Wife is getting fed up
Well, I came across this site and I amazed at what everyone out there is going through. I can relate to a lot of what you all are going through. I am currently married and we have been married for less than a year. We both are struggling with each other children. There is so much to this that it would take forever to type everything out. But my wife just said something to me the other night about were we being selfish when we married when we can't stand the others children???? My thought is no, we married each other because we love each other and we accepted the children as is and do the best we can to raise them together. Our problem is we see so much of the others ex in the kids that it makes it REALLY difficult to get along with them as a lot of those qualities are not the positive ones. I have made lots of suggestions to my wife and she doesn't know what to do or what she wants. But she is not happy and you can just see it in her when my kids are there. We have tried lots of things but it all boils down to she is not happy and doesn't know what to do. I really try hard to not let things bother me and some days are better than others. But my wife, can't seem to put things behind her. Like I said, there is so much to the story and so much that I can say, but I just need to know what works for you out there. I want to keep a unified front with the kids, treat each the same when it comes to discipline, etc and she says the same. I know the kids are difficult, especially when all 3 are together, but I only have mine 50% of the time and we have my SD about 80% of time. I don't want my time with my kids to be walking on egg shells and her unhappy. We see the kids in very different light at times and that doesn't help. I just don't know what to do. It is getting to the point where we either need to get outside help or just go seperate ways. She doesn't want to get outside help and I don't want to part ways, but on the other hand I can't do the eggshell thing again in this marriage and I want to enjoy my time with them. I am just so frustrated I don't know what to do. Anyone got some help?
I can relate to your
I can relate to your feelings, and I am not sure (as I am going thru similar things myself)what to suggest to you, but to at least tell you that you are not alone. It is good to see that you want to save your marriage instead of leaving it. I hope you get some help here or somewhere else.
Take care.
Thanks, me too. I spend most
Thanks, me too. I spend most of my time with my SD and am doing the best I can and what I think is the right thing to do. I struggle a lot to as she is stubborn, whiney, and wants everything done for her and I just don't do that. So my time with her can be quite frustrating at times. But like I said, I have learn to deal with it and its amazing cause the moment her mom walks through the door, she turns into a complete different person than what she is with me. She knows I don't do the begging and whining but she knows that is if she bothers her mom enough she will give in. It is frustrating for me as well, but I have learned to just deal with it. I wish my wife could do the same. I am not saying I am perfect. I do let things get to me at times, but when my kids are there, you can just see the change take place over my wife. I don't know what to do. I know my life would be easier if I were on my own, but that is not what I want. I want to be with my wife cause I know the kids will eventually be gone and then what? I just want to do what is best for us and the kids.
You have a good attitude...I
You have a good attitude...I feel the same with my situation. Your wife is happy to have you, and hopefully one day she will see the sacrafice you made for her and love you even the more. That is what I am praying for for me.
I know. I have suggested
I know. I have suggested counseling numerous times. But the only counseling she thinks that needs to be done is with my kids. She does not want to do the family counseling. When I ask why, she just says cause she doesn't want to. I agree that we need it if this is to work. But you can't force someone that won't do it. I know I gave some sketchy details, but I just don't have the time to really type everything out and I am not sure if everyone would read through. So I tried to keep it breif.
I should give you my
I should give you my husband's phone # so you two can talk. I'd bet you'd be good for each other. My SD - 15 lives with us full time now. We were married 2 1/2 years ago and 3 months into our 1st year of marriage got full custody of her. VERY SHOCKED, so we didn't really have a chance to discuss parenting styles/disciplining tactics etc. etc If I were to do it over again, well....I'll be honest, I wouldn't of married him then, knowing what I know now. It's been a living hell for all 3 of us. None of us excpected SD's BM to go crazy when we got married, but she did. BM has been totally out of the picture, until about 2 months ago. I only thought the first 2 years were hell....it's been a crazy nightmare. We're a very normal, respectful couple and now we could give Jerry Springer a run for his money. His daughter's BM (who he was never married too) is a white trash piece of 'pooh'. Not being hateful, just truthful. UGH!!!
Sorry to go off on my own deal...I know what you're saying, there's too much to type. If I can tell you anything (from a woman's standpoint), please talk to your wife and let her know that you see and realize the issues she has with your kids and see their faults and NAME THEIR FAULTS to your wife. Let her know you really do see her complaints. I'm telling you....no matter what anyone says you do NOT ever love the other ones' kids like you love your own. These people that say I love my SD like she's my own. I'm sorry.....I have to throw the bullshit flag on that one. There's no way you can love a child that's dropped in your lap, the way you love a child you saw take their first breath, nursed them (granted, you couldn't do that...ha.) held them through the night the first time they were sick. NO WAY no matter how hard you try. And I think if you would just be straight up honest with your wife, and say....this is what I see that my kid(s) do to you, around you, their faults are X, Y and Z. And the toughest thing for me to swallow is when I bring up something SD is doing, my husband throws something in my face that my kids have done. It's a little different with our situation. We have full custody of his 15 yo daughter, and both of my kids are grown and out of the house. He's never had to live with mine. So I don't feel it's fair that he does that.
