Just looking to vent
I have a lot going on, a lot my wife and I are working through. Its not like we're struggling with our relationship, our marriage is very strong. We have a lot of stress, as individuals and as a married couple. We both agree that one if our biggest sources of stress is my step son. He's NOT a bad kid. He is very kind-hearted, very sweet, ver/y fun loving. But he's also very immature/childish, very lazy, helpless, etc... he argues with everybody about everything most of the time. He has to be the center of attention, has to be glued to mine or his moms hip, has to be involved in every conversation.
Its not his fault. Well, it wasn't his fault. My wife had him when she was young, and he's been the only child, as well as the only grandchild on her side of his family, for 11 years. On his dads side of the family he's the only grandchild who's parents aren't together and is only around every other weekend, so he pretty much gets what he wants there too. Before we were together, if he didn't want to do something; homework, chores, whatever; he'd whine and cry to my wife. She would help him, but if he wanted her to do it for him and she didn't then he'd whine and cry to my mil or sil and they would.
He's never had to do anything he doesn't want to do. He knows no consequences, and even when I put consequences in place, it didn't phase him. Its very frustrating.
I'm at my wits end, my wife is at her wits end... we just don't know what to do. He doesn't appreciate anything, he wants EVERYTHING, he doesn't take care of anything, he lies... I know some of it is just that he's an 11 year old boy. I was once too. I lied about homework. I didn't always do my chores and I whined about doing them. I can accept all that. I can work with that.
I can't handle the constant arguing, the lying about anything, the wanting every little thing. There were things I wanted to do with him, father/son type activities with my buddies and their kids and with my dad and uncles... but most times its embarrassing to take him anywhere.
Cases in point: whenever we go shopping, even grocery shopping, he HAS to get something or he'll be in tears. "Well you guys always get something" or "little sister got something" and this guilt trip works on my wife. If I'm there, I'll point out, "yes, we got groceries" or "yeah, your sister got diapers". And it will be the dumbest little things he sees in the checkout that we know he's going to tale home and forget about. "I've never seen this before but always wanted it"... we just moved and spent 4... F-O-U-R... days cleaning out his room of all the burger king toys from when he goes to lunch with Papa, the placemats or menus, quarter machine stuff, etc... the kid should never get bored or run out of new things to play with.
We were at my mom and dads a while back. My dads best friend stopped by with a part off his backhoe he needed me to weld. I told my ss not to watch while I welded and explained why, how his eyes could get burnt and he could be blinded. "No I won't". My dad and his friend tried telling him. "My eyes won't get burnt, its just blue light". You're right, I've been doing this for 15 years, what the heck would I know.
- Trying Daily's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
I completely agree with the
I completely agree with the above! You are going to need a lot of patience and everyone needs to be on board.
My DH has 3 young adults who act like your SS (except they are just nasty and have no compassion). Their mother spent their childhood telling them the world owes them and they can have what they want when they want it. My DH tried to set boundaries and rules, but she overpowered him, and he eventually gave in to some extent.
His kids have no concept of reality. This is what will happen with your SS. They cannot handle rejection, and become enraged or throw tantrums when they do not get their way. They are 19, 20, and 23. Several years ago, the 20 year old wanted to date a girl who wanted nothing to do with him. He could not handle or understand why, bc he has always gotten what he wanted (my DH and his ex did not have much money, but they would give the kids fast food and little toys, like you mentioned. The kids ruled bc they knew they could whine and scream and get what they wanted).
DH's kids also think they know everything. Like I said, no concept of the real world.
I wish you a lot of luck. Just remember that you are helping your SS when you make these changes. Right now, he is not prepared to deal with life as an adult. You still have time to make sure he understands how the world really works.
I didn't get a chance to
I didn't get a chance to finish this, and I didn't realize it would post before I was done... not that it really matters, bit still. I want to stress that my ss is NOT a bad kid. He genuinely is a good kid, he just doesn't have to act his age 90% of the time. My wife has gotten much better about that, having him act his age, but my mil, sil and to some extent fil still let him get away with acting like a 5 year old. To a point I think mil and sil encourage it... but I know things are different now. 20 years ago when I was 11 I was working on the farm, taking care of/cleaning up after the dogs, mowing my grandmother grass or shoveling snow once a week, etc... I have to admit I'm glad and somewhat envious my ss and the rest of my kids won't have to grow up as fast as I had to. But at the same time, his growth needs to be accelerated. We have tried some things with a modicum of success with some and utter failures with others. The success came with homework, and hopefully we cab carry that momentum over to this school year because he's in middle school now and will be hating life should he relapse. No matter what we do though, we can't make him appreciate anything. We can't stop his arguing. Its like he doesn't even understand what arguing is. "We'll watch a movie with you once you stop arguing with us" "But I'm not arguing" "that right there is arguing" "No its not!". Really??? Ever since we talked of buying a house he's wanted a four wheeler and I told my wife they were too expensive right sway and I couldn't trust him on one yet because he doesn't listen and argues. Well, my dad came up with what we thought was a good middle ground. He's retired but turns a wrench out if his garage and people are always giving him stuff if they can't pay cash. One guy gave him a lawn tractor with no mower deck. Dad got it running, dropped probably $300 into the thing and brought it over to give to ss. He even found a little trailer for it. Ss reaction? "Its old" " looks junky" "now you guys expect me to work"... I had to pay dad for my first lawn
Working from my phone here,
Working from my phone here, sorry... but, I had to pay dad back for my first lawn tractor. It wasn't given to me. Not that my parents didn't give me anything, they certainly did, but they didn't give me EVERYTHING. And Mayne I dud start out too young and that's why it took me so long to learn to enjoy life, but irregardless, somebody GIVES you something, you be gracious. To me, that's a no brainer. My dad was excited about it, he couldn't wait to give it to him. My wife and I were excited thinking ss would be excited. But I couldn't even get him on it to show him how to drive it. I just don't get it...
