My DH's kids were not in the picture for the first 12 years of our relationship. After the divorce his ex took the kids and moved to Nevada. Fast froward to a few years ago......DH gets a wild hair up his ass and decides he wants to find them. Awsome (sarcasm). Well....he found them. Now, they won't leave us alone!!!! I wish he had NEVER found them. I hate them. I did not sign up for this crap. I was under the impression 16 years ago that his kids were no longer in his life...and I liked it that way. Now, everything is ruined. They think they're entitled to our belongings after we die?! Really? Bullshit! My kids are getting it, not them. I wish they would crawl back under their rock and STAY THERE! Sorry....just had to get that out.
hippie girl....you do get the last say on all this should (heaven forbid) your husband dies before you....make sure your will only includes they get a little bit....giving them nothing means they can contest the will
better still....spend their inheritence....organise for your kids to have your special things - write a note sign it and date it give it to your kids for just in case....
get your will done.....
you poor thing...I often say I didnt sign up to have such a horrible BM who has caused so much trouble to me and my DH....my only agenda was to marry and love my husband
I thought the first year was the easiest, because skids seemed to be on their best behavior and trying to make a good impression. Once they were more familiar, they didn't give a rat's ass what I thought about them. Maybe it's because they were older (11-17)?
How old are your skids, and what's the custody arrangement?
I'm an experienced BM and a novice SM. My SS is 6 and stays with us half the week and every other weekend. I've never been through anything remotely like this. Guilty divorced dad, vengeful ex wife, tantrum throwing, king-of-the-house child. I'm trying to "let" my husband handle all aspects of his former relationship - co-parenting, school events, vacation planning. How do I "create" family when my husband is still playing house with his ex wife?
Dream big....I said to my husband the other day....
'THE ONLY CO-PARENTING THAT WILL BE DONE AROUND HERE IS BETWEEN YOU AND ME....NOT BETWEEN YOU AND THAT THING YOU CALL YOUR EX WIFE...LET HER GO AND CO PARENT WITH HER LIVE IN LOVER GF..."
IMHO you need to show these skids you and your husbands parenting skills...which will always be better than some weirdo vengeful ex wife who is out to get her ex husband every chance she can get....so remember, you and he are married so you together need to parent this little bad behaved child before he goes completely out of control....
I am a SM and BM....honestly I know that we survived the first year because
my husband and I are one the same page (Thank God)...because I know that if
him and I did not have the same values or morals we would not be together today.
I actually thought the first year was very stressful, because I was still adjusting. How did I get through it? I have no idea. Confidence in our relationship I guess, because man did the whole thing scare the bejeezes out of me. But then again, I don't have kids and had not been around kids much.
As a BM who is now a SM (which is what position I was in myself), one thing I would have to say (depending on how psychotic the skids' MOM is) is be careful not to do anything that either of the bio-parents could consider "over-stepping your boundaries" as it is easy to do when that motherly instinct takes over.
DH and I had a few serious discussions about it. His kids are 5 and 7. The younger is a drama queen and the older has mild autism. Together we have an 8mo old daughter. I told him that I was going to treat them as if they were my own. I have them on my own about 8-12 hours every Saturday, because heaven forbid their mother take them while DH is working. We have them every weekend. He's given me permission to spank them if they get too far out of line, but I won't. Don't want the drama from BM. Basically I have the same expectations of them as my parents had for me, and that I have for all the kids I've worked with. If I need help I will ask him, if he has any problem with the way I handle a situation, he tells me afterwards. BM has her rules, we have ours. Though it's a pain when we get the "mommy lets us watch this or eat that." But just make sure you stay consistent. They WILL learn how to push your buttons. Let them know they won't get away with it, stay consistent and calm.
I survived it by realizing what a good man DH is and knowing that once we got past the sticking points, BM and SKid issues we'd do fine. A lot of love too!
The first year was cake for me.......heck, the first 6 years was okay......when SD hit 13 and moved in w/ us is when I lost my mind!! I dealt w/ it and the situation when necessary but her being her FT in not my choice. After her last blow out......I just don't hide it anymore.
1. GG (biodad I live with) sobbed for two straight weeks b/c he "missed living under the same roof as his children" He was inconsolable. I tried to be supportive, but nothing doing.