But still....don't bring up her kids....that will only fuel the fire. If you can, sit her down and say this is what I see mine doing....what can I do to that would make it better. I truly think if my husband would SAY TO ME what he sees wrong with his child, it would help me deal with it better. Because in my mind, his silence tells me he sees nothing wrong with her, and trust me.....there is a lot of nasty character issues that are not dealt with. It is a guilty daddy thing....and maybe you too, are suffering from that. Like your kid(s) have been through enough, you don't want to get on them, they might not want to ever see you again. ???
One thing you said, I loved hearing.....something about, you want her to be there when they're gone. Keep that in the forefront of your mind. She was obviously who you wanted to spend the rest of your life with. This too shall past. PLEASE hang in there. I'm telling myself that right now.
Good luck to you and your family.
I can honestly say ... I get
I can honestly say ... I get you.... I am in a similar situation... I see my boys two maybe weekends out of the month since I moved in with my husband. I see his son everyday. They shared custody but he has him everyday after school. We went through an evaluation. The results were not positive so things will stay the same. He's son is 10 years old and... well he gets treated like a five year old. He's an only child with the "Only Child" syndrome. So they each get his son every other week. so on his weeks.... gosh.... it's like living with a todler... is all about "how can you entertain me?" We are in counseling and it has helped... Our counselor is trying to teach dh that his wife should be his number 1 priority.. because you know what... you are right!!! the kids will be gone and it's just you and the wife.... talk to your wife... counseling helps... it really does... I really applaud you for wanting to work on your marriage.... think you can speak to my husband???? :O :O :O :O :O
In your wife's defense, it's
In your wife's defense, it's VERY hard to love another woman's child. Especially when the child's mother has been a pebble in your shoe for the last 16 or however many years. She needs to start drinking. No joke. I find it easier to tolerate my man's ex-wife's kids when I'm buzzed.
Hippie Girl....I like your
Hippie Girl....I like your style. CHEERS!!! (:
Troperh, I have said to my
Troperh, I have said to my wife MANY times that I know my kids are not perfect. I have told her that I know my daughter can be manipulative and lie. I know my son can be rude. I have stated numerous times my childrens faults. It has not helped that I have seen. We talk all the time that if it wasn't for the ex's and the kids, our life together would be a piece of cake. But we don't have that luxury. I have looked up articles to help (which I stumbled on this site in the process), I have asked her what she thinks would work, I have asked her straight up what would make her happy. I mean, I love my wife and I want this to work, but if I were to look at this in the grand scheme of things, my life would be SOOOOOOO easy without her and SD. Would I be lonely, of course. But I would get 50% of my week back to do whatever I want cause I am typically the one watching the kids. I could get back to doing things that I enjoy doing. But I love my wife and am willing to put up with this for her. I am a teacher too, so not only do I have to deal with kids all day, I deal with this too. I am going to try to talk to her more about the counselor tonight as it is suppose to be a date night for us....This is the only night we have no kids. A rare luxury. But she is angry with me about this situation and I am not even sure why. UGH. I am not sure at times WHY I am putting myself through this when I know how much easier things would be on my own. But I love her and I want things to work. I don't want to go through another divorce, especially when we haven't even been married for a year yet! I know there are no easy answers. I have told her to try to focus on the future, but she I am not sure she can see that far because the now is so frustrating and overwhelming.
As for the loving another womans child, oh I get that 100%! I never expected her to love mine like her own. My wife has massive jealousy issues with my ex thinking the ex is better looking than her. Which causes issues in itself, but makes it harder with the kids cause she wishes that we had kids together as opposed to me and the ex. But I just want everyone to be treated fairly and respectfully. I work on my kids all the time about being respectful because I know they are not. But, they are kids! The only thing I can do is continue to talk to them, discipline them, and be consistent. Thanks to all that has responded!
It seems like it should be so
It seems like it should be so simple, doesn't it? I can't believe how bad I'm struggling with this. I just 'knew' I had the answer for you. So much for that. Ha.
