it depends what are we talking about? we need a bit more info. If it is a trip to a play off football game, No that is a right of passage between a father and son. If it is a trip to the ice cream shop down the road yes if they are leaving her behind to just do that.
Well no, not always in every single instance. Just like if he bought SD a bra-- I'm sure BS wouldn't need to get the same thing.
However, if we're talking about major things, I do think there should be some tit for tat. Unless, of course, SD is completely undeserving. For example, if we're talking about DH helping them with college--if they both do relatively well and attend classes, then I'd say he should help one the same as the other. If, however, DS is making the effort but SD is slacking off and skipping classes, then obviously she does not deserve the same support.
It's difficult to answer this question broadly. It depends on the situation and the children's behaviors.
Oh I didn't mean the stepparent should contribute. I meant the biological parent--DH in this case. Maybe I'm confused; I thought DS and SD were both his children.
EDIT: OOOH, I read this totally wrong. I see now. Oops.
From what I understand your daughter is 4 and he has been in her life for 9 months. It might be too early for this discussion. As she gets older her bio dad might have more means to support her than you and your BF. I do not get my SD everything that I get my BD bc they for one are not the same age and second my SD has more financial support than my BD does. At four this doesnt seem like a big deal to get them each the same, but for now he is the BF not a longtime stepdad either. I give them each different things. It all depends on what the child needs. Sometimes my Sd just wants my time and in the same night my BD wants to be left alone. Sd is 15 and BD is 11. My SD has too many material things whereas my daughter knows some of this stuff is too expensive for us to get her let alone not things we would personally like for her to have. It is just too early for him to make the commitment to do everything for your daughter as he does for his son. I would have to side with him on this one. She is 4 you don't know what the future holds. Are you willing to commit to a thrid of his son's college expense at this moment?
He does believe that SD's behavior is out of control. His SD is 4 and his DS is 2. So we are not talking about big things like college. I think that I do for both equally but he doesnt think so. He says that I have a higher standard for him and his son than I do for me and my daughter. I am open to the fact that this maybe true. I think he is talking about everything he does for his son. If he buys one candy he has to buy the other, if he hugs his son he has to hug his SD, if we take his son bowling on a weekend where its just him we have to take the other bowling when he gets back, etc.
Fair, nothing is fair. My SO when I met him always did for SD what he did for SS. And if SS did something SD wanted to do it to.
I told him it is rediculous and it is. SS14 should be abe to do things only a boy does, and a 14 yr old does. Like wise SD11 should be able to do things a girl does and an 11 yr old does. She is a girl, yes I said it a girl. I raised girl and there are differences.
Maybe what you should ask is that equal time/energy/financial is done for each, not equal activites etc. Buying my fss14 candy would mean nothing to him, he doesn't really like candy. But fsd11 has a hugh sweet tooth. Children are each unique and different, and no it shouldn't be the same. FS14 does not go to bed when sd11 does. FS14's activities cost more than Fsd11's do.
Do you see the point? You just don't want your child to be left out. I understand that but things do not need to be equal in every area for a child to be getting what they need.
I cannot love my fskids like I love my Bio in only 3 yrs so guess what it can never be equal or fair.
So I am thinking of telling DH that our expectations for what we give our kids should be based on what they need. Not what the bio-parents expect the step parent to give them. What is fair is remembering that each child is different. What is equal is making sure each childs needs are met. Does that sound right?
Sounds good to me But who decides what the child needs? That can be a tuff one too. Just let it be known you will not stand for him treating the kids differently when they are together and go from there. If he wants to spend a little more one on one time and a little bit more money on his DS then do the same for your DD. Just as long as when all of you are together the kids feel loved equally or at least treated the same. I will tell you there are times when one kid is your favorite. I think it has to do with their age and your own age. There were times when I would have much rather have been around my SD than my own daughter. Right now my Sd is 15 and I enjoy my BD (11) more. But when my SD was the same age I rather be with her than my BD who was 6 at the time. It comes and goes.
I dont agree with that. Are you telling me you would think it is right for your son to get an upperhand but not your daughter. THEY ARE KIDS! We aren't talking about when they go to work. We are talking about a 2 yr old and a 4 yr old! What the heck? It is a family environment not a freaking work place! Kids should always be given the chance to be treated equally while they are young from their family. Letting Johnny have an ice cream cone because his sister is having one is the same as saying your promoted bc your sister is. COME ON REALLY! They have plenty of time to realize life is not fair! I think testingdestiny was just asking if they are both there at the same time should the kids be made aware one is favored over the other. OF COURSE NOT! We all know kids will need different things at different ages, but who would want to feel like they are any less loved than their equal conterpart! I know I wouldn't.