2. GG sent ALL (that's right ALL) his wages including overtime directly to the Behemoth through direct deposit before a court order was even in place as he felt "guilty" about leaving the Behemoth "high and dry" (she kicked HIM out) This SHOULD have been a HUGE red flag for me. . .it was ok to live off of ol' Auteur for months (turned out to be six months; when I had a fit about it, he called me "selfish" and agreed to not send EVERYTHING to the Behemoth, reserving back maybe $100 a week :jawdrop: )
3. GG kissed the Behemoth's backside so much his lips were permanently chapped. She denied him visitation, ran up the marital debts (GG REFUSED to see a lawyer nor close any joint accounts with her), dragged her foot on the divorce (18 mos later and papers had NOT been filed), stole all the children's college fund money for her defunct pipe dream "business", stuck GG for the taxes interest and penalties on said college funds as she "forgot" to report it on their last joint (read: forged) tax return
4. When the Behemoth discovered internet dating, she went from withholding visitation to having GG pick them up (all three) EVERY weekend 45 minutes one way, then ran him back and forth (on MY gas dime, of course) to the various activities she signed them up for in HER hometown, of course without GG's consent.
Everything revolved around the Behemoth and skids including my life. The list of junk food they HAD to have, the things they REFUSED to eat, the mess they left, the utility bills they ran up, the mountains of laundry they left behind.
I was a doormat for 4 1/2 years until I discovered this site and realized that my inner voice inside of me was CORRECT!! That I WAS being taken advantage of and that I raised my now grown bios TRADITIONALLY was such a stark contrast with the way GG's kids were being "free-ranged."
I will NEVER EVER date a man with kids after GG is gone.
lots of wine. jk.
lots of wine.
jk.
My DH's kids were not in the
My DH's kids were not in the picture for the first 12 years of our relationship. After the divorce his ex took the kids and moved to Nevada. Fast froward to a few years ago......DH gets a wild hair up his ass and decides he wants to find them. Awsome (sarcasm). Well....he found them. Now, they won't leave us alone!!!! I wish he had NEVER found them. I hate them. I did not sign up for this crap. I was under the impression 16 years ago that his kids were no longer in his life...and I liked it that way. Now, everything is ruined. They think they're entitled to our belongings after we die?! Really? Bullshit! My kids are getting it, not them. I wish they would crawl back under their rock and STAY THERE! Sorry....just had to get that out.
OMG I'd have run away!!!
OMG I'd have run away!!!
hippie girl....you do get the
hippie girl....you do get the last say on all this should (heaven forbid) your husband dies before you....make sure your will only includes they get a little bit....giving them nothing means they can contest the will
better still....spend their inheritence....organise for your kids to have your special things - write a note sign it and date it give it to your kids for just in case....
get your will done.....
you poor thing...I often say I didnt sign up to have such a horrible BM who has caused so much trouble to me and my DH....my only agenda was to marry and love my husband
I thought the first year was
I thought the first year was the easiest, because skids seemed to be on their best behavior and trying to make a good impression. Once they were more familiar, they didn't give a rat's ass what I thought about them. Maybe it's because they were older (11-17)?
How old are your skids, and what's the custody arrangement?
I'm an experienced BM and a
I'm an experienced BM and a novice SM. My SS is 6 and stays with us half the week and every other weekend. I've never been through anything remotely like this. Guilty divorced dad, vengeful ex wife, tantrum throwing, king-of-the-house child. I'm trying to "let" my husband handle all aspects of his former relationship - co-parenting, school events, vacation planning. How do I "create" family when my husband is still playing house with his ex wife?
Dream big....I said to my
Dream big....I said to my husband the other day....
'THE ONLY CO-PARENTING THAT WILL BE DONE AROUND HERE IS BETWEEN YOU AND ME....NOT BETWEEN YOU AND THAT THING YOU CALL YOUR EX WIFE...LET HER GO AND CO PARENT WITH HER LIVE IN LOVER GF..."
IMHO you need to show these skids you and your husbands parenting skills...which will always be better than some weirdo vengeful ex wife who is out to get her ex husband every chance she can get....so remember, you and he are married so you together need to parent this little bad behaved child before he goes completely out of control....
^^^ Yup. Gotta love a nice
^^^ Yup. Gotta love a nice glass of wine. Nothing can prepare you for being a stepmom.