I think it's awesome that you're on line trying to find an answer. Me too. That's why I'm here. I guess it all goes back too.....we should all get our own kids raised, and THEN start dating. I did. Both of mine are graduated and gone. My DH's not so much. 2 1/2 years and counting. ): Damn.... Dr. Laura is right. (:
I'm not sure if we'll make it either. I came home 3 nights ago, and thought I can do this. I was READY to be the SM of the year. 2 days good, today, not so good. SD15 had a little melt down and DH took it out on me, not her....the one responsible for his mood and I suffer the consequences. Not with an arguement, but with a super short tone of the voice. BUT BUT BUT granted, maybe the last 2 years of my not have ANY patience had something to do with it. Maybe there really is too much water under the bridge????
We tried counseling, but it turned into a $100/hour bitch session. If you two can go and NOT go off on different situations that had just happened etc., but to try to learn to parent your kids together, that might work. We didn't get that far.
I'm scared that someday one of us is going to say, "Enough is enough." I pray to God that day doesn't come. But dang....this is the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. I love that man so much and when he 'ignores' SD15's 'issues'....it makes me lose respect for him and makes me mad at him. Do you think you have the guilty daddy syndrome everyone talks about on this site? Mine does, and has no clue that he does.
Okay, I'm going to turn things around on you.....what do you want your wife to do, or to change to make things better? Maybe we both can learn something if we start there. ????? (:
I agree that counselling
I agree that counselling might help. What I might also suggest is that you look for ways to make sure your wife knows she is #1 with you. Maybe her self esteem has taken a hit? Do you chastize your kids if they disrespect your wife? Saying things outright, like 'do not disrespect my wife'? It's a short fall for some people and just a few compliments can help them climb back up, cheer them up and make their day. I get days when I am so frustrated with SKids but then something makes me smile and I'm good after that.
I applaud you for wanting to make it work, it really is up to you to create boundaries with your ex and kids, do NOT let any of them walk all overy you because that is the surest firest way to upset your wife...think about that for a second...insecurities that possibly may not have been there were placed there by?? Do not allow ex or kids to manipulate! I know from experience, I am THE most happy go lucky person, yet the seeds of doubt grow faster than weeds, my friend, if there's enough bullshit to fertilize them! ELIMINATE the BS!!
I agree with the
I agree with the others....its awesome that you want to work things out and not leave your wife. YOu got married for a reason. You love her...
I know it's hard. I'm going through the same thing, but we aren't married yet. I wish I could help and give some awesome advice.
So far, I have read alot of great things on here and have gotten alot of support.
Keep your head up!
PS - I'm a teacher too.....I know how ya' feel in that aspect
"my wife just said something
"my wife just said something to me the other night about were we being selfish when we married when we can't stand the others children????"
Yes. Yes you were. You snagged her because you don't want to be alone when the kids are gone, and you wanted to snag her before someone else did. I'm a woman. I know women. And I think your wife knows it will take a miracle to change how she feels. And miracles don't often come in counseling sessions. I think she knows she is done and she is trying to suffer through it for your sake. She is waiting for something to change her heart.
In your head there are only two options. Suffer, or divorce. Why not consider a third option: staying married and living separately. There are houses with in-law suites, basement apartments, duplexes, apartments, or heck, two separate homes close to one another. There is nothing wrong with doing this. If you keep living like you are, there won't BE a marriage to save. Think about it.
Well just wanted to update
Well just wanted to update everyone that has happened to follow me on this. After a lengthy fight, it turns out that she was really upset at me and not the kids. Apparantly she feels that when my kids are not there, I tune out. That has made her feel jealous of my two kids wishing that I had the same type of relationship with SD. The problem is, is I am actually the one that is home alone with SD a lot. So I do spend A LOT of time with her and doing activities. So my wife doesn't see that. Plus the moment, my wife walks in the door, all she wants is her mom. So I admit I do tune out a bit because I don't feel "needed" I guess. So I just kinda do my own thing. So after a week of a pretty huge fight that almost ended with me moving out, I agreed that I am going to work more on this and do a better job at showing my interest even when not wanted. My wife just takes everything so personally and when it has to do with her daughter it can be even touchier. I still feel in an awkward position at times cause she says that I am the only person that says anything negative about the SD. Which I just overheard her on the phone the other day with BD complaining of issues with behavior with SD, so I know it is not just me. In any case, we are still working on things. We both love each other and want things to work. It is so difficult being a blended family. I admit that I question whether this is worth the effort. Its not that I don't want to be alone, I can handle that no problem. But I do love my wife. I think she is an amazing person (and yes I tell her that.....all I get is the eye roll though!). So we continue to work at things because that is what a commitment is. I know it is so much easier to throw in the towel, but my question to those people, is that what you do with everything when it gets tough????? No one said commitments are easy and everyone and everything has some sort of issues. But you make a commitment and you try your best to work through them and compromise. The grass is never greener....just ask my ex! lol