No, I don't think he has to do everything the same for both kids. He should strive for equality where possible, but I don't think there's been enough time for you to be upset with him if he does something for his son and not your daughter.
I definitely don't think he needs to hug both children. I still don't hug BF's kids, and I've been in their lives for two years. You cannot force affection.
If you feel that he's not even trying with your daughter, and becomes defensive at the topic, then maybe you should consider whether or not this is a relationship you wish to pursue.
This is a tough one......it depends on a lot of diff things. My BD has been raised that DH is her Biodad. Her Bio has only seen her one time when she was 2 weeks old......and that was 13 years ago. So, I believe he should treat both the same......I on the other hand don't give my SD15 every single thing I give or do for BD. I guess it should be play by play / pick your battles.
I guess it is one of those things where you just have to observe as time goes on. It's hard to come right out and say I will do for your child as much as I will do for mine. I don't think that if you take his son bowling one weekend alone that you have to take your daughter bowling the next weekend. It just whatever works out. Now if they are both present at the same time they need to be treated the same in that moment. Heck I do that to my BD's and SD's friends when they are with us. You don't take all the kids in the candy store and just get one a piece of candy. That is just plain mean. On the other hand if I take my BD to the movies one weekend I don't make it a point to take my Sd to the movies the next time we have her. Your kids each assuming the bio dad is in the picture have other housholds that do for them. It is just imossible to make everything equal. One thing that has always gotten under my skin is when BIO mom drops off SD and she brings in fast food. If she was going to do that she should have asked if my BD wanted something. When my Sd wants me to make her my lemon bars and she wants to take them home I make sure there is enough for all of the bio moms kids not just my SD. That was instilled in me from my mother since I was very young. she always said don't invite a friend to go out and expect them to pay for themselves. Never give one thing to a child and not the others if they are around. Basically use the golden rule and think of yourself as a child and how you would feel if it was you! I love my mother we never had money but she always made sure that when my friends were over she did for them what she did for us.
He does for his and I do for mine. Anything beyond that is a bonus. As for college, he will pay for his and I will pay for mine.
Christmas - I buy what I want for his son and spend more on my son. He spends pretty evenly on Hannukah for them.
I do not think you can ever be even. It is impossible. If your child is not his biologically, you can not expect him to do the same as he would for his own bio.
These responses are amazing! Very helpful and I can not thank you guys enough! I think what I am going to do is write down my expectations for myself as a step-mom, a mom and for him as a step-dad. then discuss it with him. see if my expectations are realalistic to him and then invite him to do the same. I am not writing down my expectation for him as a father. that is not my place until we have chidren of our own. I will begin to keep a journal too. Just so I can see what the track record is saying. I cant keep fighting with him over the same issues. I have to find a solution. I dont fight to be right I fight for a solution.
I think its all so situationally specific. They are different ages, different genders, and are in your home different amounts of time. I would imagine that he sees his son less than your guys have your daughter. So if he does exactly the same for both on the weekends he with you guys, does that mean he shouldn't do anything for or with your daughter when he's not here, so that its still equal? He's trying to fit all his fatherly duties into whatever time he has his child, where as your daughter is there all the time (making this assumption) . If ss needs new clothes cause he grew, that doesn't mean that your daughter needs a new wardrobe as well. But at the same time, he shouldn't run into the gas station and buy candy, chips and soda for his kid, and leave your kid in the back seat with nothing.
My Dh got bent out of shape about this when I had our bio son. Saw me buying clothes for the baby constantly, and not buying for ss (then 7) and SD (then 6) (we have full custody of his kids). When our bio son turn 9 months he finally spoke up (well flipped out really) about buying more clothes for bio son. But what he wasn't taking I to account was that bio son NEEDED clothes, because he was a new size every three months, and ss and sd didn't need anything as they had more than enough clothes that still fit them. Once I laid it all out for him, he understood... And felt really stupid about it. Being fair doesn't mean exactly the same at every moment.
On the flip side, at Xmas I bought each child the same number of gifts. I ended up spending way way more on the stepkids, as they are 8 and 9 and their stuff is way more expensive. Yeah, it irked the crap out of me to spend more money on kids that aren't mind and don't appreciate anything I do, but it was the fair thing to do. I could have said, well I am going to spend equal amounts of money and my bio son will just have twice as much stuff, but its equal monetarily......but that wouldn't have been the fair thing to do.