He wants a dog. I want a dog, I've never been so long without a dog in my life. My wife wants a dog. But I can't even get him to clean his guinea pig cage without a fight. We've told him no dog until he can show us he's responsible with the guinea pigs. He IS responsible, we just don't want him to have a dog and want to make him clean the guinea pig cage forever, according to him.
I haven't used the term "DH" yet with reason. While I adore my wife, I personally feel that "DH"sounds condescending. My wife doesn't work, she's a stay at home mom, and that's something we decided together. She does keep a beautiful home, she cooks dinner or breakfast, makes lunches, shuttles appointments, etc... she is by no means lazy. If she takes a day off or even a couple hours off for a nap, she's very hard on herself about it. She keeps everything in order, pays the bills, makes sure everyone has food to eat and clean clothes to wear. She HAS TRIED to step up and continues to try, but its been a fight for her ever since first grade and she's exhausted. She never had any help with him. It was all her. There have been times where I have come home after working a 12 hour day and stayed up at the dining room table with him until midnight studying or doing homework. Because we're not doing it for him and it had to be done. In all honesty, performance-wise, the kid should've never passed 3rd grade. He did a little better in fourth, then last year his teacher was retiring at the end of the school year and let him get away with everything. He got all D's and F's but still passed. Somehow. Homework is stupid, he already knows all he needs to know. School is stupid. And like I said, I know some of that cones from being an 11 year old boy. I felt the same way about everything but social studies and geography. He HATES all subjects but recess and gym. And music. He loves playing football and basketball but hates going to practice because he already knows everything, he's going to be in the NFL and NBA because he's so good. I won't shatter his dreams, but that kind of upsets me.
His dad isn't absent from his life, but usually he's more of a buddy than a father. From what my wife tells me he was much the same way in school. He lived with his parents into his 30's. He partied while his mom warned his son on his weekends. He's been with a few women just since my wife and I have been together, which is OK, until you're spending the night at their house with your son and a few months later not talking to them. His latest
Again, my phone... anyway, ss
Again, my phone... anyway, ss dad just had a baby, got engaged and is moving into a house with fiancée. Supposedly. We'll see. Everyone says this is hard for ss, a lot of adjustment and he's just acting out. Which I would but if it just started and hadn't always been this way. My wife and I got married last year, but we've been together 4 years, so that's not a big thing. We just had a baby, but helping with her is the ONLY thing we can get him to do without a fight. So I don't think that's it. We just bought a house that has a basketball hoop and a big yard, so that's not. And actually, the night my wife went into labor, about three hours before we went to the hospital, I went and blew part of my quarterly bonus on an Xbox 360 games, controllers, etc... to surprise ss with when he got home from his dads because we were under the impression he was doing well in school. Its not like he goes without.
The other night my wife asked him to take out the trash. He made some comment about why don't I do it, I'm just laying on the floor, he was busy with his game. My wife said number one because she asked him to, and number two I work hard all day, get up before they do, don't get a nap, don't see my daughter all day, etc... his response? "Yeah, he goes to work for him." I'm done getting him ANYTHING after that. I've gone without, my wife has gone without just to provide him with the things we wish we could've had. None of which is appreciated. He wants an iPod touch, any time he's being annoying on purpose or whiny or whatever "well if I had an iPod touch I wouldn't be this way right now." We talked about getting him one for Christmas. Not now. Not a chance. My wife and I may get them. He's not. There's plenty I could have spent MY bonus on for myself. I earned it, not him you know? But I chose to spend it on him because we were (falsely it turns out) proud.
And oh yeah, how much does your hero dad spend on you? Ge bitches about the $65/week cs he pays. That my wife in 11 years has not taken him back to FOC for. Think he'll buy your clears? Your basketball shoes? Anything? Hell no. We had to fight for him to foot 50% of the bill for braces when the court order says he's supposed to foot 77%.
Anyway... I'll be back later.