I am a SM and BM....honestly
I am a SM and BM....honestly I know that we survived the first year because
my husband and I are one the same page (Thank God)...because I know that if
him and I did not have the same values or morals we would not be together today.
Beer & whiskey works, too.
Beer & whiskey works, too.
I actually thought the first
I actually thought the first year was very stressful, because I was still adjusting. How did I get through it? I have no idea. Confidence in our relationship I guess, because man did the whole thing scare the bejeezes out of me. But then again, I don't have kids and had not been around kids much.
As a BM who is now a SM
As a BM who is now a SM (which is what position I was in myself), one thing I would have to say (depending on how psychotic the skids' MOM is) is be careful not to do anything that either of the bio-parents could consider "over-stepping your boundaries" as it is easy to do when that motherly instinct takes over.
Good advice. I'll keep it in
Good advice. I'll keep it in mind.
DH and I had a few serious
DH and I had a few serious discussions about it. His kids are 5 and 7. The younger is a drama queen and the older has mild autism. Together we have an 8mo old daughter. I told him that I was going to treat them as if they were my own. I have them on my own about 8-12 hours every Saturday, because heaven forbid their mother take them while DH is working. We have them every weekend. He's given me permission to spank them if they get too far out of line, but I won't. Don't want the drama from BM. Basically I have the same expectations of them as my parents had for me, and that I have for all the kids I've worked with. If I need help I will ask him, if he has any problem with the way I handle a situation, he tells me afterwards. BM has her rules, we have ours. Though it's a pain when we get the "mommy lets us watch this or eat that." But just make sure you stay consistent. They WILL learn how to push your buttons. Let them know they won't get away with it, stay consistent and calm.
I survived it by realizing
I survived it by realizing what a good man DH is and knowing that once we got past the sticking points, BM and SKid issues we'd do fine. A lot of love too!
Oh, I forgot to add...a BIG
Oh, I forgot to add...a BIG ole Notebook to document all of PB's craziness so we could get things hammered out in court.
We would NEVER have made it without a CO to specify certain things like visitation time.
The first year was cake for
The first year was cake for me.......heck, the first 6 years was okay......when SD hit 13 and moved in w/ us is when I lost my mind!! I dealt w/ it and the situation when necessary but her being her FT in not my choice. After her last blow out......I just don't hide it anymore.
For me it was hell from day
For me it was hell from day one.
1. GG (biodad I live with) sobbed for two straight weeks b/c he "missed living under the same roof as his children" He was inconsolable. I tried to be supportive, but nothing doing.
2. GG sent ALL (that's right ALL) his wages including overtime directly to the Behemoth through direct deposit before a court order was even in place as he felt "guilty" about leaving the Behemoth "high and dry" (she kicked HIM out) This SHOULD have been a HUGE red flag for me. . .it was ok to live off of ol' Auteur for months (turned out to be six months; when I had a fit about it, he called me "selfish" and agreed to not send EVERYTHING to the Behemoth, reserving back maybe $100 a week :jawdrop: )
3. GG kissed the Behemoth's backside so much his lips were permanently chapped. She denied him visitation, ran up the marital debts (GG REFUSED to see a lawyer nor close any joint accounts with her), dragged her foot on the divorce (18 mos later and papers had NOT been filed), stole all the children's college fund money for her defunct pipe dream "business", stuck GG for the taxes interest and penalties on said college funds as she "forgot" to report it on their last joint (read: forged) tax return
4. When the Behemoth discovered internet dating, she went from withholding visitation to having GG pick them up (all three) EVERY weekend 45 minutes one way, then ran him back and forth (on MY gas dime, of course) to the various activities she signed them up for in HER hometown, of course without GG's consent.
Everything revolved around the Behemoth and skids including my life. The list of junk food they HAD to have, the things they REFUSED to eat, the mess they left, the utility bills they ran up, the mountains of laundry they left behind.
I was a doormat for 4 1/2 years until I discovered this site and realized that my inner voice inside of me was CORRECT!! That I WAS being taken advantage of and that I raised my now grown bios TRADITIONALLY was such a stark contrast with the way GG's kids were being "free-ranged."
I will NEVER EVER date a man with kids after GG is gone.