It's just a balancing act. And its not a bad lesson for you bd to learn that life isn't always equal and fair....sometimes you just have to suck it up and deal.
I think that the aha moment of all of this is that my expectations do not match his. I need to figure out what is important and what I expect from us both and then ddiscuss with DH. That way, we can refine our expectations and be on the same page. Its not my place to have expectations on how he should be a dad. I am not his son's mom and I really have no say in how he is raised. I can focus on my daughter and that is where the real responsibiity lies. Its not about tearing him apart about his parenting skills. It is what he is doing to me and I dont like it. This situation needs a hero that is going to say enough is enough. I am going to say it... I am not afraid to admit that my expectations may be wrong.
I have a SD12 and BD3 and BS1. I always used to go shopping and if I bought something for BD, I felt I had to spend the same amount of money for SD (before BS was born). It was very difficult. I was always asking myself "is this fair?" I got fed up with being a "people pleaser" and talked to one of SD's counselors about it. He said life is not fair. He said I can buy for BD sometimes and buy for SD other times. He said I don't need to keep a running total but instead buy as I choose. If BD is extra good and SD is extra bad...don't worry about keeping it even close to even. He said one Christmas I could spend $200 on one and $500 on the other...perhaps just because one needs/wants more expensive things. Then the next Christmas he said we could switch and spend more on the other. He said to do whatever I felt like but to stop always worrying about being fair.
I agree with the counselor to a point. I think one should try to be "fair" but that might mean sometimes one gets left out or doesn't get as much...but then next time they get more. I don't think you need to take the extreme I used to...if BD needs a new shirt and SD doesn't, only buy BD one and don't worry about being "fair" for things like that.
I don't think it should ever be obvious to the kids that one always gets left out and the other doesn't...but the score doesn't have to be even at all times.
As far as the college thing goes, children living with bios have two parents for help...children in blended families have two sets of parents...four helping them out. Therefore, I think the bios with only one set of parents should get more help than the steps with two sets of parents.
It worked! Amazingly enough my plan to outline expectations worked and my DH is finally talking to me again and being the sweet man I fell in love with! Turns out that there were many expectations we had for each other that were not the same or that the other one was not aware of. I was able to lower my standards for him to a more fair and reasonable manner. And I was able to understand where he was coming from. The biggest moment, he was hurt that I dont trust that he will make the best decisions that are in the best interest of my DD. He was hurt more than anything else and I had to let go of the idea that he was just out to hurt my DD. He made it clear that he didnt hate my daughter and that he forgives her as she is a child. All things that were wrong but I was holding against him. He feels as if his time with his DS is special as he does not have him nearly the same amount of time that we have my DD.
I never would have been able to live up to his expectations because I didnt know what they were.
Here are few of the expectations we laid out for each other:
Always be kind.
Be approachable and open to the SO's opinion and feelings.
Trust that the other SO has the best intentions for the SD or SS.
Always be there for the SD or SS when needed.
Forgive the SD and SS. They are children.
Bring up issues before they are too much to handle.
Always be aware of our own children's actions so that they are not hurting the step-parent when the bio is not looking.
Trust that when one parent says something is going on, it is actually happening. No need to question each other.
Talk about these issues after the kids are in bed or with their other bio parents. Not in front of them for 2 reasons: it undermines our authority and it ruins the limited amount of time with SS.
What we give our children are based on their needs. Not the expectations of the other parent. Things are fair but not always equal.
Expect that we want the same things for both children. (behaviors, happiness, etc)
There are to be consequences for actions.
We left it as an open dialog. There will be more added as the situation changes, but FINALLY we have a common ground to work with. I suggest that everyone do what we did. I wrote down my expectations for him as a dad, step-dad and a SO. He did the same. Then we discussed them and were able to add, take away and change then into manageable, obtainable goals. We are on the same page and now we can move together as a family! It is going to be hard work but we can do it!!! Together!!
What is it?? Need more info?
What is it?? Need more info?
it depends what are we
it depends what are we talking about? we need a bit more info. If it is a trip to a play off football game, No that is a right of passage between a father and son. If it is a trip to the ice cream shop down the road yes if they are leaving her behind to just do that.
but on the flip side do you include your SS?
He says anything... he says
He says anything... he says if he does something for his son I make him look over his shoulder about doing it for my daughter.
Well no, not always in every
Well no, not always in every single instance. Just like if he bought SD a bra-- I'm sure BS wouldn't need to get the same thing.
