Need Advice... Am I being unreasonable?
I am SM to a 16 yo. I work a fulltime job and am expected to come home and cook, clean, do laundry, bills, etc. for the household. Dh will occassionally help out with some chores. I have asked DH to have SC to start helping by doing personal laundry, vacuum etc. just some small chores. DH says we can not just spring this on the child and is afraid child will move out (BM). DH thinks I am being unreasonable since child has NEVER been expected to do chores up until now in either home except child's room. I am tired of coming home and SC does nothing except video games, computer and TV all night long while I am responsible for all household duties. SC is not a slob but seems to be lazy and unmotivated and hates to be told what to do (like most teens). I do not want SC to move out (not now), despite what DH thinks, but I think it is the right thing to do to start giving him some responsibilities. Should I just put this on the back burner for awhile? Me and DH totally disagree with parenting styles. I would like some sincere answers, please.
I don't think you have a SC
I don't think you have a SC problem, you have a DH problem. You do everything plus a full time job and DH only occasionally helps out?? And you're worried about getting SC to do a few chores? You are not seeing the forest for the trees.
The kid and your husband
The kid and your husband should both be helping out.
Heck no full time work then
Heck no full time work then you and DH should be splitting the responsibilities 50/50. It's his kid NOT yours. Stop cleaning up after them and only cleaning up after yourself and they will get the hint. Years ago when men worked and women stayed home, the men usually payed ALL the bills and took care of wife and kids and so then of course its reasonable for wife to do all the house stuff. But you are working full time you pay your own way shouldnt have to do all chores on top of that it's not fair! If both working full time 50/50 is way to go, or at least make him clean up after his own darn kid
At the very least, he should
At the very least, he should be doing his own laundry and cleaning up his own dishes. I do think he should have some household chores, as well, but can't even get that to happen in my own house with SS14. Same deal... guilty Daddy afraid of chasing him off.
We have only been married
We have only been married about 3 yrs. At first DH would help out more because that is a subject we agreed upon especially since I work ft. As time has went on DH's help as diminished some weeks more than others so I guess that is partially why I am feeling the need to have more help and also I feel ALL children should have age appropriate responsibilities. Up until I came into the picture SC was not required to do anything by either parent which to me is a neglect of parental duties. Why does everything always come back to "well you know he'll move out"?
I think all kids should have
I think all kids should have responsiblites around the house. It's the parents job to teach them to take care of themselves and that starts at home!! It's not going to kill these entitled kids these days to get up off their lazy asses and help around the house!! I would just like to know how this generation of kids will ever make it in the real world once these guilty daddys are no longer there to wait on them hand and foot and protect them from this evil world that exspects them to take care of themselves!!! And why do we worry about them moving out so much?? they ain't going anywhere, why would they? They got it made at BM's house and at DH house, everyone feels so freaking guilty for the divorce and ruining the kids life no one is going to make them do anything....heaven forbid!!
Sorry my own little venting hear....breathe, sigh..
One way to get his attention
One way to get his attention may be to point out that in time his child will move out and probably off to college where he/she will be expected to look after him/herself. Wouldn't it be great to instill some housekeeping skills NOW? How unfair to just let the child loose in the world without being prepared. Even when you drive a car you have to learn how. Same with laundry and dishes and vaccuming.
And tell DH you need more help form him. If he doesn't want his child to be doing chores like a normal teen then he will have to do more than his share.
My kids 14, 12, and almost 10
My kids 14, 12, and almost 10 all do chores. I'd say they were 3 or 4 when they started helping out in the house. I can remember my 4 year old sitting with me in front of a big pile of laundry and helping me fold it-he was not even in kindergarten yet.
They dont like to do chores (who does?) but they do them. They are very talented and can do dishes, laundry, vaccum, scrub toilets-etc-they can do it all. We dont have specific chores for them they are just to do what they are told. Typically they are asked to do at least one thing daily. We dont give an allowance either. Now, if they ever go above and beyond the call of duty and do a really big job I'd offer to pay them for it.
Perhaps you can ask your dh when he had planned on teaching his kid how to do his laundry, cook, clean, and run a household. If he's only got two more years before he moves out-your dh better get his butt in gear and teach him these important life skills. He is making this kid into a dependent idiot. My youngest knows how to do her own laundry for goodness sake-I dont typically make her-but if need be she cuold do it.
If your dh wants the kid to
If your dh wants the kid to be part of the family, instead of a guest in your home, he should have some regular chores and responsibilities. Maybe you could have a family meeting and say it begins after the new year?
How does someone end up doing
How does someone end up doing more work than the other two in the family? No, that kid is NOT your responsibility...if you were not there, your DH would have to cook/clean/do laundry and I can assure you that he would make his kid do it to...Stand up and stop doing it all, especially things that ONLY affect them, ie. cook for them, do their laundry, etc...
Agreed with all the other
Agreed with all the other posters. I found this one site where it says typically a child can handle a chore for each year. So my SS who's 5, has a list of 5 dad approved chores. My husband walked in once to SS wiping the table and said he didn't like it, couldn't explain why but didn't like it, so I set on making a list to be approved and posted: Make bed, brush teeth, clean up toys, set table and pick up dirty clothes.
At 16 I hope you can get him to take care of his own stuff. Trash is not hard to do, neither are dishes especially if you have a dishwasher. And you can add some other weekly ones like dusting, windows, vaccuming, etc. He should definitely be starting to do his own laundry. I mean the mans way is to throw it all in the washer and then dryer anyway-so you don't even have to teach sorting.
Is there an allowance that can be leveraged for contributing to the house?