has children (so I'm very new to this game).

What I want to tell you is: IT'S NOT YOU!!!! And research shows IT IS NOT YOU!!! You're not a bad person or wrong for feeling the way you do!!! Everything you're feeling is totally normal! And your DH isn't a bad guy either - he's just torn (mostly out of guilt) and just doesn't know WHAT he's supposed to be doing!

Lots of people would like to say that we (as stepmoms - or like me, a soon-to-be stepmom) should be altruistic, selfless, immune to jealousy, forever understanding, etc - everything you said in your post. But we are HUMAN, and you can't deny that, escape it, or pretend otherwise. It's only NATURAL for us to sometimes feel alienated, jealous, like we're on the outside looking in, or second best, etc. And ESPECIALLY if DH is behaving the way he is.

For quite awhile, I felt the EXACT same way as you described. And I think DH had a somewhat inappropriate relationship with his daughter (very similar to how you described). But then I found the book "Stepmonster - A New Look At Why Real Stepmothers Think, Feel, and Act The Way We Do" by Wednesday Martin, and that changed EVERYTHING - and all for the better, for ALL of us.

I absolutely devoured the book, and highlighted, took notes, etc. (Most of it is phenomenal - a bit of it is in depth and technical - but I suggest reading all of it.) I then shared my highlights with DH and things have been SO SO SO much better. Even the kids seem SO much happier!

No feelings of competition. No feelings of jealousy. (By me or SD - and she was clearly feeling that way too.) No feelings on DH's part of feeling torn or guilty. ALL of our relationships have VASTLY improved since DH made some minor (but significant) changes. And FINALLY he and I are on the same page as to how to handle our relationship, and the SKids in relationship to us.

I cannot recommend this book enough. It TRULY has been a lifesaver. I think I would have given up on all of this a long time ago had it not been for this book. Best of luck to you!

yes you do have a problem. She is just a little girl that has had her parents split up. He is her father that knows he failed in a way to give her the best family life. The bed sleeping with her father should stop its ok sometimes my daughter jumps in bed with my partner and I and we all cuddle. Try being nice and cuddling her too, help make her a braclet join in? No warning signs here??? He just loves his daughter and you wll always be second best. Im sorry but thats just the way it is. You have to ask her self if she was your biological child would you feel the same way? NO you would be happy that he is such a great father and not like some deadbeats out there. Your just jealous and its to be expected aka Snow White an Cinderella. ITs just human nature I suppose you would have to be an actual parent to understand a parents love for there child yes its a different kind of love your is a sexual lust. However love for a child in the most powerful and motivating love in the world. I suggest go see a therepist get your head sorted out. There a family your th intruder you either love the kids like he does or just leave otherwise you will become bitter old evil stepmother.

I'm all for allowing a kid to crawl in bed if they've had a bad dream, but every night? I'd go nuts! Especially during the 1 year of marriage!
Your DH more than likely has guilt-issues about not being able to be there 100% of the time for his kids, and that's going to be an on-going issue.

I'd present it to him in a "this isn't good for our marriage" rather than using terms like "emotional incest". I think using the term "emotional incest" would be like adding gas to a fire! Telling him that you don't want to put your intimate time on hold when the s-kids are there. That's not healthy for your marriage. Make *your* bed off limits!

You don't mention how your DH is with SS. Does he go overboard there too? I think another issue to raise with your DH is how "favoring" SD over SS can be very hurtful to SS (even if at 8 he doesn't know it yet).

Finally, you say "Sometimes I feel like I am there to fill a void that he has when she isnt there... and then when the kids come, I dont matter as much." Since you've felt this way more than once, to me this is a HUGE problem. I think you need to tell him that soon. As your husband, he needs to be aware that he's (unintentionally) hurting you. If you let this go, your hurt will just get bigger and bigger and end up ruining your marriage.