However, if we're talking about major things, I do think there should be some tit for tat. Unless, of course, SD is completely undeserving. For example, if we're talking about DH helping them with college--if they both do relatively well and attend classes, then I'd say he should help one the same as the other. If, however, DS is making the effort but SD is slacking off and skipping classes, then obviously she does not deserve the same support.
It's difficult to answer this question broadly. It depends on the situation and the children's behaviors.
Oh I didn't mean the
Oh I didn't mean the stepparent should contribute. I meant the biological parent--DH in this case. Maybe I'm confused; I thought DS and SD were both his children.
EDIT: OOOH, I read this totally wrong. I see now. Oops.
From what I understand your
From what I understand your daughter is 4 and he has been in her life for 9 months. It might be too early for this discussion. As she gets older her bio dad might have more means to support her than you and your BF. I do not get my SD everything that I get my BD bc they for one are not the same age and second my SD has more financial support than my BD does. At four this doesnt seem like a big deal to get them each the same, but for now he is the BF not a longtime stepdad either. I give them each different things. It all depends on what the child needs. Sometimes my Sd just wants my time and in the same night my BD wants to be left alone. Sd is 15 and BD is 11. My SD has too many material things whereas my daughter knows some of this stuff is too expensive for us to get her let alone not things we would personally like for her to have. It is just too early for him to make the commitment to do everything for your daughter as he does for his son. I would have to side with him on this one. She is 4 you don't know what the future holds. Are you willing to commit to a thrid of his son's college expense at this moment?
He does believe that SD's
He does believe that SD's behavior is out of control. His SD is 4 and his DS is 2. So we are not talking about big things like college. I think that I do for both equally but he doesnt think so. He says that I have a higher standard for him and his son than I do for me and my daughter. I am open to the fact that this maybe true. I think he is talking about everything he does for his son. If he buys one candy he has to buy the other, if he hugs his son he has to hug his SD, if we take his son bowling on a weekend where its just him we have to take the other bowling when he gets back, etc.
Fair, nothing is fair. My SO
Fair, nothing is fair. My SO when I met him always did for SD what he did for SS. And if SS did something SD wanted to do it to.
I told him it is rediculous and it is. SS14 should be abe to do things only a boy does, and a 14 yr old does. Like wise SD11 should be able to do things a girl does and an 11 yr old does. She is a girl, yes I said it a girl. I raised girl and there are differences.
Maybe what you should ask is that equal time/energy/financial is done for each, not equal activites etc. Buying my fss14 candy would mean nothing to him, he doesn't really like candy. But fsd11 has a hugh sweet tooth. Children are each unique and different, and no it shouldn't be the same. FS14 does not go to bed when sd11 does. FS14's activities cost more than Fsd11's do.
Do you see the point? You just don't want your child to be left out. I understand that but things do not need to be equal in every area for a child to be getting what they need.
I cannot love my fskids like I love my Bio in only 3 yrs so guess what it can never be equal or fair.
He says he shouldnt have to
He says he shouldnt have to do everything for my DD that he does for his DS.
So I am thinking of telling
So I am thinking of telling DH that our expectations for what we give our kids should be based on what they need. Not what the bio-parents expect the step parent to give them. What is fair is remembering that each child is different. What is equal is making sure each childs needs are met. Does that sound right?
Sounds good to me But who
Sounds good to me
But who decides what the child needs? That can be a tuff one too. Just let it be known you will not stand for him treating the kids differently when they are together and go from there. If he wants to spend a little more one on one time and a little bit more money on his DS then do the same for your DD. Just as long as when all of you are together the kids feel loved equally or at least treated the same. I will tell you there are times when one kid is your favorite. I think it has to do with their age and your own age. There were times when I would have much rather have been around my SD than my own daughter. Right now my Sd is 15 and I enjoy my BD (11) more. But when my SD was the same age I rather be with her than my BD who was 6 at the time. It comes and goes.
I wish more people would
I wish more people would remember that. The whole "fairness" thing gets me all fired up.
I dont agree with that. Are
I dont agree with that. Are you telling me you would think it is right for your son to get an upperhand but not your daughter. THEY ARE KIDS! We aren't talking about when they go to work. We are talking about a 2 yr old and a 4 yr old! What the heck? It is a family environment not a freaking work place! Kids should always be given the chance to be treated equally while they are young from their family. Letting Johnny have an ice cream cone because his sister is having one is the same as saying your promoted bc your sister is. COME ON REALLY! They have plenty of time to realize life is not fair! I think testingdestiny was just asking if they are both there at the same time should the kids be made aware one is favored over the other. OF COURSE NOT! We all know kids will need different things at different ages, but who would want to feel like they are any less loved than their equal conterpart! I know I wouldn't.
