Well, I originally wrote a post asking if he was valid. After writing it all out, it seemed to me like she was causing the problems. None of the things that he is complaining about are things that I want my child to do. I worry that she is too young to grasp the things that are causing the difficulties, and I worry that I am not giving her enough credit and selling her short, making excuses for her. I have had this fight many times with BF and always promise to fix things. Then, it comes up again in 2 weeks because I have fallen into the same pattern. I am a firm believer that if you always do the same thing, you will always get the same result. I dont know if it is my natural parenting style or if I am just lazy. Bf will suck it up until he feels that he cant take it anymore and then it explodes to a point that he doesnt even know if he wants to be with me. I cant seem to stop the cycle. When it gets to this point there is no making him feel better or calming his anger. We have the same issues with my SS sometimes, but I am focusing on my DD because it is the current issue. I am torn between being on my daughter's butt all the time (which is what it feels like BF wants from me), and letting her just be a kid, a 4-year old. I dont know where the boundry lies and dont know how to get BF to stop looking for the negative. How to help him let go of resentments so that we can move on and so that every little thing doesnt push him further over the edge. He tells me that I am going to have to deal with his frustration and resentments until I have proven that things have changed. I dont blame him... it is really aggrevating.

We came up with a solution of writing her rules down and enforcing it with a behavior chart and consequeces. The problem is, BF is so mad that he is still acting out towards me and fighting with me even though we have come up with a plan. How do I help him feel better? Do I just let him be angry and mad and take it out on me until he gets it out of his system? He says he doesnt know if he wants to be with me even though we have a game plan. He has been pushed far, I can admit that. Now how do I make it better.

Natural or not, I dont want my daughter to develop coping skills like that. I cant take the risk that she wont grow out of it. She needs to learn better ways of handling herself. Some of the things have nothing to do with him and its just plain self-centeredness. The things that are pushing DH to the edge are things that she will need to learn in life. Not inturrupting or taking attention from others.

I appreciate all the help! I know what I need to do even if DH decides to leave. That is how I know that DD needs this. Its not because of DH, its what is necessary for her to be a good person. I need to find a way to help DH heal. I hear that my actions are what will do it, that is what he says too. Just hope that I get the chance to do so. I also hope that I can find what it is inside myself that lets my DD get away with it. I dont always see the things that DH sees her do. Makes sense when he points them out, but by that time he is pushed too far.

He has a little more against him than most. It gets worse when it is his weekend with his son. He says that my DD goes nuts when SS is here and it ruins his time with his kiddo. I feel like he is so tense when his son is here that its almost doomed to be that way forever. His kiddo goes back to his mom's today after a weekend that DD drove DH nuts. Now I am doing the new discipline and such and it is just going to anger him that my DD is behaving since his DS is gone. I feel like I am trapted in a no win situation. I have to get on DD's butt but DH will resent that it all changes once his son leaves. His son leaving is not why it is changing.... It is just bad timing. DD does behave better when DSS is not around. I dont know why. Its so complicated and frustrating. My DH and I have an amazing relationship when its just us. I have to find a way to heal all of this.

I dont think its men. I think it is human. i think it is a lack of accepting responsibility and I think that it is the messed up way of thinking. I catch myself worrying more about my DD's happiness than what is best for her. I think all parents have that issue.

He refused to hug her goodnight last night. Does unconditional love develop with step-parents? He said he was too angry and I make him feel like he has to cater to her. Is that just mean or is it understandable? He would never refuse to hug his own kid. He is holding onto so much resentment. I dont know at what point I say it is not worth it and give up.

It has been 9 months

he is 32. i think he resents me cause i have full custody of my daughter and he has every other weekend. he says that he shouldnt have to do everything with my daughter that he does with his son because his time with his son is special since we dont have him as often. It is twice as hard. Im getting to the point where I dont think it is going to work no matter how much I love him. Doesnt help that I just miscarraged his child Jan 2nd. He is still raging mad 2 days later. Screaming at me and saying that I have forced him to put up with so much. I dont know what to do.

not that i know of

It worked! Amazingly enough my plan to outline expectations worked and my DH is finally talking to me again and being the sweet man I fell in love with! Turns out that there were many expectations we had for each other that were not the same or that the other one was not aware of. I was able to lower my standards for him to a more fair and reasonable manner. And I was able to understand where he was coming from. The biggest moment, he was hurt that I dont trust that he will make the best decisions that are in the best interest of my DD. He was hurt more than anything else and I had to let go of the idea that he was just out to hurt my DD. He made it clear that he didnt hate my daughter and that he forgives her as she is a child. All things that were wrong but I was holding against him. He feels as if his time with his DS is special as he does not have him nearly the same amount of time that we have my DD.

I never would have been able to live up to his expectations because I didnt know what they were.