Sounds like your SD and DH need to be put in their place. When my SD10 was about 8 years old she began "competing" for DH's attention and we had no issues with it before. I'd get it under control now. Once she turned 8 she began taking "my seat" on the couch (DH and I sit on the couch in our own spots every night). She began running to the door to get the first hug and kiss. Fortunately she's never been allowed in our bed. Also fortunately, my DH couldn't stand her behavior. He kicked her out of my seat without any prompting because he knew what she was doing. He also dragged her across the room to kiss me first without prompting because nothing between us changes whether she's here or not.

I recommend you have a serious discussion with him regarding your feelings. Whether your right or wrong, open communication is always the best way in my opinion.

You shouldn't have to feel 2nd in a step family. Your partnership is first.

I've been with my DH for 3 years and one of the first big issues we faced was the bedtime issue. He was just like your DH- guilty daddy spoiling his daughter and setting no boundaries. There is no way in a hell a kid especially at that age needs to be sleeping in bed with daddy. Your DH needs to put her in her place. No, it's not her fault- he's the one who put her on the pedestal- but still, the fact remains he needs to put her in her place and in her OWN BED. When DH, SD and I all moved in together I had to lay down the law as far as what goes on in my bed and let me say NO SKIDS ARE ALLOWED. It was hard getting SD (and DH) used to this, but it had to be done. I am not snuggling with a skid and I am not going to be pushed to the side in my own bed. No way, no how. You need to make your bed off limits to the skid.

I TOTALLY UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU FEEL. Gosh. i found this page whilst searching for some solace, as i am going through the same, only difference is, my DH has THREE daughters, ages 12,9 and 7. And he is incredibly affectionate with all 3. Yes, hugs, sitting on laps, kisses on lips. It makes my eyes water and heart go SINK. everytime. And i have only been married to him 4 months.
Once when i had a girly night out, to stay with a friend, and his youngest the 6yr old,n slept in our bed when i wasnt there. He always had two of them sleep with him when is was his weekend with his daughters but now, i find this awkward. , (even going out for a day with my friend was a challenge as he wants me around him all the time, but i need my own space, and being new here in the country i have only made two friends and one of them lives local )
He is so loving naturally with his daughters, i understand he misses them, his ex wife is not exactly easy to deal with. And so when he is with his girls, he is so affectionate.,but forgets about me. Thats what bugs me.
His 3 girls and I get along very well. The younger two are very sweet with me. The eldest, 12 year old is becoming a little more opinionated, i try and take it with a pinch of salt. Knowing that she gets influenced by her mother. Who has made it clear that she is not willing to be easy going with me.
So when i see his kissing them on their lips, they way he looks at them. Hugs and all. When they should be for me. I feel so sad.
I cried so much just yesterday over this. And hated myself for being like this.

My husband and I have been been married for 2 years. He has a 20 year old stepdaughter. He was never in love with her mother so from the time SD was born, she got ALL of his love and attention. Then I came along. My husband and I actually were each others first boyfriend/girlfriend at 16 years old. We dated for a while then broke up and we did not see or hear from each other for 30 years. We both got married to other people and then divorced. My husband and i reconnected on Facebook. A real love story indeed.

I moved in with him for 1 year so that he could be with his daughter till she finished high school. After she finished high school, My husband and I moved from Georgia back to Missouri where we both grew up. That was the plan before I moved in with him and before we got married. His daughter had a choice to come to Missouri to be with us but she has stayed in Georgia for now.