No, I don't think he has to
No, I don't think he has to do everything the same for both kids. He should strive for equality where possible, but I don't think there's been enough time for you to be upset with him if he does something for his son and not your daughter.
I definitely don't think he needs to hug both children. I still don't hug BF's kids, and I've been in their lives for two years. You cannot force affection.
If you feel that he's not even trying with your daughter, and becomes defensive at the topic, then maybe you should consider whether or not this is a relationship you wish to pursue.
This is a tough one......it
This is a tough one......it depends on a lot of diff things. My BD has been raised that DH is her Biodad. Her Bio has only seen her one time when she was 2 weeks old......and that was 13 years ago. So, I believe he should treat both the same......I on the other hand don't give my SD15 every single thing I give or do for BD. I guess it should be play by play / pick your battles.
I guess it is one of those
I guess it is one of those things where you just have to observe as time goes on. It's hard to come right out and say I will do for your child as much as I will do for mine. I don't think that if you take his son bowling one weekend alone that you have to take your daughter bowling the next weekend. It just whatever works out. Now if they are both present at the same time they need to be treated the same in that moment. Heck I do that to my BD's and SD's friends when they are with us. You don't take all the kids in the candy store and just get one a piece of candy. That is just plain mean. On the other hand if I take my BD to the movies one weekend I don't make it a point to take my Sd to the movies the next time we have her. Your kids each assuming the bio dad is in the picture have other housholds that do for them. It is just imossible to make everything equal. One thing that has always gotten under my skin is when BIO mom drops off SD and she brings in fast food. If she was going to do that she should have asked if my BD wanted something. When my Sd wants me to make her my lemon bars and she wants to take them home I make sure there is enough for all of the bio moms kids not just my SD. That was instilled in me from my mother since I was very young. she always said don't invite a friend to go out and expect them to pay for themselves. Never give one thing to a child and not the others if they are around. Basically use the golden rule and think of yourself as a child and how you would feel if it was you! I love my mother we never had money but she always made sure that when my friends were over she did for them what she did for us.
He does for his and I do for
He does for his and I do for mine. Anything beyond that is a bonus. As for college, he will pay for his and I will pay for mine.
Christmas - I buy what I want for his son and spend more on my son. He spends pretty evenly on Hannukah for them.
I do not think you can ever be even. It is impossible. If your child is not his biologically, you can not expect him to do the same as he would for his own bio.
These responses are amazing!
These responses are amazing! Very helpful and I can not thank you guys enough! I think what I am going to do is write down my expectations for myself as a step-mom, a mom and for him as a step-dad. then discuss it with him. see if my expectations are realalistic to him and then invite him to do the same. I am not writing down my expectation for him as a father. that is not my place until we have chidren of our own. I will begin to keep a journal too. Just so I can see what the track record is saying. I cant keep fighting with him over the same issues. I have to find a solution. I dont fight to be right I fight for a solution.
I think its all so
I think its all so situationally specific. They are different ages, different genders, and are in your home different amounts of time. I would imagine that he sees his son less than your guys have your daughter. So if he does exactly the same for both on the weekends he with you guys, does that mean he shouldn't do anything for or with your daughter when he's not here, so that its still equal? He's trying to fit all his fatherly duties into whatever time he has his child, where as your daughter is there all the time (making this assumption) . If ss needs new clothes cause he grew, that doesn't mean that your daughter needs a new wardrobe as well. But at the same time, he shouldn't run into the gas station and buy candy, chips and soda for his kid, and leave your kid in the back seat with nothing.
My Dh got bent out of shape about this when I had our bio son. Saw me buying clothes for the baby constantly, and not buying for ss (then 7) and SD (then 6) (we have full custody of his kids). When our bio son turn 9 months he finally spoke up (well flipped out really) about buying more clothes for bio son. But what he wasn't taking I to account was that bio son NEEDED clothes, because he was a new size every three months, and ss and sd didn't need anything as they had more than enough clothes that still fit them. Once I laid it all out for him, he understood... And felt really stupid about it. Being fair doesn't mean exactly the same at every moment.
