Learning to Disengage...Guilt, Guilt and more Guilt
So I am learning to disengage now that I realize alot of what is causing me to be frustrated and grumpy - because I am expected to do 95% of chores around the house while DH and SS16 sit and rest all evening and I have no say about what is required of SS. I have felt better this week because I cook and do dishes and just other things for me and DH but why do I feel so guilty??? I feel like DH thinks I am making a bigger deal of this than it should be. SO AM I? I know he thinks I am to hard on SS and should not require him to do chores since he has NEVER done them but I disagree. I feel like I work and shouldn't be required to do all chores but part of me says just do it so you don't have a disagreement with DH. DH is upset with me for not doing more for SS. SS does pick up after himself... and he doesn't smoke, etc when we are home. (SS doesn't hang out with any friends??) Why does DH always think that I don't like his son if I ask him to discipline him or want him to do a chore? I don't get it! It's the weirdest thing DH in one way treats SS like a child, no chores, responsibilities etc but in another way he treats him more like an adult than me. It's like he has made him the other partner. It frustrates me! I try to leave most things alone with SS but if I know something is up it is hard for me to act like nothing is going on. Like grades, smoking cigs, pot and porn. I am not saying alot of kids don't try those things but I just feel as the parent you should have clear boundaries in your home and do not act like you are deaf and blind! But if I bring it up, "DH do you smell that? Does it smell weird in here to you?" That is my nice way of trying to say go check on your son and find out what is going on. Instead, he doesn't and I find the stuff and than DH is mad at me because I am picking on his son. DH will tell me to stay out of his room. Your trying to find fault with him is what he says but should I just let stuff go? Everything when disengaging? I use to say DH was a GREAT father but how can you be a great father and just turn your head when your son is failing, smoking, etc. On top of all this BM is friends with DH's family and I am dreading Christmas dinner because I know they probably think the same thing about me since BM and SS doesn't really like me. UGGG!! Sorry for the long post.
I could never understand
I could never understand maintaining relationships with family members of your ex. WTF? It's like "hello, you're divorced, get a life!"
You have a guilty daddy and
You have a guilty daddy and an SS with adult spousal status. Anything you say will be used against you because its your fault for pointing things out about precious SS16. Now you look like a snitch. Even when you question. Your efforts get you no where. You might as well completely disengage. Clean up your messes. Don't clean up after DH either.
As far as the pot, as a property owner and an adult in the home, you could be responsible. I see no reason why YOU shouldn't take the bull by the horns on this one and tell SS, I smell what you are smoking and I'm not stupid. I don't care what you do elsewhere, but its not going to happen here. I wouldn't be above calling the police too if it continues. Its not worth the possibility of you getting in to trouble. A couple of years ago, we found out BM and her husband was in "denial" about BM's oldest stepson smoking pot in their house. he was smoking it with BM's dad. SO's kids told us all about it and that their mom said, oh no its cigarettes. Had SO been smart, he would have called authorities to have BMs house checked since his children reside there.I was disengaged and I wasn't about to get involved in something that would make the skids end up living with us. Maybe SS's BM should anonymously know what is going on?
Stop with the guilt, read stepmonster. You have nothing to feel guilty about. What you DO want to do, is start getting it in to your DH head that SS will need to go out on his own at 18. Not be living with you two.
I would skip Christmas dinner
I would skip Christmas dinner if BM is going to be there. I'm sure not everyone will agree...but I don't think she should be there, since you are his wife now, not her.
Also, I think, in general, as women we tend to feel guilty about A LOT of things that we should not feel guilty for. You have no need to feel guilty for not washing your SKids dishes, etc. Especially since he is old enough to do it himself. If he doesn't do it, your DH should do it (DH should really MAKE Skid do it!). Also, a lot of these dads seem to think we hate their kids unless we do nothing but shower them with loving compliments and take care of their every wish. It is BS. My SO is the same way-I can't bring up his kids at all, or he immediately gets defensive (no matter what I say about them). It is ridiculous and I wish I had some advice about that. But, you aren't doing anything wrong from the sounds of it.
Your DH needs to step up and be a parent, not a friend. And he needs to treat you like a partner, not a child!!
I wouldn't step foot
I wouldn't step foot somewhere that BM is going to be for a holiday dinner. I don't disagree at all.
New Second Wife: Stop
New Second Wife: Stop feeling guilty and beating yourself up; read the above advice by alwaysanxious thoroughly and apply!!! STAT!
I would cook/clean/etc for
I would cook/clean/etc for MYSELF and DH. If you want SS to do chores you're going to have to talk to DH to put them in place. If he doesn't well, thats unfortunate and definitely sad for you because dh doesn't seem to value how important it is to you. You might have to portray as follwos : you're not doing it because you "hate ss" but you believe ss learning rules, discipline, chores, etc will help him become a productive and healthy adult. If you spin it in a positive manner for the pure benefit of his darling & perfect (LMAOOO!!!!) child, then he might listen.
Today my SO actually paid his
Today my SO actually paid his younger son to do his older son's chores - just so they got done b/c I was asking it to get done, and "lets just endure this kid until he's outta the door in 6 months" attitude. UHG. What ever happened to kids helping out around the house like when we were all kids, and what the H#&& is this 6'3" 18 year old 2 year old monster going to do when he has to move out and has no job or car??? So I'm saying to myself, like hell he's gonna stay here past June.
Ok, my little itsy bitsy rant!!
So don't feel guilty if you are disengaging. If your dh wants this kid to learn some life lessons, let him teach the kid. That's my sentiment anyways, otherwise LIFE will teach the lessons.
New Second Wife, if you do
New Second Wife, if you do nothing else to save your sanity, read the book 'Stepmonster'.
Within the first few pages it said that repartnered/remarried fathers are notoriously permissive with their kids. There are fewer boundaries around bedtimes, chores helping around the house etc.
We, as SM's put up with it initially because we are finding our feet, after 4 and a half years of SD now nearly 16, I still haven't found mine.
The book says: "By identyfying the problem, we become the problem" fathers don't know how to deal with it. This equals for him to bury his head in the the sand.
Seriously, read Stepmonster. It doesn't tell you how to fix things. It normalises your feeligs, let's you in on different dynamics and best of all, reassures you that you are NOT GOING COMPLETLY MAD !!!