The problem I have, is the relationship between my husband and SD. He poured his whole life in her and is like obsessed with her. It drives me so mad and causes me to be so jealous. He will drop anything for her even if it is not an emergency. If we are having date night and she calls or texts, he will answer immediately. I feel with her being 20 years old, we should be able to have a few hours without accepting calls/texts from either of our kids. When I lived with them, she would be taking a shower, naked, wet and yell for him to come in the bathroom, she needed a towel, or shampoo, or whatever. As a new wife and in our "honeymoon stage", he would leave me a note on the bathroom mirror or my lunchbox for work but, he would leave her a note in her bathroom on her mirror and her lunchbox as well. I feel like the only difference between his daughter and myself is he has sex with me. One time we were home alone and in the bedroom doing what husband and wife do and she walked in the house. He dropped me cold turkey and went in the living room to talk to her. It made me so mad, we got into one of our biggest arguments ever that night. Like he doesnt want her seeing or knowing we have an intimate relationship. Ridiculous! He always would text her goodnight and that he loved her every single night before he went to bed. She would usually be out with friends or working when we went to bed. Especially after her graduating I just hated that he kept doing this. We would both be ready for bed and he would go in the bathroom with his phone and text her. I would be in be waiting for him, knowing he is texting some other woman. She is not 10 years old anymore and doesnt need to be told good night. He has all day to text her and call her to let her know he loves her. When we do get into an argument, he will call her and talk bad about me. I never call my sons when my husband and I argue. Our kids do not need to know when we argue and what we argue about. All that did was put more jealousy, tension and stress in the relationship between his daughter and I. Anytime anything is mentioned with his daughter, he automatically goes in this defense mode for her. He will always defend her over me or put me down if it will make her look better.

I Know my husband loves me and is crazy about me. But his daughter is number one and always will be. I need help in dealing with this. Any advise would be greatly appreciated.

This is truly a venting forum.

You all need to understand you are taking this WAAAY to far. Emotion incest?! Warnings?! I mean, sure, maybe in some very odd and rare cases, but this guy seems like he just loves his daughter and probably feels guilty for the life he's putting her through with a torn home. If he's like me, he is trying to make up for time he loses with shared custody as well as the emotional needs he may not see his children getting from their mother since they aren't in the same home anymore and he isn't present for that. 

I agree the kids should be in their own bed and the phsycial stuff really (kissing) may really need to lighten up big time. That all being said, I get you are jealous, but it's really because you aren't getting the attention you want or feel you deserve as part of a relationship. 

Here are some truths and things probably going through his mind:

- he only has a few more years until the kids are less dependant and want to spend time with him

- he feels guilty for making their lives more difficult by living in a split family

- he loves you and you fulfill the needs he has a loving, nurturing man

- he needs you to incorporate yourself more into the kids lives

- he feels guilty for putting you on the backburner, but sees you as someone who should understand

- you will never be loved by him the same way he loves his children

- your needs are important, but so are theirs and they need him more than you do

- let him be a parent and understand you input is welcome but he makes the decisions

.. and here's the hard one: You will never be more important to him than they are.

You said: 

One other day, I drove over there from work and its about an hour drive.... I got there and was trying to carry a ton of stuff in the door, I was starting to try to move in. I came in the door and he was on the couch holding her like a baby. I felt hurt that he didnt even get up to come give me a hug and a kiss since it had been a few days, or help me get my stuff in.

Yikes, he sounds like a douche. I'd have been up and helping, would have had any kids helping as well. I think almost any self-respecting parent would.

The rest of your concerns... well, it sorta comes with the territory. I'll say, straight up, it's not normal - but it's typical. If you don't let them know your feelings, they won't know it bothers you - and it will continue. So consider saying, "Honey-bunny, whenever you leave this work all to me without helping, I get the feeling you don't have my back, or that having my back is a conditional deal. I know you wouldn't be that way, so this behavior is really uncharacteristic of what I believe you are all about. It'd be awesome if you could be more aware and help out."

As for the mini-wife stuff, I'll recommend the four of you go to a counselor to get a third-party to get everyone on track with OPENING UP TO ACCEPT YOU AS FAMILY and then to REJOIN YOU AS A GROUP THAT INCLUDES YOU ALL. A lot of these biofolks have lifelong relationships and if Rodney Dangerfield ever said it right, he adjusted his necktie as he said, "Woahh, TOUGH CROWD!" You will sometimes be treated as an intruder, and intruders are the enemy... aliens... outsiders... as if you're a plague. They'll (understandably) want to inoculate the family aginst your different values - your meals will not taste good, your decor will not be pretty, your clothes will not be appropriate, and all that stuff. A third party will be best, especially one who will act not on anyone's behalf, but to advocate the "in between," the relationships between all of you.