On the flip side, at Xmas I bought each child the same number of gifts. I ended up spending way way more on the stepkids, as they are 8 and 9 and their stuff is way more expensive. Yeah, it irked the crap out of me to spend more money on kids that aren't mind and don't appreciate anything I do, but it was the fair thing to do. I could have said, well I am going to spend equal amounts of money and my bio son will just have twice as much stuff, but its equal monetarily......but that wouldn't have been the fair thing to do.
It's just a balancing act. And its not a bad lesson for you bd to learn that life isn't always equal and fair....sometimes you just have to suck it up and deal.
I think that the aha moment
I think that the aha moment of all of this is that my expectations do not match his. I need to figure out what is important and what I expect from us both and then ddiscuss with DH. That way, we can refine our expectations and be on the same page. Its not my place to have expectations on how he should be a dad. I am not his son's mom and I really have no say in how he is raised. I can focus on my daughter and that is where the real responsibiity lies. Its not about tearing him apart about his parenting skills. It is what he is doing to me and I dont like it. This situation needs a hero that is going to say enough is enough. I am going to say it... I am not afraid to admit that my expectations may be wrong.
I have a SD12 and BD3 and
I have a SD12 and BD3 and BS1. I always used to go shopping and if I bought something for BD, I felt I had to spend the same amount of money for SD (before BS was born). It was very difficult. I was always asking myself "is this fair?" I got fed up with being a "people pleaser" and talked to one of SD's counselors about it. He said life is not fair. He said I can buy for BD sometimes and buy for SD other times. He said I don't need to keep a running total but instead buy as I choose. If BD is extra good and SD is extra bad...don't worry about keeping it even close to even. He said one Christmas I could spend $200 on one and $500 on the other...perhaps just because one needs/wants more expensive things. Then the next Christmas he said we could switch and spend more on the other. He said to do whatever I felt like but to stop always worrying about being fair.
I agree with the counselor to a point. I think one should try to be "fair" but that might mean sometimes one gets left out or doesn't get as much...but then next time they get more. I don't think you need to take the extreme I used to...if BD needs a new shirt and SD doesn't, only buy BD one and don't worry about being "fair" for things like that.
I don't think it should ever be obvious to the kids that one always gets left out and the other doesn't...but the score doesn't have to be even at all times.
As far as the college thing goes, children living with bios have two parents for help...children in blended families have two sets of parents...four helping them out. Therefore, I think the bios with only one set of parents should get more help than the steps with two sets of parents.
It worked! Amazingly enough
It worked! Amazingly enough my plan to outline expectations worked and my DH is finally talking to me again and being the sweet man I fell in love with! Turns out that there were many expectations we had for each other that were not the same or that the other one was not aware of. I was able to lower my standards for him to a more fair and reasonable manner. And I was able to understand where he was coming from. The biggest moment, he was hurt that I dont trust that he will make the best decisions that are in the best interest of my DD. He was hurt more than anything else and I had to let go of the idea that he was just out to hurt my DD. He made it clear that he didnt hate my daughter and that he forgives her as she is a child. All things that were wrong but I was holding against him. He feels as if his time with his DS is special as he does not have him nearly the same amount of time that we have my DD.
I never would have been able to live up to his expectations because I didnt know what they were.
Here are few of the expectations we laid out for each other:
Always be kind.
Be approachable and open to the SO's opinion and feelings.
Trust that the other SO has the best intentions for the SD or SS.
Always be there for the SD or SS when needed.
Forgive the SD and SS. They are children.
Bring up issues before they are too much to handle.
Always be aware of our own children's actions so that they are not hurting the step-parent when the bio is not looking.
Trust that when one parent says something is going on, it is actually happening. No need to question each other.
Talk about these issues after the kids are in bed or with their other bio parents. Not in front of them for 2 reasons: it undermines our authority and it ruins the limited amount of time with SS.
What we give our children are based on their needs. Not the expectations of the other parent. Things are fair but not always equal.
Expect that we want the same things for both children. (behaviors, happiness, etc)
There are to be consequences for actions.
We left it as an open dialog. There will be more added as the situation changes, but FINALLY we have a common ground to work with. I suggest that everyone do what we did. I wrote down my expectations for him as a dad, step-dad and a SO. He did the same. Then we discussed them and were able to add, take away and change then into manageable, obtainable goals. We are on the same page and now we can move together as a family! It is going to be hard work but we can do it!!! Together!!
GREAT! I am so happy for
Thank you Patsy! So far so
Thank you Patsy! So far so good.
It really gave us the ability to let go of resentments and start over.