Here are few of the expectations we laid out for each other:
Always be kind.
Be approachable and open to the SO's opinion and feelings.
Trust that the other SO has the best intentions for the SD or SS.
Always be there for the SD or SS when needed.
Forgive the SD and SS. They are children.
Bring up issues before they are too much to handle.
Always be aware of our own children's actions so that they are not hurting the step-parent when the bio is not looking.
Trust that when one parent says something is going on, it is actually happening. No need to question each other.
Talk about these issues after the kids are in bed or with their other bio parents. Not in front of them for 2 reasons: it undermines our authority and it ruins the limited amount of time with SS.
What we give our children are based on their needs. Not the expectations of the other parent. Things are fair but not always equal.
Expect that we want the same things for both children. (behaviors, happiness, etc)
There are to be consequences for actions.

We left it as an open dialog. There will be more added as the situation changes, but FINALLY we have a common ground to work with. I suggest that everyone do what we did. I wrote down my expectations for him as a dad, step-dad and a SO. He did the same. Then we discussed them and were able to add, take away and change then into manageable, obtainable goals. We are on the same page and now we can move together as a family! It is going to be hard work but we can do it!!! Together!!

She is more mature than the typical 4 year old. She is brighter in most areas and is in advanced placement kindergarten. Plus, I didnt list all the issues and the stuff that she is doing is hurtig people. I cant let that go on no matter what age. She is going crazy to the point that his 2 year old son ends up hurting everytime they play. She has 5 rules that we are working on. She earns a smiley face at the end of each day if she follows the rules.

1. Do as you are told when you are told to do it. The first time.
2. Put others before yourself.
3. Worry about yourself and what you are supposed to be doing. (She bosses the younger kids around)
4. No lies
5. Keep yourself calm and under control (When she goes cray she knocks people over and "accidently hurts them)

None of these are things i want for my kiddo. No matter how the SO feels.

If he didnt like my kid, he wouldnt care about her grades and how she is doing in school. He wouldnt hug her when her BD lets her down and breaks her heart. He wouldnt bother tucking her in at night or taking her shopping for Christmas. I lived with the idea that he just didnt like her and that is not fair. How am I suppossed to have a family if I am thinking that he is just out to get her? Did you read my expectations post? It hurt him that I thought he would do anything other than what is best for her. I want my kids to think of others before themselves no matter what age they are. My 2 year old SS is able to think of his sister by sharing. My standards for my kids are my standards. Not the worlds standards. I plan on spending the rest of my life with this man, they are our standards!!

Thank you! She gets smiley faces to earn the privaledge to watch a movie on Friday night. She is earning something for her hard work. She also gets sad faces if she breaks a rule and it is teaching her that things need to be earned. It is important to me that she knows things in life are not handed to you and that hard work pays off.

I realized that it doesnt matter who brings these issues to light, they are issues and behaviors that I dont want my DD to have. I am on both sides of the step issue as well. I have a 2 year old SS, but I am not worrying about any of the SS issues at the moment because it is my job to make sure my child grows up to be well adjusted and a good person. It will be much easier to address any SS issues with DH if I have my own issues under control. Plus, I am not trying to be a hypocrite and attack him when I dont have it all figured out myself. Who knows how much better the SS will be when the older DD decides to make the right choices? Why am I a rat? Because I decided to take responsibility for my part in all this? Because I believe in the general goodness of my DH? I dont understand how wanting the best for my DD means I am a rat.... What is best is not always about making her happy. Sometimes its about making sure she is a good person. I will not tolerate her telling us, not just him, lies. I will not tolerate her knocking her step-bro down and not caring that she hurt him. I will not tolerate her taking a toy from a 1 year old baby because the baby's mom told the baby to give it to her (she is not that baby's mom). I will not tolerate my DD running around Walmart running into people and having her 2 year old Step-bro follow her. She needs to learn it is not polite in inerrupt when people are talking. That is manners and rude. Please explain to me which of these behaviors I am supposed to let my DD grow up without learning? She is not going to grow up being ignorant and rude to people. I am not setting her up to fail in life.

Understood that it is normal. What is not normal is me making excuses and getting defensive instead of trying to teach her the right way. He is not angry with her. He was mad at me. The frustration is that he believes she can learn these things and I was too worried about her being happy. He was angry with her when she hurt her brother and just kept playing. Then did it again a few hours later. There are some behaviors that are unacceptable.

I am not mad. I welcome all points of view. And I am not creating a perfect step kid for him... I am creating a decent person for my daughter. So she can succeed in life. If he doesnt do the same for his son than what harm did it do my daughter? she will still have the fundamentals of a good person. I dont expect her to be perfect, but I do expect discipline and awareness from myself. I expect she will not be perfect, but I also will not give up and just let her continue with behaviors that will hurt her in life. I believe in her. I know she can do this!!!

I cant live my life with "what ifs." What if he raises his son with the same standards and I lived with the assumption that he wasnt going to? I will take it a day at a time and see what happens. Who knows if we are even going to live that long or what other dynamics are going to change. Plus each kid is different so we will handle it when it is his turn. Right now, I have to do what is best for my DD. She needs to be raised right reguardless of what might happen with her step-bro.